so, i'm feeling a better. the past week or so i have had some really good workouts, and i've been surpisingly positive when i'm doing them. i've felt a little bothered about not going down in pounds, but i had some reassuring news on sunday.
don't know if you've heard of the BOD POD. i don't know all the technical info on it, but basically it is one of the most accurate ways to measure your lean body mass and your fat body mass, what your resting calorie burning is and what your active calorie burning is. then you can determine what you need to do in order to lower body fat, increase lean mass, and how many calories you should be eating compared to your output. it's kinda of an egg shape thing that you sit in (you have to wear form fitting clothes) and it uses differential air pressure to determine all this info. it takes like 5 minutes, and you get your results printed out for you afterwards. it's similar to the water weight testing, but obviously without the water, and in some ways it's considered more accurate. tons of pro athletes, gyms, fire depts, etc use it to figure out what equation is necessary to reach the optimal balance between lean/fat mass and calorie input/output.
so, i did it, and i found out i'm pretty buff. and that means that a lot of my weight is muscle. i'm still in the high percentage of body fat, but i was told that my lean body mass (bones/organs/muscle) is a lot higher than most women. AND, i found out that i have been eating 1000 calories LESS THAN i should be. so my body has probably been eating away at some of the muscle i have in order to keep up with the calories i burn when i work out (they call it survival mode).
so this means a few things. 1) i'm changing my goal weight to between 160-170lbs instead of 150 because if i kept it at 150, with the lean body weight i currently have, that means i would have to get down to about 10% body fat - and that aint happening. 2) i can eat more. so instead of worrying about not eating so much, i'm now finding it hard to eat enough. based on my body makeup, i can apparently burn about 3400 calories on a normal day at crossfit, but i have only been eating between 1200 and 1600. WAY less than i should because i found out my metabolism is high and i burn 1600 calories just sitting on the couch for an entire day. 3) with my metabolism being this high, it means that things are working really well for me with crossfit. and now that i know i have to change my eating habits, i should start losing the pounds again because i'll be working the right balance of input and output of calories. 4) this is good news cause i've felt like i hit a wall, and now i know why.
so, i'm happy to have some sort of direction now.
As for my mood. i've been pretty decent lately. i still hate work, but i've done good ignoring a lot of it. nick and i have had a pretty good time lately. as of my last LAME post, i am finding myself trying to find ways to be spontaneous again - not worry about things so much. i signed up to do the polar bear plunge this weekend with nick and some other people - it's supposed to be 28 degrees and snowing, and i have no idea what the water temp is supposed to be - so this should be interesting.
i don't know. i just feel like i got some extra fire power for the next steps i guess. we'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
surprising
so, i lost a few pounds. not sure how, but i did. i just weighed myself this morning - haven't done it for about a week - and i lost just over 2 lbs. i guess that's good, I guess I really made myself work hard this week because i've been so bummed about it.
but i'll take it in baby steps, every bit counts.
but i'll take it in baby steps, every bit counts.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
a little bit of a downer
this is probably gonna sound a little lame, but it's how i feel, so i have to accept that.
so, this crossfit stuff. the trainer there is a really great guy. very encouraging, very nice and outgoing. his girlfriend is there all the time too, either working out or helping him with things. they are a really nice couple and nick and i get along with them really well. so, here's the lame part - i friended them on facebook, and looking at their profiles and pictures, i'm somewhat jealous. i'm not jealous of them as a couple or as individual people - i'm jealous because it is clear that they are very easygoing and very free with the way they live their lives. they do what they want to do, they have fun, they go out and try new things, they have close friends that they seem to really have a good time with, etc. In some ways, i think i could say it's more of a respect for them, as opposed to jealousy. i feel like they live the way i used to live before all this bipolar mess. they live the way i wish i could live now. i wish i could not always worry about things and not worry about going out because i don't want to open a door to feeling upset or causing problems. i respect them for knowing who they are and being just that. now, i haven't sat down and had an indepth conversation with them so i'm sure they have their problems, but it's just the fact that you can see it in the way they approach things that it's more of a "well lets give it a shot and see what happens" as opposed to "that might not work out too well, so i'd rather not". i hate saying that i used to be the the first and now i have to claim the later. and a big thing that i respect him for is that he is doing what makes him happy. he started his own gym, and even though it's tough to get started and keep up with things, you can see it everyday he's there that he truely enjoys what he's doing and is happy with the decision he made.
so that's my lame feelings. i wish i could be the fun loving free spirited person i used to be. i wish i could still feel like i could pick up the phone and call any one of my friends to see if they want to go out on the spur of the moment, and actually have them be interested in doing so. i know i have good friends that would do that, but they are very few and far between now, and most the time i make myself believe that they probably don't feel like it, so i usually don't even bother. it's usually just me and nick, simply because he's basically the only person i feel 100% comfortable around all the time. i know he will spend time with me whether i'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between. and sometimes i don't think it's fair to nick to have to deal with me, because i know he has a fun loving and free spirited heart - i just know that most of the time he has to put the fun aside and be strong for me because of the way i am. he makes up for the confidence i typically lack, and makes up for the strong person i used to be. i hate that he can't enjoy things like he should. it's just not fair to the both of us.
and now, something else. i cried this morning. i cried because i saw a picture that they took of me working out yesterday, and i hated what i saw. i haven't changed at all in the past 1.5 months, yet i'm working harder now more than ever before. i don't feel the way i look. i feel smaller, but i get reassurance that's not the case when i see that pic. now i can feel it around my face, and in my stomach that i'm still heavy. i actually feel like i've gotten bigger since the tri, but ironically i have lost 5 pounds and have also dropped a pants size. so why am i still this big? i eat better now then i ever have before. i'm on a pretty regular diet, but still allow for the different stuff here and there. sometimes i even think i'm not eating enough because i lose every bit of energy i have, so why am i still so big? i eat more protein, less carbs, more veggies, no soda, tons of water, and it feels like nothing is working or changing. why does it have to be this hard?! and then this circles back around to what i was talking about earlier - i never used to have to worry about this. when i was laid back and having a good time, i never worried about how i looked because i was always on the go and not sitting around and eating all the time. i was in shape, and yes i did have to work really hard at one point to get that way, but it was smooth sailing after that - all up until the bipolar part.
i hate this. i hate that i can feel so good the past few days, and then just wake up and start crying and not want to go to work. feeling that way when i wake up, and then knowing that i have to come to work to deal with the BS i deal with, it doesn't make for a good outlook on the day. i'm not happy right now. i was very happy the past few days, but that picture just didn't do me any good. it's very frustrating.
so, this crossfit stuff. the trainer there is a really great guy. very encouraging, very nice and outgoing. his girlfriend is there all the time too, either working out or helping him with things. they are a really nice couple and nick and i get along with them really well. so, here's the lame part - i friended them on facebook, and looking at their profiles and pictures, i'm somewhat jealous. i'm not jealous of them as a couple or as individual people - i'm jealous because it is clear that they are very easygoing and very free with the way they live their lives. they do what they want to do, they have fun, they go out and try new things, they have close friends that they seem to really have a good time with, etc. In some ways, i think i could say it's more of a respect for them, as opposed to jealousy. i feel like they live the way i used to live before all this bipolar mess. they live the way i wish i could live now. i wish i could not always worry about things and not worry about going out because i don't want to open a door to feeling upset or causing problems. i respect them for knowing who they are and being just that. now, i haven't sat down and had an indepth conversation with them so i'm sure they have their problems, but it's just the fact that you can see it in the way they approach things that it's more of a "well lets give it a shot and see what happens" as opposed to "that might not work out too well, so i'd rather not". i hate saying that i used to be the the first and now i have to claim the later. and a big thing that i respect him for is that he is doing what makes him happy. he started his own gym, and even though it's tough to get started and keep up with things, you can see it everyday he's there that he truely enjoys what he's doing and is happy with the decision he made.
so that's my lame feelings. i wish i could be the fun loving free spirited person i used to be. i wish i could still feel like i could pick up the phone and call any one of my friends to see if they want to go out on the spur of the moment, and actually have them be interested in doing so. i know i have good friends that would do that, but they are very few and far between now, and most the time i make myself believe that they probably don't feel like it, so i usually don't even bother. it's usually just me and nick, simply because he's basically the only person i feel 100% comfortable around all the time. i know he will spend time with me whether i'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between. and sometimes i don't think it's fair to nick to have to deal with me, because i know he has a fun loving and free spirited heart - i just know that most of the time he has to put the fun aside and be strong for me because of the way i am. he makes up for the confidence i typically lack, and makes up for the strong person i used to be. i hate that he can't enjoy things like he should. it's just not fair to the both of us.
and now, something else. i cried this morning. i cried because i saw a picture that they took of me working out yesterday, and i hated what i saw. i haven't changed at all in the past 1.5 months, yet i'm working harder now more than ever before. i don't feel the way i look. i feel smaller, but i get reassurance that's not the case when i see that pic. now i can feel it around my face, and in my stomach that i'm still heavy. i actually feel like i've gotten bigger since the tri, but ironically i have lost 5 pounds and have also dropped a pants size. so why am i still this big? i eat better now then i ever have before. i'm on a pretty regular diet, but still allow for the different stuff here and there. sometimes i even think i'm not eating enough because i lose every bit of energy i have, so why am i still so big? i eat more protein, less carbs, more veggies, no soda, tons of water, and it feels like nothing is working or changing. why does it have to be this hard?! and then this circles back around to what i was talking about earlier - i never used to have to worry about this. when i was laid back and having a good time, i never worried about how i looked because i was always on the go and not sitting around and eating all the time. i was in shape, and yes i did have to work really hard at one point to get that way, but it was smooth sailing after that - all up until the bipolar part.
i hate this. i hate that i can feel so good the past few days, and then just wake up and start crying and not want to go to work. feeling that way when i wake up, and then knowing that i have to come to work to deal with the BS i deal with, it doesn't make for a good outlook on the day. i'm not happy right now. i was very happy the past few days, but that picture just didn't do me any good. it's very frustrating.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
at least i know there are others out there
i have started looking into some other bipolar blogs, and have found a handful that are actually very interesting. they are interesting in many different ways too. they have made me realize that i'm not the only one. i have constantly talked to people about being bipolar, but i have never talked and discussed with anyone else who is bipolar, so it opens my mind to some new understanding - and some new questions as well.
they help me understand that there are many different ways to react to and get through some of the tough times. some of those tough times are easier than what i'm used to, but some are harder. i at least can come to an understanding that my reactions aren't out of the ordinary and that there are many people who go through the same ups/downs, feelings of being able to do anything, feelings of not wanting to do anything, feelings of losing every bit of your life, feelings of regaining strength to find your life, etc.
i have read almost all of their posts, and i would say that over 3/4ths of them i either laugh at or sit and nod because i totally understand. i don't laugh at them because i think it's funny that they have been through or are going through tough or good times - instead i laugh because i realize the "normal" side of being "not normal" and feel like finally i have found someone that understands and maybe i'm not crazy, or at least we can be crazy together. and i nod at most of them because i can sit here and say "yep, been there, done that" or "that is soooo true".
some questions that i end up asking are "will i ever have to go through that?", "why did that seem so much harder for me?", "why did that seem so much easier for me?", "what can i do to help them?", "why do i, or anyone for that matter, have to even deal with this in the first place?", "how would i react to that if it happened to me?", "why can't people understand what we go through?", etc.
it scares me to think that i can try so hard to take care of this and try to make my world/life "normal", but everything could still just topple over like no effort was there to begin with. there are so many things that i know i haven't dealt with in life that completely freak me out about what my reaction would be and that i wouldn't be able to get through them. one of the main things is that i worry about when my parents die, what will i do? how will i get through that? right now, i can have a great day but at any random moment i could just sit and think about my grandma and i start to cry because i wish i could have done something to help her a little more, or i wish that she could have been around long enough to see some of her great grandchildren, or i wish i could know that she really understood how much she meant to me. because back then, i wasn't "mature" enough to really be able to get those emotions across. and i worry now that when my parents die, i will not have done everything i can to make them realize how much i appreciate them, because i know i could not have gotten through everything without them. i don't know if i can make it the rest of the way without them, i just know i will fall in a black hole. and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not just my parents i think about. i worry about if something happened to my sister, or my neice/nephew, or my husband, etc....i get so scared about not being able to get through it. all sorts of scenarios run through my head, and i can't figure out a way to believe that i can handle it if it happens.
then another thing i constantly think about is how will i handle being pregnant and having kids. it's one of the things i want most, but it scares me to death! will i be able to stay stable through pregnancy? what about after? i've already been told that i have a very high chance of falling into a deep depression post partum because of my general emotional status, so how will i be able to get through it? will i be a total failure to my kids because i can't get through "normal" things, or handle stressful days?
i'm not in a depressed mood right now and i'm actually feeling pretty good about everything, but these things still scare me. and reading about others experiences make me question even more how i will handle it.
if any of you who have bipolar blogs read this, please understand that i truely appreciate you sharing your experiences, because as much as it scares me, it at least makes me think about it and somewhat prepare myself or try to find a sense of understanding about certain aspects of this "disease".
they help me understand that there are many different ways to react to and get through some of the tough times. some of those tough times are easier than what i'm used to, but some are harder. i at least can come to an understanding that my reactions aren't out of the ordinary and that there are many people who go through the same ups/downs, feelings of being able to do anything, feelings of not wanting to do anything, feelings of losing every bit of your life, feelings of regaining strength to find your life, etc.
i have read almost all of their posts, and i would say that over 3/4ths of them i either laugh at or sit and nod because i totally understand. i don't laugh at them because i think it's funny that they have been through or are going through tough or good times - instead i laugh because i realize the "normal" side of being "not normal" and feel like finally i have found someone that understands and maybe i'm not crazy, or at least we can be crazy together. and i nod at most of them because i can sit here and say "yep, been there, done that" or "that is soooo true".
some questions that i end up asking are "will i ever have to go through that?", "why did that seem so much harder for me?", "why did that seem so much easier for me?", "what can i do to help them?", "why do i, or anyone for that matter, have to even deal with this in the first place?", "how would i react to that if it happened to me?", "why can't people understand what we go through?", etc.
it scares me to think that i can try so hard to take care of this and try to make my world/life "normal", but everything could still just topple over like no effort was there to begin with. there are so many things that i know i haven't dealt with in life that completely freak me out about what my reaction would be and that i wouldn't be able to get through them. one of the main things is that i worry about when my parents die, what will i do? how will i get through that? right now, i can have a great day but at any random moment i could just sit and think about my grandma and i start to cry because i wish i could have done something to help her a little more, or i wish that she could have been around long enough to see some of her great grandchildren, or i wish i could know that she really understood how much she meant to me. because back then, i wasn't "mature" enough to really be able to get those emotions across. and i worry now that when my parents die, i will not have done everything i can to make them realize how much i appreciate them, because i know i could not have gotten through everything without them. i don't know if i can make it the rest of the way without them, i just know i will fall in a black hole. and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not just my parents i think about. i worry about if something happened to my sister, or my neice/nephew, or my husband, etc....i get so scared about not being able to get through it. all sorts of scenarios run through my head, and i can't figure out a way to believe that i can handle it if it happens.
then another thing i constantly think about is how will i handle being pregnant and having kids. it's one of the things i want most, but it scares me to death! will i be able to stay stable through pregnancy? what about after? i've already been told that i have a very high chance of falling into a deep depression post partum because of my general emotional status, so how will i be able to get through it? will i be a total failure to my kids because i can't get through "normal" things, or handle stressful days?
i'm not in a depressed mood right now and i'm actually feeling pretty good about everything, but these things still scare me. and reading about others experiences make me question even more how i will handle it.
if any of you who have bipolar blogs read this, please understand that i truely appreciate you sharing your experiences, because as much as it scares me, it at least makes me think about it and somewhat prepare myself or try to find a sense of understanding about certain aspects of this "disease".
Monday, January 18, 2010
good news all around
i feel like things are much better lately. i have def realized that being around the people at work really bring me down, but i just try to block them out and think about the other things that i get to do outside of work. i had a good weekend, so i'm hoping that holds me through at least half the week.
i have found out 2 things in the past week that make me very excited and make me have a good outlook on what can happen in the future.
first thing, i found out that one of my best friends from high school might be moving up here - and that is AWESOME for me. i am truely comfortable with her and she accepts me for exactly the way i am, and very understanding. we can go a year without talking and then pick up right where we left off and act like we just saw each other yesterday, so it's very comforting to know that i will have another person within near vacinity that i can socialize with and not feel uncomfortable. very good news, even though it's not 100% yet, it seems like it's more 80%, but that's good enough for me to get excited for the possibility.
second thing, i just had dinner yesterday with one of my good friends from work (she works back at my main office, i don't have any good friends here at the site office as you can tell from my other posts). she is one of the few women at my company that are really involved with the engineering/construction management side of things, so it's easy to get along with her because we kind of have to deal with the same stuff. we are the same age, so that helps even more. we are in a very male dominated field, so being a young female in a male's world usually has many bumps in the road. anyhow, what i found out was that she is only working part time from now on. this is good because she just had a baby over thanksgiving, and she wasn't sure if she would come back part time or full time, but she made the decision for part time and i'm proud of her for that. our job can be very taxing, and usually ends up being more hours than most other jobs because things don't just stop when you want to stop...so it's unpredictable whether or not you'll really get off after working 9 hours, and that would mean not seeing her kid for at least 11 hours because of the commute also. so i'm very proud of her because she stood up for what she believes in - being a mother first, working second - because she wants to be involved with her kid as he grows up. now, you have to understand, being a woman in this field, you get rolled eyes if you say you want to actually be a mom instead of working like a mule. so it's hard to look at your boss, or tell your clients that you are only going to work part time - it's like they would look at you like you're not worthy of being in this field anymore. but i will give my boss some credit because the fact that he is willing to accomidate her with this is very respectful. but the reason why it makes me even more happy is because i have continuously thought to myself that there is no way that i would want to work full time if i had a kid. and i was always really worried whether or not there would be a chance that i could work part time. there were 2 reasons that i was worried, one that i wouldn't be allowed to just work part time, and the other being that i wouldn't be able to mentally handle everything if i had to work full time. i would be too exhausted from working all day everyday and feel like i wouldn't be a good mother always working long hours and basically making someone else raise my kid. so this makes it easier to think about how things could really work out for me whenever we do have kids. because i know i would have to hold some sort of job just to make sure our finances were taken care of, but it would at least take a huge load off my shoulders about not having to work loooonnnggg days and being able to give the attention to my kids that they deserve. and nick and i have talked about the fact that whenever we do have kids, we think the best option would be that i only work part time - whether it was with the company i'm at now, or if i had to find another job - so it's just good to know that they would be willing to work things out if necessary.
so, that's all good news. and like i said, i'm feeling a lot better and i think my meds are finally really working for me again. i feel like i'm enjoying things again (besides work), and i'm able to be happy about it. nick and i are back to having a good time together constantly, and i know it makes it easier on him when i feel like this. so good news all around!
when i was talking with my friend from back home, i told her how i feel lately and she said i should quote it all the time, so i figured i'd share because i'm glad i can finally say it:
"i feel like i can finally smile and mean it, laugh and feel it, and relax and enjoy it."
it's def good to be able to say that...really good.
i have found out 2 things in the past week that make me very excited and make me have a good outlook on what can happen in the future.
first thing, i found out that one of my best friends from high school might be moving up here - and that is AWESOME for me. i am truely comfortable with her and she accepts me for exactly the way i am, and very understanding. we can go a year without talking and then pick up right where we left off and act like we just saw each other yesterday, so it's very comforting to know that i will have another person within near vacinity that i can socialize with and not feel uncomfortable. very good news, even though it's not 100% yet, it seems like it's more 80%, but that's good enough for me to get excited for the possibility.
second thing, i just had dinner yesterday with one of my good friends from work (she works back at my main office, i don't have any good friends here at the site office as you can tell from my other posts). she is one of the few women at my company that are really involved with the engineering/construction management side of things, so it's easy to get along with her because we kind of have to deal with the same stuff. we are the same age, so that helps even more. we are in a very male dominated field, so being a young female in a male's world usually has many bumps in the road. anyhow, what i found out was that she is only working part time from now on. this is good because she just had a baby over thanksgiving, and she wasn't sure if she would come back part time or full time, but she made the decision for part time and i'm proud of her for that. our job can be very taxing, and usually ends up being more hours than most other jobs because things don't just stop when you want to stop...so it's unpredictable whether or not you'll really get off after working 9 hours, and that would mean not seeing her kid for at least 11 hours because of the commute also. so i'm very proud of her because she stood up for what she believes in - being a mother first, working second - because she wants to be involved with her kid as he grows up. now, you have to understand, being a woman in this field, you get rolled eyes if you say you want to actually be a mom instead of working like a mule. so it's hard to look at your boss, or tell your clients that you are only going to work part time - it's like they would look at you like you're not worthy of being in this field anymore. but i will give my boss some credit because the fact that he is willing to accomidate her with this is very respectful. but the reason why it makes me even more happy is because i have continuously thought to myself that there is no way that i would want to work full time if i had a kid. and i was always really worried whether or not there would be a chance that i could work part time. there were 2 reasons that i was worried, one that i wouldn't be allowed to just work part time, and the other being that i wouldn't be able to mentally handle everything if i had to work full time. i would be too exhausted from working all day everyday and feel like i wouldn't be a good mother always working long hours and basically making someone else raise my kid. so this makes it easier to think about how things could really work out for me whenever we do have kids. because i know i would have to hold some sort of job just to make sure our finances were taken care of, but it would at least take a huge load off my shoulders about not having to work loooonnnggg days and being able to give the attention to my kids that they deserve. and nick and i have talked about the fact that whenever we do have kids, we think the best option would be that i only work part time - whether it was with the company i'm at now, or if i had to find another job - so it's just good to know that they would be willing to work things out if necessary.
so, that's all good news. and like i said, i'm feeling a lot better and i think my meds are finally really working for me again. i feel like i'm enjoying things again (besides work), and i'm able to be happy about it. nick and i are back to having a good time together constantly, and i know it makes it easier on him when i feel like this. so good news all around!
when i was talking with my friend from back home, i told her how i feel lately and she said i should quote it all the time, so i figured i'd share because i'm glad i can finally say it:
"i feel like i can finally smile and mean it, laugh and feel it, and relax and enjoy it."
it's def good to be able to say that...really good.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
LOVE HIM!
just thought i'd post something about this, cause it made me feel good. nick had his day off today, and he came down to have lunch with me. it was nice cause he knows i can't stand it here, so he said he thought he would take me away from there for a while.
over lunch he looked at me and said he was proud of me. proud of what i've done, how far i've come, and getting through everything that happened last year. it made me feel good. i told him that i felt like last year was the longest year i've ever had, and that it just drug out for so long. unsually i feel like i blink and the year has gone by...not last year.
he looked at me and said "we went through a lot last year...but we made it, and we're ok".
I LOVE HIM!
over lunch he looked at me and said he was proud of me. proud of what i've done, how far i've come, and getting through everything that happened last year. it made me feel good. i told him that i felt like last year was the longest year i've ever had, and that it just drug out for so long. unsually i feel like i blink and the year has gone by...not last year.
he looked at me and said "we went through a lot last year...but we made it, and we're ok".
I LOVE HIM!
Monday, January 4, 2010
ok...update
so, the xmas vaca was great. didn't really know what to do with myself day to day, but in the end it was a great relaxing time. i randomly went here and there between friends and randomness. ended up spending time at the firehouse for xmas eve since nick was working. spent xmas day with sarah until nick got home from work, but we had a good time - some good discussion. then i went to sarah's house again for new years. i felt a little out of place being surrounded by a bunch of medics, but ultimately it was a good time. other than that i just relaxed, and it was great.
i won't lie though, yesterday sucked, but it was only because i knew i had to come back to work and the morons i have to deal with today. sooooo not happy about it. the past couple weeks i've realized that i think i have my meds figured out. but i also realized that i think part of the reason why i have had such a tough time adjusting is because i am MISERABLE EVERY DAY at work. when you're miserable during what you spend most of your time on, you aren't going to be a happy person. I HATE IT HERE! that's what i've figured out. it just brings me down. so i'm back to listening to music and drowning them out, hopefully i can keep that up for the next 9 months til this job is supposed to be done...it's gonna be a long 9 months.
i won't lie though, yesterday sucked, but it was only because i knew i had to come back to work and the morons i have to deal with today. sooooo not happy about it. the past couple weeks i've realized that i think i have my meds figured out. but i also realized that i think part of the reason why i have had such a tough time adjusting is because i am MISERABLE EVERY DAY at work. when you're miserable during what you spend most of your time on, you aren't going to be a happy person. I HATE IT HERE! that's what i've figured out. it just brings me down. so i'm back to listening to music and drowning them out, hopefully i can keep that up for the next 9 months til this job is supposed to be done...it's gonna be a long 9 months.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
just another day
so, i'm feeling better still. working out has helped a lot. my meds seem to be working themselves out now. so on that matter, things are good.
but i have a different post today. i realized how lonely i am sometimes. nick is always there for me and he couldn't be better about how he treats me and lets me know he loves me, but with the holidays coming up, i'm bummed. it's just gonna be another day for me. i have to work today, xmas eve, and nick has to work tomorrow but i don't. so he's gonna be at work and there's no where i can really go and feel comfortable. i don't get to go home to my fam cause i just can't afford it right now, kt went home so i can't just hang with her (i would have gone with her, but i had 2 work the past 2 days, so i couldn't leave when she was leaving). nicks fam is in NC, so i can't spend time with them. i have friends up here that have offered for me to go to their house, but it's 2 hours away. i don't want to do that cause i don't want to leave nick by himself when he gets home from work. i was thinking about going to his station and just hanging out there, but i feel like it would be awkward - the only family member/wife that is gonna go sit at her husbands fire station on xmas cause she has no where else to go - lame. i was thinking about riding at 34, but i'm not sure about that either. i started crying the other night when nick and i started talking about it - i never thought i would say i don't have anywhere to go on xmas, at lease anywhere that i would feel comfortable. i don't want to impose on other peoples xmas either. i did it one year when nick had to work 24hours, so i asked my old roommate if i could go with her to her fams xmas - awkward. i was thinking about biting the bullet and finding a way to pay for a plane/train/bus ticket just to go home, but i don't want to leave nick and i just don't have the money. i don't feel like driving down there would be great for me either cause i've been super tired lately and it would take prob 8 stops to sleep just to make it down there, and then i have to turn back around on wed to come back.
and, we're not doing anything for new years either. nick has to work the next day, and regardless what we do we wouldn't be able to just go somewhere and stay there cause we would have to come back and take care of the dogs. and i don't want to be out driving around cause of the stupid people that drink and drive. so, again, just another day.
and i am not saying that i won't enjoy the time with nick when he is home, just that xmas morning/day, i will just be sitting there knowing that so many people will be having a great time with fam and friends. i was thinking maybe i'll go to a shelter and volunteer or something. just to keep my mind off of what i won't have and know that i'm at least doing something to make other people have a little bit merrier xmas.
but i have a different post today. i realized how lonely i am sometimes. nick is always there for me and he couldn't be better about how he treats me and lets me know he loves me, but with the holidays coming up, i'm bummed. it's just gonna be another day for me. i have to work today, xmas eve, and nick has to work tomorrow but i don't. so he's gonna be at work and there's no where i can really go and feel comfortable. i don't get to go home to my fam cause i just can't afford it right now, kt went home so i can't just hang with her (i would have gone with her, but i had 2 work the past 2 days, so i couldn't leave when she was leaving). nicks fam is in NC, so i can't spend time with them. i have friends up here that have offered for me to go to their house, but it's 2 hours away. i don't want to do that cause i don't want to leave nick by himself when he gets home from work. i was thinking about going to his station and just hanging out there, but i feel like it would be awkward - the only family member/wife that is gonna go sit at her husbands fire station on xmas cause she has no where else to go - lame. i was thinking about riding at 34, but i'm not sure about that either. i started crying the other night when nick and i started talking about it - i never thought i would say i don't have anywhere to go on xmas, at lease anywhere that i would feel comfortable. i don't want to impose on other peoples xmas either. i did it one year when nick had to work 24hours, so i asked my old roommate if i could go with her to her fams xmas - awkward. i was thinking about biting the bullet and finding a way to pay for a plane/train/bus ticket just to go home, but i don't want to leave nick and i just don't have the money. i don't feel like driving down there would be great for me either cause i've been super tired lately and it would take prob 8 stops to sleep just to make it down there, and then i have to turn back around on wed to come back.
and, we're not doing anything for new years either. nick has to work the next day, and regardless what we do we wouldn't be able to just go somewhere and stay there cause we would have to come back and take care of the dogs. and i don't want to be out driving around cause of the stupid people that drink and drive. so, again, just another day.
and i am not saying that i won't enjoy the time with nick when he is home, just that xmas morning/day, i will just be sitting there knowing that so many people will be having a great time with fam and friends. i was thinking maybe i'll go to a shelter and volunteer or something. just to keep my mind off of what i won't have and know that i'm at least doing something to make other people have a little bit merrier xmas.
Friday, December 18, 2009
feelin better
so, i'm finally feeling better - but consistently. so in about a week or 2 i should be good to go cause i just went up a little on my lamictal again, so it should put me on a fun cloud nine kinda. and i'm soooooo looking forward to my 10 days off! so i think it should be a good end of the year.
hopefully i can start the new year with a whole new outlook. it's all starting to work itself out...thank goodness!
hopefully i can start the new year with a whole new outlook. it's all starting to work itself out...thank goodness!
Friday, December 11, 2009
who's annoying now....?
so, i figured out my retaliation for the annoyance i receive from the lovely people that surround me every day....I am playing Christmas songs ALL DAY, REALLY LOUD, and sparatically singing along as well....
who's the annoying one now? most likely me, and I LOVE IT!
i'll leave you with this....and don't be mad if you think about it for a really long time, and sing it over and over again in your head...
Haaappppyyyy hhhooollliiiddaaayysss, happy hooolliiiddaayyysss....haaaappppyy hoooollliiidddaaayyyyss
you're welcome
who's the annoying one now? most likely me, and I LOVE IT!
i'll leave you with this....and don't be mad if you think about it for a really long time, and sing it over and over again in your head...
Haaappppyyyy hhhooollliiiddaaayysss, happy hooolliiiddaayyysss....haaaappppyy hoooollliiidddaaayyyyss
you're welcome
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
not quite as fast as i hoped
so, first of all, update on the incident from Friday. i find it quite funny that this guy is so willing to throw shit in my face, blame me for things, and act like he doesn't need me for anything...but then yesterday, he conveniently started suckin up to me because he needed me to help him find out some information that the area engineer needed. up until yesterday afternoon, he didn't speak to me, look at me, or even act like i was there...as soon as the engineer called me for info, and then asked him for stuff too, he all of a sudden turned into my buddy because he couldn't get any of his answers without me getting everything for him....hmmmm, don't burn your bridges buddy, cause when you try to talk yourself up and show off to everyone as if you do EVERYTHING on this job and as if you are severely crucial to this job working out, just remember, you can't look that good without my help...but that's ok, i'll let you take the credit, because i think your ego apparently needs it more than i do.
ANYHOW, this working out and losing weigth thing....ugh. i hurt, every day, i'm tired and i'm sorta getting frustrated. i'm realizing that the weight isn't just going to fall off like it did when i first lost a bunch of weight. i know when i initially started everything, a big part of losing that weight was just the fact that i drastically changed my lifestyle from doing nothing and eating anything to working out constantly and paying attention to healthy foods and intake. but now, it's very frustrating. it might just be in my head, because i'm not gaining weight, and my clothes are still falling off me, but i guess i'm just getting impatient because i feel like i have so far to go and i'm already feeling like i'm hitting a road block. and recently, i've not gotten great sleep either...not really sure why cause i'm taking melatonine to help me out, but it could be because i'm getting stuffy and nick likes to crank the heater in the bedroom. so i end up waking up cause i can't breath through my nose or because i feel like i'm suffocating in the heat. but it's obvious that it effects how i feel the next day cause if i don't get a good nights sleep then i typically become a bitch and have a headache that feels like someone is taking a suction cup to the back of my eyes.
but anyhow, i'm feeling better in the sense of moods going up and down. i have my moments, but it's getting better.
ANYHOW, this working out and losing weigth thing....ugh. i hurt, every day, i'm tired and i'm sorta getting frustrated. i'm realizing that the weight isn't just going to fall off like it did when i first lost a bunch of weight. i know when i initially started everything, a big part of losing that weight was just the fact that i drastically changed my lifestyle from doing nothing and eating anything to working out constantly and paying attention to healthy foods and intake. but now, it's very frustrating. it might just be in my head, because i'm not gaining weight, and my clothes are still falling off me, but i guess i'm just getting impatient because i feel like i have so far to go and i'm already feeling like i'm hitting a road block. and recently, i've not gotten great sleep either...not really sure why cause i'm taking melatonine to help me out, but it could be because i'm getting stuffy and nick likes to crank the heater in the bedroom. so i end up waking up cause i can't breath through my nose or because i feel like i'm suffocating in the heat. but it's obvious that it effects how i feel the next day cause if i don't get a good nights sleep then i typically become a bitch and have a headache that feels like someone is taking a suction cup to the back of my eyes.
but anyhow, i'm feeling better in the sense of moods going up and down. i have my moments, but it's getting better.
Friday, December 4, 2009
can i get your opinion on something...?
so, the guy i work with that stares out the window all day...i basically got in a fight with him today. but i want your opinion on what you would have done or if you think it was right or wrong of me to do what i did....
i take care of the files here at the bridge. i deal with claims work all the time, so i know how important project files are. however, i can't claim to be the most organized or the most on top of filing everything just cause it's a lot of shit and it's hard to take a set of files that were f'd up when i got them from the previous office manager - fix them - and then keep up with them when i'm also working on other stuff and trying to keep up with the day to day data entry, etc.
so, i have all the files set up for the most part, but there are some piles that i have - which i know what they are - but they just haven't had folders made yet or haven't been put into their appropriate folders. anyhow, this guy, who does nothing all day, actually offered to help me with some of those files...so i gladly took him up on the offer because i would get more gratification outta knowing he's actually doing something rather than saying no just cause i knew there would be some sort of problem that he came up with.
so, the later ended up coming back and biting me in the ass. the files i gave him were his work product, he then gave them to me to file away. i simply asked him to seperate them by topic and that i would make folders for them. now, i need to note that these documents were in the EXACT form that i received them. there was ONE time that i had to make copies of all the ones i had in that file, but i made EXACT copies (ie, if they were stapled, then i stapled the old set back together and made sure to staple the new set, etc). well, he was going through them and came to me today and claimed that there was a bunch of documents missing. so my response to him was "well, they are the exact same way that i received them, and that's all i have of that type of document, so i don't know what would have happened to them. everything that's there is everything i've received". so, he then gets in a hissy about it saying that there's no way that he didn't put all the info in there and that it all had to have gone missing after it got to my office, etc. Mind you, this is the guy that i said ALWAYS complains about everything! so of course he started making this into a HUGE issue. My simple thought was, well i had all the documents that i was given, other than that i don't know what to tell you. he then decided to state "well, i'm not the one that has to answer to where they are".
i don't know about you, but i think it's fair to say you would probably have the same reaction that i had of "so, you're saying that i'm at fault, and i lost them or threw them away?". i didn't say that to him - yet - but i just told him he didn't need to get all bent out of shape about it. i then went and got the copies that i had made of these files, and i made them about 8 or 9 months ago, so i knew they were of exactly what i had received and how i received them. i showed him the comparison of the 2 sets and explained to him that what he saw was exactly how they were about 8 months ago when i had to make the copy, and that's all there was, no more, no less. he kept saying "well, they have to be somewhere, or someone threw them out". again, i can only take this as "well, you have to have put them somewhere else or you threw them out".
so this is where i stopped him before he got to the point of where i knew he was going. i just looked at him and told him that i wasn't about to let him sit there and try to make it seemed like I lost those documents. i have worked with claims ever since i have been at my job and know that the MOST important thing on a project is the documents...so the LAST thing i would do is get rid of them! and i knew they weren't anywhere else because i had seperated all the different files and had them either in their proper folders or in a certain pile to go in a certain folder.
well, as soon as i said that to him he got all fired up and shoved all my stuff back at me and said that he wasn't helping me anymore and that i could take care of my own stuff from now on. he got all pissy, and was saying that i was putting words in his mouth cause he never said that. i said that i didn't say he said that - i was simply stopping him from even thinking about trying to say that. see, i had already let my boss here know that he had told me stuff was missing and that i had no idea what he was talking about. my boss even ended up telling him that he never remembered seeing any of the stuff that he was talking about, so i know i'm not going crazy. so, i wasn't about to let him go around and basically telling everyone that i don't know what the F i'm doing - cause i know that's exactly what he would do. i've been here too long and listened to his mouth too many times to not believe that he will try to badmouth any person he possibly can, and make it seem like it's all someone elses fault.
so, he was fired up, which then got me fired up, and i just went and told him that i did appreciate that he was helping, but that i wasn't going to let him make it seem like i messed something up when i never even got the documents. he still said that i was putting words in his mouth. and then he said "you should know me by now, i wouldn't assume that"....HAHAHAHA. EXACTLY, i do know you by now and i know you're FULL OF SHIT! so my response to him was " i know how you make assumptions about everyone, and i'm not going to let you do it to me". he then stated "well i'm glad you're so smart. maybe if i was that smart then i could come work at OCL with you and all the other smart people there". i laughed and was like, i don't think i'm smart, i'm just stating the truth.
by that time, i felt like i was fighting with a 5 year old. he was always right and didn't do anything wrong and he was the victim. so he told me that he was done with the conversation and didn't want to talk about it anymore. i said fine, walked over to my boss and told him where i stood with the situation and that i didn't really know what he wanted me to do because he knew that this guy always bullshitted about everything. to no surprise, he agreed, and then proceeded to tell the guy to stay out of anything that i was dealing with and to just drop it.
i hate working here. it makes me miserable. and if there's anything that's worse than being miserable every day - it's to be miserable and having someone trying to throw you under the bus for something you didn't do - and that was probably a fault of his own....
so, should i have kept my mouth shut? cause i know it's hard for me to do that in general, but i don't feel like i am outta line when it comes to standing up for myself and my integrity.
i take care of the files here at the bridge. i deal with claims work all the time, so i know how important project files are. however, i can't claim to be the most organized or the most on top of filing everything just cause it's a lot of shit and it's hard to take a set of files that were f'd up when i got them from the previous office manager - fix them - and then keep up with them when i'm also working on other stuff and trying to keep up with the day to day data entry, etc.
so, i have all the files set up for the most part, but there are some piles that i have - which i know what they are - but they just haven't had folders made yet or haven't been put into their appropriate folders. anyhow, this guy, who does nothing all day, actually offered to help me with some of those files...so i gladly took him up on the offer because i would get more gratification outta knowing he's actually doing something rather than saying no just cause i knew there would be some sort of problem that he came up with.
so, the later ended up coming back and biting me in the ass. the files i gave him were his work product, he then gave them to me to file away. i simply asked him to seperate them by topic and that i would make folders for them. now, i need to note that these documents were in the EXACT form that i received them. there was ONE time that i had to make copies of all the ones i had in that file, but i made EXACT copies (ie, if they were stapled, then i stapled the old set back together and made sure to staple the new set, etc). well, he was going through them and came to me today and claimed that there was a bunch of documents missing. so my response to him was "well, they are the exact same way that i received them, and that's all i have of that type of document, so i don't know what would have happened to them. everything that's there is everything i've received". so, he then gets in a hissy about it saying that there's no way that he didn't put all the info in there and that it all had to have gone missing after it got to my office, etc. Mind you, this is the guy that i said ALWAYS complains about everything! so of course he started making this into a HUGE issue. My simple thought was, well i had all the documents that i was given, other than that i don't know what to tell you. he then decided to state "well, i'm not the one that has to answer to where they are".
i don't know about you, but i think it's fair to say you would probably have the same reaction that i had of "so, you're saying that i'm at fault, and i lost them or threw them away?". i didn't say that to him - yet - but i just told him he didn't need to get all bent out of shape about it. i then went and got the copies that i had made of these files, and i made them about 8 or 9 months ago, so i knew they were of exactly what i had received and how i received them. i showed him the comparison of the 2 sets and explained to him that what he saw was exactly how they were about 8 months ago when i had to make the copy, and that's all there was, no more, no less. he kept saying "well, they have to be somewhere, or someone threw them out". again, i can only take this as "well, you have to have put them somewhere else or you threw them out".
so this is where i stopped him before he got to the point of where i knew he was going. i just looked at him and told him that i wasn't about to let him sit there and try to make it seemed like I lost those documents. i have worked with claims ever since i have been at my job and know that the MOST important thing on a project is the documents...so the LAST thing i would do is get rid of them! and i knew they weren't anywhere else because i had seperated all the different files and had them either in their proper folders or in a certain pile to go in a certain folder.
well, as soon as i said that to him he got all fired up and shoved all my stuff back at me and said that he wasn't helping me anymore and that i could take care of my own stuff from now on. he got all pissy, and was saying that i was putting words in his mouth cause he never said that. i said that i didn't say he said that - i was simply stopping him from even thinking about trying to say that. see, i had already let my boss here know that he had told me stuff was missing and that i had no idea what he was talking about. my boss even ended up telling him that he never remembered seeing any of the stuff that he was talking about, so i know i'm not going crazy. so, i wasn't about to let him go around and basically telling everyone that i don't know what the F i'm doing - cause i know that's exactly what he would do. i've been here too long and listened to his mouth too many times to not believe that he will try to badmouth any person he possibly can, and make it seem like it's all someone elses fault.
so, he was fired up, which then got me fired up, and i just went and told him that i did appreciate that he was helping, but that i wasn't going to let him make it seem like i messed something up when i never even got the documents. he still said that i was putting words in his mouth. and then he said "you should know me by now, i wouldn't assume that"....HAHAHAHA. EXACTLY, i do know you by now and i know you're FULL OF SHIT! so my response to him was " i know how you make assumptions about everyone, and i'm not going to let you do it to me". he then stated "well i'm glad you're so smart. maybe if i was that smart then i could come work at OCL with you and all the other smart people there". i laughed and was like, i don't think i'm smart, i'm just stating the truth.
by that time, i felt like i was fighting with a 5 year old. he was always right and didn't do anything wrong and he was the victim. so he told me that he was done with the conversation and didn't want to talk about it anymore. i said fine, walked over to my boss and told him where i stood with the situation and that i didn't really know what he wanted me to do because he knew that this guy always bullshitted about everything. to no surprise, he agreed, and then proceeded to tell the guy to stay out of anything that i was dealing with and to just drop it.
i hate working here. it makes me miserable. and if there's anything that's worse than being miserable every day - it's to be miserable and having someone trying to throw you under the bus for something you didn't do - and that was probably a fault of his own....
so, should i have kept my mouth shut? cause i know it's hard for me to do that in general, but i don't feel like i am outta line when it comes to standing up for myself and my integrity.
yesterdays workout
so yesterday was supposed to be 1/2 mile run and 21 power cleans x 3. I ended up doing 1/4 mile run, 1/4 mile row, and 21 power cleans at 45lbs x 3. Did it all in 25min 50 sec. I hurt today. it felt good to finish, but it def made me feel lack of endurance on my run.
today is supposed to be row 1/2 mile, then do 3 sets of 15-12-9 of GHD situps and back extensions. oh boy sore abs and back tomorrow...can't wait!
today is supposed to be row 1/2 mile, then do 3 sets of 15-12-9 of GHD situps and back extensions. oh boy sore abs and back tomorrow...can't wait!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
it's like a shiny ball
so, i feel a little bit better this morning. not sure if it was the good sleep last night, the workout yesterday afternoon, or a combination of both. or maybe it's just my meds starting to work out again, not sure. but it's good to feel better.
so, this crossfit thing i started yesterday - i think it's like a shiny ball - it might actually keep my attention and make me want to come back as often as possible to find out what's next. you never do the same thing, and it's stuff you would regularly do in a workout, and some that you wouldn't - it's just the way they put it together and how fast it goes that makes it interesting. yesterday was my first day and the workout was to do right and left arm thrusters (using a weight in the right/left hand, elbow bent straight in front, squat down then burst up and extend your arm straight up, then start right back down into a squat again and repeat) and 1 arm pullups for reps of 15-12-9. the thrusters were supposed to be at 55lbs, but since it was my first day they scaled me back to 15lbs and then doing jump pulls (you hang like you do for a pullup, do a little swing, then when you're about to pullup you give yourself a little push/jump off the floor, but do most of it with your arms). so, ultimately it was 15 right arm thrusters, 15 left arm thrusters, 15 jump pulls - then repeat for a set of 12, then a set of 9. i did it all in 7min 30 sec. I think they were suprised that I could do that well and have the right form the entire time. the guy said i nailed it and cranked it out, and that i was alot more ready for this than he expected. i may still look outta shape, but i know i'm pretty strong, and the way they set this stuff up it's as if it's somewhat a competition, so it's makes me just go. granted, the huge guys that were in there were cranking out at 45lbs and actually doing the one arm pullups, but i felt good that i could do what i did, the right way, and as fast as i did it. i was already sore and walking funny about 15 min after i finished. i'm sore today, but not to the point of not being able to function, so i'm going back this afternoon and it's supposed to be a workout of 3 rounds of 1/2 mile run and 21 reps of 155lb power cleans...i know they will scale back the weight on power cleans, but that means i have to run 1.5 miles today...blah.
so we'll see how it goes, but i think this might def be my new workout, and i think it will help me lose weight and gain muscle faster than before because of the intensity.
so, this crossfit thing i started yesterday - i think it's like a shiny ball - it might actually keep my attention and make me want to come back as often as possible to find out what's next. you never do the same thing, and it's stuff you would regularly do in a workout, and some that you wouldn't - it's just the way they put it together and how fast it goes that makes it interesting. yesterday was my first day and the workout was to do right and left arm thrusters (using a weight in the right/left hand, elbow bent straight in front, squat down then burst up and extend your arm straight up, then start right back down into a squat again and repeat) and 1 arm pullups for reps of 15-12-9. the thrusters were supposed to be at 55lbs, but since it was my first day they scaled me back to 15lbs and then doing jump pulls (you hang like you do for a pullup, do a little swing, then when you're about to pullup you give yourself a little push/jump off the floor, but do most of it with your arms). so, ultimately it was 15 right arm thrusters, 15 left arm thrusters, 15 jump pulls - then repeat for a set of 12, then a set of 9. i did it all in 7min 30 sec. I think they were suprised that I could do that well and have the right form the entire time. the guy said i nailed it and cranked it out, and that i was alot more ready for this than he expected. i may still look outta shape, but i know i'm pretty strong, and the way they set this stuff up it's as if it's somewhat a competition, so it's makes me just go. granted, the huge guys that were in there were cranking out at 45lbs and actually doing the one arm pullups, but i felt good that i could do what i did, the right way, and as fast as i did it. i was already sore and walking funny about 15 min after i finished. i'm sore today, but not to the point of not being able to function, so i'm going back this afternoon and it's supposed to be a workout of 3 rounds of 1/2 mile run and 21 reps of 155lb power cleans...i know they will scale back the weight on power cleans, but that means i have to run 1.5 miles today...blah.
so we'll see how it goes, but i think this might def be my new workout, and i think it will help me lose weight and gain muscle faster than before because of the intensity.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
i just don't wannnaaaaa
so, i'm getting in a depressed mode. i'm super tired cause i can't sleep well at all. i'm getting emotional again, mostly because i feel like i'm starting to fail at everything I've been working hard for. i haven't worked out in about 2 weeks. i'm not gaining weight, but i'm getting "jiggly" again.
i just have NO motivation. i don't even want to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to deal with anybody or anything. basically i feel like i hate every aspect of my life. i have my moments of feeling good, but my lack of motivation and emotional state def overwhelmes the good feelings.
i have made an effort to try and find some simple workout stuff to make a little "gym area" in the basement. i found some gym floor mats, weight bars and weights, and steppers on craigslist. i haven't set it up yet, but i'm hoping once i do it might help me at least get something in during the day. if i don't feel like i can make it to the gym, then i'm hoping i can at least roll outta bed and make it downstairs.
i'm actually starting a new workout at crossfit, the place that nick goes. it's really intense workouts, but i'm thinking it might keep me interested because it's on the verge of somewhat crazy intense. hopefully it might help get some frustration out and make me feel like i accomplished a lot in a little bit of time.
i need to stop comfort eating, been doing it alot lately. i just don't feel like doing ANYTHING right now, and it makes me even more depressed because i feel like i can't overcome it.
we'll see how things go, hopefully it will turn around soon.
i just have NO motivation. i don't even want to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to deal with anybody or anything. basically i feel like i hate every aspect of my life. i have my moments of feeling good, but my lack of motivation and emotional state def overwhelmes the good feelings.
i have made an effort to try and find some simple workout stuff to make a little "gym area" in the basement. i found some gym floor mats, weight bars and weights, and steppers on craigslist. i haven't set it up yet, but i'm hoping once i do it might help me at least get something in during the day. if i don't feel like i can make it to the gym, then i'm hoping i can at least roll outta bed and make it downstairs.
i'm actually starting a new workout at crossfit, the place that nick goes. it's really intense workouts, but i'm thinking it might keep me interested because it's on the verge of somewhat crazy intense. hopefully it might help get some frustration out and make me feel like i accomplished a lot in a little bit of time.
i need to stop comfort eating, been doing it alot lately. i just don't feel like doing ANYTHING right now, and it makes me even more depressed because i feel like i can't overcome it.
we'll see how things go, hopefully it will turn around soon.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
hangin in there
so, i'm hangin in there. concentration is typically out the windo by around 1pm. then i get aggitated. i've had rediculous headaches, but i'm not sure if it's from not having a certain dose of meds, or if i'm getting a sinus infection...don't know.
but, that's all i'm gonna update, cause honestly i just don't feel like giving a long post. i'm in a blah mood, so you get a blah post.
but, that's all i'm gonna update, cause honestly i just don't feel like giving a long post. i'm in a blah mood, so you get a blah post.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
new day
it's a new day, and i'm feeling better...not really sure why, but i hope it keeps going. i actually feel a little manicy, so that might be why - i always feel like i'm on cloud nine when i'm manicy.
but, i'm just gonna look past the severe breakdown i had yesterday, during which i put a hole in a cookie sheet that was on the counter because i beat it so hard with another pan...just call me superwoman, but for not too great a reason. oh well, i have 2 more...those are safe for now.
but, i'm just gonna look past the severe breakdown i had yesterday, during which i put a hole in a cookie sheet that was on the counter because i beat it so hard with another pan...just call me superwoman, but for not too great a reason. oh well, i have 2 more...those are safe for now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
very aggitated
so, i hate everyone and everything right now. people just erk me. dumb comments erk me. everything erks me.
i'm def at the "don't fuck with me" stage. i don't want to do anything, I want to just stay home and stay away from everyone. i'm starting to hate my job again. i'm losing motivation to work out because i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. i'm getting overwhelmed and paranoid that i'm always doing something wrong and i'm being judged. ugh, i hate this feeling.
i've been away from the trailer for the last 3 working days...but they didn't let me down, i'm already pissed. looked through all my stuff again, they're taking everything in my office. i now have now paper, i'm missing half my binders, all the coffee stuff (even the stuff i hid from them) is now gone. i was told to buy that stuff in case my boss came and he wanted coffee...guess i'm in the shitter if he comes here cause i don't feel like it's my responsiblity to pay for shit that they're taking, cause they're taking it from all the places i'm hiding it. so it erks me even more because they're going out of their way to look for what i have and take it...i really want to put a huge sign up that says "stop taking all of my fucking stuff! assholes". but i have a feeling i might get in trouble for that. AND, it's gotten so bad now that they even took a stirefoam (sp?) cup that i keep and use all the time. i leave it sitting at a certain spot on my desk cause i get water with it everyday - EVERYDAY....now it's gone - i HATE BEING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's gonna be tough to keep my cool from here on out...i have a feeling i just might get into a fight with someone....and right now, i don't really care if i do.
i'm def at the "don't fuck with me" stage. i don't want to do anything, I want to just stay home and stay away from everyone. i'm starting to hate my job again. i'm losing motivation to work out because i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. i'm getting overwhelmed and paranoid that i'm always doing something wrong and i'm being judged. ugh, i hate this feeling.
i've been away from the trailer for the last 3 working days...but they didn't let me down, i'm already pissed. looked through all my stuff again, they're taking everything in my office. i now have now paper, i'm missing half my binders, all the coffee stuff (even the stuff i hid from them) is now gone. i was told to buy that stuff in case my boss came and he wanted coffee...guess i'm in the shitter if he comes here cause i don't feel like it's my responsiblity to pay for shit that they're taking, cause they're taking it from all the places i'm hiding it. so it erks me even more because they're going out of their way to look for what i have and take it...i really want to put a huge sign up that says "stop taking all of my fucking stuff! assholes". but i have a feeling i might get in trouble for that. AND, it's gotten so bad now that they even took a stirefoam (sp?) cup that i keep and use all the time. i leave it sitting at a certain spot on my desk cause i get water with it everyday - EVERYDAY....now it's gone - i HATE BEING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's gonna be tough to keep my cool from here on out...i have a feeling i just might get into a fight with someone....and right now, i don't really care if i do.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
r u serious?!
sorry, i gotta write this...
so, they're singing now...and asking trivia questions to one another....old men singing, and asking trivia questions....
AND, the jackass that sits here just starring out the window all day asks them "don't you guys have anything better to do"....PRICELESS! i work around a bunch of idiots!
so, they're singing now...and asking trivia questions to one another....old men singing, and asking trivia questions....
AND, the jackass that sits here just starring out the window all day asks them "don't you guys have anything better to do"....PRICELESS! i work around a bunch of idiots!
pardon me, but suck it...
so, that's my modo for now....anyone who asks how i'm doing, i tell them that i want to tell everyone they can suck it. and no, i don't have anything for them to suck, but the phrase just rolls off my tongue easily i guess.
all the little things are rrreeeeaaaalllllyyyy getting to me now. for instance, the 2 guys at wawa that are using only one monitor to order food, yet decide to stand in front of 2 of them, during lunchtime rush hour nontheless. and yes, to add to that, they were also old - so we had 2 old guys that didn't know how to work ONE of the monitors, and they were taking up 2 of them.....hey old man, MOVE IT! but, no, i didn't say that. i ended up waiting for the one at the end to open up and went down there, but yes i was cursing the fact that old people shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of any sort of computer operated machine.
and, so, it's been 2 days now i've been back at the trailer...with my door shut. it doesn't really help cause i can still hear THE laugh, and it seems that the air system just carries their stinch into my office anyhow.
i'm trying to be patient. i gave my doc an update and she said she wants me to come in to talk about stuff. and she uped my lamictal a little to try and help out a bit. the bad part though, i couldn't get an appt until next Wed...awesome...i should soooooo ready to go off about everything by then.
oh, and also, i have a big meeting for one of my projects on Mon...not looking forward to that ONE BIT! i'm gonna be surrounded by lawyers, geotechnical experts, financial experts, and construction experts...sweet, a bunch of men that will refuse to admit they are wrong, and who are experts at doing so. CANT WAIT!
all the little things are rrreeeeaaaalllllyyyy getting to me now. for instance, the 2 guys at wawa that are using only one monitor to order food, yet decide to stand in front of 2 of them, during lunchtime rush hour nontheless. and yes, to add to that, they were also old - so we had 2 old guys that didn't know how to work ONE of the monitors, and they were taking up 2 of them.....hey old man, MOVE IT! but, no, i didn't say that. i ended up waiting for the one at the end to open up and went down there, but yes i was cursing the fact that old people shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of any sort of computer operated machine.
and, so, it's been 2 days now i've been back at the trailer...with my door shut. it doesn't really help cause i can still hear THE laugh, and it seems that the air system just carries their stinch into my office anyhow.
i'm trying to be patient. i gave my doc an update and she said she wants me to come in to talk about stuff. and she uped my lamictal a little to try and help out a bit. the bad part though, i couldn't get an appt until next Wed...awesome...i should soooooo ready to go off about everything by then.
oh, and also, i have a big meeting for one of my projects on Mon...not looking forward to that ONE BIT! i'm gonna be surrounded by lawyers, geotechnical experts, financial experts, and construction experts...sweet, a bunch of men that will refuse to admit they are wrong, and who are experts at doing so. CANT WAIT!
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