better

so, yesterday was much better. the meds def helped. i would say that they didn't make me feel more calm, cause i wasn't manic...they just helped me relax cause i was tense about everything.

but nick came home and we talked a little more about everything. we're good. i told him i'm going to try to let things go and do my best to move in the right direction. i asked him what he wanted me to do to make things better, and his response was "keep trying. just keep trying, and if you start doing something that is bothering me, i'll let you know. but just keep trying". so, that's that. i just have to keep pushing through.

today has been better. i've been productive and i haven't felt tense at all.

i screwed up.....

.....apparently. i didn't know i was doing it, but it apparently is my fault. well, technically it is my fault, but it was not done intentionally.

i went to my johns hopkins doctor yesterday to talk to her about everything thats been going on. i knew what the outcome was going to be...more meds. but she tried to make it seem like it wasn't a "step back" because they are temporary meds on an as needed basis. she gave me anti-anxiety stuff. my problem lately hasn't been a manic episode, it's actually been an depressive one - and it's not like most. so that's why i decided to go see her cause i was trying so hard to take care of it myself, but i clearly wasn't getting anywhere. nick asked me to go a few days ago, but i told him i didn't want to cause i knew it would mean more medicine - i just hoped that i could take care of it on my own - but i couldn't.

so, she gave me the prescription, i took it to get filled, but it was going to take too long to wait on it, so i just decided i would pick it up after work. went to work....and kept thinking about EVERYTHING. and this wasn't one of those times that things are racing through my head and i can't even focus on it. it was more of a slow motion pace and i would think about one thing, analyze it, and then move to the next. and i was thinking about EVERYTHING. i just feel like i've been working so hard to make things perfect and get everything taken care of, but i feel like i'm not getting anywhere.
- i try so hard at work, yet there doesn't seem to be a certain "point" that i'm getting to. i haven't gotten a raise in 3 years, yet they've told me i've done an amazing job on the jobs we've had in those 3 years, and i work like a mule with nothing but more expected from me. there's no "i did it" point for me.
- i've been working hard to lose weight and be healthy, but it seems to be at a standstill. i'm doing this so i can be healthy, and hopefully provide a healthy life for my kids whenever it is that i have them, but that just seems to keep getting pushed further and further away. so i don't feel like i'm any closer to that step in my life than i was way before i had even met nick.
- i've been trying so hard to get all my meds worked out and stable, but i keep getting pushed back into a dark pit, and i can't figure out why...or if i feel like i know why, i just don't know how to fix it. so i don't feel like i can get to an "i did it" moment with that either.

i just feel like i'm failing. or that any time i reach a point that i should be able to pat myself on the back and that i finally made it to the halfway mark, i then feel like i'm having to start the marathon all over again because the goal gets pushed even farther.

so, i just kept thinking. and we all know what happens when i just sit and think. so needless to say it went downhill pretty fast. i was thinking about the fact that nick and i are trying to make things perfect so that everything is taken care of. me fixing my meds, me losing weight, him getting off his meds, paying off the credit card, us fixing up the house to be able to sell it and move, us wanting to move and be settled in a more comfortable home before we have a kid, trying to figure out when we should have a kid...etc.etc.etc. so i just started getting upset because i felt like i can't say i'm anywhere close to accomplishing any of that. and then i kept asking myself "why does it all have to be perfect? there are so many people who don't have things "perfect", yet they figure out a way to make it. so why do we have to sit down and plan everything out and have things "just right" in order to take the next step?". i honestly feel like we have gone above and beyond what most people would even consider taking care of in order to make sure things are better for us down the road and for our kids, but i feel like there's no end in sight to that. as if what we try to do now is never enough. there's always gonna be something else, and if we try to make it all perfect that something else will never stop.

so, i got done with work and was heading to work out. i called nick just to try to get some of the stuff off my mind. well, i know things have been hard on him. he doesn't know what to do with me more than half the time. and i know when i've been on a spiral for a couple weeks that it is very straining on him....BUT, he is my shoulder. i don't have another Nick. i don't have another person that is my go to for anything and everything. there's no one else that has to deal with me 24/7 and that i HAVE to make decisions with. so when it comes to talking about stuff that i feel like we need to talk about together, i have to go to him. well, clearly yesterday was not the day to do that. i started telling him everything i was thinking. about how i feel like we're never going to get to a point where we feel like things are "right". and of course, i started crying. well, his response was "you need to chill the fuck out". that was NOT good. then he started getting mad at me for always being upset and thinking about these things. that was NOT good. so i told him that the last thing i need is for him to get upset with me when i need to just get things off my mind and let him know how i'm feeling. well, he didn't stop. and then he said "melissa, when you've been acting the way you've been acting the past couple of weeks...i don't want to have a kid with you". NOT GOOD. the first part of that sentence, i totally understand why he feels that way. but the second part is what i REALLY heard, especially feeling the way i was feeling. so i hung up. there was no way i could continue talking to him after he said something like that. even if he didn't mean it in a harsh way, it came accross as such and i couldn't handle talking to him because it just felt like someone had kicked me in my chest. so he would call me, and i would ignore it. i wasn't going to answer. i wasn't going to entertain that comment. i didn't even want to think about the fact that he made that comment...so i ignored it. he called and called, and i still ignored it. he texted me and said that if i didn't answer that he would leave work and come find me...i didn't believe him, i just thought that was his way of trying to get me to answer. so i still didn't answer. i made it to the gym and was able to text him to tell him that i just couldn't talk to him after hearing that. that our conversation would go no where but down, really fast. well, eventually i answered right before i was going into the gym. he was pissed. he said he had left work because he was worried about me doing something to myself. he thought i wasn't answering because something was wrong. that just pissed me off. yes, last week when i was at work and he called to check up on me, yes...i thought to myself that if i weren't here then i wouldn't have to worry about things. and yes, when i talked to him that night i told him that is what i thought when he called me. that i just feel like it would be easier. but i wouldn't act on it...i don't know why he really thought i would act on that. i thought he kept calling me just because he was being as stubborn as i was. that's why i didn't answer...not to make him think i was going to do something stupid.

well, i got home and we didn't talk. i took an hour long shower just to stay away from him. i gotout, took my meds, and when straight to bed at 7pm. still didn't talk to each other. i slept for about 2 hours. and then i just couldn't take it anymore. i went downstairs and just said "i don't know what else i'm supposed to do". well, he was pissed. more pissed than i've ever seen him. and that didn't help things cause now i felt bad that he took things the way he did. and it was my fault. i had no intentions of things turning out that way, but it was my fault because i am the way i am. i can't let things go. i can't just give him a chance to breath. he thinks i'm not happy with him, but that's not it. i'm very happy with him. i'm above and beyond happy with him. i just still have those things in life that i want, that i have ALWAYS wanted. he asked me if i thought having a kid was going to "fix things". that killed me. i told him i have not once ever made any sort of statement that could make him believe that my intentions of having a kid were to "fix things". i will never be "fixed". i will always have to fight, there's no getting around that. even for normal everyday people a kid is NOT a fix. they don't make you smile all the time, but it's more often than not, and the times they do are worth every second. i told him i've always wanted a kid because i feel like i have something inside of me that says i would be a good mother, a great mother. i have an urge that just tells me that is going to be one thing that i am meant for. i told him that my intentions were not to have a kid so i could play dressup and change daipers for fun. but it's because i've always felt like it's something i'm supposed to do. i have always looked out for everyone else, always been a mom to anyone around me...it's just in me. but, i guess recently i have started to question if i can handle it. can i really be a good mom if i have the issues i do? nick seems to constantly remind me of that. and i know he's scared. i'm scared as hell too. but it's a fight that i'm going to fight. it's something that i feel is 120% worth it. it's something that will make me happy because even when the kid cries all night, fusses all day, or smiles at me the right way, i can say it is a fight worth fighting. the other things that i've been fighting for, i haven't been fighting for it for me. work - i don't do that for me. i do it for the company. i don't LOVE it, it's just something i'm expected to do because that's how society makes it seem. losing weight - i do it for me, my future kids, and to some extent i don't do it for me. i don't do it for me in the sense that it's what your supposed to do because society makes it seem like you will never be good enough. but i do it for me and my future kid, and nick, in order to try and make things easier and better. but right now i feel like i'm failing at that.

i don't know....yesterday was just a mess. we didn't get anything accomplished with our talk last night. he just didn't want to talk. he was mad. i kept telling him i had no intentions of him taking things that way, but he did and i didn't know what to do to make him realize he didn't need to worry. he told me he couldn't forgive me for it...but i had no idea what i wasn't being forgiven for....because i couldn't talk to him anymore because i would just become more of a basket case? i think he was just mad that he thought what he did in the first place, and it scared him...and technically it is my fault because it's all because i am the way i am...even if i didn't mean for anything to happen.

so, i'm not all cheery today to say the least. he didn't really want to say anything to me this morning. that scares me. i texted him to ask if we were ok and to tell him that i was really trying to get things taken care of. he called and said we were fine, but it still scares me. i don't want him to hate me, or be mad at me. i don't mean to do the things i do, and i don't mean for him to worry the way he does. but i do know it's hard on him. i told him i'm gonna try to let things go, and not let them work me up anymore. but it's not an overnight thing. i've been working and fighting for over 7 years now. it's not easy. i will never be cured. i will always have it, and it can cause problems no matter how hard i try to stop it.

so, again, i ask myself "can i really handle being a mom?". i think i've started to question it a lot lately. and i think the thought of not being able to just tears me up. i know i have it in me, but for some reason "me" won't allow me to get to that point.

the never ending post...continued

so i left off at the part where i basically hate life. and i do. i feel like no matter how hard i try, it always ends up with me crying.

so, as of the last part, i had gotten you from 2 weeks ago when the blizzards started, up to last tuesday after my shitty night on snow email watch. so, tuesday at work was no better. i didn't want to be there, i was fuming the entire time. i wanted to yell at everyone here because they were acting just like they always did, so with me being in the mood i was just made it worse. but i just kept to myself and got through 6 hours and went home. it was another night of crying and talking to nick, who again told me - in a very nasty and surrenduring way - to just quit cause he couldn't take it any more. so i cried even harder cause now it's causing problems between the 2 of us. i know he supports me in everything i do, and i know he thinks i'm great at my job - and he tells me that - but me being so miserable rubs on him and i know he feels helpless sometimes too. considering that he is my "go to guy" for everything, it makes me even more upset that now i'm deteriorating the one constant shoulder i have to lean on. and i know people will say "well you have plenty of friends that would be there to listen" etc, but it's not that easy. i know i have friends i can talk to, but i still feel guilty making them deal with me. just like i feel guilty knowing nick has to deal with me.

so the next day i ended up picking up a friend from work to go into the office. she is my work "go to person". i laid everything out for her and she said that i have every right feeling what i'm feeling and that if i sit down and really think about what i want and figure out that i just can not handle the pressure from work, then that's that - i need to do something to change it. so, it was a good talk, but i of course still had stuff running through my mind.

well, i had to go into our main office that day for the rescheduled meeting - that i didn't schedule to begin with, remember? so, the guy showed up and i helped him the best i could with what he needed. i then worked on ANOTHER job that i was asked to help with (i was asked prior to the blizzard to help with this job that they had dropped the ball on). so i was trying to get them caught up with that. then i got the email about the lawyers wanting to come and look at documents on fri...so i had no choice but to say yes, and spend yet again another day away from the bridge where there was plenty of stuff i needed to get caught up on.

so thursday was just another day of catching up on stuff at the bridge. i finally got to work out thursday afternoon - the blizzards and craziness of work kept me from working out, which totally threw off my routine. and then thursday night i cried again over the overwhelming feeling about the lawyers coming.

so i went into fri morning very flustered. did what i had to do to get them settled and showed them where everything was. my boss was there that day. i had to talk to him about some of the stuff the lawyers were asking about, and then he did it....he asked the question....."how are you doing?". my answer to him was "you are going to make me cry". i've stated in previous posts how i can talk to my boss very freely and tell him exactly whats on my mind. and while i had no intention of sitting him down and telling him how i feel, he asked the question and i just started pouring everything out - my thoughts and my tears. i told him i couldn't take it anymore. it was too much pressure and too overwhelming to be expected to be THE person to do this type of stuff. and that i used to live and breath this work, but i don't anymore because i've realized i have to take care of myself, etc, etc, etc. he was actually very open to everything i was saying and seemed to understand every bit of it. and when i said i told him everything on my mind, i did just that. about how i felt about my manager and how ever since i was put under him instead of dealing directly with my boss that i seemed to have more problems than not. i told him how i don't want to be the "fall back person" anymore. i was always the person they could count on if something needed to get done, i would always say yes....but i didn't want to be that person anymore. i told him i wanted to work on the projects i already had on my plate, work my 45 hours a week, and be done with it, because the rest is my time. i HAVE to do that. i have NEVER told them that before - i have NEVER told them no. so i finally told him that and he said "ok". he said he doesn't understand why i get so worked up and worried over everything because he has never heard a single complaint about me or the work i do. he said all he hears is compliments about everything i do, and that there is no reason for me to feel like i'm letting anyone down. but i told him that i felt that if i start saying no to doing all the extra stuff, then i will feel guilty for not helping out. and of course he told me not to worry about it, but come on, lets be real...i'm gonna worry no matter what. i told him i knew that the way i thought about things was what the main problem was, but it doesn't mean i can just change it. and that taking time for me and making sure i take care of myself is my way of trying to get control of feeling ok about everything. he said "ok". so, i walked away feeling much better than i did before, but i was still flustered just cause i hate having to even worry about dealing with this type of stuff. i know i'm very lucky to have a boss like i do though, cause lord knows i would have lost my job anywhere else if i talked to most people like i do him.

so, friday ended decently. i was just worked up in general, but i didn't cry anymore. it's monday and i actually haven't cried since - although i partially wanted to on saturday night. my good friend from home was in town and i went to meet up with her and her guy "friend". i feel totally comfortable talking to her, but it seemed kinda awkward when we were out to dinner. i just feel like things were a little overwhelming, but i chalk it up to having had a rough week and being a little frazzled about everything anyhow. needless to say, i slightly wanted to cry after we left cause i felt like things were just weird, but i didn't cause i just didn't have the energy to think or worry about it.

but i'm realizing that i might not be quite as stable as i thought. or maybe being thrown off my routine for a couple weeks just did me in, but needless to say, it wasn't good. i still feel crappy now, and i am still thinking about a lot of stuff. i'm jealous that nick has a job that he enjoys, i'm jealous that other people don't have to deal with the thought craziness that i have to - cause they don't understand, i'm jealous that people who shouldn't have kids do and mad that people who should can't, i'm angry cause i try to do everything i can to feel better yet i'm always miserable anyhow...i'm just bummed. i need to get to the next step. i need to move, rearrange work, find something else to keep me occupied, i want to have a kid - but clearly right now isn't the best time, and i wonder if there ever will be a good time, i just need a change and i need to look out for myself....but i need this mental crap to go away!

so, that's how i've been the past month...

warning! this is going to be the longest post ever!

so, its been a while. and honestly, i think its cause i just don't like facing the truth. i've been up and down again...mostly down though. i thought i was in the clear after all my meds had balanced out, and i was working out and felt like i was getting somewhere with it. but, just all of a sudden it hit me again, and i felt like everything i was doing was wrong, or not good enough. it has been mostly with work, but that of course just trickles down into everything else, and then the spiral begins.

i feel like every time i finally feel like i'm getting caught up with work, they throw something else at me and i get overwhelmed once again. and listen, i know that "that is life and how the real world works", but i am not lucky enough to be able to deal with "life" like every other normal person does. i'm sorry, but i can try as hard as i want, and i still feel the way i do - i can't just make it stop or change it, cause if i could i would have done it a LONG time ago. so, i just start telling myself that everything i'm doing is not good enough and i might as well quit. i feel like i can't even get one thing done 100% before another thing comes at me. i'm already working on 2 big projects (technically 3 because one of them is 2-part) and i just don't feel like i can do more. No, I DON'T WANT TO DO MORE! there, i said it. for the first time in my life i admit that I WANT TO BE SELFISH. there, that feels better. i am accepting that i need to take care of myself and do what's best for ME, so that means not allowing them to pile more and more on me. but wait, it's not that easy, now is it?! in my mind i hate them for even asking me to work on something else. because i can't say NO to them, and they know it. so then i say yes to taking on more work, and then all of the projects i work on start kicking into high gear at the same time, and i freak out and feel so overwhelmed. then i think about how i knew that was going to happen and kick myself for not saying no when i knew i wanted to.

i don't want to be an overachiever anymore. but now they're used to it, so why wouldn't they look to me to do more. so of course, i see their side and don't blame them....i blame myself for ever setting myself up for that. but then again, i used to thrive on doing EVERYTHING. but, thinking about it now, that was also when i was typically manic, so i thought i could do everything and take on the entire world. now, i'm leveled out. i don't have the energy, or drive that i had when i was manic. so now i don't want to do it anymore, and i've been tearing myself up on how i'm supposed to look at them and tell them no. i feel like if i tell them no that i would be letting them down and i would feel guilty for doing it. so, there it is, the vicious cycle...do you follow it? i want to take care of myself and make sure i have my time and not overdo myself anymore, but i feel guilty if i tell them i won't take on more work because i need to have MY time and just take care of things that are already on my plate, and then i think about what they will think of me and feel like i let them down...etc etc etc.

i can't even explain what i'm thinking right now. i feel like the entire last paragraph didn't even make sense. yet another thing i can't do right now. i honestly feel like i can't even function. i had to prepare for some attorneys to come in last friday and look at documents for one of our jobs, and i didn't know what to do. my boss wasn't in the office, so i couldn't ask him. i couldn't make a decision, i felt like there was something wrong with everything i was trying to figure out. how was i going to work this out? did i need to have breakfast for them? did i need to set up lunch? did they expect me to sit there while they're going through everything? were they going to grill me on everything about the docs? was the conference room going to be set up right? did i need to worry about bringing the couple hundred of binders to them, or do i make them go get the ones they needed on their own? ugh, it just kept on and on and on. i lost it thursday night. i just started crying. this was like the 100th time i had cried in a 2 weeks time. i honestly don't know how i came up with tears, there was no way my body could produce more.i had cried so much the week before cause i felt like i was letting them down. then i cried because i was mad that they put me in the position to feel like i was letting them down.

we had 2 huge blizzards back to back, so basically our entire area was immobile because we are NOT used to 40+ inches of snow falling within a weeks time. so i couldn't get anywhere. after the first one nick and i drove down to DC to take my sisters dog back to her and i had a panic attack from the drive down there. the roads were horrible, the drivers were worse, there was ice everywhere, a car spun out about 5 cars in front of us, people were swerving in and out trying to get past you and all of a sudden their lane stopped because of a pile of snow and they felt like it was ok to just swerve into your lane like you weren't even there. i wasn't even driving and i had a panic attack! i'm surprised i didn't rip the handle off my door cause i was holding onto it so hard. by the time we made it down there, i felt like i was going to throw up. i got into my sisters house and just started balling. uncontrollable crying because i was freaked out so bad. i had to lay down on the way back just so i couldn't see what was going on. i certainly didn't fall asleep cause i was still very nervous, but i at least didn't have to watch everything. so, i felt like an idiot for being that worked up about it, but it made me not even want to go anywhere in a car for the entire week cause we got another 20+ inches after the first 20+ inches. nick was using my car cause he HAD to go to work, being a fire fighter, and i had brought some work home with me the week before when i knew i could very well not be able to get into work that week. so i worked from home, trying to be a good employee. well, tuesday i get a call from someone at my office saying that i had a meeting wed morning with someone at the office...1 - why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me first? 2 - um, we're about to get shit on by another 20+ inches of snow tuesday night and wed morning, so exactly how am i supposed to get in there? so i told her i couldn't get anywhere. she called me back and now told me that it was changed to friday morning...1- why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me? 2 - it's been 4 days since the last snow fall and the roads are so shitty that no one can get around, so why do you think that 2 days after ANOTHER 20+ inches is going to be any better for me to get there? so she told me it was "weather permitting". seriously, weather permitting. i already know it's not going to be bad weather on Fri, the issue is NOT weather, it's that the roads are not going to be ready to drive on, i couldn't even get out of my neighborhood if i wanted to. so i cried and cried wednesday and thursday because i just couldn't get myself pulled together to even think about driving. so now i felt like i was going to let them down. called my manager to tell him i wasn't gonna be able to make it, i felt like he was putting me on a guilt trip, so i cried even more. then i cried friday cause i found out the guy still showed up at the office even though i had left him 3 messages stating that i was not going to be there and we could reschedule. so i cried some more because now this other guy was going to think i was unreliable. ugh, i hate dealing with this shit.

then, because i am so emotional and feel like i can't do anything right, i'm crying all the time to nick and then i start feeling like i'm bothering him. he constantly tries to tell me that i'm worrying over nothing, but i won't accept it. he tells me i'm doing great at my job, but i won't accept it. finally he breaks down and say "just quit" - and i honestly want to, but i won't. i just drown myself in my own misery. and i do it to myself, and i know i do, but i can't make it stop.

so then, because i felt like i let everyone down because of the snow week issue, i tell my manager that i was going to work on presidents day even though it was a holiday, in hopes to make up some points and take the target off my head. i show up at my job at the bridge at 7am, as i was pulling up he asks me if i could work in the snow removal ops center that our company was helping out with. i asked when, he said from noon that day to 6am the next. UGH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i have plenty of things i need to take care of at the bridge, and now i'm supposed to do that and go work for 18 hours over night to sit and wait for emails to pop up about roads that haven't been plowed?! god, can things be any more aggrivating right now???!!!! but i said yes, because i can't say no. and hopefully after this the target will be 100% gone and they won't think about me not coming in on fri. so, i spent 2.5 hours at the bridge trying to take care of things that i had missed during the snow week, then i drove back to my house to get stuff for the night, then drove an hour away to go sit in a room with no windows, starring at a computer screen waiting for emails to randomly pop up...oh the joy! now, we were only supposed to work 12 hour shifts, so it was supposed to be from noon till midnight, but he asked me to work till 6am cause he had to find someone to replace me. well things were so slow that the people sent me home at 12:3oam. here goes another round of crying...

on my way home i was freaked out because that night it had snowed again, but only a enough to have a thin layer on the roads - not enough for plowing. so i was driving slow. i called nick to let him know i was on my way home cause if something happened no one would think about it till after 6am cause i wasn't supposed to be on the road till then. well, the phone just rang and rang...so aggrivating! god forbid something happen to me, no one would be able to get ahold of him!. so, i just kept driving, thinking to myself "this is gonna be a long drive home" cause it was normally an hour drive in good weather, but it had snowed so i wasn't gonna push my luck. so i'm driving and all of a sudden a lexus SUV comes FLYING past me - so fast that it shook my car (as if an 18 wheeler had flown by). it freaked me out! i looked at my spedometer and thought he was going AT LEAST 90 mph. i was thinking to myself i should call the cops cause this guy was either gonna hurt someone else or was gonna wreck himself...but just as i was thinking that i see another set of head lights flying up behind me in the next lane over. i was like "sweet, this has got to be a cop and i hope he goes to pull him over cause that's rediculous!". well, yep, it was a cop. he was in the next lane over and was about to pass me when he turned his lights on, so i pulled over into the farther lane to make sure i was outta the way....well he pulled over too! he started flashing his light at me, i tried to pull over but there was no shoulder to pull onto, so i was just rolling along trying to find somewhere out of the roadway to stop, but there was so much snow there wasn't a spot in sight! he pulled next to me and started yelling at me telling me to cross BACK OVER the 4 lane highway to the OTHER shoulder....WHAT?! 1- why are you pulling ME over? 2- why do i have to play frogger and try to dodge the traffic to get to the other shoulder?! so i eventually made my way accross thinking to myself "what just happened? there is no way i was speeding because i'm so scared to drive in this that i could pee myself, so why is this dude pulling me over?!". i stopped, got out my license, he came to my window and advised me he was pulling me over for speeding. i know the look on my face must have been the dumbest look ever. i gave him my license and i was still digging for my registration when he asked if i knew how fast i was going. i said "yes, like 60 mph". he said "mam, you were doing 70 in a 55". WHAT?! YOU'RE CRAZY! and i told him that it must have been the lexus suv that just went flying past me right before then. well, i was having trouble finding my license cause it was dark, i was tired, and somewhat in shock that i was just pulled over. he eventually just asked where i was coming from and where i worked. i told him i was coming from the county snow ops center and that i worked for a construction consultant. i then realized he prob asked me that cause i had on my fire department sweatshirt. so he went back to his car and came back and said i got a warning but i needed to slow down cause it wasn't the lexus speeding cause he had paced me doing the 70 mph. you paced me? really? you pulled up behind me just as fast as the lexus did, and you immediately turned your lights on...how is that pacing?! anyhow, i got back on the road and, yes you guessed it...started crying. not sure why cause i didn't get a ticket. i was tired, i was frustrated, i was in shock, i was upset that nick wouldn't answer the phone, i was upset that i had to work that night anyhow, i was upset that i hated my job, i was upset that i felt like i was letting everyone down....everything, it just made me cry. so i got home, went to bed at 2am. woke up at 6 to let my manager know that they sent me home early and not to worry about sending anyone else over there. well, guess what...remember how he said he would have someone replace me at 6am? HE HADN'T EVEN CALLED ANYONE ELSE YET!!!!!!!!! so if they hadn't sent me home, i would still be there just hanging high and dry! UGH, PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE! then he "gave me permission" to sleep a couple more hours and head back to the bridge for work. thanks douchebag, i appreciate being "given permission" to get at least 6 hours of sleep before i go back to work. god, i hate EVERYTHING at this point!

so i went back to sleep. woke up 2 hours later. got ready for work. nick was downstairs when i was about to leave....and again, i started crying cause i just didn't understand why it was that everything i did clearly was never enough. i was tired, pulled 5 different ways at all times, and all i wanted to do was take time for me. but nope, i'm up and at it again because "that's life". well, everyone who has ever said that to me can kiss my ass. it's NOT life to be miserable. and yes, i may be the main cause of my misery, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm miserable and that i need to find a way to change that. so i cried, and cried...i finally just picked up my stuff to leave, still crying, headed out the door...and i fell on the steps on the way out! OH MY GOD!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! one thing after another! even if it's just small things, it's still one thing after another and i'm am done! i cannot mentally take this anymore! i came back inside and broke down crying harder than i was before. not because i was hurt from falling, but because i was just a mess. a mental mess. i hated work. i hated feeling the way i did. i hated not being able to get the guts to stand up for myself, and i hated feeling guilty when i convinced myself i should be selfish, i hated being such a problem for nick, i hated everything! again, i picked up my stuff and just walked out, got in my car, and sped off - still crying. i made it to work, i hated every minute, every second, every breath i was taking. nick called to check on me. he said "i just wanted to make sure you're still alive". my response was "yeah". my thought though was "i wish i wasn't". yes, i really wished i wasn't i wouldn't have to worry about all this if i just wasn't here. i wouldn't have to make decisions, i wouldn't have to feel guilty, i wouldn't have to be overwhelmed, i wouldn't feel bad for making nick deal with me, i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.

ok, this has been the longest post ever, as promised, but sadly it has to be continued cause i just can't think straight right now.

so apparently i'm pretty buff

so, i'm feeling a better. the past week or so i have had some really good workouts, and i've been surpisingly positive when i'm doing them. i've felt a little bothered about not going down in pounds, but i had some reassuring news on sunday.
don't know if you've heard of the BOD POD. i don't know all the technical info on it, but basically it is one of the most accurate ways to measure your lean body mass and your fat body mass, what your resting calorie burning is and what your active calorie burning is. then you can determine what you need to do in order to lower body fat, increase lean mass, and how many calories you should be eating compared to your output. it's kinda of an egg shape thing that you sit in (you have to wear form fitting clothes) and it uses differential air pressure to determine all this info. it takes like 5 minutes, and you get your results printed out for you afterwards. it's similar to the water weight testing, but obviously without the water, and in some ways it's considered more accurate. tons of pro athletes, gyms, fire depts, etc use it to figure out what equation is necessary to reach the optimal balance between lean/fat mass and calorie input/output.
so, i did it, and i found out i'm pretty buff. and that means that a lot of my weight is muscle. i'm still in the high percentage of body fat, but i was told that my lean body mass (bones/organs/muscle) is a lot higher than most women. AND, i found out that i have been eating 1000 calories LESS THAN i should be. so my body has probably been eating away at some of the muscle i have in order to keep up with the calories i burn when i work out (they call it survival mode).
so this means a few things. 1) i'm changing my goal weight to between 160-170lbs instead of 150 because if i kept it at 150, with the lean body weight i currently have, that means i would have to get down to about 10% body fat - and that aint happening. 2) i can eat more. so instead of worrying about not eating so much, i'm now finding it hard to eat enough. based on my body makeup, i can apparently burn about 3400 calories on a normal day at crossfit, but i have only been eating between 1200 and 1600. WAY less than i should because i found out my metabolism is high and i burn 1600 calories just sitting on the couch for an entire day. 3) with my metabolism being this high, it means that things are working really well for me with crossfit. and now that i know i have to change my eating habits, i should start losing the pounds again because i'll be working the right balance of input and output of calories. 4) this is good news cause i've felt like i hit a wall, and now i know why.
so, i'm happy to have some sort of direction now.
As for my mood. i've been pretty decent lately. i still hate work, but i've done good ignoring a lot of it. nick and i have had a pretty good time lately. as of my last LAME post, i am finding myself trying to find ways to be spontaneous again - not worry about things so much. i signed up to do the polar bear plunge this weekend with nick and some other people - it's supposed to be 28 degrees and snowing, and i have no idea what the water temp is supposed to be - so this should be interesting.
i don't know. i just feel like i got some extra fire power for the next steps i guess. we'll see how it goes.

surprising

so, i lost a few pounds. not sure how, but i did. i just weighed myself this morning - haven't done it for about a week - and i lost just over 2 lbs. i guess that's good, I guess I really made myself work hard this week because i've been so bummed about it.
but i'll take it in baby steps, every bit counts.

a little bit of a downer

this is probably gonna sound a little lame, but it's how i feel, so i have to accept that.

so, this crossfit stuff. the trainer there is a really great guy. very encouraging, very nice and outgoing. his girlfriend is there all the time too, either working out or helping him with things. they are a really nice couple and nick and i get along with them really well. so, here's the lame part - i friended them on facebook, and looking at their profiles and pictures, i'm somewhat jealous. i'm not jealous of them as a couple or as individual people - i'm jealous because it is clear that they are very easygoing and very free with the way they live their lives. they do what they want to do, they have fun, they go out and try new things, they have close friends that they seem to really have a good time with, etc. In some ways, i think i could say it's more of a respect for them, as opposed to jealousy. i feel like they live the way i used to live before all this bipolar mess. they live the way i wish i could live now. i wish i could not always worry about things and not worry about going out because i don't want to open a door to feeling upset or causing problems. i respect them for knowing who they are and being just that. now, i haven't sat down and had an indepth conversation with them so i'm sure they have their problems, but it's just the fact that you can see it in the way they approach things that it's more of a "well lets give it a shot and see what happens" as opposed to "that might not work out too well, so i'd rather not". i hate saying that i used to be the the first and now i have to claim the later. and a big thing that i respect him for is that he is doing what makes him happy. he started his own gym, and even though it's tough to get started and keep up with things, you can see it everyday he's there that he truely enjoys what he's doing and is happy with the decision he made.

so that's my lame feelings. i wish i could be the fun loving free spirited person i used to be. i wish i could still feel like i could pick up the phone and call any one of my friends to see if they want to go out on the spur of the moment, and actually have them be interested in doing so. i know i have good friends that would do that, but they are very few and far between now, and most the time i make myself believe that they probably don't feel like it, so i usually don't even bother. it's usually just me and nick, simply because he's basically the only person i feel 100% comfortable around all the time. i know he will spend time with me whether i'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between. and sometimes i don't think it's fair to nick to have to deal with me, because i know he has a fun loving and free spirited heart - i just know that most of the time he has to put the fun aside and be strong for me because of the way i am. he makes up for the confidence i typically lack, and makes up for the strong person i used to be. i hate that he can't enjoy things like he should. it's just not fair to the both of us.

and now, something else. i cried this morning. i cried because i saw a picture that they took of me working out yesterday, and i hated what i saw. i haven't changed at all in the past 1.5 months, yet i'm working harder now more than ever before. i don't feel the way i look. i feel smaller, but i get reassurance that's not the case when i see that pic. now i can feel it around my face, and in my stomach that i'm still heavy. i actually feel like i've gotten bigger since the tri, but ironically i have lost 5 pounds and have also dropped a pants size. so why am i still this big? i eat better now then i ever have before. i'm on a pretty regular diet, but still allow for the different stuff here and there. sometimes i even think i'm not eating enough because i lose every bit of energy i have, so why am i still so big? i eat more protein, less carbs, more veggies, no soda, tons of water, and it feels like nothing is working or changing. why does it have to be this hard?! and then this circles back around to what i was talking about earlier - i never used to have to worry about this. when i was laid back and having a good time, i never worried about how i looked because i was always on the go and not sitting around and eating all the time. i was in shape, and yes i did have to work really hard at one point to get that way, but it was smooth sailing after that - all up until the bipolar part.

i hate this. i hate that i can feel so good the past few days, and then just wake up and start crying and not want to go to work. feeling that way when i wake up, and then knowing that i have to come to work to deal with the BS i deal with, it doesn't make for a good outlook on the day. i'm not happy right now. i was very happy the past few days, but that picture just didn't do me any good. it's very frustrating.

at least i know there are others out there

i have started looking into some other bipolar blogs, and have found a handful that are actually very interesting. they are interesting in many different ways too. they have made me realize that i'm not the only one. i have constantly talked to people about being bipolar, but i have never talked and discussed with anyone else who is bipolar, so it opens my mind to some new understanding - and some new questions as well.
they help me understand that there are many different ways to react to and get through some of the tough times. some of those tough times are easier than what i'm used to, but some are harder. i at least can come to an understanding that my reactions aren't out of the ordinary and that there are many people who go through the same ups/downs, feelings of being able to do anything, feelings of not wanting to do anything, feelings of losing every bit of your life, feelings of regaining strength to find your life, etc.
i have read almost all of their posts, and i would say that over 3/4ths of them i either laugh at or sit and nod because i totally understand. i don't laugh at them because i think it's funny that they have been through or are going through tough or good times - instead i laugh because i realize the "normal" side of being "not normal" and feel like finally i have found someone that understands and maybe i'm not crazy, or at least we can be crazy together. and i nod at most of them because i can sit here and say "yep, been there, done that" or "that is soooo true".
some questions that i end up asking are "will i ever have to go through that?", "why did that seem so much harder for me?", "why did that seem so much easier for me?", "what can i do to help them?", "why do i, or anyone for that matter, have to even deal with this in the first place?", "how would i react to that if it happened to me?", "why can't people understand what we go through?", etc.

it scares me to think that i can try so hard to take care of this and try to make my world/life "normal", but everything could still just topple over like no effort was there to begin with. there are so many things that i know i haven't dealt with in life that completely freak me out about what my reaction would be and that i wouldn't be able to get through them. one of the main things is that i worry about when my parents die, what will i do? how will i get through that? right now, i can have a great day but at any random moment i could just sit and think about my grandma and i start to cry because i wish i could have done something to help her a little more, or i wish that she could have been around long enough to see some of her great grandchildren, or i wish i could know that she really understood how much she meant to me. because back then, i wasn't "mature" enough to really be able to get those emotions across. and i worry now that when my parents die, i will not have done everything i can to make them realize how much i appreciate them, because i know i could not have gotten through everything without them. i don't know if i can make it the rest of the way without them, i just know i will fall in a black hole. and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not just my parents i think about. i worry about if something happened to my sister, or my neice/nephew, or my husband, etc....i get so scared about not being able to get through it. all sorts of scenarios run through my head, and i can't figure out a way to believe that i can handle it if it happens.
then another thing i constantly think about is how will i handle being pregnant and having kids. it's one of the things i want most, but it scares me to death! will i be able to stay stable through pregnancy? what about after? i've already been told that i have a very high chance of falling into a deep depression post partum because of my general emotional status, so how will i be able to get through it? will i be a total failure to my kids because i can't get through "normal" things, or handle stressful days?

i'm not in a depressed mood right now and i'm actually feeling pretty good about everything, but these things still scare me. and reading about others experiences make me question even more how i will handle it.

if any of you who have bipolar blogs read this, please understand that i truely appreciate you sharing your experiences, because as much as it scares me, it at least makes me think about it and somewhat prepare myself or try to find a sense of understanding about certain aspects of this "disease".

good news all around

i feel like things are much better lately. i have def realized that being around the people at work really bring me down, but i just try to block them out and think about the other things that i get to do outside of work. i had a good weekend, so i'm hoping that holds me through at least half the week.
i have found out 2 things in the past week that make me very excited and make me have a good outlook on what can happen in the future.

first thing, i found out that one of my best friends from high school might be moving up here - and that is AWESOME for me. i am truely comfortable with her and she accepts me for exactly the way i am, and very understanding. we can go a year without talking and then pick up right where we left off and act like we just saw each other yesterday, so it's very comforting to know that i will have another person within near vacinity that i can socialize with and not feel uncomfortable. very good news, even though it's not 100% yet, it seems like it's more 80%, but that's good enough for me to get excited for the possibility.

second thing, i just had dinner yesterday with one of my good friends from work (she works back at my main office, i don't have any good friends here at the site office as you can tell from my other posts). she is one of the few women at my company that are really involved with the engineering/construction management side of things, so it's easy to get along with her because we kind of have to deal with the same stuff. we are the same age, so that helps even more. we are in a very male dominated field, so being a young female in a male's world usually has many bumps in the road. anyhow, what i found out was that she is only working part time from now on. this is good because she just had a baby over thanksgiving, and she wasn't sure if she would come back part time or full time, but she made the decision for part time and i'm proud of her for that. our job can be very taxing, and usually ends up being more hours than most other jobs because things don't just stop when you want to stop...so it's unpredictable whether or not you'll really get off after working 9 hours, and that would mean not seeing her kid for at least 11 hours because of the commute also. so i'm very proud of her because she stood up for what she believes in - being a mother first, working second - because she wants to be involved with her kid as he grows up. now, you have to understand, being a woman in this field, you get rolled eyes if you say you want to actually be a mom instead of working like a mule. so it's hard to look at your boss, or tell your clients that you are only going to work part time - it's like they would look at you like you're not worthy of being in this field anymore. but i will give my boss some credit because the fact that he is willing to accomidate her with this is very respectful. but the reason why it makes me even more happy is because i have continuously thought to myself that there is no way that i would want to work full time if i had a kid. and i was always really worried whether or not there would be a chance that i could work part time. there were 2 reasons that i was worried, one that i wouldn't be allowed to just work part time, and the other being that i wouldn't be able to mentally handle everything if i had to work full time. i would be too exhausted from working all day everyday and feel like i wouldn't be a good mother always working long hours and basically making someone else raise my kid. so this makes it easier to think about how things could really work out for me whenever we do have kids. because i know i would have to hold some sort of job just to make sure our finances were taken care of, but it would at least take a huge load off my shoulders about not having to work loooonnnggg days and being able to give the attention to my kids that they deserve. and nick and i have talked about the fact that whenever we do have kids, we think the best option would be that i only work part time - whether it was with the company i'm at now, or if i had to find another job - so it's just good to know that they would be willing to work things out if necessary.

so, that's all good news. and like i said, i'm feeling a lot better and i think my meds are finally really working for me again. i feel like i'm enjoying things again (besides work), and i'm able to be happy about it. nick and i are back to having a good time together constantly, and i know it makes it easier on him when i feel like this. so good news all around!

when i was talking with my friend from back home, i told her how i feel lately and she said i should quote it all the time, so i figured i'd share because i'm glad i can finally say it:

"i feel like i can finally smile and mean it, laugh and feel it, and relax and enjoy it."

it's def good to be able to say that...really good.

LOVE HIM!

just thought i'd post something about this, cause it made me feel good. nick had his day off today, and he came down to have lunch with me. it was nice cause he knows i can't stand it here, so he said he thought he would take me away from there for a while.
over lunch he looked at me and said he was proud of me. proud of what i've done, how far i've come, and getting through everything that happened last year. it made me feel good. i told him that i felt like last year was the longest year i've ever had, and that it just drug out for so long. unsually i feel like i blink and the year has gone by...not last year.
he looked at me and said "we went through a lot last year...but we made it, and we're ok".
I LOVE HIM!

ok...update

so, the xmas vaca was great. didn't really know what to do with myself day to day, but in the end it was a great relaxing time. i randomly went here and there between friends and randomness. ended up spending time at the firehouse for xmas eve since nick was working. spent xmas day with sarah until nick got home from work, but we had a good time - some good discussion. then i went to sarah's house again for new years. i felt a little out of place being surrounded by a bunch of medics, but ultimately it was a good time. other than that i just relaxed, and it was great.
i won't lie though, yesterday sucked, but it was only because i knew i had to come back to work and the morons i have to deal with today. sooooo not happy about it. the past couple weeks i've realized that i think i have my meds figured out. but i also realized that i think part of the reason why i have had such a tough time adjusting is because i am MISERABLE EVERY DAY at work. when you're miserable during what you spend most of your time on, you aren't going to be a happy person. I HATE IT HERE! that's what i've figured out. it just brings me down. so i'm back to listening to music and drowning them out, hopefully i can keep that up for the next 9 months til this job is supposed to be done...it's gonna be a long 9 months.

just another day

so, i'm feeling better still. working out has helped a lot. my meds seem to be working themselves out now. so on that matter, things are good.

but i have a different post today. i realized how lonely i am sometimes. nick is always there for me and he couldn't be better about how he treats me and lets me know he loves me, but with the holidays coming up, i'm bummed. it's just gonna be another day for me. i have to work today, xmas eve, and nick has to work tomorrow but i don't. so he's gonna be at work and there's no where i can really go and feel comfortable. i don't get to go home to my fam cause i just can't afford it right now, kt went home so i can't just hang with her (i would have gone with her, but i had 2 work the past 2 days, so i couldn't leave when she was leaving). nicks fam is in NC, so i can't spend time with them. i have friends up here that have offered for me to go to their house, but it's 2 hours away. i don't want to do that cause i don't want to leave nick by himself when he gets home from work. i was thinking about going to his station and just hanging out there, but i feel like it would be awkward - the only family member/wife that is gonna go sit at her husbands fire station on xmas cause she has no where else to go - lame. i was thinking about riding at 34, but i'm not sure about that either. i started crying the other night when nick and i started talking about it - i never thought i would say i don't have anywhere to go on xmas, at lease anywhere that i would feel comfortable. i don't want to impose on other peoples xmas either. i did it one year when nick had to work 24hours, so i asked my old roommate if i could go with her to her fams xmas - awkward. i was thinking about biting the bullet and finding a way to pay for a plane/train/bus ticket just to go home, but i don't want to leave nick and i just don't have the money. i don't feel like driving down there would be great for me either cause i've been super tired lately and it would take prob 8 stops to sleep just to make it down there, and then i have to turn back around on wed to come back.

and, we're not doing anything for new years either. nick has to work the next day, and regardless what we do we wouldn't be able to just go somewhere and stay there cause we would have to come back and take care of the dogs. and i don't want to be out driving around cause of the stupid people that drink and drive. so, again, just another day.

and i am not saying that i won't enjoy the time with nick when he is home, just that xmas morning/day, i will just be sitting there knowing that so many people will be having a great time with fam and friends. i was thinking maybe i'll go to a shelter and volunteer or something. just to keep my mind off of what i won't have and know that i'm at least doing something to make other people have a little bit merrier xmas.

feelin better

so, i'm finally feeling better - but consistently. so in about a week or 2 i should be good to go cause i just went up a little on my lamictal again, so it should put me on a fun cloud nine kinda. and i'm soooooo looking forward to my 10 days off! so i think it should be a good end of the year.
hopefully i can start the new year with a whole new outlook. it's all starting to work itself out...thank goodness!

who's annoying now....?

so, i figured out my retaliation for the annoyance i receive from the lovely people that surround me every day....I am playing Christmas songs ALL DAY, REALLY LOUD, and sparatically singing along as well....

who's the annoying one now? most likely me, and I LOVE IT!

i'll leave you with this....and don't be mad if you think about it for a really long time, and sing it over and over again in your head...
Haaappppyyyy hhhooollliiiddaaayysss, happy hooolliiiddaayyysss....haaaappppyy hoooollliiidddaaayyyyss

you're welcome

not quite as fast as i hoped

so, first of all, update on the incident from Friday. i find it quite funny that this guy is so willing to throw shit in my face, blame me for things, and act like he doesn't need me for anything...but then yesterday, he conveniently started suckin up to me because he needed me to help him find out some information that the area engineer needed. up until yesterday afternoon, he didn't speak to me, look at me, or even act like i was there...as soon as the engineer called me for info, and then asked him for stuff too, he all of a sudden turned into my buddy because he couldn't get any of his answers without me getting everything for him....hmmmm, don't burn your bridges buddy, cause when you try to talk yourself up and show off to everyone as if you do EVERYTHING on this job and as if you are severely crucial to this job working out, just remember, you can't look that good without my help...but that's ok, i'll let you take the credit, because i think your ego apparently needs it more than i do.

ANYHOW, this working out and losing weigth thing....ugh. i hurt, every day, i'm tired and i'm sorta getting frustrated. i'm realizing that the weight isn't just going to fall off like it did when i first lost a bunch of weight. i know when i initially started everything, a big part of losing that weight was just the fact that i drastically changed my lifestyle from doing nothing and eating anything to working out constantly and paying attention to healthy foods and intake. but now, it's very frustrating. it might just be in my head, because i'm not gaining weight, and my clothes are still falling off me, but i guess i'm just getting impatient because i feel like i have so far to go and i'm already feeling like i'm hitting a road block. and recently, i've not gotten great sleep either...not really sure why cause i'm taking melatonine to help me out, but it could be because i'm getting stuffy and nick likes to crank the heater in the bedroom. so i end up waking up cause i can't breath through my nose or because i feel like i'm suffocating in the heat. but it's obvious that it effects how i feel the next day cause if i don't get a good nights sleep then i typically become a bitch and have a headache that feels like someone is taking a suction cup to the back of my eyes.

but anyhow, i'm feeling better in the sense of moods going up and down. i have my moments, but it's getting better.

can i get your opinion on something...?

so, the guy i work with that stares out the window all day...i basically got in a fight with him today. but i want your opinion on what you would have done or if you think it was right or wrong of me to do what i did....

i take care of the files here at the bridge. i deal with claims work all the time, so i know how important project files are. however, i can't claim to be the most organized or the most on top of filing everything just cause it's a lot of shit and it's hard to take a set of files that were f'd up when i got them from the previous office manager - fix them - and then keep up with them when i'm also working on other stuff and trying to keep up with the day to day data entry, etc.
so, i have all the files set up for the most part, but there are some piles that i have - which i know what they are - but they just haven't had folders made yet or haven't been put into their appropriate folders. anyhow, this guy, who does nothing all day, actually offered to help me with some of those files...so i gladly took him up on the offer because i would get more gratification outta knowing he's actually doing something rather than saying no just cause i knew there would be some sort of problem that he came up with.

so, the later ended up coming back and biting me in the ass. the files i gave him were his work product, he then gave them to me to file away. i simply asked him to seperate them by topic and that i would make folders for them. now, i need to note that these documents were in the EXACT form that i received them. there was ONE time that i had to make copies of all the ones i had in that file, but i made EXACT copies (ie, if they were stapled, then i stapled the old set back together and made sure to staple the new set, etc). well, he was going through them and came to me today and claimed that there was a bunch of documents missing. so my response to him was "well, they are the exact same way that i received them, and that's all i have of that type of document, so i don't know what would have happened to them. everything that's there is everything i've received". so, he then gets in a hissy about it saying that there's no way that he didn't put all the info in there and that it all had to have gone missing after it got to my office, etc. Mind you, this is the guy that i said ALWAYS complains about everything! so of course he started making this into a HUGE issue. My simple thought was, well i had all the documents that i was given, other than that i don't know what to tell you. he then decided to state "well, i'm not the one that has to answer to where they are".

i don't know about you, but i think it's fair to say you would probably have the same reaction that i had of "so, you're saying that i'm at fault, and i lost them or threw them away?". i didn't say that to him - yet - but i just told him he didn't need to get all bent out of shape about it. i then went and got the copies that i had made of these files, and i made them about 8 or 9 months ago, so i knew they were of exactly what i had received and how i received them. i showed him the comparison of the 2 sets and explained to him that what he saw was exactly how they were about 8 months ago when i had to make the copy, and that's all there was, no more, no less. he kept saying "well, they have to be somewhere, or someone threw them out". again, i can only take this as "well, you have to have put them somewhere else or you threw them out".

so this is where i stopped him before he got to the point of where i knew he was going. i just looked at him and told him that i wasn't about to let him sit there and try to make it seemed like I lost those documents. i have worked with claims ever since i have been at my job and know that the MOST important thing on a project is the documents...so the LAST thing i would do is get rid of them! and i knew they weren't anywhere else because i had seperated all the different files and had them either in their proper folders or in a certain pile to go in a certain folder.

well, as soon as i said that to him he got all fired up and shoved all my stuff back at me and said that he wasn't helping me anymore and that i could take care of my own stuff from now on. he got all pissy, and was saying that i was putting words in his mouth cause he never said that. i said that i didn't say he said that - i was simply stopping him from even thinking about trying to say that. see, i had already let my boss here know that he had told me stuff was missing and that i had no idea what he was talking about. my boss even ended up telling him that he never remembered seeing any of the stuff that he was talking about, so i know i'm not going crazy. so, i wasn't about to let him go around and basically telling everyone that i don't know what the F i'm doing - cause i know that's exactly what he would do. i've been here too long and listened to his mouth too many times to not believe that he will try to badmouth any person he possibly can, and make it seem like it's all someone elses fault.

so, he was fired up, which then got me fired up, and i just went and told him that i did appreciate that he was helping, but that i wasn't going to let him make it seem like i messed something up when i never even got the documents. he still said that i was putting words in his mouth. and then he said "you should know me by now, i wouldn't assume that"....HAHAHAHA. EXACTLY, i do know you by now and i know you're FULL OF SHIT! so my response to him was " i know how you make assumptions about everyone, and i'm not going to let you do it to me". he then stated "well i'm glad you're so smart. maybe if i was that smart then i could come work at OCL with you and all the other smart people there". i laughed and was like, i don't think i'm smart, i'm just stating the truth.

by that time, i felt like i was fighting with a 5 year old. he was always right and didn't do anything wrong and he was the victim. so he told me that he was done with the conversation and didn't want to talk about it anymore. i said fine, walked over to my boss and told him where i stood with the situation and that i didn't really know what he wanted me to do because he knew that this guy always bullshitted about everything. to no surprise, he agreed, and then proceeded to tell the guy to stay out of anything that i was dealing with and to just drop it.

i hate working here. it makes me miserable. and if there's anything that's worse than being miserable every day - it's to be miserable and having someone trying to throw you under the bus for something you didn't do - and that was probably a fault of his own....

so, should i have kept my mouth shut? cause i know it's hard for me to do that in general, but i don't feel like i am outta line when it comes to standing up for myself and my integrity.

yesterdays workout

so yesterday was supposed to be 1/2 mile run and 21 power cleans x 3. I ended up doing 1/4 mile run, 1/4 mile row, and 21 power cleans at 45lbs x 3. Did it all in 25min 50 sec. I hurt today. it felt good to finish, but it def made me feel lack of endurance on my run.

today is supposed to be row 1/2 mile, then do 3 sets of 15-12-9 of GHD situps and back extensions. oh boy sore abs and back tomorrow...can't wait!

it's like a shiny ball

so, i feel a little bit better this morning. not sure if it was the good sleep last night, the workout yesterday afternoon, or a combination of both. or maybe it's just my meds starting to work out again, not sure. but it's good to feel better.
so, this crossfit thing i started yesterday - i think it's like a shiny ball - it might actually keep my attention and make me want to come back as often as possible to find out what's next. you never do the same thing, and it's stuff you would regularly do in a workout, and some that you wouldn't - it's just the way they put it together and how fast it goes that makes it interesting. yesterday was my first day and the workout was to do right and left arm thrusters (using a weight in the right/left hand, elbow bent straight in front, squat down then burst up and extend your arm straight up, then start right back down into a squat again and repeat) and 1 arm pullups for reps of 15-12-9. the thrusters were supposed to be at 55lbs, but since it was my first day they scaled me back to 15lbs and then doing jump pulls (you hang like you do for a pullup, do a little swing, then when you're about to pullup you give yourself a little push/jump off the floor, but do most of it with your arms). so, ultimately it was 15 right arm thrusters, 15 left arm thrusters, 15 jump pulls - then repeat for a set of 12, then a set of 9. i did it all in 7min 30 sec. I think they were suprised that I could do that well and have the right form the entire time. the guy said i nailed it and cranked it out, and that i was alot more ready for this than he expected. i may still look outta shape, but i know i'm pretty strong, and the way they set this stuff up it's as if it's somewhat a competition, so it's makes me just go. granted, the huge guys that were in there were cranking out at 45lbs and actually doing the one arm pullups, but i felt good that i could do what i did, the right way, and as fast as i did it. i was already sore and walking funny about 15 min after i finished. i'm sore today, but not to the point of not being able to function, so i'm going back this afternoon and it's supposed to be a workout of 3 rounds of 1/2 mile run and 21 reps of 155lb power cleans...i know they will scale back the weight on power cleans, but that means i have to run 1.5 miles today...blah.
so we'll see how it goes, but i think this might def be my new workout, and i think it will help me lose weight and gain muscle faster than before because of the intensity.

i just don't wannnaaaaa

so, i'm getting in a depressed mode. i'm super tired cause i can't sleep well at all. i'm getting emotional again, mostly because i feel like i'm starting to fail at everything I've been working hard for. i haven't worked out in about 2 weeks. i'm not gaining weight, but i'm getting "jiggly" again.
i just have NO motivation. i don't even want to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to deal with anybody or anything. basically i feel like i hate every aspect of my life. i have my moments of feeling good, but my lack of motivation and emotional state def overwhelmes the good feelings.
i have made an effort to try and find some simple workout stuff to make a little "gym area" in the basement. i found some gym floor mats, weight bars and weights, and steppers on craigslist. i haven't set it up yet, but i'm hoping once i do it might help me at least get something in during the day. if i don't feel like i can make it to the gym, then i'm hoping i can at least roll outta bed and make it downstairs.
i'm actually starting a new workout at crossfit, the place that nick goes. it's really intense workouts, but i'm thinking it might keep me interested because it's on the verge of somewhat crazy intense. hopefully it might help get some frustration out and make me feel like i accomplished a lot in a little bit of time.
i need to stop comfort eating, been doing it alot lately. i just don't feel like doing ANYTHING right now, and it makes me even more depressed because i feel like i can't overcome it.
we'll see how things go, hopefully it will turn around soon.

hangin in there

so, i'm hangin in there. concentration is typically out the windo by around 1pm. then i get aggitated. i've had rediculous headaches, but i'm not sure if it's from not having a certain dose of meds, or if i'm getting a sinus infection...don't know.

but, that's all i'm gonna update, cause honestly i just don't feel like giving a long post. i'm in a blah mood, so you get a blah post.