so, i'm focused, i'm motivated, and i'm proving to myself that this is going to work.
I've been running or rowing every day since last wed. i run a mile or row a mile before my regular workouts. and then last night nick and i went on a 2.5 mile run and i didn't stop once - did it in 25:47...not bad considering i couldn't even make it 1/4 mile when i started.
i'm eating better again. still been pretty stressed, but i'm finding ways to ignore the urges for sweets - that is what did me in before.
i've already lost 2.2 lbs since last wed - and you can tell where i'm losing it from...my butt and thighs. its nice to see that go away!
so, that's where i'm at as of today...it's working!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
7/21/10....the new challenge
so, its been a while. i think i've figured out why...i don't have a challenge.
i'm over trying to deal with work - i'm on my way to finding a new job...so, that is a challenge but not the one i'm talking about. i guess technically its not a challenge, its a relief that i've finally gotten to the point of realizing that its time to move on...so, no more talk about work on this blog - i'm done with that.
but, i have realized that the challenge i decided to take on last year has run out. the challenge to lose weight and get going again has been accomplished. i haven't lost all the weight i want to, but i have accomplished the challenge of proving to myself i can actually lose weight and stick to my plan. what made me realize this recently is because i've started to slip - not because i don't care, but because it doesn't feel like a challenge anymore, so i'm losing interest. i know one reason i've been slipping is because i have been really stressed with work, and i've turned to eating to deal with that stress....so again, i realized i have lost interest.
so, after a night of severe overeating (even though it was really good) i have decided its time for my next challenge - time to get to the next level....the Crossfit Games Afiliates Cup. The Crossfit Games is an international "challenge" every year where anyone can compete. They have a winner for men, women, affiliate teams, masters men, and masters women (masters are over like 50 years old or something). well, long story short...my trainer is putting together a team from our box for the affiliate cup. he put a post on facebook about it and he said who all was participating (the best athletes at our box), and he also said they needed at least one more girl. i got soooo excited about that because i would do it in a heartbeat - but i question whether i could really be ready for something like that by next year. it would be taking place exactly a year from now, in california. the top notch people from all affiliates will be competing - could i REALLY be able to do that by next year? i wasn't sure. i know i've made really good progress - i'm stronger, i'm increasing my ability to do basics (i can even get unassisted pullups now), i've improved accross the board - but i've hit a plateau recently so i'm doubting myself. i sent an email to my trainer asking him to help me - help me get to that next level, cause its time. i asked him if he REALLY thought i could be in good enough shape and at a high enough level to compete this time next year. i asked him to help push me and light a fire under my ass to take on this new challenge. his answer? he said to aim for competing in the games and that he absolutely thought i would be more than ready to do it next year. he said i'm an amazing athlete and i've improved so quickly because i'm determined and willing to work - so he had no doubt i could do it. so, there it is, i'm on the team. so the new challenge is to bust my ass and be ready for the games. never thought in a million years that i would be able to say i could be at that level within 2 years of working out again - but i will. i'm determined. i'm going to prove to myself i can do it, and to have a team that can be there with me will make me push even more. so as of yesterday, my challenge has started. back to eating right, starting my new more intense workouts, and a new focus. this is going to be my main focus of my life right now - not work, not making other people happy - but making me happy and fighting to get there. i'm going to do it. and i can't wait!
so, starting today, this blog will be focused on my new challenge. the baby thought is put on hold. as much as i REALLY want one, this has now become my focus and priority. i need to do this. i have to do this. i WILL do this!
i'm over trying to deal with work - i'm on my way to finding a new job...so, that is a challenge but not the one i'm talking about. i guess technically its not a challenge, its a relief that i've finally gotten to the point of realizing that its time to move on...so, no more talk about work on this blog - i'm done with that.
but, i have realized that the challenge i decided to take on last year has run out. the challenge to lose weight and get going again has been accomplished. i haven't lost all the weight i want to, but i have accomplished the challenge of proving to myself i can actually lose weight and stick to my plan. what made me realize this recently is because i've started to slip - not because i don't care, but because it doesn't feel like a challenge anymore, so i'm losing interest. i know one reason i've been slipping is because i have been really stressed with work, and i've turned to eating to deal with that stress....so again, i realized i have lost interest.
so, after a night of severe overeating (even though it was really good) i have decided its time for my next challenge - time to get to the next level....the Crossfit Games Afiliates Cup. The Crossfit Games is an international "challenge" every year where anyone can compete. They have a winner for men, women, affiliate teams, masters men, and masters women (masters are over like 50 years old or something). well, long story short...my trainer is putting together a team from our box for the affiliate cup. he put a post on facebook about it and he said who all was participating (the best athletes at our box), and he also said they needed at least one more girl. i got soooo excited about that because i would do it in a heartbeat - but i question whether i could really be ready for something like that by next year. it would be taking place exactly a year from now, in california. the top notch people from all affiliates will be competing - could i REALLY be able to do that by next year? i wasn't sure. i know i've made really good progress - i'm stronger, i'm increasing my ability to do basics (i can even get unassisted pullups now), i've improved accross the board - but i've hit a plateau recently so i'm doubting myself. i sent an email to my trainer asking him to help me - help me get to that next level, cause its time. i asked him if he REALLY thought i could be in good enough shape and at a high enough level to compete this time next year. i asked him to help push me and light a fire under my ass to take on this new challenge. his answer? he said to aim for competing in the games and that he absolutely thought i would be more than ready to do it next year. he said i'm an amazing athlete and i've improved so quickly because i'm determined and willing to work - so he had no doubt i could do it. so, there it is, i'm on the team. so the new challenge is to bust my ass and be ready for the games. never thought in a million years that i would be able to say i could be at that level within 2 years of working out again - but i will. i'm determined. i'm going to prove to myself i can do it, and to have a team that can be there with me will make me push even more. so as of yesterday, my challenge has started. back to eating right, starting my new more intense workouts, and a new focus. this is going to be my main focus of my life right now - not work, not making other people happy - but making me happy and fighting to get there. i'm going to do it. and i can't wait!
so, starting today, this blog will be focused on my new challenge. the baby thought is put on hold. as much as i REALLY want one, this has now become my focus and priority. i need to do this. i have to do this. i WILL do this!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
i know...well, overdue
wow...its been a while. and in that time i've had some ups and some downs.
obviously, if i go into the type of detail i usually go into, then it would take FOREVER to update you - so i'll spare you that. so here are the main things that have gone on in my life....
- things between me and nick were AWESOME for quite a while. we enjoyed each others company, we hung out together doing random little things like hanging out in the kitchen and cooking food, we worked out together on a regular basis, we laughed, we did stupid things, we did fun things - i can go on and on. it was GREAT! and nick made a good point about it all. he said that he felt like we were in such a good spot because i was finally able to enjoy things again - and that's so true. i was settled with my schedule, i had a good routine going for work/the gym/taking care of things at home/and making sure to get in some random fun time. so because i was settled and balanced, things with us were going really well and we both ended up enjoying everything. so i say that in past tense because of the next point...
- i had worked so hard at the bridge to get the files taken care of and to perfect the system down there....and the project was winding down so i saw a light at the end of the tunnel. i did find out that the client that we were working for wanted to keep me at the bridge during the future contracts coming out because they were really happy with my work. so of course after all that work and finally feeling comfortable - wham - my office decided to throw me for a loop. they had another project they wanted to put me on - which is 30 min PAST my home office - which would be a total of 1.5 hours ONE WAY commute for me! going to the bridge takes me about 30 min each way, going to my main office takes me about 45 min each way, going to this place originally took 1.5 hours each way (as long as there was no traffic) - but ever since they gave me a company car to take home, it now takes 1 hour. regardless, its twice the driving time than it was to the bridge.
- so i went from having one full time job at the bridge, to having another full time job at this new project, still being responsible for the 2 claims going on back at the office AND they gave me a person i had to train and watch over at the bridge while i wasn't there. long story short - it was very overwhelming and made my life more difficult and chaotic.
- so, since this threw me off my regular schedule, i started going down hill in the past couple weeks. the drive is long and tiring - and the route i have to take for it is on some of the busiest roads in the area, the work i have to do at the new job is going to be much more involved than originally thought - and again dealing with a bunch of old men that don't want to do anything new and certainly don't want to be told what to do by a young woman, i still have to train the guy at the bridge and make sure he gets the work done there properly, and i never know where i'm going to be any given day because i have to jump back and forth in between the two to make sure everything is taken care of. i ultimately feel like i'm not giving 100% to either client - and not by my choice.
- so my downhill means - feeling guilty and worried that i'm dissapointing people wherever i may not be; feeling overwhelmed because when i'm one place i'm always thinking about the other; i'm getting frustrated with my office because i don't like how they put me in this position; i'm utterly exhausted which means i'm bitchy and irratable; i feel like i can't even work out to my full potential now because i'm so mentally and physically exhausted; and i just cry because i feel like i can't get everything done.
- that in turn means that after my "breakdown", i had to "breakdown" and make an appointment to see my thereapist (the regular one i just talk to, not johns hopkins) that i haven't seen in over a year. i think the thing i hated most about having to do that was that i felt like it meant i'd lost control - which i guess i had - but i wish i could figure out ways to just get through things or stop worrying.
- i went to her yesterday. it went well. at the beginning it just took a while to catch her up on whats been going on over the past year - because you know its been ALOT. but then we started talking about whats going on now, and i basically came away with her telling me the same thing nick keeps saying to me (there nick, you win). i worry too much, i'm too hard on myself, i need to quit looking at things so negatively and find the positives in whats going on, and she said it seems as though i have some sort of deeper emotional issue that makes me get so scared about letting things go. so i'm going back to her again tomorrow in hopes that we can get to the bottom of things so i can figure out what it is i need to do in order to settle down again.
- and as for me and nick - it hasn't been horrible, just not as happy and fun. i know its really hard for him whenever i'm in the moods i'm in because i always have the "yeah, but..." comment to any advice he has - i did the same thing to my therapist yesterday, so i'm not trying to be a pain specifically to him. i know he gets to a point of feeling helpless and not knowing what else he can do to help - because i never know what i need in order to feel better or get out of my funk. i'm to the point were i feel bad about having to bother him, so that is def adding to my constant worry.
where to go from here? i'm going to work with the therapist to figure things out. i've told my company to put me in one place and leave me alone, otherwise i'm truely going to lose my mind. i've continued to work out to keep that aspect up even though i've felt horrible doing some of it. i've made sure to still have "my time" as opposed to letting work rule my entire schedule. i've found that the new job isn't necessarily as bad of an atmosphere as it is over at the bridge.
i'm trying to look at things more positive...just need some time to adjust. i don't like being tipped off my balance because the slightest shift can cause a huge spiral.
obviously, if i go into the type of detail i usually go into, then it would take FOREVER to update you - so i'll spare you that. so here are the main things that have gone on in my life....
- things between me and nick were AWESOME for quite a while. we enjoyed each others company, we hung out together doing random little things like hanging out in the kitchen and cooking food, we worked out together on a regular basis, we laughed, we did stupid things, we did fun things - i can go on and on. it was GREAT! and nick made a good point about it all. he said that he felt like we were in such a good spot because i was finally able to enjoy things again - and that's so true. i was settled with my schedule, i had a good routine going for work/the gym/taking care of things at home/and making sure to get in some random fun time. so because i was settled and balanced, things with us were going really well and we both ended up enjoying everything. so i say that in past tense because of the next point...
- i had worked so hard at the bridge to get the files taken care of and to perfect the system down there....and the project was winding down so i saw a light at the end of the tunnel. i did find out that the client that we were working for wanted to keep me at the bridge during the future contracts coming out because they were really happy with my work. so of course after all that work and finally feeling comfortable - wham - my office decided to throw me for a loop. they had another project they wanted to put me on - which is 30 min PAST my home office - which would be a total of 1.5 hours ONE WAY commute for me! going to the bridge takes me about 30 min each way, going to my main office takes me about 45 min each way, going to this place originally took 1.5 hours each way (as long as there was no traffic) - but ever since they gave me a company car to take home, it now takes 1 hour. regardless, its twice the driving time than it was to the bridge.
- so i went from having one full time job at the bridge, to having another full time job at this new project, still being responsible for the 2 claims going on back at the office AND they gave me a person i had to train and watch over at the bridge while i wasn't there. long story short - it was very overwhelming and made my life more difficult and chaotic.
- so, since this threw me off my regular schedule, i started going down hill in the past couple weeks. the drive is long and tiring - and the route i have to take for it is on some of the busiest roads in the area, the work i have to do at the new job is going to be much more involved than originally thought - and again dealing with a bunch of old men that don't want to do anything new and certainly don't want to be told what to do by a young woman, i still have to train the guy at the bridge and make sure he gets the work done there properly, and i never know where i'm going to be any given day because i have to jump back and forth in between the two to make sure everything is taken care of. i ultimately feel like i'm not giving 100% to either client - and not by my choice.
- so my downhill means - feeling guilty and worried that i'm dissapointing people wherever i may not be; feeling overwhelmed because when i'm one place i'm always thinking about the other; i'm getting frustrated with my office because i don't like how they put me in this position; i'm utterly exhausted which means i'm bitchy and irratable; i feel like i can't even work out to my full potential now because i'm so mentally and physically exhausted; and i just cry because i feel like i can't get everything done.
- that in turn means that after my "breakdown", i had to "breakdown" and make an appointment to see my thereapist (the regular one i just talk to, not johns hopkins) that i haven't seen in over a year. i think the thing i hated most about having to do that was that i felt like it meant i'd lost control - which i guess i had - but i wish i could figure out ways to just get through things or stop worrying.
- i went to her yesterday. it went well. at the beginning it just took a while to catch her up on whats been going on over the past year - because you know its been ALOT. but then we started talking about whats going on now, and i basically came away with her telling me the same thing nick keeps saying to me (there nick, you win). i worry too much, i'm too hard on myself, i need to quit looking at things so negatively and find the positives in whats going on, and she said it seems as though i have some sort of deeper emotional issue that makes me get so scared about letting things go. so i'm going back to her again tomorrow in hopes that we can get to the bottom of things so i can figure out what it is i need to do in order to settle down again.
- and as for me and nick - it hasn't been horrible, just not as happy and fun. i know its really hard for him whenever i'm in the moods i'm in because i always have the "yeah, but..." comment to any advice he has - i did the same thing to my therapist yesterday, so i'm not trying to be a pain specifically to him. i know he gets to a point of feeling helpless and not knowing what else he can do to help - because i never know what i need in order to feel better or get out of my funk. i'm to the point were i feel bad about having to bother him, so that is def adding to my constant worry.
where to go from here? i'm going to work with the therapist to figure things out. i've told my company to put me in one place and leave me alone, otherwise i'm truely going to lose my mind. i've continued to work out to keep that aspect up even though i've felt horrible doing some of it. i've made sure to still have "my time" as opposed to letting work rule my entire schedule. i've found that the new job isn't necessarily as bad of an atmosphere as it is over at the bridge.
i'm trying to look at things more positive...just need some time to adjust. i don't like being tipped off my balance because the slightest shift can cause a huge spiral.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
still alive
yes, i'm still alive. been crazy busy with work....
i'll find some time to post eventually. i can't believe its already the 19th of may - wow.
i'll find some time to post eventually. i can't believe its already the 19th of may - wow.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
mentally smiling, not so much physically
i'm not smiling today, but i want to. i went to the dentist yesterday, and holy crap the right side of my face and jaw are killing me!
but i wish i could smile cause as of today, i've past the 200 mark and i'm now back in the hundreds! i haven't been in the hundreds in sooooooo long!
so, i'm smiling on the inside, and cringing on the outside.
but i wish i could smile cause as of today, i've past the 200 mark and i'm now back in the hundreds! i haven't been in the hundreds in sooooooo long!
so, i'm smiling on the inside, and cringing on the outside.
Monday, May 3, 2010
taking care of me...
i'll just start off by saying that this post can be taken 2 ways: 1) as if i am very selfish and egotistical, or 2) that i finally figured out the trigger to a happier me, which in turn means a happier everything.
i feel like i'm on the right path. i feel somewhat empowered by the steps i've taken to look out for myself.
- i've put my foot down about things that i would have felt guilty about in the past.
- i've had to put aside my worries for other people in order to focus on myself.
- i've become more attentive to what works, and what doesn't.
- i know i've disappointed many from the way i have had to put them aside, but at the same time i feel like they understand and support me for taking charge of my life.
- i've had some disappointing moments, but have been able to work through them.
- i've wanted to quit, but reminded myself i can be strong and get through it.
- i've gone from crying all the time, to smiling all the time.
- i've realized that being selfish to take care of myself has made me a better person in so many more ways.
- i've realized when i feel good everything around me seems ok.
- i've realized when i feel good, my relationships with other people are better and more enjoyable.
- i've realized limiting what i do and what i worry about DOES take a huge weight off my shoulders.
- i've realized that when i look after myself, i am technically also looking out for other people - because they don't have to deal with a depressed, angry, and worrying person anymore.
and the list can go on and on.
i've had a lot of things challenge me lately. things that would typically get under my skin and that i would worry and think about 24/7. but, i feel good, and i focus on other things in order to get through it and put it aside. and if i can't put it aside, i make a decision right then and there about what needs to be done to take care of it.
for instance - work has thrown another wrench into my life. basically, to save you the time of details, this is what has transpired:
i have been told that i'm being put on another job (in addition to the 3 I currently have to take care of). it's another full time job that is further away than my main office. and when i say further away, i mean it would take me AT LEAST an hour and a half to get there from my house. and thats if i get lucky and don't hit traffic. so, with this being an additional job i have to take care of, they are now basically putting me into a managers position (without the pay increase i might add) and making me train someone to help out at the bridge. i'm fine with training someone, but i'm not fine with basically being a manager when i specifically stated to MY manager that i did not want that responsibility right now. and i'm kinda pissed i have to do managerial work without getting paid as a manager. so, anyhow. i put my foot down. i told them i have a schedule that i maintain in order to keep myself focused. and that they can't expect me to lengthen my day from about 10-11 hours to 14-15 hours because they're sending me to the middle of no where. they claim i should be ecstatic because i was "specifically requested" by this client - and don't get me wrong, it makes me feel good - but i'm only one person. so, i told them i would give them the same amount of time, and if it meant they paid me for my travel time, so be it, because i was still going to get paid at least 9 hours, and i wasn't going to lengthen my day. this sounds selfish, i know, but i'm to the point where i HAVE to stand up for myself and not let them run me down. i told them i also wasn't going to double my mileage on my car. so, how did that go? they said they would make my hours flexible, i would get paid 9 hours regardless, i will get a company car, and if i they had to they would pay for another gym membership over near the office that i would have to go to. i also told them that once i figure things out at this new job, then the person i train can go over there because its closer for him to be there and closer for me to be at the bridge. i'm glad i put my foot down! it felt soooo good to know that i stood up for myself! i don't feel bad telling them how things are going to work because i'm basically bringing in business for myself, which in turn means its their business, so i'm an asset. if i up and walked away they would be SOL on a lot of the work we do. i sound cocky, i'm sure. but looking at the big picture, i should have felt strong about myself all along. i'm worth it, and i'm finally realizing how to give myself the credit for which i deserve. and its not that i feel entitled to this stuff, but instead i feel like i've worked hard for it, and am finally drawing a line at how i will handle things.
so what did this do for me? i don't really care about the perks they just told me i could have. i care about the confidence that i just obtained from knowing i'm worth it. they obviously think so, and its about time i realized it. this has made me feel strong. its great to feel strong.
the way things have been going lately has just opened up a new me. nick and i are having a great time being together and being ourselves. i'm not fighting myself anymore - i'm conquering it. i don't feel tied down to being bipolar, i'm pushing through being bipolar. i'm doing things for myself, which in turn make my life more rewarding and fulfilled. i feel good about myself again. i am still very hard on myself about accomplishing certain things, but its more of me being my own competitor - what can i do to top that, make it better, or challenge myself a little more? thats how i feel. its great. i can be me again. i have my priorities figured out - take care of me. that's it, just take care of me. sounds very selfish, but it helps so many other aspects of my life, so i'm not afraid to say that is my priority. it helps me get through work, it helps me stand strong and not be run down, it helps my relationship with nick, it helps me be able to smile at all the stupid things again.
i know there have been some people/issues that i have turned my back to while i've been trying to figure things out for myself. the only thing i can try to do is now take this new me and add them back in one by one, figure things out one by one. i know the whole baby idea is something that will send me for a loop, but i know that i have figured out how to deal with things (i know normal things aren't like taking care of a kid), but i have to take all those steps and pull them together, and i think i will do just fine.
i'm realizing this blog has in a way broken away from the specifics of what i started it for - me changing meds and losing weight because of the want for a baby. so i'm considering starting a new one about my working out and eating better because that has become a big part of my life now. that way, i can keep this one about the steps towards having a kid and getting through it all. and on that note, things are going really between nick and i about what our plans are. and if i didn't know any better, i would think he's really excited about the thought now cause he gets kinda giddy about talking about it. it makes me laugh. love him!
i feel like i'm on the right path. i feel somewhat empowered by the steps i've taken to look out for myself.
- i've put my foot down about things that i would have felt guilty about in the past.
- i've had to put aside my worries for other people in order to focus on myself.
- i've become more attentive to what works, and what doesn't.
- i know i've disappointed many from the way i have had to put them aside, but at the same time i feel like they understand and support me for taking charge of my life.
- i've had some disappointing moments, but have been able to work through them.
- i've wanted to quit, but reminded myself i can be strong and get through it.
- i've gone from crying all the time, to smiling all the time.
- i've realized that being selfish to take care of myself has made me a better person in so many more ways.
- i've realized when i feel good everything around me seems ok.
- i've realized when i feel good, my relationships with other people are better and more enjoyable.
- i've realized limiting what i do and what i worry about DOES take a huge weight off my shoulders.
- i've realized that when i look after myself, i am technically also looking out for other people - because they don't have to deal with a depressed, angry, and worrying person anymore.
and the list can go on and on.
i've had a lot of things challenge me lately. things that would typically get under my skin and that i would worry and think about 24/7. but, i feel good, and i focus on other things in order to get through it and put it aside. and if i can't put it aside, i make a decision right then and there about what needs to be done to take care of it.
for instance - work has thrown another wrench into my life. basically, to save you the time of details, this is what has transpired:
i have been told that i'm being put on another job (in addition to the 3 I currently have to take care of). it's another full time job that is further away than my main office. and when i say further away, i mean it would take me AT LEAST an hour and a half to get there from my house. and thats if i get lucky and don't hit traffic. so, with this being an additional job i have to take care of, they are now basically putting me into a managers position (without the pay increase i might add) and making me train someone to help out at the bridge. i'm fine with training someone, but i'm not fine with basically being a manager when i specifically stated to MY manager that i did not want that responsibility right now. and i'm kinda pissed i have to do managerial work without getting paid as a manager. so, anyhow. i put my foot down. i told them i have a schedule that i maintain in order to keep myself focused. and that they can't expect me to lengthen my day from about 10-11 hours to 14-15 hours because they're sending me to the middle of no where. they claim i should be ecstatic because i was "specifically requested" by this client - and don't get me wrong, it makes me feel good - but i'm only one person. so, i told them i would give them the same amount of time, and if it meant they paid me for my travel time, so be it, because i was still going to get paid at least 9 hours, and i wasn't going to lengthen my day. this sounds selfish, i know, but i'm to the point where i HAVE to stand up for myself and not let them run me down. i told them i also wasn't going to double my mileage on my car. so, how did that go? they said they would make my hours flexible, i would get paid 9 hours regardless, i will get a company car, and if i they had to they would pay for another gym membership over near the office that i would have to go to. i also told them that once i figure things out at this new job, then the person i train can go over there because its closer for him to be there and closer for me to be at the bridge. i'm glad i put my foot down! it felt soooo good to know that i stood up for myself! i don't feel bad telling them how things are going to work because i'm basically bringing in business for myself, which in turn means its their business, so i'm an asset. if i up and walked away they would be SOL on a lot of the work we do. i sound cocky, i'm sure. but looking at the big picture, i should have felt strong about myself all along. i'm worth it, and i'm finally realizing how to give myself the credit for which i deserve. and its not that i feel entitled to this stuff, but instead i feel like i've worked hard for it, and am finally drawing a line at how i will handle things.
so what did this do for me? i don't really care about the perks they just told me i could have. i care about the confidence that i just obtained from knowing i'm worth it. they obviously think so, and its about time i realized it. this has made me feel strong. its great to feel strong.
the way things have been going lately has just opened up a new me. nick and i are having a great time being together and being ourselves. i'm not fighting myself anymore - i'm conquering it. i don't feel tied down to being bipolar, i'm pushing through being bipolar. i'm doing things for myself, which in turn make my life more rewarding and fulfilled. i feel good about myself again. i am still very hard on myself about accomplishing certain things, but its more of me being my own competitor - what can i do to top that, make it better, or challenge myself a little more? thats how i feel. its great. i can be me again. i have my priorities figured out - take care of me. that's it, just take care of me. sounds very selfish, but it helps so many other aspects of my life, so i'm not afraid to say that is my priority. it helps me get through work, it helps me stand strong and not be run down, it helps my relationship with nick, it helps me be able to smile at all the stupid things again.
i know there have been some people/issues that i have turned my back to while i've been trying to figure things out for myself. the only thing i can try to do is now take this new me and add them back in one by one, figure things out one by one. i know the whole baby idea is something that will send me for a loop, but i know that i have figured out how to deal with things (i know normal things aren't like taking care of a kid), but i have to take all those steps and pull them together, and i think i will do just fine.
i'm realizing this blog has in a way broken away from the specifics of what i started it for - me changing meds and losing weight because of the want for a baby. so i'm considering starting a new one about my working out and eating better because that has become a big part of my life now. that way, i can keep this one about the steps towards having a kid and getting through it all. and on that note, things are going really between nick and i about what our plans are. and if i didn't know any better, i would think he's really excited about the thought now cause he gets kinda giddy about talking about it. it makes me laugh. love him!
Monday, April 26, 2010
the results....
first of all, last week did not go by nearly as fast at the previous one....but i had a GREAT weekend, so it makes up for it. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! he's the best! things have been going really well, and i feel like we've got a lot of our shit on track...that makes me feel a lot better and less anxious about stuff.
now, for the results.....official weight was 201.6 lbs.
so, great news, i lost just over 12 lbs since March 20th (5 weeks). so that's about 2.4 lbs a week - not too shabby.
but, there's bad news too....i don't think i won the challenge. if it were based on total weight lost, i def think i won. but instead, its based on total fat percentage lost, plus % gained of lean mass. why didn't i win that? well, its because of the approx 12 lbs, about 6 of it was fat mass lost and about 6 of it was lean mass lost. so, ultimately, since i basically lost the same amount of each, my fat mass % stayed about the same, and my lean mass % dropped = not good #s to win the challenge.
am i upset? well, depends what we're talking about. if it's that i didn't win the challenge - no, i'm not upset. if its that i feel like i've busted my ass and done everything i was told to do (to very specific measures, mind you) and ended up not having the % results i expected - then, yes, i am upset. but me being upset about that is not necessarily because of the #s - well, it is in a way, but not really....let me explain.
this whole baby thing. i've been kinda worked up about it lately. maybe i'm getting a little impatient, but part of me thinks i have reason to be. i have done everything that's been asked of me - i've busted my ass to lose weight so that the baby and i can both be healthy during and after pregnancy, i've changed my eating habits in order to maintain and help the weight loss that i've worked so hard for, i've changed my meds to make sure to be on one that has as little effect as possible on a baby, i've continued to push through work in order to maintain my job even though i hate it with a passion more times than not, i've struggled through ups and downs to stabilize my life and prepare for anything that could possibly happen, i've finally figured out a schedule that works for me and helps me maintain a good balance mentally and physically, i've stood up for myself at work in order to keep some sanity (which could be thrown off soon - a whole other story to that), i've just done everything that i can possibly do to prepare for this. so, it gets a little frustrating knowing that there are so many people having babies - whether they should or not - and they seem to be just fine and are able to figure things out regardless what the situation is, and regardless if it was planned or not. i'm tired of all the preparing for it, i just want it to happen now. if all these other people can make it work, then we can too! of course, i understand there are people who really shouldn't have kids because they don't know what they're doing or don't have the finances for it - but they do anyhow and they find a way to make it work (and i'm pretty sure its safe to say that nick and i are plenty capable of having a child if they can do it). so that's how i feel. i'm confident that nick and i are going to be very capable parents, i just get frustrated that we have to prepare for so much. i know its the responsible thing to do, but there's got to be a point where you draw the line and accept that things aren't going to be "perfect".
so, last week nick and i had a discussion about this whole baby thing again. i had gotten a little upset and flustered because of a few things. one being that i found out about another person who is going to have a baby - someone who is a complete asshole and compulsive liar. good for him that he's having one, because it's one of the best things that could happen in your life - but damnit, if he can figure out what to do to handle it, I CAN TOO! the other thing being - *potentially a TMI moment* - i all of a sudden have been having very random issues with my cycle. severe cramps on the last couple i had (which i usually don't have many cramps at all) and alot heavier and longer (they are usually light and short). then, i ended up having a random period 2 weeks into a new set of pills - NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN MY LIFE. if i've been on the pill, i always have regular cycles. if i haven't been on the pill, my cycles were always longer than normal - about 1.5 months apart. NEVER have i had numerous periods in less than a month! so i got a little wierded out by that and went to the doctor. basically, long story short on the doc visit and tests - it was most likely because of the pill. blood tests were fine, sonogram was fine. she suggested i see what the next month was like, and if it was still abnormal, then we would switch brands.
so those couple of things lead to "the talk" again. of course, nick didn't really want to talk about it - annoying to me because it's just something that HAS to be talked about. well, the first effort didn't get far at all. then he went camping with some of his friends - which during this trip he was hounded about having a kid by our good friend that recently found out they were expecting. so the day he got back, we had another "talk". this one actually got somewhere. now, i DID NOT bribe our friend to talk to him about it, it's something that he's hounded him about for a while. but i think that maybe something got to nick, because our friends were not really "expecting" this to happen so soon, so they hadn't really done anything to prepare for it - but ultimately its going to be serious reality in less than 9 months, so he's accepted the fact that they just have to adjust and make it work. then there was another friend of ours there that has been in the situation that him and his girlfriend had a kid pretty young and completely not ready for it at all, and now they have 2 kids and are happily married - he chimed in as well. so apparently they talked about alot of this stuff. i think this might have clicked something to really understand that things are never going to be "perfect".
so our talk that day got us to an agreement. nicks biggest concern is the health issue. knowing that we/i have done everything possible to limit any complications to myself or the baby due to health is his main concern. so he said that as long as i continue on this path and get to a healthier weight/fat percentage, then when i achieve that, we can try to have a kid.
so, i had 2 thoughts to that - 1) awesome! i'm doing so well, so i know i can get to that point! 2) wow, no pressure. everything just gets put on my shoulders - so, easier for him to give that offer than to understand what it feels like to have to work your ass off to make it happen.
but, it's something i knew i could get to, and with my bod pod being less than a week away, i knew my results were going to give me hope that i'm getting closer to that goal already.
well, after seeing the results yesterday, and knowing that the .5% fat loss was severely minimal to what was expected, my hopes were crushed that i was getting anywhere. was i losing weight, yes. was i getting to a healthier fat %, no, not really. so it was just very disheartening to see that and feel like i've done so much to get nowhere. so, that's why i was upset. i again felt that the thought of having a kid just keeps getting pushed further and further away, and i HATE the feelings that i work so hard and the goal i'm trying to reach is like a carrot on a stick.
but....there is a but....nick and i talked again. this is why i love him. he always does his best at trying to make me feel better - and it pretty much always works. but this time, it made me feel a lot better. i felt like he finally understood why i was fighting so hard, and why i was so upset that i felt like i wasn't getting anywhere. even though i know he "understood" why i started doing all of this, i think this was the first time that we had talked and i could tell that he REALLY appreciated what i was doing. i say this because he ended up saying that i don't have to be at a perfect weight/fat % for us to start trying for a kid. instead, he said that if i could give it a few more months of doing what i'm doing and making the effort i've been making, then we can start trying regardless what the numbers say. and he said he knew it would be ok because he knew that i wasn't going to just let everything go once i get pregnant. he knew that i was truely determined to live a better life, and so he feels comfortable enough to try without it all being planned and set in stone. THAT MADE ME FEEL SOOOO MUCH BETTER! not because he said we could try to have a kid soon, but because he acknowledged and appreciates the fact that i'm doing everything possible to make things better. and that he knows its not just a game to me. its a life style change that i don't regret, and wouldn't change back for the world. i feel sooo much better lately because of it. him and i get along so much better lately because i feel better. i'm happy because i'm taking care of things for me, which then reflect on other things around me. after all the tears he's seen from me being so hard on myself and setting such high expectations, he sees that i'm really putting forth the effort for us, and trusts that i'm going to continue to take the right steps and keep things better for us. and i am, i always will. i haven't felt this good in YEARS! prob since high school even.
so, after that, i was still a little upset because - as we know - i'm my toughest competitor, so i wish the results would have been better. but, i felt like the weight was lifted off my shoulders about the planning, and preparing, and reaching specific criteria, etc. i feel like now i can just do this just to do this, because its part of my life now. and everything else will just happen when it happens.
so what now? well, after talking to my trainer, i realized i need to tweak my eating a little bit in order to figure out a way to maintain my lean mass. he says that the body does what the body needs to do, so maybe the reason i lost the lean mass was because the body just didn't need it. but i have to start eating more protein and see how my body reacts - yay for protein shakes. AND, nick and i agreed i could come off the pill. that way, by the time my "system" gets back to normal in a few months, we can let life work the way its supposed to.
i'm a lucky girl, with a great husband!
now, for the results.....official weight was 201.6 lbs.
so, great news, i lost just over 12 lbs since March 20th (5 weeks). so that's about 2.4 lbs a week - not too shabby.
but, there's bad news too....i don't think i won the challenge. if it were based on total weight lost, i def think i won. but instead, its based on total fat percentage lost, plus % gained of lean mass. why didn't i win that? well, its because of the approx 12 lbs, about 6 of it was fat mass lost and about 6 of it was lean mass lost. so, ultimately, since i basically lost the same amount of each, my fat mass % stayed about the same, and my lean mass % dropped = not good #s to win the challenge.
am i upset? well, depends what we're talking about. if it's that i didn't win the challenge - no, i'm not upset. if its that i feel like i've busted my ass and done everything i was told to do (to very specific measures, mind you) and ended up not having the % results i expected - then, yes, i am upset. but me being upset about that is not necessarily because of the #s - well, it is in a way, but not really....let me explain.
this whole baby thing. i've been kinda worked up about it lately. maybe i'm getting a little impatient, but part of me thinks i have reason to be. i have done everything that's been asked of me - i've busted my ass to lose weight so that the baby and i can both be healthy during and after pregnancy, i've changed my eating habits in order to maintain and help the weight loss that i've worked so hard for, i've changed my meds to make sure to be on one that has as little effect as possible on a baby, i've continued to push through work in order to maintain my job even though i hate it with a passion more times than not, i've struggled through ups and downs to stabilize my life and prepare for anything that could possibly happen, i've finally figured out a schedule that works for me and helps me maintain a good balance mentally and physically, i've stood up for myself at work in order to keep some sanity (which could be thrown off soon - a whole other story to that), i've just done everything that i can possibly do to prepare for this. so, it gets a little frustrating knowing that there are so many people having babies - whether they should or not - and they seem to be just fine and are able to figure things out regardless what the situation is, and regardless if it was planned or not. i'm tired of all the preparing for it, i just want it to happen now. if all these other people can make it work, then we can too! of course, i understand there are people who really shouldn't have kids because they don't know what they're doing or don't have the finances for it - but they do anyhow and they find a way to make it work (and i'm pretty sure its safe to say that nick and i are plenty capable of having a child if they can do it). so that's how i feel. i'm confident that nick and i are going to be very capable parents, i just get frustrated that we have to prepare for so much. i know its the responsible thing to do, but there's got to be a point where you draw the line and accept that things aren't going to be "perfect".
so, last week nick and i had a discussion about this whole baby thing again. i had gotten a little upset and flustered because of a few things. one being that i found out about another person who is going to have a baby - someone who is a complete asshole and compulsive liar. good for him that he's having one, because it's one of the best things that could happen in your life - but damnit, if he can figure out what to do to handle it, I CAN TOO! the other thing being - *potentially a TMI moment* - i all of a sudden have been having very random issues with my cycle. severe cramps on the last couple i had (which i usually don't have many cramps at all) and alot heavier and longer (they are usually light and short). then, i ended up having a random period 2 weeks into a new set of pills - NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN MY LIFE. if i've been on the pill, i always have regular cycles. if i haven't been on the pill, my cycles were always longer than normal - about 1.5 months apart. NEVER have i had numerous periods in less than a month! so i got a little wierded out by that and went to the doctor. basically, long story short on the doc visit and tests - it was most likely because of the pill. blood tests were fine, sonogram was fine. she suggested i see what the next month was like, and if it was still abnormal, then we would switch brands.
so those couple of things lead to "the talk" again. of course, nick didn't really want to talk about it - annoying to me because it's just something that HAS to be talked about. well, the first effort didn't get far at all. then he went camping with some of his friends - which during this trip he was hounded about having a kid by our good friend that recently found out they were expecting. so the day he got back, we had another "talk". this one actually got somewhere. now, i DID NOT bribe our friend to talk to him about it, it's something that he's hounded him about for a while. but i think that maybe something got to nick, because our friends were not really "expecting" this to happen so soon, so they hadn't really done anything to prepare for it - but ultimately its going to be serious reality in less than 9 months, so he's accepted the fact that they just have to adjust and make it work. then there was another friend of ours there that has been in the situation that him and his girlfriend had a kid pretty young and completely not ready for it at all, and now they have 2 kids and are happily married - he chimed in as well. so apparently they talked about alot of this stuff. i think this might have clicked something to really understand that things are never going to be "perfect".
so our talk that day got us to an agreement. nicks biggest concern is the health issue. knowing that we/i have done everything possible to limit any complications to myself or the baby due to health is his main concern. so he said that as long as i continue on this path and get to a healthier weight/fat percentage, then when i achieve that, we can try to have a kid.
so, i had 2 thoughts to that - 1) awesome! i'm doing so well, so i know i can get to that point! 2) wow, no pressure. everything just gets put on my shoulders - so, easier for him to give that offer than to understand what it feels like to have to work your ass off to make it happen.
but, it's something i knew i could get to, and with my bod pod being less than a week away, i knew my results were going to give me hope that i'm getting closer to that goal already.
well, after seeing the results yesterday, and knowing that the .5% fat loss was severely minimal to what was expected, my hopes were crushed that i was getting anywhere. was i losing weight, yes. was i getting to a healthier fat %, no, not really. so it was just very disheartening to see that and feel like i've done so much to get nowhere. so, that's why i was upset. i again felt that the thought of having a kid just keeps getting pushed further and further away, and i HATE the feelings that i work so hard and the goal i'm trying to reach is like a carrot on a stick.
but....there is a but....nick and i talked again. this is why i love him. he always does his best at trying to make me feel better - and it pretty much always works. but this time, it made me feel a lot better. i felt like he finally understood why i was fighting so hard, and why i was so upset that i felt like i wasn't getting anywhere. even though i know he "understood" why i started doing all of this, i think this was the first time that we had talked and i could tell that he REALLY appreciated what i was doing. i say this because he ended up saying that i don't have to be at a perfect weight/fat % for us to start trying for a kid. instead, he said that if i could give it a few more months of doing what i'm doing and making the effort i've been making, then we can start trying regardless what the numbers say. and he said he knew it would be ok because he knew that i wasn't going to just let everything go once i get pregnant. he knew that i was truely determined to live a better life, and so he feels comfortable enough to try without it all being planned and set in stone. THAT MADE ME FEEL SOOOO MUCH BETTER! not because he said we could try to have a kid soon, but because he acknowledged and appreciates the fact that i'm doing everything possible to make things better. and that he knows its not just a game to me. its a life style change that i don't regret, and wouldn't change back for the world. i feel sooo much better lately because of it. him and i get along so much better lately because i feel better. i'm happy because i'm taking care of things for me, which then reflect on other things around me. after all the tears he's seen from me being so hard on myself and setting such high expectations, he sees that i'm really putting forth the effort for us, and trusts that i'm going to continue to take the right steps and keep things better for us. and i am, i always will. i haven't felt this good in YEARS! prob since high school even.
so, after that, i was still a little upset because - as we know - i'm my toughest competitor, so i wish the results would have been better. but, i felt like the weight was lifted off my shoulders about the planning, and preparing, and reaching specific criteria, etc. i feel like now i can just do this just to do this, because its part of my life now. and everything else will just happen when it happens.
so what now? well, after talking to my trainer, i realized i need to tweak my eating a little bit in order to figure out a way to maintain my lean mass. he says that the body does what the body needs to do, so maybe the reason i lost the lean mass was because the body just didn't need it. but i have to start eating more protein and see how my body reacts - yay for protein shakes. AND, nick and i agreed i could come off the pill. that way, by the time my "system" gets back to normal in a few months, we can let life work the way its supposed to.
i'm a lucky girl, with a great husband!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
still here
don't really have a lot to say. not a bad thing, just been stayin busy.
i'm down to 203.
i've realized my entire life is about working out and losing weight now. someone asks what i've been up to and the only thing i can think of is to either talk about my workouts or the way i've changed my eating habits...so usually i just say "not much". i don't think its a bad thing that that is all i do...i actually look forward to it now - well not the food part cause i'm not the best cook and with limited ingredients it sometimes gets boring. i've realized that finally limiting ALL the things i used to do to only what is necessary has been a good balance for me.
i am still able to put my foot down about work when they try to trick me into working on a million things at once - i just get my work done within my regular work day, and that's it, i'm outta here. i finally don't feel guilty about it. i am a little worried cause i just got told last week that one of my other projects is kicking back up BIG TIME, and we have an expert report due by the end of may, so that means i will have to take a break from the bridge to go back to the main office to work. not bad because the atmosphere will be better...just worried that my regular schedule and balance will get thrown off, because i know they will constantly try to get me to work 10/11/12 hour days, but i refuse to let that happen. i already put my foot down and said that i understand they will need me to work some longer hours, but I WILL be leaving at a reasonable time in order to make sure i work out and have some down time...because if i can't maintain myself, then they won't get efficient work from me anyhow. it feels good to stand up for myself.
other than that, things have been good. staying pretty busy cause of my working out, working at my main office here and there, and then having my EMT refresher 2 nights a week.
things have been really good between me and nick. seems like we've been having a lot of fun lately, and i feel like it's partially because i've been better at letting things go and just doing what i do.
besides that, not much to say.
i'm down to 203.
i've realized my entire life is about working out and losing weight now. someone asks what i've been up to and the only thing i can think of is to either talk about my workouts or the way i've changed my eating habits...so usually i just say "not much". i don't think its a bad thing that that is all i do...i actually look forward to it now - well not the food part cause i'm not the best cook and with limited ingredients it sometimes gets boring. i've realized that finally limiting ALL the things i used to do to only what is necessary has been a good balance for me.
i am still able to put my foot down about work when they try to trick me into working on a million things at once - i just get my work done within my regular work day, and that's it, i'm outta here. i finally don't feel guilty about it. i am a little worried cause i just got told last week that one of my other projects is kicking back up BIG TIME, and we have an expert report due by the end of may, so that means i will have to take a break from the bridge to go back to the main office to work. not bad because the atmosphere will be better...just worried that my regular schedule and balance will get thrown off, because i know they will constantly try to get me to work 10/11/12 hour days, but i refuse to let that happen. i already put my foot down and said that i understand they will need me to work some longer hours, but I WILL be leaving at a reasonable time in order to make sure i work out and have some down time...because if i can't maintain myself, then they won't get efficient work from me anyhow. it feels good to stand up for myself.
other than that, things have been good. staying pretty busy cause of my working out, working at my main office here and there, and then having my EMT refresher 2 nights a week.
things have been really good between me and nick. seems like we've been having a lot of fun lately, and i feel like it's partially because i've been better at letting things go and just doing what i do.
besides that, not much to say.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
it's all down hill from here....well, sort of
i've now passed the half way point of my weight loss goal! there was no party...and actually it really wasn't that exciting, just another day, another weigh in. but it makes me feel good and its only down hill from here....kind of. i know to lose the rest i'm gonna have to try 10 times harder just because it will start to get difficult when i'm not holding as much fat and i'm trying to tone my muscles the best i can...but ultimately its down hill cause i've gotten over that hump.
204.4 this morning. i think my goal of 195-200 by the end of the month may not be so far fetched after all.
204.4 this morning. i think my goal of 195-200 by the end of the month may not be so far fetched after all.
Friday, April 9, 2010
wow, didn't realize how much better i feel until this week.
so, this week has been SUPER busy, which equals zero sleep. and it hasn't been until this week that i realized how much better i had been feeling energy wise...up to this point of course.
work has been busy, i started my EMT-B refresher class, i've been working out, and i've been working longer hours each day in order to get off early today to take someone to the airport. and it really doesn't seem like much, but its enough to drain me. so i'm realizing that cutting back all the millions of things i was doing before and just sticking to my "me" schedule has been so helpful for getting good energy and keeping up with things.
so, note to self: self, the minimal and regular schedule is best. stand your ground and don't let anyone screw that up!
good thing the EMT refresher is only through the end of the month.
work has been busy, i started my EMT-B refresher class, i've been working out, and i've been working longer hours each day in order to get off early today to take someone to the airport. and it really doesn't seem like much, but its enough to drain me. so i'm realizing that cutting back all the millions of things i was doing before and just sticking to my "me" schedule has been so helpful for getting good energy and keeping up with things.
so, note to self: self, the minimal and regular schedule is best. stand your ground and don't let anyone screw that up!
good thing the EMT refresher is only through the end of the month.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
droppin'
as of this morning i lost the weight i gained over the weekend and i lost a couple more. down to 205.8. hoping for between 195 and 200 by the end of the month, but i know thats pushin it....gotta work my ass off for that one.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
true feelings suck, but its reality
so, its been a week i guess since i updated. there are 2 reasons why i have stalled on the update: 1 - i was back home for easter vacation, and 2 - because i have been trying to think of the best way to sum up some of my frustrations.
easter vacation was GREAT! didn't really have any plans while we were there, so we just went with the flow of things...and i realized i need to do that more often because it feels so much better. we got to see my niece play in her last soccer game of the season, we took some of the dogs out to the beach at sunrise, i got to be creative and paint a painting, we had easter dinner (which i thoroughly enjoyed because it was my cheat meal so i got to eat mac n cheese AND squash casserole), and we did a bunch of other random stuff. but it felt good because we kept busy the entire time, but had fun while doing it. i think we watched a total of 5 hours of TV the entire vacation. nick and i even got in a couple of crossfit workouts, so i didn't feel really guilty about not being on top of my "game"...and i still ate really well too (but i did gain a couple pounds, not sure why - oh well). but all in all, we had a great time - with exception of the 12 hour drive home.
so, the next thing...my frustrations. well, there are 2 things that have been "bothering" me. one is that i found out last week that our really good friends found out their having a baby. i am ecstatic for them, so happy for them, they will be GREAT parents, they will be perfect. it was kinda "unexpected", but more of a "we didn't think it would happen this soon". so they have had a rough time with the sudden "wow, this is really happening" aspect. its mostly because she just started a new job, and they've been trying to do major renovations on their house - so they don't know what to really do right now. but, i'm not bothered that they are having a kid...like i said, i am ecstatic for them. i think i'm just a little jealous. its the honest truth. just cause i want one soooo bad, but its just "not the right time yet". EVERYONE i know is or has already had a baby...so i'm just getting antsy. i want to have that "yay!" feeling. but i guess i just have to wait.
the other thing is aggrivation about something that i shouldn't let bother me, but it does. weight loss. not mine, but other people trying to do it. i know i need to be supportive, lord knows i've needed it...but there's a difference in supporting someone who is really and truely making an effort to change things, and someone who goes through the motions and says they want to do it but ALWAYS finds a reason why it just isn't working. i'm not a miracle worker...i'm a hard worker. i have not just all of a sudden dropped the weight just because i said i wanted to...i dropped it because i've worked my ass off. i decided that i wanted to do it, and i did it. i can't give any more advice other than it takes hard work, consistency, a want to change, a will to change, and an understanding that its going to be difficult. have i had my pouty moments - yes. have i cried because i didn't feel like i was getting anywhere - yes. do i have days that i feel like a failure - yes. have i had "cheat"days, and sometimes down right "bad"days - yes. do i typically ache somewhere on my body EVERY day - yes. has nick probably wanted to plug his ears so he didn't have to listen to me cry/whine anymore - yes. do i still cry because i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere - yes. but, have i given up - no. have i made excuses - no. did it happen over night - no. have i drastically changed my perspective and priorities - yes. i don't know what other advice i can give without being down right rude to make people realize that my success hasn't come without feelings of failure, hardwork and tears. so it gets kind of bothersome when someone wants to do what you've done, and have the success, without being willing to do the work. it just takes all the hard work i've put in and throws it in my face as if things "just happened to work out for me". no, i earned it. i know i haven't done everything perfect. i know certain things work better for certain people...but regardless what that "thing" is, it will always take hard work.
yes, i know i sound like a bitch. but i started this blog to get things off my chest and to be honest about my feelings. so there you go. here's what i think. i'm sure some will be offended by it, or some might use it to light a fire under their ass. either way, i feel better.
easter vacation was GREAT! didn't really have any plans while we were there, so we just went with the flow of things...and i realized i need to do that more often because it feels so much better. we got to see my niece play in her last soccer game of the season, we took some of the dogs out to the beach at sunrise, i got to be creative and paint a painting, we had easter dinner (which i thoroughly enjoyed because it was my cheat meal so i got to eat mac n cheese AND squash casserole), and we did a bunch of other random stuff. but it felt good because we kept busy the entire time, but had fun while doing it. i think we watched a total of 5 hours of TV the entire vacation. nick and i even got in a couple of crossfit workouts, so i didn't feel really guilty about not being on top of my "game"...and i still ate really well too (but i did gain a couple pounds, not sure why - oh well). but all in all, we had a great time - with exception of the 12 hour drive home.
so, the next thing...my frustrations. well, there are 2 things that have been "bothering" me. one is that i found out last week that our really good friends found out their having a baby. i am ecstatic for them, so happy for them, they will be GREAT parents, they will be perfect. it was kinda "unexpected", but more of a "we didn't think it would happen this soon". so they have had a rough time with the sudden "wow, this is really happening" aspect. its mostly because she just started a new job, and they've been trying to do major renovations on their house - so they don't know what to really do right now. but, i'm not bothered that they are having a kid...like i said, i am ecstatic for them. i think i'm just a little jealous. its the honest truth. just cause i want one soooo bad, but its just "not the right time yet". EVERYONE i know is or has already had a baby...so i'm just getting antsy. i want to have that "yay!" feeling. but i guess i just have to wait.
the other thing is aggrivation about something that i shouldn't let bother me, but it does. weight loss. not mine, but other people trying to do it. i know i need to be supportive, lord knows i've needed it...but there's a difference in supporting someone who is really and truely making an effort to change things, and someone who goes through the motions and says they want to do it but ALWAYS finds a reason why it just isn't working. i'm not a miracle worker...i'm a hard worker. i have not just all of a sudden dropped the weight just because i said i wanted to...i dropped it because i've worked my ass off. i decided that i wanted to do it, and i did it. i can't give any more advice other than it takes hard work, consistency, a want to change, a will to change, and an understanding that its going to be difficult. have i had my pouty moments - yes. have i cried because i didn't feel like i was getting anywhere - yes. do i have days that i feel like a failure - yes. have i had "cheat"days, and sometimes down right "bad"days - yes. do i typically ache somewhere on my body EVERY day - yes. has nick probably wanted to plug his ears so he didn't have to listen to me cry/whine anymore - yes. do i still cry because i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere - yes. but, have i given up - no. have i made excuses - no. did it happen over night - no. have i drastically changed my perspective and priorities - yes. i don't know what other advice i can give without being down right rude to make people realize that my success hasn't come without feelings of failure, hardwork and tears. so it gets kind of bothersome when someone wants to do what you've done, and have the success, without being willing to do the work. it just takes all the hard work i've put in and throws it in my face as if things "just happened to work out for me". no, i earned it. i know i haven't done everything perfect. i know certain things work better for certain people...but regardless what that "thing" is, it will always take hard work.
yes, i know i sound like a bitch. but i started this blog to get things off my chest and to be honest about my feelings. so there you go. here's what i think. i'm sure some will be offended by it, or some might use it to light a fire under their ass. either way, i feel better.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
good article
here's an article one of my trainers posted. it is a good way of explaining the Paleo diet in pretty simple terms.
http://www.denverpost.com/ci_14719513?source=sb-facebook
http://www.denverpost.com/ci_14719513?source=sb-facebook
melissa, meet fruit and veggie.
so, it seems like this is working. i've had a lot more constant energy than i've had before and i got on the scale this morning and i'm down to 208.0 - yesterday i was at 208.6. hey, it's the little things that count, ok....
never thought i'd eat so many fruits and veggies in my life, but we have gone through all of it pretty fast. i guess that's what happens when that's all you eat, huh? no carbs as fillers makes for a big pit to fill with the other stuff.
i'm feeling really good about this. i think it's 2 part. 1- its better for me and it is helping me lose weight, feel better, and have more energy. 2- because its a competition, and i THRIVE on competition. i guess the second one isn't necessarily as good of a reason as the first, but it works, so whatev. hopefully after the official competition is over i will be willing to battle against myself just as stubborn as i am now against everyone else. but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
never thought i'd eat so many fruits and veggies in my life, but we have gone through all of it pretty fast. i guess that's what happens when that's all you eat, huh? no carbs as fillers makes for a big pit to fill with the other stuff.
i'm feeling really good about this. i think it's 2 part. 1- its better for me and it is helping me lose weight, feel better, and have more energy. 2- because its a competition, and i THRIVE on competition. i guess the second one isn't necessarily as good of a reason as the first, but it works, so whatev. hopefully after the official competition is over i will be willing to battle against myself just as stubborn as i am now against everyone else. but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
just curious...
i have wondered how many people actually read this blog...? i'm not really sure i why i wonder that, but i do.
i only have 2 followers, which are 2 of my closest friends, but i know others read it....i just don't know how many. i know my sister reads it. i know one of my other closest friends has read it. i told them about it, but they just aren't followers - i guess cause they don't have blogs set up for themselves, IDK.
but how many of you are really out there?
i guess one reason i wonder is because i just found out my husband reads it. if you go back to one of my earliest blogs i am pretty sure that i might have stated that i only told a few people about it, and those few did not include my husband. no real reason other than the fact that everything i write on here is stuff i'm sure he's already heard me say, or yell, to him. but after randomly talking about blogs the other night, he told me that he knew about mine. and he's been reading for a while. HI NICK!
it doesn't bother me. actually it makes me feel better, because not that i was trying to "hide it" from him, just didn't want to bother him with it i guess. but also after talking about it, it seems like it may help - maybe not a whole lot, but at least a little bit - for him to understand some of my thoughts. things i may not be able to explain or get out in the moment of talking to him could make sense to him after reading some of this. he said it has helped him understand me a little better in the way i think about things.
soooo, now that i know that, it makes me wonder who is out there? are there people out there that read this? does this blog possibly help anyone else? just curious. i hope it can help someone...lord knows its helped me get plenty of stuff off my chest in the midst of my crazy thoughts and nonstop rambling.
i only have 2 followers, which are 2 of my closest friends, but i know others read it....i just don't know how many. i know my sister reads it. i know one of my other closest friends has read it. i told them about it, but they just aren't followers - i guess cause they don't have blogs set up for themselves, IDK.
but how many of you are really out there?
i guess one reason i wonder is because i just found out my husband reads it. if you go back to one of my earliest blogs i am pretty sure that i might have stated that i only told a few people about it, and those few did not include my husband. no real reason other than the fact that everything i write on here is stuff i'm sure he's already heard me say, or yell, to him. but after randomly talking about blogs the other night, he told me that he knew about mine. and he's been reading for a while. HI NICK!
it doesn't bother me. actually it makes me feel better, because not that i was trying to "hide it" from him, just didn't want to bother him with it i guess. but also after talking about it, it seems like it may help - maybe not a whole lot, but at least a little bit - for him to understand some of my thoughts. things i may not be able to explain or get out in the moment of talking to him could make sense to him after reading some of this. he said it has helped him understand me a little better in the way i think about things.
soooo, now that i know that, it makes me wonder who is out there? are there people out there that read this? does this blog possibly help anyone else? just curious. i hope it can help someone...lord knows its helped me get plenty of stuff off my chest in the midst of my crazy thoughts and nonstop rambling.
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