so, i'm feeling a better. the past week or so i have had some really good workouts, and i've been surpisingly positive when i'm doing them. i've felt a little bothered about not going down in pounds, but i had some reassuring news on sunday.
don't know if you've heard of the BOD POD. i don't know all the technical info on it, but basically it is one of the most accurate ways to measure your lean body mass and your fat body mass, what your resting calorie burning is and what your active calorie burning is. then you can determine what you need to do in order to lower body fat, increase lean mass, and how many calories you should be eating compared to your output. it's kinda of an egg shape thing that you sit in (you have to wear form fitting clothes) and it uses differential air pressure to determine all this info. it takes like 5 minutes, and you get your results printed out for you afterwards. it's similar to the water weight testing, but obviously without the water, and in some ways it's considered more accurate. tons of pro athletes, gyms, fire depts, etc use it to figure out what equation is necessary to reach the optimal balance between lean/fat mass and calorie input/output.
so, i did it, and i found out i'm pretty buff. and that means that a lot of my weight is muscle. i'm still in the high percentage of body fat, but i was told that my lean body mass (bones/organs/muscle) is a lot higher than most women. AND, i found out that i have been eating 1000 calories LESS THAN i should be. so my body has probably been eating away at some of the muscle i have in order to keep up with the calories i burn when i work out (they call it survival mode).
so this means a few things. 1) i'm changing my goal weight to between 160-170lbs instead of 150 because if i kept it at 150, with the lean body weight i currently have, that means i would have to get down to about 10% body fat - and that aint happening. 2) i can eat more. so instead of worrying about not eating so much, i'm now finding it hard to eat enough. based on my body makeup, i can apparently burn about 3400 calories on a normal day at crossfit, but i have only been eating between 1200 and 1600. WAY less than i should because i found out my metabolism is high and i burn 1600 calories just sitting on the couch for an entire day. 3) with my metabolism being this high, it means that things are working really well for me with crossfit. and now that i know i have to change my eating habits, i should start losing the pounds again because i'll be working the right balance of input and output of calories. 4) this is good news cause i've felt like i hit a wall, and now i know why.
so, i'm happy to have some sort of direction now.
As for my mood. i've been pretty decent lately. i still hate work, but i've done good ignoring a lot of it. nick and i have had a pretty good time lately. as of my last LAME post, i am finding myself trying to find ways to be spontaneous again - not worry about things so much. i signed up to do the polar bear plunge this weekend with nick and some other people - it's supposed to be 28 degrees and snowing, and i have no idea what the water temp is supposed to be - so this should be interesting.
i don't know. i just feel like i got some extra fire power for the next steps i guess. we'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
surprising
so, i lost a few pounds. not sure how, but i did. i just weighed myself this morning - haven't done it for about a week - and i lost just over 2 lbs. i guess that's good, I guess I really made myself work hard this week because i've been so bummed about it.
but i'll take it in baby steps, every bit counts.
but i'll take it in baby steps, every bit counts.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
a little bit of a downer
this is probably gonna sound a little lame, but it's how i feel, so i have to accept that.
so, this crossfit stuff. the trainer there is a really great guy. very encouraging, very nice and outgoing. his girlfriend is there all the time too, either working out or helping him with things. they are a really nice couple and nick and i get along with them really well. so, here's the lame part - i friended them on facebook, and looking at their profiles and pictures, i'm somewhat jealous. i'm not jealous of them as a couple or as individual people - i'm jealous because it is clear that they are very easygoing and very free with the way they live their lives. they do what they want to do, they have fun, they go out and try new things, they have close friends that they seem to really have a good time with, etc. In some ways, i think i could say it's more of a respect for them, as opposed to jealousy. i feel like they live the way i used to live before all this bipolar mess. they live the way i wish i could live now. i wish i could not always worry about things and not worry about going out because i don't want to open a door to feeling upset or causing problems. i respect them for knowing who they are and being just that. now, i haven't sat down and had an indepth conversation with them so i'm sure they have their problems, but it's just the fact that you can see it in the way they approach things that it's more of a "well lets give it a shot and see what happens" as opposed to "that might not work out too well, so i'd rather not". i hate saying that i used to be the the first and now i have to claim the later. and a big thing that i respect him for is that he is doing what makes him happy. he started his own gym, and even though it's tough to get started and keep up with things, you can see it everyday he's there that he truely enjoys what he's doing and is happy with the decision he made.
so that's my lame feelings. i wish i could be the fun loving free spirited person i used to be. i wish i could still feel like i could pick up the phone and call any one of my friends to see if they want to go out on the spur of the moment, and actually have them be interested in doing so. i know i have good friends that would do that, but they are very few and far between now, and most the time i make myself believe that they probably don't feel like it, so i usually don't even bother. it's usually just me and nick, simply because he's basically the only person i feel 100% comfortable around all the time. i know he will spend time with me whether i'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between. and sometimes i don't think it's fair to nick to have to deal with me, because i know he has a fun loving and free spirited heart - i just know that most of the time he has to put the fun aside and be strong for me because of the way i am. he makes up for the confidence i typically lack, and makes up for the strong person i used to be. i hate that he can't enjoy things like he should. it's just not fair to the both of us.
and now, something else. i cried this morning. i cried because i saw a picture that they took of me working out yesterday, and i hated what i saw. i haven't changed at all in the past 1.5 months, yet i'm working harder now more than ever before. i don't feel the way i look. i feel smaller, but i get reassurance that's not the case when i see that pic. now i can feel it around my face, and in my stomach that i'm still heavy. i actually feel like i've gotten bigger since the tri, but ironically i have lost 5 pounds and have also dropped a pants size. so why am i still this big? i eat better now then i ever have before. i'm on a pretty regular diet, but still allow for the different stuff here and there. sometimes i even think i'm not eating enough because i lose every bit of energy i have, so why am i still so big? i eat more protein, less carbs, more veggies, no soda, tons of water, and it feels like nothing is working or changing. why does it have to be this hard?! and then this circles back around to what i was talking about earlier - i never used to have to worry about this. when i was laid back and having a good time, i never worried about how i looked because i was always on the go and not sitting around and eating all the time. i was in shape, and yes i did have to work really hard at one point to get that way, but it was smooth sailing after that - all up until the bipolar part.
i hate this. i hate that i can feel so good the past few days, and then just wake up and start crying and not want to go to work. feeling that way when i wake up, and then knowing that i have to come to work to deal with the BS i deal with, it doesn't make for a good outlook on the day. i'm not happy right now. i was very happy the past few days, but that picture just didn't do me any good. it's very frustrating.
so, this crossfit stuff. the trainer there is a really great guy. very encouraging, very nice and outgoing. his girlfriend is there all the time too, either working out or helping him with things. they are a really nice couple and nick and i get along with them really well. so, here's the lame part - i friended them on facebook, and looking at their profiles and pictures, i'm somewhat jealous. i'm not jealous of them as a couple or as individual people - i'm jealous because it is clear that they are very easygoing and very free with the way they live their lives. they do what they want to do, they have fun, they go out and try new things, they have close friends that they seem to really have a good time with, etc. In some ways, i think i could say it's more of a respect for them, as opposed to jealousy. i feel like they live the way i used to live before all this bipolar mess. they live the way i wish i could live now. i wish i could not always worry about things and not worry about going out because i don't want to open a door to feeling upset or causing problems. i respect them for knowing who they are and being just that. now, i haven't sat down and had an indepth conversation with them so i'm sure they have their problems, but it's just the fact that you can see it in the way they approach things that it's more of a "well lets give it a shot and see what happens" as opposed to "that might not work out too well, so i'd rather not". i hate saying that i used to be the the first and now i have to claim the later. and a big thing that i respect him for is that he is doing what makes him happy. he started his own gym, and even though it's tough to get started and keep up with things, you can see it everyday he's there that he truely enjoys what he's doing and is happy with the decision he made.
so that's my lame feelings. i wish i could be the fun loving free spirited person i used to be. i wish i could still feel like i could pick up the phone and call any one of my friends to see if they want to go out on the spur of the moment, and actually have them be interested in doing so. i know i have good friends that would do that, but they are very few and far between now, and most the time i make myself believe that they probably don't feel like it, so i usually don't even bother. it's usually just me and nick, simply because he's basically the only person i feel 100% comfortable around all the time. i know he will spend time with me whether i'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between. and sometimes i don't think it's fair to nick to have to deal with me, because i know he has a fun loving and free spirited heart - i just know that most of the time he has to put the fun aside and be strong for me because of the way i am. he makes up for the confidence i typically lack, and makes up for the strong person i used to be. i hate that he can't enjoy things like he should. it's just not fair to the both of us.
and now, something else. i cried this morning. i cried because i saw a picture that they took of me working out yesterday, and i hated what i saw. i haven't changed at all in the past 1.5 months, yet i'm working harder now more than ever before. i don't feel the way i look. i feel smaller, but i get reassurance that's not the case when i see that pic. now i can feel it around my face, and in my stomach that i'm still heavy. i actually feel like i've gotten bigger since the tri, but ironically i have lost 5 pounds and have also dropped a pants size. so why am i still this big? i eat better now then i ever have before. i'm on a pretty regular diet, but still allow for the different stuff here and there. sometimes i even think i'm not eating enough because i lose every bit of energy i have, so why am i still so big? i eat more protein, less carbs, more veggies, no soda, tons of water, and it feels like nothing is working or changing. why does it have to be this hard?! and then this circles back around to what i was talking about earlier - i never used to have to worry about this. when i was laid back and having a good time, i never worried about how i looked because i was always on the go and not sitting around and eating all the time. i was in shape, and yes i did have to work really hard at one point to get that way, but it was smooth sailing after that - all up until the bipolar part.
i hate this. i hate that i can feel so good the past few days, and then just wake up and start crying and not want to go to work. feeling that way when i wake up, and then knowing that i have to come to work to deal with the BS i deal with, it doesn't make for a good outlook on the day. i'm not happy right now. i was very happy the past few days, but that picture just didn't do me any good. it's very frustrating.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
at least i know there are others out there
i have started looking into some other bipolar blogs, and have found a handful that are actually very interesting. they are interesting in many different ways too. they have made me realize that i'm not the only one. i have constantly talked to people about being bipolar, but i have never talked and discussed with anyone else who is bipolar, so it opens my mind to some new understanding - and some new questions as well.
they help me understand that there are many different ways to react to and get through some of the tough times. some of those tough times are easier than what i'm used to, but some are harder. i at least can come to an understanding that my reactions aren't out of the ordinary and that there are many people who go through the same ups/downs, feelings of being able to do anything, feelings of not wanting to do anything, feelings of losing every bit of your life, feelings of regaining strength to find your life, etc.
i have read almost all of their posts, and i would say that over 3/4ths of them i either laugh at or sit and nod because i totally understand. i don't laugh at them because i think it's funny that they have been through or are going through tough or good times - instead i laugh because i realize the "normal" side of being "not normal" and feel like finally i have found someone that understands and maybe i'm not crazy, or at least we can be crazy together. and i nod at most of them because i can sit here and say "yep, been there, done that" or "that is soooo true".
some questions that i end up asking are "will i ever have to go through that?", "why did that seem so much harder for me?", "why did that seem so much easier for me?", "what can i do to help them?", "why do i, or anyone for that matter, have to even deal with this in the first place?", "how would i react to that if it happened to me?", "why can't people understand what we go through?", etc.
it scares me to think that i can try so hard to take care of this and try to make my world/life "normal", but everything could still just topple over like no effort was there to begin with. there are so many things that i know i haven't dealt with in life that completely freak me out about what my reaction would be and that i wouldn't be able to get through them. one of the main things is that i worry about when my parents die, what will i do? how will i get through that? right now, i can have a great day but at any random moment i could just sit and think about my grandma and i start to cry because i wish i could have done something to help her a little more, or i wish that she could have been around long enough to see some of her great grandchildren, or i wish i could know that she really understood how much she meant to me. because back then, i wasn't "mature" enough to really be able to get those emotions across. and i worry now that when my parents die, i will not have done everything i can to make them realize how much i appreciate them, because i know i could not have gotten through everything without them. i don't know if i can make it the rest of the way without them, i just know i will fall in a black hole. and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not just my parents i think about. i worry about if something happened to my sister, or my neice/nephew, or my husband, etc....i get so scared about not being able to get through it. all sorts of scenarios run through my head, and i can't figure out a way to believe that i can handle it if it happens.
then another thing i constantly think about is how will i handle being pregnant and having kids. it's one of the things i want most, but it scares me to death! will i be able to stay stable through pregnancy? what about after? i've already been told that i have a very high chance of falling into a deep depression post partum because of my general emotional status, so how will i be able to get through it? will i be a total failure to my kids because i can't get through "normal" things, or handle stressful days?
i'm not in a depressed mood right now and i'm actually feeling pretty good about everything, but these things still scare me. and reading about others experiences make me question even more how i will handle it.
if any of you who have bipolar blogs read this, please understand that i truely appreciate you sharing your experiences, because as much as it scares me, it at least makes me think about it and somewhat prepare myself or try to find a sense of understanding about certain aspects of this "disease".
they help me understand that there are many different ways to react to and get through some of the tough times. some of those tough times are easier than what i'm used to, but some are harder. i at least can come to an understanding that my reactions aren't out of the ordinary and that there are many people who go through the same ups/downs, feelings of being able to do anything, feelings of not wanting to do anything, feelings of losing every bit of your life, feelings of regaining strength to find your life, etc.
i have read almost all of their posts, and i would say that over 3/4ths of them i either laugh at or sit and nod because i totally understand. i don't laugh at them because i think it's funny that they have been through or are going through tough or good times - instead i laugh because i realize the "normal" side of being "not normal" and feel like finally i have found someone that understands and maybe i'm not crazy, or at least we can be crazy together. and i nod at most of them because i can sit here and say "yep, been there, done that" or "that is soooo true".
some questions that i end up asking are "will i ever have to go through that?", "why did that seem so much harder for me?", "why did that seem so much easier for me?", "what can i do to help them?", "why do i, or anyone for that matter, have to even deal with this in the first place?", "how would i react to that if it happened to me?", "why can't people understand what we go through?", etc.
it scares me to think that i can try so hard to take care of this and try to make my world/life "normal", but everything could still just topple over like no effort was there to begin with. there are so many things that i know i haven't dealt with in life that completely freak me out about what my reaction would be and that i wouldn't be able to get through them. one of the main things is that i worry about when my parents die, what will i do? how will i get through that? right now, i can have a great day but at any random moment i could just sit and think about my grandma and i start to cry because i wish i could have done something to help her a little more, or i wish that she could have been around long enough to see some of her great grandchildren, or i wish i could know that she really understood how much she meant to me. because back then, i wasn't "mature" enough to really be able to get those emotions across. and i worry now that when my parents die, i will not have done everything i can to make them realize how much i appreciate them, because i know i could not have gotten through everything without them. i don't know if i can make it the rest of the way without them, i just know i will fall in a black hole. and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not just my parents i think about. i worry about if something happened to my sister, or my neice/nephew, or my husband, etc....i get so scared about not being able to get through it. all sorts of scenarios run through my head, and i can't figure out a way to believe that i can handle it if it happens.
then another thing i constantly think about is how will i handle being pregnant and having kids. it's one of the things i want most, but it scares me to death! will i be able to stay stable through pregnancy? what about after? i've already been told that i have a very high chance of falling into a deep depression post partum because of my general emotional status, so how will i be able to get through it? will i be a total failure to my kids because i can't get through "normal" things, or handle stressful days?
i'm not in a depressed mood right now and i'm actually feeling pretty good about everything, but these things still scare me. and reading about others experiences make me question even more how i will handle it.
if any of you who have bipolar blogs read this, please understand that i truely appreciate you sharing your experiences, because as much as it scares me, it at least makes me think about it and somewhat prepare myself or try to find a sense of understanding about certain aspects of this "disease".
Monday, January 18, 2010
good news all around
i feel like things are much better lately. i have def realized that being around the people at work really bring me down, but i just try to block them out and think about the other things that i get to do outside of work. i had a good weekend, so i'm hoping that holds me through at least half the week.
i have found out 2 things in the past week that make me very excited and make me have a good outlook on what can happen in the future.
first thing, i found out that one of my best friends from high school might be moving up here - and that is AWESOME for me. i am truely comfortable with her and she accepts me for exactly the way i am, and very understanding. we can go a year without talking and then pick up right where we left off and act like we just saw each other yesterday, so it's very comforting to know that i will have another person within near vacinity that i can socialize with and not feel uncomfortable. very good news, even though it's not 100% yet, it seems like it's more 80%, but that's good enough for me to get excited for the possibility.
second thing, i just had dinner yesterday with one of my good friends from work (she works back at my main office, i don't have any good friends here at the site office as you can tell from my other posts). she is one of the few women at my company that are really involved with the engineering/construction management side of things, so it's easy to get along with her because we kind of have to deal with the same stuff. we are the same age, so that helps even more. we are in a very male dominated field, so being a young female in a male's world usually has many bumps in the road. anyhow, what i found out was that she is only working part time from now on. this is good because she just had a baby over thanksgiving, and she wasn't sure if she would come back part time or full time, but she made the decision for part time and i'm proud of her for that. our job can be very taxing, and usually ends up being more hours than most other jobs because things don't just stop when you want to stop...so it's unpredictable whether or not you'll really get off after working 9 hours, and that would mean not seeing her kid for at least 11 hours because of the commute also. so i'm very proud of her because she stood up for what she believes in - being a mother first, working second - because she wants to be involved with her kid as he grows up. now, you have to understand, being a woman in this field, you get rolled eyes if you say you want to actually be a mom instead of working like a mule. so it's hard to look at your boss, or tell your clients that you are only going to work part time - it's like they would look at you like you're not worthy of being in this field anymore. but i will give my boss some credit because the fact that he is willing to accomidate her with this is very respectful. but the reason why it makes me even more happy is because i have continuously thought to myself that there is no way that i would want to work full time if i had a kid. and i was always really worried whether or not there would be a chance that i could work part time. there were 2 reasons that i was worried, one that i wouldn't be allowed to just work part time, and the other being that i wouldn't be able to mentally handle everything if i had to work full time. i would be too exhausted from working all day everyday and feel like i wouldn't be a good mother always working long hours and basically making someone else raise my kid. so this makes it easier to think about how things could really work out for me whenever we do have kids. because i know i would have to hold some sort of job just to make sure our finances were taken care of, but it would at least take a huge load off my shoulders about not having to work loooonnnggg days and being able to give the attention to my kids that they deserve. and nick and i have talked about the fact that whenever we do have kids, we think the best option would be that i only work part time - whether it was with the company i'm at now, or if i had to find another job - so it's just good to know that they would be willing to work things out if necessary.
so, that's all good news. and like i said, i'm feeling a lot better and i think my meds are finally really working for me again. i feel like i'm enjoying things again (besides work), and i'm able to be happy about it. nick and i are back to having a good time together constantly, and i know it makes it easier on him when i feel like this. so good news all around!
when i was talking with my friend from back home, i told her how i feel lately and she said i should quote it all the time, so i figured i'd share because i'm glad i can finally say it:
"i feel like i can finally smile and mean it, laugh and feel it, and relax and enjoy it."
it's def good to be able to say that...really good.
i have found out 2 things in the past week that make me very excited and make me have a good outlook on what can happen in the future.
first thing, i found out that one of my best friends from high school might be moving up here - and that is AWESOME for me. i am truely comfortable with her and she accepts me for exactly the way i am, and very understanding. we can go a year without talking and then pick up right where we left off and act like we just saw each other yesterday, so it's very comforting to know that i will have another person within near vacinity that i can socialize with and not feel uncomfortable. very good news, even though it's not 100% yet, it seems like it's more 80%, but that's good enough for me to get excited for the possibility.
second thing, i just had dinner yesterday with one of my good friends from work (she works back at my main office, i don't have any good friends here at the site office as you can tell from my other posts). she is one of the few women at my company that are really involved with the engineering/construction management side of things, so it's easy to get along with her because we kind of have to deal with the same stuff. we are the same age, so that helps even more. we are in a very male dominated field, so being a young female in a male's world usually has many bumps in the road. anyhow, what i found out was that she is only working part time from now on. this is good because she just had a baby over thanksgiving, and she wasn't sure if she would come back part time or full time, but she made the decision for part time and i'm proud of her for that. our job can be very taxing, and usually ends up being more hours than most other jobs because things don't just stop when you want to stop...so it's unpredictable whether or not you'll really get off after working 9 hours, and that would mean not seeing her kid for at least 11 hours because of the commute also. so i'm very proud of her because she stood up for what she believes in - being a mother first, working second - because she wants to be involved with her kid as he grows up. now, you have to understand, being a woman in this field, you get rolled eyes if you say you want to actually be a mom instead of working like a mule. so it's hard to look at your boss, or tell your clients that you are only going to work part time - it's like they would look at you like you're not worthy of being in this field anymore. but i will give my boss some credit because the fact that he is willing to accomidate her with this is very respectful. but the reason why it makes me even more happy is because i have continuously thought to myself that there is no way that i would want to work full time if i had a kid. and i was always really worried whether or not there would be a chance that i could work part time. there were 2 reasons that i was worried, one that i wouldn't be allowed to just work part time, and the other being that i wouldn't be able to mentally handle everything if i had to work full time. i would be too exhausted from working all day everyday and feel like i wouldn't be a good mother always working long hours and basically making someone else raise my kid. so this makes it easier to think about how things could really work out for me whenever we do have kids. because i know i would have to hold some sort of job just to make sure our finances were taken care of, but it would at least take a huge load off my shoulders about not having to work loooonnnggg days and being able to give the attention to my kids that they deserve. and nick and i have talked about the fact that whenever we do have kids, we think the best option would be that i only work part time - whether it was with the company i'm at now, or if i had to find another job - so it's just good to know that they would be willing to work things out if necessary.
so, that's all good news. and like i said, i'm feeling a lot better and i think my meds are finally really working for me again. i feel like i'm enjoying things again (besides work), and i'm able to be happy about it. nick and i are back to having a good time together constantly, and i know it makes it easier on him when i feel like this. so good news all around!
when i was talking with my friend from back home, i told her how i feel lately and she said i should quote it all the time, so i figured i'd share because i'm glad i can finally say it:
"i feel like i can finally smile and mean it, laugh and feel it, and relax and enjoy it."
it's def good to be able to say that...really good.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
LOVE HIM!
just thought i'd post something about this, cause it made me feel good. nick had his day off today, and he came down to have lunch with me. it was nice cause he knows i can't stand it here, so he said he thought he would take me away from there for a while.
over lunch he looked at me and said he was proud of me. proud of what i've done, how far i've come, and getting through everything that happened last year. it made me feel good. i told him that i felt like last year was the longest year i've ever had, and that it just drug out for so long. unsually i feel like i blink and the year has gone by...not last year.
he looked at me and said "we went through a lot last year...but we made it, and we're ok".
I LOVE HIM!
over lunch he looked at me and said he was proud of me. proud of what i've done, how far i've come, and getting through everything that happened last year. it made me feel good. i told him that i felt like last year was the longest year i've ever had, and that it just drug out for so long. unsually i feel like i blink and the year has gone by...not last year.
he looked at me and said "we went through a lot last year...but we made it, and we're ok".
I LOVE HIM!
Monday, January 4, 2010
ok...update
so, the xmas vaca was great. didn't really know what to do with myself day to day, but in the end it was a great relaxing time. i randomly went here and there between friends and randomness. ended up spending time at the firehouse for xmas eve since nick was working. spent xmas day with sarah until nick got home from work, but we had a good time - some good discussion. then i went to sarah's house again for new years. i felt a little out of place being surrounded by a bunch of medics, but ultimately it was a good time. other than that i just relaxed, and it was great.
i won't lie though, yesterday sucked, but it was only because i knew i had to come back to work and the morons i have to deal with today. sooooo not happy about it. the past couple weeks i've realized that i think i have my meds figured out. but i also realized that i think part of the reason why i have had such a tough time adjusting is because i am MISERABLE EVERY DAY at work. when you're miserable during what you spend most of your time on, you aren't going to be a happy person. I HATE IT HERE! that's what i've figured out. it just brings me down. so i'm back to listening to music and drowning them out, hopefully i can keep that up for the next 9 months til this job is supposed to be done...it's gonna be a long 9 months.
i won't lie though, yesterday sucked, but it was only because i knew i had to come back to work and the morons i have to deal with today. sooooo not happy about it. the past couple weeks i've realized that i think i have my meds figured out. but i also realized that i think part of the reason why i have had such a tough time adjusting is because i am MISERABLE EVERY DAY at work. when you're miserable during what you spend most of your time on, you aren't going to be a happy person. I HATE IT HERE! that's what i've figured out. it just brings me down. so i'm back to listening to music and drowning them out, hopefully i can keep that up for the next 9 months til this job is supposed to be done...it's gonna be a long 9 months.
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