i know...well, overdue

wow...its been a while. and in that time i've had some ups and some downs.

obviously, if i go into the type of detail i usually go into, then it would take FOREVER to update you - so i'll spare you that. so here are the main things that have gone on in my life....

- things between me and nick were AWESOME for quite a while. we enjoyed each others company, we hung out together doing random little things like hanging out in the kitchen and cooking food, we worked out together on a regular basis, we laughed, we did stupid things, we did fun things - i can go on and on. it was GREAT! and nick made a good point about it all. he said that he felt like we were in such a good spot because i was finally able to enjoy things again - and that's so true. i was settled with my schedule, i had a good routine going for work/the gym/taking care of things at home/and making sure to get in some random fun time. so because i was settled and balanced, things with us were going really well and we both ended up enjoying everything. so i say that in past tense because of the next point...
- i had worked so hard at the bridge to get the files taken care of and to perfect the system down there....and the project was winding down so i saw a light at the end of the tunnel. i did find out that the client that we were working for wanted to keep me at the bridge during the future contracts coming out because they were really happy with my work. so of course after all that work and finally feeling comfortable - wham - my office decided to throw me for a loop. they had another project they wanted to put me on - which is 30 min PAST my home office - which would be a total of 1.5 hours ONE WAY commute for me! going to the bridge takes me about 30 min each way, going to my main office takes me about 45 min each way, going to this place originally took 1.5 hours each way (as long as there was no traffic) - but ever since they gave me a company car to take home, it now takes 1 hour. regardless, its twice the driving time than it was to the bridge.
- so i went from having one full time job at the bridge, to having another full time job at this new project, still being responsible for the 2 claims going on back at the office AND they gave me a person i had to train and watch over at the bridge while i wasn't there. long story short - it was very overwhelming and made my life more difficult and chaotic.
- so, since this threw me off my regular schedule, i started going down hill in the past couple weeks. the drive is long and tiring - and the route i have to take for it is on some of the busiest roads in the area, the work i have to do at the new job is going to be much more involved than originally thought - and again dealing with a bunch of old men that don't want to do anything new and certainly don't want to be told what to do by a young woman, i still have to train the guy at the bridge and make sure he gets the work done there properly, and i never know where i'm going to be any given day because i have to jump back and forth in between the two to make sure everything is taken care of. i ultimately feel like i'm not giving 100% to either client - and not by my choice.
- so my downhill means - feeling guilty and worried that i'm dissapointing people wherever i may not be; feeling overwhelmed because when i'm one place i'm always thinking about the other; i'm getting frustrated with my office because i don't like how they put me in this position; i'm utterly exhausted which means i'm bitchy and irratable; i feel like i can't even work out to my full potential now because i'm so mentally and physically exhausted; and i just cry because i feel like i can't get everything done.
- that in turn means that after my "breakdown", i had to "breakdown" and make an appointment to see my thereapist (the regular one i just talk to, not johns hopkins) that i haven't seen in over a year. i think the thing i hated most about having to do that was that i felt like it meant i'd lost control - which i guess i had - but i wish i could figure out ways to just get through things or stop worrying.
- i went to her yesterday. it went well. at the beginning it just took a while to catch her up on whats been going on over the past year - because you know its been ALOT. but then we started talking about whats going on now, and i basically came away with her telling me the same thing nick keeps saying to me (there nick, you win). i worry too much, i'm too hard on myself, i need to quit looking at things so negatively and find the positives in whats going on, and she said it seems as though i have some sort of deeper emotional issue that makes me get so scared about letting things go. so i'm going back to her again tomorrow in hopes that we can get to the bottom of things so i can figure out what it is i need to do in order to settle down again.
- and as for me and nick - it hasn't been horrible, just not as happy and fun. i know its really hard for him whenever i'm in the moods i'm in because i always have the "yeah, but..." comment to any advice he has - i did the same thing to my therapist yesterday, so i'm not trying to be a pain specifically to him. i know he gets to a point of feeling helpless and not knowing what else he can do to help - because i never know what i need in order to feel better or get out of my funk. i'm to the point were i feel bad about having to bother him, so that is def adding to my constant worry.

where to go from here? i'm going to work with the therapist to figure things out. i've told my company to put me in one place and leave me alone, otherwise i'm truely going to lose my mind. i've continued to work out to keep that aspect up even though i've felt horrible doing some of it. i've made sure to still have "my time" as opposed to letting work rule my entire schedule. i've found that the new job isn't necessarily as bad of an atmosphere as it is over at the bridge.

i'm trying to look at things more positive...just need some time to adjust. i don't like being tipped off my balance because the slightest shift can cause a huge spiral.