so, i'm hangin in there. concentration is typically out the windo by around 1pm. then i get aggitated. i've had rediculous headaches, but i'm not sure if it's from not having a certain dose of meds, or if i'm getting a sinus infection...don't know.
but, that's all i'm gonna update, cause honestly i just don't feel like giving a long post. i'm in a blah mood, so you get a blah post.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
new day
it's a new day, and i'm feeling better...not really sure why, but i hope it keeps going. i actually feel a little manicy, so that might be why - i always feel like i'm on cloud nine when i'm manicy.
but, i'm just gonna look past the severe breakdown i had yesterday, during which i put a hole in a cookie sheet that was on the counter because i beat it so hard with another pan...just call me superwoman, but for not too great a reason. oh well, i have 2 more...those are safe for now.
but, i'm just gonna look past the severe breakdown i had yesterday, during which i put a hole in a cookie sheet that was on the counter because i beat it so hard with another pan...just call me superwoman, but for not too great a reason. oh well, i have 2 more...those are safe for now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
very aggitated
so, i hate everyone and everything right now. people just erk me. dumb comments erk me. everything erks me.
i'm def at the "don't fuck with me" stage. i don't want to do anything, I want to just stay home and stay away from everyone. i'm starting to hate my job again. i'm losing motivation to work out because i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. i'm getting overwhelmed and paranoid that i'm always doing something wrong and i'm being judged. ugh, i hate this feeling.
i've been away from the trailer for the last 3 working days...but they didn't let me down, i'm already pissed. looked through all my stuff again, they're taking everything in my office. i now have now paper, i'm missing half my binders, all the coffee stuff (even the stuff i hid from them) is now gone. i was told to buy that stuff in case my boss came and he wanted coffee...guess i'm in the shitter if he comes here cause i don't feel like it's my responsiblity to pay for shit that they're taking, cause they're taking it from all the places i'm hiding it. so it erks me even more because they're going out of their way to look for what i have and take it...i really want to put a huge sign up that says "stop taking all of my fucking stuff! assholes". but i have a feeling i might get in trouble for that. AND, it's gotten so bad now that they even took a stirefoam (sp?) cup that i keep and use all the time. i leave it sitting at a certain spot on my desk cause i get water with it everyday - EVERYDAY....now it's gone - i HATE BEING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's gonna be tough to keep my cool from here on out...i have a feeling i just might get into a fight with someone....and right now, i don't really care if i do.
i'm def at the "don't fuck with me" stage. i don't want to do anything, I want to just stay home and stay away from everyone. i'm starting to hate my job again. i'm losing motivation to work out because i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. i'm getting overwhelmed and paranoid that i'm always doing something wrong and i'm being judged. ugh, i hate this feeling.
i've been away from the trailer for the last 3 working days...but they didn't let me down, i'm already pissed. looked through all my stuff again, they're taking everything in my office. i now have now paper, i'm missing half my binders, all the coffee stuff (even the stuff i hid from them) is now gone. i was told to buy that stuff in case my boss came and he wanted coffee...guess i'm in the shitter if he comes here cause i don't feel like it's my responsiblity to pay for shit that they're taking, cause they're taking it from all the places i'm hiding it. so it erks me even more because they're going out of their way to look for what i have and take it...i really want to put a huge sign up that says "stop taking all of my fucking stuff! assholes". but i have a feeling i might get in trouble for that. AND, it's gotten so bad now that they even took a stirefoam (sp?) cup that i keep and use all the time. i leave it sitting at a certain spot on my desk cause i get water with it everyday - EVERYDAY....now it's gone - i HATE BEING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's gonna be tough to keep my cool from here on out...i have a feeling i just might get into a fight with someone....and right now, i don't really care if i do.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
r u serious?!
sorry, i gotta write this...
so, they're singing now...and asking trivia questions to one another....old men singing, and asking trivia questions....
AND, the jackass that sits here just starring out the window all day asks them "don't you guys have anything better to do"....PRICELESS! i work around a bunch of idiots!
so, they're singing now...and asking trivia questions to one another....old men singing, and asking trivia questions....
AND, the jackass that sits here just starring out the window all day asks them "don't you guys have anything better to do"....PRICELESS! i work around a bunch of idiots!
pardon me, but suck it...
so, that's my modo for now....anyone who asks how i'm doing, i tell them that i want to tell everyone they can suck it. and no, i don't have anything for them to suck, but the phrase just rolls off my tongue easily i guess.
all the little things are rrreeeeaaaalllllyyyy getting to me now. for instance, the 2 guys at wawa that are using only one monitor to order food, yet decide to stand in front of 2 of them, during lunchtime rush hour nontheless. and yes, to add to that, they were also old - so we had 2 old guys that didn't know how to work ONE of the monitors, and they were taking up 2 of them.....hey old man, MOVE IT! but, no, i didn't say that. i ended up waiting for the one at the end to open up and went down there, but yes i was cursing the fact that old people shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of any sort of computer operated machine.
and, so, it's been 2 days now i've been back at the trailer...with my door shut. it doesn't really help cause i can still hear THE laugh, and it seems that the air system just carries their stinch into my office anyhow.
i'm trying to be patient. i gave my doc an update and she said she wants me to come in to talk about stuff. and she uped my lamictal a little to try and help out a bit. the bad part though, i couldn't get an appt until next Wed...awesome...i should soooooo ready to go off about everything by then.
oh, and also, i have a big meeting for one of my projects on Mon...not looking forward to that ONE BIT! i'm gonna be surrounded by lawyers, geotechnical experts, financial experts, and construction experts...sweet, a bunch of men that will refuse to admit they are wrong, and who are experts at doing so. CANT WAIT!
all the little things are rrreeeeaaaalllllyyyy getting to me now. for instance, the 2 guys at wawa that are using only one monitor to order food, yet decide to stand in front of 2 of them, during lunchtime rush hour nontheless. and yes, to add to that, they were also old - so we had 2 old guys that didn't know how to work ONE of the monitors, and they were taking up 2 of them.....hey old man, MOVE IT! but, no, i didn't say that. i ended up waiting for the one at the end to open up and went down there, but yes i was cursing the fact that old people shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of any sort of computer operated machine.
and, so, it's been 2 days now i've been back at the trailer...with my door shut. it doesn't really help cause i can still hear THE laugh, and it seems that the air system just carries their stinch into my office anyhow.
i'm trying to be patient. i gave my doc an update and she said she wants me to come in to talk about stuff. and she uped my lamictal a little to try and help out a bit. the bad part though, i couldn't get an appt until next Wed...awesome...i should soooooo ready to go off about everything by then.
oh, and also, i have a big meeting for one of my projects on Mon...not looking forward to that ONE BIT! i'm gonna be surrounded by lawyers, geotechnical experts, financial experts, and construction experts...sweet, a bunch of men that will refuse to admit they are wrong, and who are experts at doing so. CANT WAIT!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
me vs. the copier
so, it's really kickin in now. i've got the irriatability, the paranoia, the emotional reactions, loss of concentration, figgity, antsy, impatient....you name it, i am it.
the guys at the trailer are driving me crazy with all the little things, and when i'm in this type of mood i hate being around them because of the type of people they are. they're just rude and disrespectful - i guess i always let it go by just thinkin "well, they're construction guys", but now i feel like i want to fight back and tell them that i don't care what their career is, it still isn't right to be slobs and disgusting. needless to say, i'm now working with my office door shut - maybe it will muffle THE laugh and complaining, and hopefully provide a barrier for the stench that they seem to not be able to contain. unfortunately, i'm not able to put a toilet in here too...well, i guess i could, but it would be unsanitary, and i will pass on using a bucket.
but, yeah, i know it's all coming down on me now cause i'm to the point that whenver someone that knows about the situation asks how i'm doing i start crying again. i feel so stupid when i do, but i just can't control it. i really don't know why i cry - i think it's partly because i hate feeling like that and i'm just not able to consciously control my emotions.
yesterday i was at my main office, so thankfully the day went by faster, but the antsyness and figgityness didn't go away. by the end of the day i was about to get in a fight with the copier. we weren't on the same page, literally. i tried to print something on ledger size paper, i went over to get it and it said insert 7 1/4 x 10 1/2 paper....what? i didn't ask for a moron size, i just wanted ledger. so then i sent it on executive size. went over to get it...again, insert 7 1/4 x 10 1/2 paper. ok copier, why is it that i ask for 2 simple size prints, that i know the paper is in there for, and you suddenly ask for paper in a size that doesn't exist...really, do you think this is funny?! and of course it happened at the end of the day when i was at my whits end, trying to get something important printed out for my boss, and i had to leave right that minute in order to get home and make it to the gym on time for training. so finally i told our IT guy that he should either call the mechanic guy to come fix the copier because i was about to get in a fight with it, or he could come and tell it to stop being stupid. he went with the latter and the copier complied.
but, luckily i still go to my workouts regularly, and that typically helps me get some frustration out. my trainer has even said she can tell that i come in all tense, but that i seem so much more relaxed when i leave. i think that's true. but unfortunately, it looks like i'm gonna have to start working out on my own, cause the schedule my trainer is giving me is so random and back and forth with times of the day, that i wouldn't be able to stay sane...i hate not having a fixed schedule at the same time each day for stuff like that. cause then i feel like i'm running around and all crazy trying to remember which day is what time, etc. so i am just gonna work out bymyself for 2 days, 2 days with her, 1 day for the random thing on sat, and then wed and sun off. all of it will be at 5:30 am, so it's a good jump start in the morning and it's consistent. i just hope as i'm getting more and more bothered, and then when i possibly get into my depressed feeling, that i can motivate myself to make sure i go, and to also get a decent workout.
so, here i am, another day. gonna try my best to get stuff done and block out the BS. my boss told me yesterday that if i get antsy or aggrivated to just get up and take a car ride to get away from it. so i know he understands and that i won't be in trouble if i kinda start spacing out and need regular breaks. i'm also getting headaches still, so that doesn't help either. ugh...i'm just gonna keep pluggin along.
the guys at the trailer are driving me crazy with all the little things, and when i'm in this type of mood i hate being around them because of the type of people they are. they're just rude and disrespectful - i guess i always let it go by just thinkin "well, they're construction guys", but now i feel like i want to fight back and tell them that i don't care what their career is, it still isn't right to be slobs and disgusting. needless to say, i'm now working with my office door shut - maybe it will muffle THE laugh and complaining, and hopefully provide a barrier for the stench that they seem to not be able to contain. unfortunately, i'm not able to put a toilet in here too...well, i guess i could, but it would be unsanitary, and i will pass on using a bucket.
but, yeah, i know it's all coming down on me now cause i'm to the point that whenver someone that knows about the situation asks how i'm doing i start crying again. i feel so stupid when i do, but i just can't control it. i really don't know why i cry - i think it's partly because i hate feeling like that and i'm just not able to consciously control my emotions.
yesterday i was at my main office, so thankfully the day went by faster, but the antsyness and figgityness didn't go away. by the end of the day i was about to get in a fight with the copier. we weren't on the same page, literally. i tried to print something on ledger size paper, i went over to get it and it said insert 7 1/4 x 10 1/2 paper....what? i didn't ask for a moron size, i just wanted ledger. so then i sent it on executive size. went over to get it...again, insert 7 1/4 x 10 1/2 paper. ok copier, why is it that i ask for 2 simple size prints, that i know the paper is in there for, and you suddenly ask for paper in a size that doesn't exist...really, do you think this is funny?! and of course it happened at the end of the day when i was at my whits end, trying to get something important printed out for my boss, and i had to leave right that minute in order to get home and make it to the gym on time for training. so finally i told our IT guy that he should either call the mechanic guy to come fix the copier because i was about to get in a fight with it, or he could come and tell it to stop being stupid. he went with the latter and the copier complied.
but, luckily i still go to my workouts regularly, and that typically helps me get some frustration out. my trainer has even said she can tell that i come in all tense, but that i seem so much more relaxed when i leave. i think that's true. but unfortunately, it looks like i'm gonna have to start working out on my own, cause the schedule my trainer is giving me is so random and back and forth with times of the day, that i wouldn't be able to stay sane...i hate not having a fixed schedule at the same time each day for stuff like that. cause then i feel like i'm running around and all crazy trying to remember which day is what time, etc. so i am just gonna work out bymyself for 2 days, 2 days with her, 1 day for the random thing on sat, and then wed and sun off. all of it will be at 5:30 am, so it's a good jump start in the morning and it's consistent. i just hope as i'm getting more and more bothered, and then when i possibly get into my depressed feeling, that i can motivate myself to make sure i go, and to also get a decent workout.
so, here i am, another day. gonna try my best to get stuff done and block out the BS. my boss told me yesterday that if i get antsy or aggrivated to just get up and take a car ride to get away from it. so i know he understands and that i won't be in trouble if i kinda start spacing out and need regular breaks. i'm also getting headaches still, so that doesn't help either. ugh...i'm just gonna keep pluggin along.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
ok...game over....
so, i posted the great post yesterday morning of feeling good....boy, i jumped the gun on that one. by the end of the day i was rather antsy and getting bothered by the little things. nothing too aggrivating yet, but still bothered. for instance, i wore shoes that i don't usually wear to work because i left my boots at Katie's....i was starting to go crazy cause the shoes were a little tight, especially with thicker socks on, and i couldn't take it anymore so i just went the day without wearing shoes. ok, so that i got bothered at, but i figured out a way to handle it - even though my toes got cold. another example - i am the only girl here at the trailers, so there are things i've just learned to deal with (especially because i have lived in a firehouse with a bunch of college aged guys). well, yesterday i started to get aggrivated. the farting, the pissing on the toilet seat - i can't stand it. every time i have to use the bathroom i have to wipe everything down - i mean really? is it that hard to aim a little stream of piss into that really big round bowl?! really?! and i can handle farting, again cause i've lived with so many guys, but there comes a point that when it starts to smell like an animal died, it's time to either make it to the bathroom or get out the lysol - and i'm lucky enough to be around old men that do neither. ugh...i had to open my window AND turn 2 fans on to try and keep the stinch out of my office. so again, i was bothered, but i found a way to handle it - even if it meant freezing my but off for the sake of fresh air and cleaning piss off the seat for the sake of a clean heiny (sp?). then, there's THE laugh - oh that dreaded laugh. a guy here laughs at everything, and yes they say laughter makes you live longer - he's gonna live a damn long life...but part of me wonders if he will have years deducted because of the annoyance. seriously, THE most annoying laugh ever, and it's like a broken record. if this blog had a way of playing audio, i would record it and post it so you could understand what i'm talking about. it's like a haha-hahahaha-hahahahahaha-hahhahahaha-hehehehehehe-hehehehe-heeeeeeeeeee. i don't really know how to put it into words, literally, because it doesn't do it justice. and this, i can do nothing about. the only option is to tell him to stop laughing, but that might seem weird, and i'm not that aggrivated yet. but it's def bothersome.
other than that, i've had my own things that bother me. i'm loosing my concentration and i can't seem to sit still in my chair while i stare and type away on the computer doing the same thing i do everyday. another thing is that i bring my lunch to work, and we don't really have an "eating area", so i sit at my desk and eat...i can't get away from it. so finally yesterday i left for the sake of sanity, and went to the grocery store and bought the stuff i needed for dinner. good thing i have a refrigerator in my office, otherwise it prob would have gone bad sitting in my car. dinner turned out to suck anyhow (tried a new recipe), but i didn't care.
luckily though, i got a good night sleep last night so i'm trying to use all of my concentration this morning for as long as i have it. i just had to pause and write this post because THE laugh was back and i wanted to press the mute button.
seems like it's game over for people being safe...
other than that, i've had my own things that bother me. i'm loosing my concentration and i can't seem to sit still in my chair while i stare and type away on the computer doing the same thing i do everyday. another thing is that i bring my lunch to work, and we don't really have an "eating area", so i sit at my desk and eat...i can't get away from it. so finally yesterday i left for the sake of sanity, and went to the grocery store and bought the stuff i needed for dinner. good thing i have a refrigerator in my office, otherwise it prob would have gone bad sitting in my car. dinner turned out to suck anyhow (tried a new recipe), but i didn't care.
luckily though, i got a good night sleep last night so i'm trying to use all of my concentration this morning for as long as i have it. i just had to pause and write this post because THE laugh was back and i wanted to press the mute button.
seems like it's game over for people being safe...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
everyone is safe for now....
so, i'm officially a week into my med shift, and surprisingly i feel pretty decent. my main issue has been constant headaches, but i think it's cause of withdrawl. i had one so bad the other day i had to leave work early cause i was about to vomit i was so nausiated (sp?).
but other than that, my mood has been pretty decent. a little aggrivated here and there, but nothing too serious yet. but i'm just waiting...i know i shouldn't, but i am cause i know it's coming. luckily i have had the chance to warn everyone that i am in constant direct contact with just so they know not to take it personally.
so, for now, everyone is safe....but that's for now...there's no telling when the light switch will flick on though.
but other than that, my mood has been pretty decent. a little aggrivated here and there, but nothing too serious yet. but i'm just waiting...i know i shouldn't, but i am cause i know it's coming. luckily i have had the chance to warn everyone that i am in constant direct contact with just so they know not to take it personally.
so, for now, everyone is safe....but that's for now...there's no telling when the light switch will flick on though.
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