unbelievable

i don't understand. it's like a switch! i didn't really sleep well last night cause I still had a lot running through my mind, and i didn't take the meds to help me sleep cause i had workout at 5:30 this morning.....but i woke up at 4:30, just hopped outta bed, and it was like it was all ok again. things have happened that would have made me cry a week ago, but i don't care now. i had an awesome workout, although i was wanting to stop sooo many times because i was exhausted (doing regular training at 6:30 last night - legs by the way - and then doing bootcamp at 5:30 this morning - legs by the way - doesn't make for an easy turnover). but i didn't stop. i had to slow down a little, or drop weight, but i kept going. and to think that at bootcamp on Tuesday I wanted to tell my trainer that I didn't want to do it anymore, cause i felt so helpless and overwhelmed like i just couldn't keep up.
i still can't figure it out, but i def think it's a sign that the meds are kickin in THANK GOD! now, i would bet that from now until i lower my dose again will be glorious, no problems, just truckin along, pushin through. i just don't know how long it will be until i do that. i'm still going up on my lamictal, so i should be feeling even better in a week or two.
but, needless to say, i am proud of myself because even through all that mess i still lost weight. i've now lost 28 lbs as of this morning. i held steady for a couple weeks just cause i wasn't working out constantly, but i didn't gain weight. i have a feeling now that i'm feeling better and back on the regular workout routine, i'll prob drop 5-10 lbs before my triathlon. that's just based on how i was losing weight before - i averaged losing 3-4lbs per week, strictly because of working hard and eating right, and trust me i didn't starve myself, i ate PLENTY.i would love to be down to 210 when i do the tri, but we'll see. still worried about the run, though. not too good at running still.

gettin there...

it's not great yet, I still feel a little antsy, but I can tell I'm gettin there. Slowly but surely it's starting to balance out again, and now I'm left with the typical "fixing the broken pieces" damage that I did in my storm. happens every time. I get all worked up when I'm unbalanced, and then once i start feeling better its a "what the?" reaction to everything. this is what always makes me feel guilty, and it typically makes me want to just stay locked in my house for a while hoping that maybe the things that i thought were such a big deal and freaked out about and that were'nt an issue to anyone else might just blow over without discussion or mending necessary. but as i know from the past, i'm not so lucky....oh the joy.

it's official

yep, it's official that having messed with my meds to reduce the lithium, i am now on a rediculous manic swing....not good, very angry, antsy, irratable, impatient, and totally bothered i feel this way.
went to Johns Hopkins again for a follow up, def increased my other meds to try and help it out, but the worst part is I know it won't be better for about a week to 2 weeks cause it all has to settle in....

i hate this. i have to fight myself not to tell people exactly how i feel and to not get upset at every little thing....and everyone says just let it go, if they only knew how bad i wish those words were possible, oh how i wish. take something that another person would typically shrug a shoulder to and not even think about in 10 min - then multiply the aggrivation of it by 1000, and then stick it in one of the vicious hamster running things in my mind and sit back and watch me go insane.

Awesome...no, not really.

amazing...

it's amazing what calm sleeping can do for you. my doc told me to take my "chill pill" to help me sleep...and boy did it.
i felt so much better this weekend. my parents were in town too. it was in all a good weekend. I had to tell my mom i wasn't gonna move back home though. it went better than expected. i think i was more worried about it because i thought she would be disappointed, but she took it well and said that i had to do what i had to do. so it made me feel much better about everything.
in all, i feel pretty decent right now. it's def a better day.

perfect example

so, here's a perfect example for ya....i want to cry right now. just break down. the reason? well, the reason is because i feel bad that i had to ask if i could go to dinner with my mom, dad, sis, and her old roommates. i don't feel bad, nor am i upset, about them not inviting us - because they are coming to our house for a couple of days - but instead i feel bad because i feel like i am imposing on them. on my own fam! i am sitting here wondering if they are gonna be bothered. they're in town for a long weekend, don't get to see us often, and i feel like i'm imposing on them. and the thing about it is that i know it's stupid to feel this way and that they don't care one bit...but the emotions and thoughts going through my mind about it make me want to cry, and i don't know why. i hate this!

we're gonna go a little off track...

so, i know i haven't finished dishing out all the back up info that gets me up to this point...but i gotta do a detour.
I decided to start this blog in order to help with my feelings and kinda get things off my chest, and right now we need to do a little of that.
So, I am having a reaction to messing with my meds (long story short - but long story will eventually come in the back up info section - i'm changing my meds cause one of them has severe risks for heart defects in babies, so if i ever want to get prego it has to change). Anyhow, after lowering the dose on the one i need to get rid of about 3 weeks ago, I started to get antsy and manicy again. Of course like I typically do, I act like it's not a big deal and I try to work my way through it rather than suddenly freaking out and trying to up my other med that is supposed to balance it out. Well, finally realized it was out of my control when I had a breakdown last Thursday. It was because of a lot of reasons, but if I had to sit down and write it out, I honestly don't know what those reasons would be. That's the thing that sucks the most about this. I get so upset and fired up and antsy - but I don't know why, or it's a vicious circle that has to be ridden in order to try to figure it out. Some of it is because of work - but then I ask "is it because of work?" or "is it because i'm reacting differently to something that has to do with work" or "is my mind just making something seem like it's a problem and I'm really just blowing something out of proportion?"...and I can keep going. Typically I can have something happen, for instance a guy from my company that sat at my desk on the night time shift, he would move things or knock over sets of paperwork that I had purposfully put somewhere, change the heights of my chair, leave coffee rings on my desk, leave crumbs on my desk, etc. For the longest time I would just deal with it....but when my meds get messed with and I start getting tweaked easily, I can't handle it anymore. so in a very simple and not to cause attention way, I simply left a note on my desk telling him to find another place to sit. well, he decided to make it a big deal and call my manager - how old are we? really?!!! So, something that I was trying to handle as easy as possible became a huge mess of my boss finding out about it and being upset that we were acting immature and that he doesn't want us to seem in front of other people that we dont get along blah blah blah. So then we had to have a "we need to get along" meeting....and that was the end of it for me. I was also then told that it didn't matter what happened, what caused it, or how it was handled, we needed to forget about it and move on.....WHO MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do I need this lecture, and now why is the principle of the matter being ignored, and that principle being that this dumbass doesn't know how to respect someone elses space, and then gets pissed when he's asked not to enter it anymore. So I tried to let it go. Thank God for Nick, because when shit like this happens he's always the one that has to try and find a way to make things ok for me...and he's really good at it, but I know it's hard for him sometimes. Well, he helped me that afternoon....but that night and the next day - my mind just wasn't having it. I couldn't sleep cause my mind started racing, i had pressure in my chest and my heart was racing. eventually i did get to sleep, but i woke up with the same stuff going on. went to work trying to calm myself down and it didnt work - at all. total panic attack, not sure why. not sure if it was because of everything with work, not sure if it's cause the meds were finally out of my system and now my mind is a little outta control, not sure if i was just getting myself worked up, not sure if it was because the wind was blowing a certain way....i never know. all i do know is that i end up having an overwhelming rush of emotion come over me and the first time anything comes up with how i'm feeling, i start to cry...i called nick to tell him how i felt, and i busted out in tears, uncontrollable tears. he asks why i'm so upset, and i tell him i don't know, because i don't. then i get even more upset because i don't know why i'm upset. then i get even more upset because now me being upset and not knowing why is now effecting someone else, and they doin't know why i'm upset so they don't know how to help me.....do you see the vicious cycle? yeah, this calls for the chill pill. MUST GET HOME AND TAKE THE CHILL PILL. it all goes back to what i was saying in my other posts about if you're sleeping then you can't cause any problems or worry about anything. yep, the chill pill handles that. bad thing is, you can't bring it with you wherever you are because you take that thing, and you're out, no driving for you...just peaceful thoughtless sleep - ahhhhh, finally my mind at rest.
but here's the thing. that was last Thursday. i was a total mess. fri, sat, sun, mon were AWESOME days. nothing changed with my meds, still had the lower dose just like Thursday, but they were MEEEEEEEE days. Fri and mon i had off work, so i had a 4 day weekend. it was glorious...and it was because i took care of myself first...not worrying about anything else. just me, nick and the pups. i had my random moments with nick of "i wish i knew why i have to go through this", but he always makes me feel like it'll all work out and he'll be there to make sure of it.
tuesday, went back to work, BLAH. didn't want to be there. didn't care, didn't get excited about it one bit. i feel like it's because I'm figuring out i'm not working for ME, but instead i'm working for someone else to make money. i love the field i'm in, but when someone starts pulling bs on you and looking past you as a person and instead looking at you as a money maker - i don't care who you are, you lose respect in my book. It doesn't make me proud, and that's all i want to be - i want to be proud of what i do, regardless if i'm making money or cooking a meal. All i want is a sincere appreciation and i'll work like a mule for ya, but when that gets thrown out the window, as well as morals, respect, decensy, and taking responsibility for things - game over. so now i'm just gonna bide my time. i'm gonna be that regular employee, not the one that has gone above and beyond working 60+ hour weeks and working on 3, 4+ jobs at a time, and driving all over gods creation racking up 65000 miles on my 2 year old car.....i'm not doing it anymore.
And I don't want to cry over BS anymore. whatever the BS may be, half the time i obviously cant figure it out. but like today, i went to my workout this morning....i hate spinning, but that was part of it....i kept going because i wanted to reach the end and say good job because i didn't quit, but the entire time i was unhappy - and it wasn't even from being unhappy about spinning. i was just unhappy because i feel like i'm doing all of this to myself because i'm shifting meds around and now i feel horible and i'm swinging up and down, up and down. my trainer asked if i was ok and it was hard to just get out the words "i don't want to talk about it right now" with out breaking down and crying right there in the middle of spin class....and it's all because when i'm manic and start to think about things - I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING. and i get overwhelmed and feel like i don't have control. my mind has control, but I don't. actually, my mind doesn't have control....it's just that whatever it's doing is out of my conscious control. that's where the meds come in....and i'm messing with them, to make sure that any child i have is going to be ok...and i'm putting myself through hell over and over again, in hopes that i won't lose my mind all together in order to take care of that precious healthy child I hope to eventually have.
i hate the vicious cycle. i hate the racing mind. i hate feeling upset and not knowing why. BUT, i love all the thoughts i have about what makes me happy. having a family, volunteering, going kayaking, riding bikes with nick even though i'm not as good as him, going to the state fair, sitting on a porch and watching the sun go down overlooking a large piece of property that my dogs are going crazy on, giving old clothes to someone who needs them, helping my parents when they're older, camping, visiting old friends, taking care of kids or pets for friends....anything i can do to have an AAAHHHHH moment....i don't need a lot to make me happy. and i don't need all the BS that keeps getting in the way. i def don't need to be bipolar, but i'm doing the best i can....sometimes i just don't know what to do but cry.
after reading this, it might be evident that i'm on a manic swing because everything is all over the place and just constant rambling....welcome to my world.

here's a little more....

So, I left off with the part about pulling myself away from everyone. Technically, I wasn't JUST pulling myself away, I was destroying all relationships I had. I think I can honestly say it wasn't even really by choice. Instead it was by the way my mind was reacting to different situations and events. I ended up fighting with my sister all the time, and when I say fighting...I mean fighting. I can look back on it now and say it was basically verbal abuse and I would tear her apart for no apparent reason. Well, sometime I felt I had reason. Like how she would always comment about the stuff I wore, and she wouldn't just accept that I was a tomboy and didn't want to get all girlyed up like she did. I always have felt that I've been in her shadow, so when my mind wasn't right anyhow, I didn't need someone to keep telling me that I wasn't up to par. I even went over to my aunt and uncles house one time and found out from my cousin after i left that my aunt stated "she is never allowed to come over here again if she is dressed like that". Nice...I was wearing camo cargo shorts and a t-shirt - she made it seem like i was in fishnets and titty tassles. Well, with my mind the way it is, it's little stuff like that that kept telling me to just stay away and find reasons to avoid. My sister lived upstairs from me, but there were times when it wasn't volleyball season that I wouldn't see her for weeks at a time, and that was fine by me. I wouldn't really see many people. I would sleep. I was always depressed, sleeping was the best way not to worry about anything...that is, if my mind would stop spinning in circles and let me fall asleep.
But eventually, in order to feel like someone/something cared about me, I got a dog! He was soooo freakin cute too! I got him when I went home to SC for a bit during summer after sophomore year. Brought him back to DC a week after getting him and he ended up getting REALLY sick....so of course that sent me for a spiral because then i felt helpless. took him to the vet, he had a bronchial infection, so we spent the next week or so steaming it up in my bathroom at least 4 times a day. I would sit there, run my shower as hot as possible, and hold him up so he could breath in all the steam. It was either this or spending a shit load of money that I frankly didn't have. But, Mason became my baby. Looking at it now, it probably wasn't the best decision seeing that I didn't have money, would travel for vball, and could barely take care of myself.
But I managed. There were times that I had to take him to stay with someone while I was away, or had to take him to Nicks stepdads house in NC so he could stay there for the summer after junior year. But he's still my baby, and a happy spoiled boy at 7 years old.
Speaking of money...that's another BAAADDDD thing with Bipolar. You tend to spend money on unecessary things just because you feel as though you're obtaining something for yourself that at that moment makes you happy. Then it just turns into junk cause you didn't need it anyhow. And since I walked outta my job, my mom basically begged me not to work anymore so i could just focus on school. Needless to say, my parents weren't fans of the dog thing, but I fought for it hard because i was convinced he would be my friend that would never walk away or that I could never let down.
So, by the end of first semester junior year, i was done with everything and everybody. I needed something new. This happens often because if i felt like things were going downhill with something, I'd leave it and start something new so that I felt like I was accomplishing something again. That's why school was so hard, I felt like I was in a deep pit and just couldn't get out. So, I joined a volunteer fire department. Yes, very random. I've always thought it was cool, but never really expected to do anything like that. But there was a volunteer firehouse about 10 minutes into MD that I would pass when I would run errands...so one day, I walked up and knocked on the back door and asked if I could join.
Ok, to be cont again...

Maybe this can help with my new priorities, new perspective, and constant battle of settling my mind...

So, I'm gonna try this out. Maybe it will take all the thoughts that race through my head and help me settle a bit. I doubt I will be able to get it all in tonight, but there's no better time to start than now cause i can't sleep.

I'm Bipolar. After everything I've gone through, and all the doctors and therapists visits, this is what I have been able to figure out.....
I had random moments of breakdowns, anger, fights, depression, etc starting when I was in high school. Nothing was ever thought of them because it wasn't a constant issue or anything that raised an eyebrow of concern. I went to college, started feeling more depressed and having the angry moments more often. I was very dependent upon my parents and my boyfriend at the time. It was good to have freedom, but I always felt like I had to have someone else. My parents were def always there, but my boyfriend eventually couldn't handle it anymore. During this entire time, there was never any thought of my actions being a "disorder". It was just thought to be the tough times of growing up and dealing with the real world. By the end of Sophomore year, it was just down right bad. I would get angry at someone for almost no reason at all, I would stay in bed just because I felt like there was no reason to get out, I would yell at anyone for anything, I was just plain angry and unhappy with life. During Xmas vacation I got in severe fights with my family and this led them to begging me to go see a therapist. And finally, because I just didn't know why I was getting so upset all the time, I went to see someone. Nothing was really determined then, except that I def needed to continue therapy. I went back to school and started going to the counseling center on campus. After only a few sessions with grad student therapists, and then one session with an actual Psychologist, I was diagnosed Bipolar. I didn't really know how to take it at the time because I was basically trying to unnderstand that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that caused me to have very high highs and very low lows and that it wasn't an easy fix. During this time I had a job at a bar, and I loved it, but then things started to get aggitating and eventually so overwhelming that I just walked out one night. I was in school for architecture, my grades weren't great, but I loved the work I had to do...my problem was motivating myself to do it and not getting down on myself about stuff. I was also playing volleyball at the time, and that as well took a hit. I started gaining weight, pulling myself away from everyone and everything I knew because I didn't know what everyone thought about me and I figured if I didn't get out and associate with anyone then I didn't have to worry about getting hurt or upset about any BS stuff that went on.
Ok, this is gonna have to be continued. Not because I think I can finally get to sleep, but instead because I just can't concentrate to get it all out right now...so, to be cont....