just another day

so, i'm feeling better still. working out has helped a lot. my meds seem to be working themselves out now. so on that matter, things are good.

but i have a different post today. i realized how lonely i am sometimes. nick is always there for me and he couldn't be better about how he treats me and lets me know he loves me, but with the holidays coming up, i'm bummed. it's just gonna be another day for me. i have to work today, xmas eve, and nick has to work tomorrow but i don't. so he's gonna be at work and there's no where i can really go and feel comfortable. i don't get to go home to my fam cause i just can't afford it right now, kt went home so i can't just hang with her (i would have gone with her, but i had 2 work the past 2 days, so i couldn't leave when she was leaving). nicks fam is in NC, so i can't spend time with them. i have friends up here that have offered for me to go to their house, but it's 2 hours away. i don't want to do that cause i don't want to leave nick by himself when he gets home from work. i was thinking about going to his station and just hanging out there, but i feel like it would be awkward - the only family member/wife that is gonna go sit at her husbands fire station on xmas cause she has no where else to go - lame. i was thinking about riding at 34, but i'm not sure about that either. i started crying the other night when nick and i started talking about it - i never thought i would say i don't have anywhere to go on xmas, at lease anywhere that i would feel comfortable. i don't want to impose on other peoples xmas either. i did it one year when nick had to work 24hours, so i asked my old roommate if i could go with her to her fams xmas - awkward. i was thinking about biting the bullet and finding a way to pay for a plane/train/bus ticket just to go home, but i don't want to leave nick and i just don't have the money. i don't feel like driving down there would be great for me either cause i've been super tired lately and it would take prob 8 stops to sleep just to make it down there, and then i have to turn back around on wed to come back.

and, we're not doing anything for new years either. nick has to work the next day, and regardless what we do we wouldn't be able to just go somewhere and stay there cause we would have to come back and take care of the dogs. and i don't want to be out driving around cause of the stupid people that drink and drive. so, again, just another day.

and i am not saying that i won't enjoy the time with nick when he is home, just that xmas morning/day, i will just be sitting there knowing that so many people will be having a great time with fam and friends. i was thinking maybe i'll go to a shelter and volunteer or something. just to keep my mind off of what i won't have and know that i'm at least doing something to make other people have a little bit merrier xmas.

feelin better

so, i'm finally feeling better - but consistently. so in about a week or 2 i should be good to go cause i just went up a little on my lamictal again, so it should put me on a fun cloud nine kinda. and i'm soooooo looking forward to my 10 days off! so i think it should be a good end of the year.
hopefully i can start the new year with a whole new outlook. it's all starting to work itself out...thank goodness!

who's annoying now....?

so, i figured out my retaliation for the annoyance i receive from the lovely people that surround me every day....I am playing Christmas songs ALL DAY, REALLY LOUD, and sparatically singing along as well....

who's the annoying one now? most likely me, and I LOVE IT!

i'll leave you with this....and don't be mad if you think about it for a really long time, and sing it over and over again in your head...
Haaappppyyyy hhhooollliiiddaaayysss, happy hooolliiiddaayyysss....haaaappppyy hoooollliiidddaaayyyyss

you're welcome

not quite as fast as i hoped

so, first of all, update on the incident from Friday. i find it quite funny that this guy is so willing to throw shit in my face, blame me for things, and act like he doesn't need me for anything...but then yesterday, he conveniently started suckin up to me because he needed me to help him find out some information that the area engineer needed. up until yesterday afternoon, he didn't speak to me, look at me, or even act like i was there...as soon as the engineer called me for info, and then asked him for stuff too, he all of a sudden turned into my buddy because he couldn't get any of his answers without me getting everything for him....hmmmm, don't burn your bridges buddy, cause when you try to talk yourself up and show off to everyone as if you do EVERYTHING on this job and as if you are severely crucial to this job working out, just remember, you can't look that good without my help...but that's ok, i'll let you take the credit, because i think your ego apparently needs it more than i do.

ANYHOW, this working out and losing weigth thing....ugh. i hurt, every day, i'm tired and i'm sorta getting frustrated. i'm realizing that the weight isn't just going to fall off like it did when i first lost a bunch of weight. i know when i initially started everything, a big part of losing that weight was just the fact that i drastically changed my lifestyle from doing nothing and eating anything to working out constantly and paying attention to healthy foods and intake. but now, it's very frustrating. it might just be in my head, because i'm not gaining weight, and my clothes are still falling off me, but i guess i'm just getting impatient because i feel like i have so far to go and i'm already feeling like i'm hitting a road block. and recently, i've not gotten great sleep either...not really sure why cause i'm taking melatonine to help me out, but it could be because i'm getting stuffy and nick likes to crank the heater in the bedroom. so i end up waking up cause i can't breath through my nose or because i feel like i'm suffocating in the heat. but it's obvious that it effects how i feel the next day cause if i don't get a good nights sleep then i typically become a bitch and have a headache that feels like someone is taking a suction cup to the back of my eyes.

but anyhow, i'm feeling better in the sense of moods going up and down. i have my moments, but it's getting better.

can i get your opinion on something...?

so, the guy i work with that stares out the window all day...i basically got in a fight with him today. but i want your opinion on what you would have done or if you think it was right or wrong of me to do what i did....

i take care of the files here at the bridge. i deal with claims work all the time, so i know how important project files are. however, i can't claim to be the most organized or the most on top of filing everything just cause it's a lot of shit and it's hard to take a set of files that were f'd up when i got them from the previous office manager - fix them - and then keep up with them when i'm also working on other stuff and trying to keep up with the day to day data entry, etc.
so, i have all the files set up for the most part, but there are some piles that i have - which i know what they are - but they just haven't had folders made yet or haven't been put into their appropriate folders. anyhow, this guy, who does nothing all day, actually offered to help me with some of those files...so i gladly took him up on the offer because i would get more gratification outta knowing he's actually doing something rather than saying no just cause i knew there would be some sort of problem that he came up with.

so, the later ended up coming back and biting me in the ass. the files i gave him were his work product, he then gave them to me to file away. i simply asked him to seperate them by topic and that i would make folders for them. now, i need to note that these documents were in the EXACT form that i received them. there was ONE time that i had to make copies of all the ones i had in that file, but i made EXACT copies (ie, if they were stapled, then i stapled the old set back together and made sure to staple the new set, etc). well, he was going through them and came to me today and claimed that there was a bunch of documents missing. so my response to him was "well, they are the exact same way that i received them, and that's all i have of that type of document, so i don't know what would have happened to them. everything that's there is everything i've received". so, he then gets in a hissy about it saying that there's no way that he didn't put all the info in there and that it all had to have gone missing after it got to my office, etc. Mind you, this is the guy that i said ALWAYS complains about everything! so of course he started making this into a HUGE issue. My simple thought was, well i had all the documents that i was given, other than that i don't know what to tell you. he then decided to state "well, i'm not the one that has to answer to where they are".

i don't know about you, but i think it's fair to say you would probably have the same reaction that i had of "so, you're saying that i'm at fault, and i lost them or threw them away?". i didn't say that to him - yet - but i just told him he didn't need to get all bent out of shape about it. i then went and got the copies that i had made of these files, and i made them about 8 or 9 months ago, so i knew they were of exactly what i had received and how i received them. i showed him the comparison of the 2 sets and explained to him that what he saw was exactly how they were about 8 months ago when i had to make the copy, and that's all there was, no more, no less. he kept saying "well, they have to be somewhere, or someone threw them out". again, i can only take this as "well, you have to have put them somewhere else or you threw them out".

so this is where i stopped him before he got to the point of where i knew he was going. i just looked at him and told him that i wasn't about to let him sit there and try to make it seemed like I lost those documents. i have worked with claims ever since i have been at my job and know that the MOST important thing on a project is the documents...so the LAST thing i would do is get rid of them! and i knew they weren't anywhere else because i had seperated all the different files and had them either in their proper folders or in a certain pile to go in a certain folder.

well, as soon as i said that to him he got all fired up and shoved all my stuff back at me and said that he wasn't helping me anymore and that i could take care of my own stuff from now on. he got all pissy, and was saying that i was putting words in his mouth cause he never said that. i said that i didn't say he said that - i was simply stopping him from even thinking about trying to say that. see, i had already let my boss here know that he had told me stuff was missing and that i had no idea what he was talking about. my boss even ended up telling him that he never remembered seeing any of the stuff that he was talking about, so i know i'm not going crazy. so, i wasn't about to let him go around and basically telling everyone that i don't know what the F i'm doing - cause i know that's exactly what he would do. i've been here too long and listened to his mouth too many times to not believe that he will try to badmouth any person he possibly can, and make it seem like it's all someone elses fault.

so, he was fired up, which then got me fired up, and i just went and told him that i did appreciate that he was helping, but that i wasn't going to let him make it seem like i messed something up when i never even got the documents. he still said that i was putting words in his mouth. and then he said "you should know me by now, i wouldn't assume that"....HAHAHAHA. EXACTLY, i do know you by now and i know you're FULL OF SHIT! so my response to him was " i know how you make assumptions about everyone, and i'm not going to let you do it to me". he then stated "well i'm glad you're so smart. maybe if i was that smart then i could come work at OCL with you and all the other smart people there". i laughed and was like, i don't think i'm smart, i'm just stating the truth.

by that time, i felt like i was fighting with a 5 year old. he was always right and didn't do anything wrong and he was the victim. so he told me that he was done with the conversation and didn't want to talk about it anymore. i said fine, walked over to my boss and told him where i stood with the situation and that i didn't really know what he wanted me to do because he knew that this guy always bullshitted about everything. to no surprise, he agreed, and then proceeded to tell the guy to stay out of anything that i was dealing with and to just drop it.

i hate working here. it makes me miserable. and if there's anything that's worse than being miserable every day - it's to be miserable and having someone trying to throw you under the bus for something you didn't do - and that was probably a fault of his own....

so, should i have kept my mouth shut? cause i know it's hard for me to do that in general, but i don't feel like i am outta line when it comes to standing up for myself and my integrity.

yesterdays workout

so yesterday was supposed to be 1/2 mile run and 21 power cleans x 3. I ended up doing 1/4 mile run, 1/4 mile row, and 21 power cleans at 45lbs x 3. Did it all in 25min 50 sec. I hurt today. it felt good to finish, but it def made me feel lack of endurance on my run.

today is supposed to be row 1/2 mile, then do 3 sets of 15-12-9 of GHD situps and back extensions. oh boy sore abs and back tomorrow...can't wait!

it's like a shiny ball

so, i feel a little bit better this morning. not sure if it was the good sleep last night, the workout yesterday afternoon, or a combination of both. or maybe it's just my meds starting to work out again, not sure. but it's good to feel better.
so, this crossfit thing i started yesterday - i think it's like a shiny ball - it might actually keep my attention and make me want to come back as often as possible to find out what's next. you never do the same thing, and it's stuff you would regularly do in a workout, and some that you wouldn't - it's just the way they put it together and how fast it goes that makes it interesting. yesterday was my first day and the workout was to do right and left arm thrusters (using a weight in the right/left hand, elbow bent straight in front, squat down then burst up and extend your arm straight up, then start right back down into a squat again and repeat) and 1 arm pullups for reps of 15-12-9. the thrusters were supposed to be at 55lbs, but since it was my first day they scaled me back to 15lbs and then doing jump pulls (you hang like you do for a pullup, do a little swing, then when you're about to pullup you give yourself a little push/jump off the floor, but do most of it with your arms). so, ultimately it was 15 right arm thrusters, 15 left arm thrusters, 15 jump pulls - then repeat for a set of 12, then a set of 9. i did it all in 7min 30 sec. I think they were suprised that I could do that well and have the right form the entire time. the guy said i nailed it and cranked it out, and that i was alot more ready for this than he expected. i may still look outta shape, but i know i'm pretty strong, and the way they set this stuff up it's as if it's somewhat a competition, so it's makes me just go. granted, the huge guys that were in there were cranking out at 45lbs and actually doing the one arm pullups, but i felt good that i could do what i did, the right way, and as fast as i did it. i was already sore and walking funny about 15 min after i finished. i'm sore today, but not to the point of not being able to function, so i'm going back this afternoon and it's supposed to be a workout of 3 rounds of 1/2 mile run and 21 reps of 155lb power cleans...i know they will scale back the weight on power cleans, but that means i have to run 1.5 miles today...blah.
so we'll see how it goes, but i think this might def be my new workout, and i think it will help me lose weight and gain muscle faster than before because of the intensity.

i just don't wannnaaaaa

so, i'm getting in a depressed mode. i'm super tired cause i can't sleep well at all. i'm getting emotional again, mostly because i feel like i'm starting to fail at everything I've been working hard for. i haven't worked out in about 2 weeks. i'm not gaining weight, but i'm getting "jiggly" again.
i just have NO motivation. i don't even want to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to deal with anybody or anything. basically i feel like i hate every aspect of my life. i have my moments of feeling good, but my lack of motivation and emotional state def overwhelmes the good feelings.
i have made an effort to try and find some simple workout stuff to make a little "gym area" in the basement. i found some gym floor mats, weight bars and weights, and steppers on craigslist. i haven't set it up yet, but i'm hoping once i do it might help me at least get something in during the day. if i don't feel like i can make it to the gym, then i'm hoping i can at least roll outta bed and make it downstairs.
i'm actually starting a new workout at crossfit, the place that nick goes. it's really intense workouts, but i'm thinking it might keep me interested because it's on the verge of somewhat crazy intense. hopefully it might help get some frustration out and make me feel like i accomplished a lot in a little bit of time.
i need to stop comfort eating, been doing it alot lately. i just don't feel like doing ANYTHING right now, and it makes me even more depressed because i feel like i can't overcome it.
we'll see how things go, hopefully it will turn around soon.

hangin in there

so, i'm hangin in there. concentration is typically out the windo by around 1pm. then i get aggitated. i've had rediculous headaches, but i'm not sure if it's from not having a certain dose of meds, or if i'm getting a sinus infection...don't know.

but, that's all i'm gonna update, cause honestly i just don't feel like giving a long post. i'm in a blah mood, so you get a blah post.

new day

it's a new day, and i'm feeling better...not really sure why, but i hope it keeps going. i actually feel a little manicy, so that might be why - i always feel like i'm on cloud nine when i'm manicy.

but, i'm just gonna look past the severe breakdown i had yesterday, during which i put a hole in a cookie sheet that was on the counter because i beat it so hard with another pan...just call me superwoman, but for not too great a reason. oh well, i have 2 more...those are safe for now.

very aggitated

so, i hate everyone and everything right now. people just erk me. dumb comments erk me. everything erks me.

i'm def at the "don't fuck with me" stage. i don't want to do anything, I want to just stay home and stay away from everyone. i'm starting to hate my job again. i'm losing motivation to work out because i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. i'm getting overwhelmed and paranoid that i'm always doing something wrong and i'm being judged. ugh, i hate this feeling.

i've been away from the trailer for the last 3 working days...but they didn't let me down, i'm already pissed. looked through all my stuff again, they're taking everything in my office. i now have now paper, i'm missing half my binders, all the coffee stuff (even the stuff i hid from them) is now gone. i was told to buy that stuff in case my boss came and he wanted coffee...guess i'm in the shitter if he comes here cause i don't feel like it's my responsiblity to pay for shit that they're taking, cause they're taking it from all the places i'm hiding it. so it erks me even more because they're going out of their way to look for what i have and take it...i really want to put a huge sign up that says "stop taking all of my fucking stuff! assholes". but i have a feeling i might get in trouble for that. AND, it's gotten so bad now that they even took a stirefoam (sp?) cup that i keep and use all the time. i leave it sitting at a certain spot on my desk cause i get water with it everyday - EVERYDAY....now it's gone - i HATE BEING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's gonna be tough to keep my cool from here on out...i have a feeling i just might get into a fight with someone....and right now, i don't really care if i do.

r u serious?!

sorry, i gotta write this...

so, they're singing now...and asking trivia questions to one another....old men singing, and asking trivia questions....

AND, the jackass that sits here just starring out the window all day asks them "don't you guys have anything better to do"....PRICELESS! i work around a bunch of idiots!

pardon me, but suck it...

so, that's my modo for now....anyone who asks how i'm doing, i tell them that i want to tell everyone they can suck it. and no, i don't have anything for them to suck, but the phrase just rolls off my tongue easily i guess.

all the little things are rrreeeeaaaalllllyyyy getting to me now. for instance, the 2 guys at wawa that are using only one monitor to order food, yet decide to stand in front of 2 of them, during lunchtime rush hour nontheless. and yes, to add to that, they were also old - so we had 2 old guys that didn't know how to work ONE of the monitors, and they were taking up 2 of them.....hey old man, MOVE IT! but, no, i didn't say that. i ended up waiting for the one at the end to open up and went down there, but yes i was cursing the fact that old people shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of any sort of computer operated machine.

and, so, it's been 2 days now i've been back at the trailer...with my door shut. it doesn't really help cause i can still hear THE laugh, and it seems that the air system just carries their stinch into my office anyhow.

i'm trying to be patient. i gave my doc an update and she said she wants me to come in to talk about stuff. and she uped my lamictal a little to try and help out a bit. the bad part though, i couldn't get an appt until next Wed...awesome...i should soooooo ready to go off about everything by then.

oh, and also, i have a big meeting for one of my projects on Mon...not looking forward to that ONE BIT! i'm gonna be surrounded by lawyers, geotechnical experts, financial experts, and construction experts...sweet, a bunch of men that will refuse to admit they are wrong, and who are experts at doing so. CANT WAIT!

me vs. the copier

so, it's really kickin in now. i've got the irriatability, the paranoia, the emotional reactions, loss of concentration, figgity, antsy, impatient....you name it, i am it.
the guys at the trailer are driving me crazy with all the little things, and when i'm in this type of mood i hate being around them because of the type of people they are. they're just rude and disrespectful - i guess i always let it go by just thinkin "well, they're construction guys", but now i feel like i want to fight back and tell them that i don't care what their career is, it still isn't right to be slobs and disgusting. needless to say, i'm now working with my office door shut - maybe it will muffle THE laugh and complaining, and hopefully provide a barrier for the stench that they seem to not be able to contain. unfortunately, i'm not able to put a toilet in here too...well, i guess i could, but it would be unsanitary, and i will pass on using a bucket.
but, yeah, i know it's all coming down on me now cause i'm to the point that whenver someone that knows about the situation asks how i'm doing i start crying again. i feel so stupid when i do, but i just can't control it. i really don't know why i cry - i think it's partly because i hate feeling like that and i'm just not able to consciously control my emotions.
yesterday i was at my main office, so thankfully the day went by faster, but the antsyness and figgityness didn't go away. by the end of the day i was about to get in a fight with the copier. we weren't on the same page, literally. i tried to print something on ledger size paper, i went over to get it and it said insert 7 1/4 x 10 1/2 paper....what? i didn't ask for a moron size, i just wanted ledger. so then i sent it on executive size. went over to get it...again, insert 7 1/4 x 10 1/2 paper. ok copier, why is it that i ask for 2 simple size prints, that i know the paper is in there for, and you suddenly ask for paper in a size that doesn't exist...really, do you think this is funny?! and of course it happened at the end of the day when i was at my whits end, trying to get something important printed out for my boss, and i had to leave right that minute in order to get home and make it to the gym on time for training. so finally i told our IT guy that he should either call the mechanic guy to come fix the copier because i was about to get in a fight with it, or he could come and tell it to stop being stupid. he went with the latter and the copier complied.
but, luckily i still go to my workouts regularly, and that typically helps me get some frustration out. my trainer has even said she can tell that i come in all tense, but that i seem so much more relaxed when i leave. i think that's true. but unfortunately, it looks like i'm gonna have to start working out on my own, cause the schedule my trainer is giving me is so random and back and forth with times of the day, that i wouldn't be able to stay sane...i hate not having a fixed schedule at the same time each day for stuff like that. cause then i feel like i'm running around and all crazy trying to remember which day is what time, etc. so i am just gonna work out bymyself for 2 days, 2 days with her, 1 day for the random thing on sat, and then wed and sun off. all of it will be at 5:30 am, so it's a good jump start in the morning and it's consistent. i just hope as i'm getting more and more bothered, and then when i possibly get into my depressed feeling, that i can motivate myself to make sure i go, and to also get a decent workout.
so, here i am, another day. gonna try my best to get stuff done and block out the BS. my boss told me yesterday that if i get antsy or aggrivated to just get up and take a car ride to get away from it. so i know he understands and that i won't be in trouble if i kinda start spacing out and need regular breaks. i'm also getting headaches still, so that doesn't help either. ugh...i'm just gonna keep pluggin along.

thank you

i'd like to thank sarah for joining my blog life...thank you. :)

ok...game over....

so, i posted the great post yesterday morning of feeling good....boy, i jumped the gun on that one. by the end of the day i was rather antsy and getting bothered by the little things. nothing too aggrivating yet, but still bothered. for instance, i wore shoes that i don't usually wear to work because i left my boots at Katie's....i was starting to go crazy cause the shoes were a little tight, especially with thicker socks on, and i couldn't take it anymore so i just went the day without wearing shoes. ok, so that i got bothered at, but i figured out a way to handle it - even though my toes got cold. another example - i am the only girl here at the trailers, so there are things i've just learned to deal with (especially because i have lived in a firehouse with a bunch of college aged guys). well, yesterday i started to get aggrivated. the farting, the pissing on the toilet seat - i can't stand it. every time i have to use the bathroom i have to wipe everything down - i mean really? is it that hard to aim a little stream of piss into that really big round bowl?! really?! and i can handle farting, again cause i've lived with so many guys, but there comes a point that when it starts to smell like an animal died, it's time to either make it to the bathroom or get out the lysol - and i'm lucky enough to be around old men that do neither. ugh...i had to open my window AND turn 2 fans on to try and keep the stinch out of my office. so again, i was bothered, but i found a way to handle it - even if it meant freezing my but off for the sake of fresh air and cleaning piss off the seat for the sake of a clean heiny (sp?). then, there's THE laugh - oh that dreaded laugh. a guy here laughs at everything, and yes they say laughter makes you live longer - he's gonna live a damn long life...but part of me wonders if he will have years deducted because of the annoyance. seriously, THE most annoying laugh ever, and it's like a broken record. if this blog had a way of playing audio, i would record it and post it so you could understand what i'm talking about. it's like a haha-hahahaha-hahahahahaha-hahhahahaha-hehehehehehe-hehehehe-heeeeeeeeeee. i don't really know how to put it into words, literally, because it doesn't do it justice. and this, i can do nothing about. the only option is to tell him to stop laughing, but that might seem weird, and i'm not that aggrivated yet. but it's def bothersome.
other than that, i've had my own things that bother me. i'm loosing my concentration and i can't seem to sit still in my chair while i stare and type away on the computer doing the same thing i do everyday. another thing is that i bring my lunch to work, and we don't really have an "eating area", so i sit at my desk and eat...i can't get away from it. so finally yesterday i left for the sake of sanity, and went to the grocery store and bought the stuff i needed for dinner. good thing i have a refrigerator in my office, otherwise it prob would have gone bad sitting in my car. dinner turned out to suck anyhow (tried a new recipe), but i didn't care.
luckily though, i got a good night sleep last night so i'm trying to use all of my concentration this morning for as long as i have it. i just had to pause and write this post because THE laugh was back and i wanted to press the mute button.
seems like it's game over for people being safe...

everyone is safe for now....

so, i'm officially a week into my med shift, and surprisingly i feel pretty decent. my main issue has been constant headaches, but i think it's cause of withdrawl. i had one so bad the other day i had to leave work early cause i was about to vomit i was so nausiated (sp?).
but other than that, my mood has been pretty decent. a little aggrivated here and there, but nothing too serious yet. but i'm just waiting...i know i shouldn't, but i am cause i know it's coming. luckily i have had the chance to warn everyone that i am in constant direct contact with just so they know not to take it personally.
so, for now, everyone is safe....but that's for now...there's no telling when the light switch will flick on though.

anxious is the word of the month

so, i officially already started the shift. i was way too impatient and anxious, so i decided "what the hell, what's three days difference?". i was getting so antsy about it that i couldn't sleep and it is all that has been on my mind. I'm anxious because i'm excited that it's gonna be over soon. i'm nervous cause i don't know if the reaction is going to be horrible or managable. i'm excited because this means that i'm on my way to being ready for the next step.
i don't think anyone understands the type of emotions that i have about this type of stuff. i know to most it's "just a change in meds", but this has been THE medicine that has kept me stable for almost 6 years now, the longest period of time i have been stable, and basically the majority of time I have had to deal with this. there's so much i think about when it comes to what this means and what might happen. i don't want to go through it because i hate how i feel when i do it. i don't want to go through it because i don't want everyone else to be dragged down with how i am during it. i don't want to go through it because i hate the feeling i get after the fact when i feel like i have to pick up all the pieces again. i don't want to go through it because i hate putting nick through all the crap that he has to deal with - during this type of thing is when we have some pretty heated discussions/fights just because i'm so irrational and stubborn. i don't want to go through it because i know my mom worries about every second of every day hoping she doesn't get a call from me breaking down and crying uncontrolably. i don't want to go through it because i get so paranoid about what other people think about me and i end up feeling like i'm all alone because no one understands.
but, then there's the other side. i want to do it to say that i have done my part to make sure everything goes well for my kid. i want to do it so i don't have to feel that way anymore. i want to do it because it finally lets me move on to the next step. i want to do it because i know when i stable out again i will feel so much better.
i've been thinking about something lately, and it could sound very bad, but i feel as though i kinda have a right to feel this way sometimes....i've been thinking that there are so many people out there that help fight against cancer, raise money to do anything they can to advance ways to beat it and make treatments quicker and more efficient. i am by no means downing those efforts because I too participate in that fight. but i sit back and wonder, why not do more trying to fight bipolar disease, pshyciatric issues, etc? unlike cancer, there is no "cure". it can't "go away", you can't beat it...all you can do is fight your hardest to maintain. yet, just like cancer, it could be fatal. the difference is that having this disease usually tends to make people choose to end their lives because they just can't take it anymore, or they end up dying after a long life and probably regret half of their life because of what they went through and how they acted based on something they really had no decision over. cancer, i know you don't really have a choice other than to fight it medically, but you have that better chance to survive because there's plenty of ways to beat it. I know there are people who do end up dying, especially those who don't get to live a long life, but they still have that chance. too many people die because of pshyciatric illnesses, and yes some may claim it is by choice, but at the same time it isn't. we didn't choose to have this. we didn't choose to deal with something for the rest of our lives regardless what we do to try and maintain it...you can try as hard as you want, but it doesn't go away, and you're lucky if you don't constantly have ups and downs just cause so many things could happen to change your balance. luckily i have come to understand and accept my issues and i do anything i can to maintain, and i consider myself a good person that has done everything i can to make my life better for myself and i have a huge support system to help me do so. i am lucky enough to have the money and insurance to take care of my issues, but what about the millions that don't. the millions of people that have cancer get all they need in technological advances and money to assist in treatments, and yes i understand there are still people that struggle, but it's like people are willing to help in that cause because theres a chance. for us, it's either maintain, go into a looney bin, or make it go away by taking your own life. i have chosen the first route, the more aggressive approach. i've luckily never had to go to a looney bin, and i unfortunately have in the past thought about taking my own life, but i do everything i can to maintain and stay away from it. please understand that i have noooooo intentions on either of the last 2, and i have had no feelings for the last one in quite some time (since i've been very stable). but i can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind.
so i think about how everyone reacts when someone gets cancer. i do feel horrible when i find it out, but lately i think "well, if i could only have people - whether i know them or not - understand and fight for me as much as they do for cancer victims". in a sense, sometimes i think "they have it easy" because they have the opportunity to beat it. i feel horrible for the ones that don't, and i by no means feel any frustration towards anyone about this, but i just hate that i am never going to be able to "beat" it. i, regardless what i do, have to maintain and accept that i will live with this no matter what.
i really do feel bad about having these feelings, but nontheless i have them and i just want to get it off my chest. i will continue to support the fight against cancer and any other medical illnesses that we can do anything to help cure/fight against/learn more about. i just wish i could "beat" this, because it would be a great feeling to know that it's gone and i don't always have to watch my back that something might happen to throw me off.
sorry for the downer. like i said, i have a lot of emotion and thoughts behind all this because it hasn't been an easy ride. and i'm scared that i'm about to hit a huge bump, or maybe a pothole in this case, and that it could be bad. i know i shouldn't think that way, but i just have all the feelings of the past episodes sitting in my mind and they aren't warm and fuzzy feelings.
we'll see how it goes.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! freedom!

Hot damn, it's a GREAT day! i finally got my tapering schedule from my doc....and it's gonna be a lot less time than i expected to do this shift. i thought it would be about a 2 month process....nope...just about a month. 9 days to rapidly taper, then I'm done....and i just have to get through the 2-3 weeks of reaction and adjustment - THEN I'M FREEEEEEE!! then i can move onto the next step! then i can think about being normal again, and not having to worry about the ups and downs! closing the door to the worry about the effects of the meds on a baby...granted, i know there are other natural life things that could happen, but i feel much better knowing that i have done my part to make sure whenever i get prego that the baby is as healthy as possible!
there is, however, the possibility that when i do get prego and the hormones start kicking in that i will start having ups and downs again - especially postpartum - but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I'm happy...extatic...and i think i can get through this shift better than usual because i will know that it's the last time. done. finito. bye bye. no more lithium.
so, starting nov 1st, i'm starting the process of closing the door to that chapter in my life in order to open the door to the next...it's gonna be rough, but it's worth it!

impatient

i don't know why, but I've found myself a little impatient lately. don't know if it's cause i'm nervous, anxious, bored....not sure.
i think it's a safe bet to say that's it's about all this med stuff and the thought of drastically changing it. i'm nervous cause i don't know how i'm going to react. i don't know if i'm going to totally lose it, or if i might have random moents here and there that i have to get through...but it's very unnerving to not know. i ended up asking my doc for just a general schedule of the tapering so that i can have an idea of the time frame regardless of when i start it. i'm thinking that i might actually start it at the beginning of Nov cause i know i will have guarunteed days off for the holidays, so that's potentially less days i would have to take off. also, it would be better for my mom, cause she said that she would come up here to help out nick in case it gets bad, cause i know he can only take some much of it. and another reason is cause i just want to get it over with.
i was going to put it off till after the winter, so that i could maybe get a seasonal job to earn some extra cash, just because. nick and i are doing well with paying off our debt, so i'm kinda scared about what type of setback we might have with me changing everything. if i have to take days without pay, it's a pretty decent hit, especially if they add up.
so, i'm impatiently waiting for my doc to send me the schedule. cause then i have to talk to my bosses about it so that they can be prepared in case i have to miss a lot of work. and to let my mom get prepared cause it might be a couple months of this crap. and also to get myself and nick prepared cause this could go well, or it could be hell...no way to tell.
i can say that luckily, so far, i have not had to be hospitalized, so i'm hoping i can keep it together enough to not worry about that. but there's part of me that does worry, because i know before i have had moments of feeling like i might need to go...but i end up just constantly taking some chill pills so i can just sleep through it.
i don't know...gotta just deal with the bad of it to get to the good of it...i think it's worth it, just really scared.

a little off topic

so, i consider myself a pretty decent person when i'm stable. and as of right now, i've been stable for about 3 weeks. so i'm ok, and i can tolerate most things pretty well....but do you ever have that aggrivating feeling that people are just REALLY bothering you. just because. i'm not angry at them, i'm not judging them, i just really wonder why people act the way they do.

you know, the guy that walks around with a strut thinkin he's a bad ass because he is now the project manager of a small job - congrats, it's a step in the righ direction, be proud of yourself, but get your head out your ass - you don't need to talk about the fact that they left a ladder up or moved the dumpster and you had to make them fix it like it was a huge happening on your project - trust me, there are going to be bigger and better things to be excited about on a project, and a mishap on the placement of the dumpster really shouldn't top your list of something to brag about.
the guy who thinks he knows everything about the job and what needs to be done just cause the project manager job asks him to do specific things - good for you, but it's your job, its not like he's asking you to do it cause yall are buddies, so quit acting towards everyone else like you are "THE man", because half the time he has to retrace your footsteps and fix it anyhow...he asks me to do stuff to, because i'm supposed to, but i would never consider his asking to be a "hey buddy, cause i like you why don't you do this for me" chummy chum chum.

and the guy that ALWAYS has something to complain about...and yes, i def have my moments of constant complaint, but I mean he takes it to a whole other level. this is also the guy that does NOTHING all day, but claims his job is so taxing....REALLY?! his day consists of listening to the police radio, writting down on his daily log EVERYTHING that happens (when lanes close/open, when people go out for work, when someone calls him and what they talk about, he might as well write down every time he takes a shit), reading email, complaining about said emails, writing responses to emails, showing everyone what his response to the emails was, talking about said email for a good 20 minutes, logging that he wrote and email and who it went to, staring out the window at the maintenance guys who are cutting the lawn, complaining about said maintenance guys and their lawn cutting methods for about an hour, telling everyone he's gonna write ANOTHER letter to the editor about how construction signs in his area were incorrect (even though he failed his maintenance of traffic test), check his email, complain that someone changed their mind about working one day and now he actually has to change the schedule (which is his job anyhow), respond to said email with a nasty note stating that he needs to know sooner (even though it's a day to day option of when people are going to work), and then complain to everyone for approx 1-2 hours about how he has to update the schedule, and also talk about the response he sent back to them....and there's a lot of staring out the window at the traffic going by - ROUGH DAY HUH?!

so, is it just me? are there not people that just rub you the wrong way? i mean, yes, there are things that they do right and they are decent people that i get along with, but i just want to say "are you serious right now? cut the strut, the boss isn't your buddy, and if you shut up and just do the work then you could prob be outta here in 3 hours every day".

i don't know, maybe it's just me...and i know there are times people wonder about me too, and the fact that i'm bipolar doesn't always take responsibility for the way i act, but i really don't feel like i am THAT annoying.

now it's back to reality...sort of...

so, here's the deal. i accomplished my short term goal of busting my butt to get healthier and to finish the triathlon. i also started the steps toward getting of my lithium and raising my lamictal. the outcome: super psyched about being healthier and finishing a tri, but not so excited about the feelings from changing the meds.
every time i, or the moron doctors that give me stuff that counteracts my meds, change my meds i have had a reaction. typically not a good one either. so i sit here and contemplate what i want to do. when i first started all this change of meds due to the risk of heart defects in a child, i had no set time frame of when it needed to be done by, i was just gonna go with the flow. so my doctors, nick and myself decided to go little by little. dropping one, seeing how it goes, and if things start going downhill then we would raise the other med to counter balance. well, like stated in previous posts, there's a lag time between when i physically take/don't take a medication. so if i drop one it's about 2 weeks before i know if it's affecting me, then i can raise the other one at that point, but again there's another 2 weeks before it kicks in....now we're going on about a month of craziness.
so, i started thinking after this last episode, which was the first time i knowingly and willingly decided to change the lithium, i might need to take a different approach. the main thing that was different about this time than any others - I decided to put myself in that position, it wasn't because a doctor messed up and gave me something that would effect it. so i keep thinking to myself "how can i possibly put myself through this over and over again and not feel more guilt than anything else because i know i'm choosing to do it?" the entire time i was feeling crappy from the med shift it was as if i was having an outer body experience. i knew that the meds changed, so i payed attention to how i was feeling because i knew it was coming, when i finally hit the crappy feeling and started getting antsy and angry and impatient - i knew it was cause of the med change and that i shouldn't be acting like that but there's was nothing i could do to make it stop. all i could do was call my doc and she would tell me to increase the next med, so i would then think that i have 2 weeks of dealing with the fact that i know i shouldn't feel the way i do but that i was reacting totally different than who i really was.
that's when the guilt sets in. i think "sorry everyone for putting you through this, i chose to do it and all of yall now have to suffer right along with me. and right now, as i'm yelling at you, i know i'm doing it for no reason but i can't stop, so deal with it". then, once i start feeling better, i sit there and think about everything i had done or said that truely wasn't me, and i feel guilty about it all and have to pick up the pieces. after a while, you start to wonder if those who you continually and unintentionally hurt over and over again really even care if you're trying to fix things again. a lot of people don't know what's going on, so they tend to back away from even dealing with me, if i don't do it first. that's why i say when i'm feeling that way i just don't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone because i can do less damage that way.
so i had to start really pondering if i wanted to do the "take your time and do little by little" on the med change. that would mean that i could potentially spread it out over a year or two, and have about 5 or 6 different times that i would knowingly go into a funk stage because i would change my dose again. the process we were doing was drop by a little, wait a few weeks, raise the other a little, then balance out and wait a few weeks before starting again. so we were planning to take extra time in between each set to have some balanced time. but to me, that would just drive me insane because that would mean i couldn't go a long period of time feeling good because i would then just end up sending myself right back into the spiral.
that's when i started thinking, "damn it, i just want to do this and get it over with". and it's not because i want to rush to have a kid sooner, it's because i can't stand the thought of going up and down, up and down, up and down - and making everyone else be dragged out with the whole process also. so i talked to nick and my mom to get their opinion on taking a more drastic approach - let's go into this dropping my med as much as i can at a time, but lets not have the balancing time in between. i know i'm going to eventually feel like crap, so i would rather do it one more time, even if it may be a longer time than normal, but that way once i'm totally off it i can finally start to balance out the other med for good. so, medically speaking, i would still have to drop it in intervals because the level that i'm on now i can't just drop it all in one swoop because it effects my blood levels and could cause some problems. but, i can drop a little and wait a week or two, then drop more, wait, then drop more, etc. but it would be taking the drop, wait, balance out, wait, drop, wait, balance, wait etc. it would ultimately take the balancing out and the wait time out of it.
but taking this approach it will be very unknown how i will react because i have been on this med for over 5 years, and every time it has changed i have had a reaction. so i think about the fact that if i drop off of so much of it, will i have an even more serious spiral or will it be the same type of spiral but just longer? i told my doc it it does worry me a little bit, and that if it got too bad i would stop and go back to the other method. luckily she said that theres a possibility that i may not have a reaction or at least one not as severe because since i already started to reduce my level, the lithium has already been taken out of a therapuetic level and is now non thereapuetic. so basically, what my mind was used to is already changed so it might not have the drastic reaction like before. but honestly, with the way things have been for me, i have a feeling i would still have the spiral effect. but it is good to know there's a possibility to stay sane.
so, i talked with nick again, and he's on board. he says whatever i feel is better for me that he will support me, because he knows how i am when i go through this stuff but he doesn't fully understand the way it affects me because he's never been through it. so he said it's my choice on what i feel i can handle, and that no matter what he's confident that we can get through it. I LOVE HIM!
so now, it's just a matter of figuring out when to try and do it. from my understanding it will prob be a 2-3 month time frame to get it all done. and frankly, there is never a "good time" to do something like this, so it's kind of a toss up. but whenever we choose, my doc said she would send me a tapering schedule and we would just go from there. it's just a little scary cause it's going to effect soooo much for a longer period than i have ever had to deal with before. along with the issues of nick having to be there to help me, i also have to consider work in the picture too.
there have been several times that i have been messed up on my meds and it got me to the point that i just can't function - no point of even leaving the house, let alone think about working. half the time, if i did come into work, i would want to throw a book at every person that walked by my door - and for no reason really, just cause something about them would piss me off. or here's a good example - i was in my main office one day, and i started crying - wanna know why? because there was someone running off copies on the copier near me ALL DAY LONG! well, the damn copier made a squeaking noise EVERY time a piece of paper went through....i lost it! i couldn't take it! i asked someone else if it was bothering them and they said they didn't even realize it. imagine that. I of course on the other hand, heard it like it was a bullhorn in my ear - and it drove me INSANE! and i started crying because i couldn't deal with it. i know, dumb, right?!
so, needless to say work is an issue and i had to let me boss and manager know what i was going to be doing. they both know about my issues and my boss has always been SUPER supportive of whatever is going on with me, so he has never had any issues as long as i keep him in the loop as to how i feel and if it's going to effect work. my manager also knows about everything, but i don't think he handles it quite as well. i think it intemidates him a little because he always seems uneasy when i let him know that things are a little off for me or if there was something beothering me. a good example was in one of my previous posts about the guy that was messing with stuff on my desk and in my office. i don't think he realized that was a reaction to my meds, and at the time i wanted to rip someones head off, but now i couldn't care less. he just doesn't seem to be able to sway with me and my moods like my boss does. but anyhow, i talked to them about it yesterday and they were totally cool with it. there's obviously the understanding that even though i'm going to be going through this, there is still work to be done. so i need to let them know how when i'm gonna start, how i feel throughout the process, and if i feel as though my work is going to be effected at any time because of it. they asked how i would feel about staying at the bridge and doing my work there, or if i needed to go back and work at the office while i'm going through it, and i told them i felt as though maybe working in the office would be better because i would be more comfortable with the people around me. most of the people in my office know about what's going on in a general sense, but no one at the bridge has any clue and i would prefer not telling them anyhow. so my boss said that is something they can work out if it's needed and that they would try to make things as comfortable as possible in order to effect my work as little as possible. it's not necessarily that the stuff i do can't be done by anyone else, technically it can. but no one knows the stuff like i do and it would prob take a long time to get it figured out, so they said they just need me to really push through it the best i can to make sure that things are still taken care of - or at least be able to help someone else figure things out if necessary.
so, in all, i have the support from those that i need it from. it's just that i'm scared shitless about what could potentially happen. this would be the biggest med shift i've had ever since i finally got stable - about 6 years ago. there are going to people that i have to interact with that will have no idea about any of this, and it could potentially be a disaster. but i have to do it, for my sanity. i may have to go insane in order to get there, but i have to just get it done so i don't have to worry about how many times i will have to affect everyones lives for however long it would have taken the other way.
man, i want to be normal...i wish it wasn't this hard. i wish it only affected me and not everyone else. and i hope everything goes ok. as of right now, nick and i are thinking we might hold off until February so we can have a few months to prepare and get ready for it, and it would also be nice to at least have decent holidays instead of being the grinch.

correction

Looking at the race results, I was 401 out of 413...yeeessssss!!!! Everyone after me was above the age of 43, but I don't care.

And my time was 2 hours 46 min and 41 sec. I was hoping for less than 3 hours, so yippee!

some of us take our time to appreciate the moment...

soooooo....I FINISHED!!!! I was very slow, but darn it, I finished.

I have determined I won't do an ocean swim anymore, or at least till I'm in better shape. It wasn't horrible, but not being used to a wetsuit, when I would swim normal, I would tend to start floating really well with my legs but then my top half would be pushed further into the water - leading to involuntary swollowing of water and unappreciated gushes of it up my nose - it didn't taste too good, and didn't feel that great when I started gagging. And they ended up making us swim against the current, so it was very aggrivating when you would look up and think "I swear I have been swimming this entire time, but damn-it if I haven't gotten anywhere". But I took my time so I wouldn't get completely worn out. I realized the best progress I made was laying on my back doing a backstroke, so that's what I did most of the time. There was one point that I was basically doing a sprint, but it wasn't encouraged by my wanting to hurry up and get done, it was encouraged by my suddenly kicking something pretty solid and heavy...and it wasn't a person because no one was around me (I was at the back of the pack with all the stragglers). Needless to say my strokes turned into propeller (sp?) mode and started taking off...and the lifeguards started looking at me pretty funny because I'm sure it looked like I was panicing and flailing my arms everywhere. There were dolphins all around us the entire time, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't one of those either because they stayed on the outter side of everyone and didn't come thru the middle. Anyhow, the rest of the time I would just lie on my back and look at the clouds and the moon that was still out and think to myself "it's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day" over and over again, so I didn't think "what the hell am I doing, what the hell am I doing". So then I was finally around the last bouy and I got to the beach...then the transition was running through about 100 yards of all sand - very tiring - and then putting my sneakers on to do about a 1/4 mile run to the actual transition area - what a bummer, can this count as part of our 3 mile run PLEASE?!

So I got to the transition area, not many spectators were left, because like I said I was with the stragglers. But the ones that were there were very encouraging, and I was still running, so I figured I was doing pretty well.
Next up, the 15 mile bike. Rip the wetsuit off, clean the snad off my feet, throw some socks on, then the sneakers, put my helmet on, and we're off. Oh, wait a minute, on the way out it was a wave and a hello to all those who were now RETURNING from their 15 mile bike...awesome! But I still mounted up and took off. Well, I think it's best described as a nice little stroll through the town of Lewes DE. There were moments that I got some umph in me to do some good sprints, but other than that it was a "oh, that's a pretty house; aw look at the beautiful stream; wow, I'm all by myself, no one in front - behind - or beside of me; thank you Mr. police officer for helping to direct traffic so I don't get hit, and by the way, no worries because there aren't many people behind me - you will be off your feet soon". But, again, I took my time, doing what I knew I could do so my thighs wouldn't tighten up and that I could still function for the dreaded run. I eventually passed 2 people, they were old women, but I passed them...EAT MY DUST! So I'm on my way back in on the last stretch of the bike, and I knew this because it was the main road we started on...and there they were...bastards...the people who were passing me with their bikes on the back of their cars - WHAT?! You're done already?! AND you're already leaving?! So I thought "That's cool...I just took my time so I can take it all in, you people don't know how to appreciate the moment." So I got back to the transition area, and again there were few spectators but they were very encouraging still. I pulled up to my transition spot and it was very easy to find - it's that one open spot right there because everyone elses bikes are there already - but cool, thanks for making it easy to find guys, that helped! So, take the helmet off, strap the number belt on, and wait - I hear someone calling my name - it was Nick cheering me on. He had already finished everything, so he was waiting on me to get back...I love him, but I did have a moment of "thanks honey, now can I kick you cause I have another freakin 3 miles ahead of me". But I was off - with some very tight and tired legs.

So now the run....When I first left the transition area, there was a miracle waiting for me - AHHHHH, my first sip of water! yes, that's right, I forgot to fill my water bottle up that I had on my bike, so I had gone the entire time so far without a sip of water...it was quite refreshing. But this time there were a lot of spectators around - they were all by the food tent, because they were all done, so they were cheering me on - thanks guys! So I take off and I'm goooooiiinnnggg vvveeeerrrrryyyyy slllllooooowwwww. This is probably the first time in the entire thing that I said "what the hell am I doing?" But I kept going. Now, during the entire run, I came up with a system, which I felt was pretty efficient. I would set landmarks within sight distance of what I would run to, then when I got there I would decide which landmark I would walk to, then I got there and I found one that I would run to, etc etc. It worked pretty well actually, and sometimes I would get to where I was supposed to run to but I would say "nah, go a little further". And there it was, the 1 mile mark..."I hate you, you were supposed to be sooner" I thought. So I continued my method that I had set up and there was the 2 mile mark..."hey, not bad, you came sooner than I thought". And then I could hear the music of the finish area...I'm within a close enough distance, awesome. Eventually that music went away, and I got a little worried like "wow, did I take a wrong turn and go somewhere further away?" No, Later I found out it was just cause they were shutin everything down, and I thought "it's cool guys, I have the rocky song in my head, I don't need your music anyhow". So anyhow, I finally reach the turn that I knew was taking me back into the finish, about 1/4 mile left...and I said "JUST RUN!" So I listened to myself and I did, I just ran, like Forrest Gump - but maybe not quite as fast. THERE IT IS!!!! The finishe line, I see it, it's right there, I'm on the path that takes me to the finish line! And then, I almost started crying...partly because I was happy to be done, partly because I was proud of myself for finishing, and partly because I have the best husband and friend. He saw me and started running towards me, he got to me and said "let's go babe, you're almost there", and he started running with me. I thought "HOLD THE WATERWORKS, HOLD THE WATERWORKS...DON'T DO IT NOW BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE THE FINISH LINE WHEN YOU CROSS IT!". Again, there weren't a lot of people there anymore, but the ones who were there were very encouraging. I passed the finish line and it was like I couldn't stop running, I ran all the way to the end of the area to the people that give you water and I was like "oh, I guess I better stop, what the hell am I thinking, you just ran about 20 unnecessary yards - you over achiever, you".
So there, I was done! I finished! Alright, time to get my shit and get outta here. HA! I got to my stuff, and almost all of the stations where people had their stuff were already broken down and getting packed up. Whatever, I finished. I may have been 401 out of 408 - and the 7 after me could have potentially been the 2 old women I passed and 5 diasabled people (not knocking them, I just know there were some), but I finished!

In all, it was a great experience. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Do I plan to improve, Absolutely! And I appreciate all the support I have recieved from all of my friends and family! It helped more than you can imagine!

4 days...

so, 4 days till i get my butt kicked (at the triathlon). i know that's not how i should think about it, but unfortunately that IS how i'm thinking about it. I def didn't lose the other 10 lbs i was hoping for. my motivation has lacked lately, and i've been super exhausted. i'm getting a little nervous cause my trainer isn't able to do it with me now, so it's gonna be me, all by myself. yes, nick is still doing it, but he starts before i do and there's no way i'll catch up to him.
i feel strong, and i keep telling myself that i can do it, but then it's as if that thought gets over powered by "but what if i cant?". nick has told me, in the nicest way possible, that he would rather me not do it if i feel like i would quit in the middle of it. because he feels like me quitting in the middle of it would be alot worse on my mind than if i didn't do it at all. i understand where's he's coming from...i just don't think i'm willing to not try. but yes, if i do quit, i know i will be upset with myself.
i get excited when i think about actually participating, but it's when i start thinking about how my body will feel after working that hard (cause i know how it feels doing just normal things, let a alone a triathlon) that i start to question it.
i know that if i had someone right there doing it with me, then i would without a doubt be ok. but nick will only be there if we happen to cross paths, or when he's waiting on me to finish. it's just gonna be me and my mind through the entire thing...and i think we all know that my mind is not always very nice to me. luckily, i've balanced out recently, so i'm not super out of whack. but i also haven't been very uppity or "that's it - go gett'em" either.
so i'm just wondering what is going to happen....is it my mind or my body. my body is in better, but not great shape. my mind is in better, but not great shape. they always say it's your mind over your body at stuff like this...well, what do you do if your mind isn't quite sure what it wants to do and likes to take every detour possible, and also make about 50 uturns where uturns are not allowed? this should be interesting....

unbelievable

i don't understand. it's like a switch! i didn't really sleep well last night cause I still had a lot running through my mind, and i didn't take the meds to help me sleep cause i had workout at 5:30 this morning.....but i woke up at 4:30, just hopped outta bed, and it was like it was all ok again. things have happened that would have made me cry a week ago, but i don't care now. i had an awesome workout, although i was wanting to stop sooo many times because i was exhausted (doing regular training at 6:30 last night - legs by the way - and then doing bootcamp at 5:30 this morning - legs by the way - doesn't make for an easy turnover). but i didn't stop. i had to slow down a little, or drop weight, but i kept going. and to think that at bootcamp on Tuesday I wanted to tell my trainer that I didn't want to do it anymore, cause i felt so helpless and overwhelmed like i just couldn't keep up.
i still can't figure it out, but i def think it's a sign that the meds are kickin in THANK GOD! now, i would bet that from now until i lower my dose again will be glorious, no problems, just truckin along, pushin through. i just don't know how long it will be until i do that. i'm still going up on my lamictal, so i should be feeling even better in a week or two.
but, needless to say, i am proud of myself because even through all that mess i still lost weight. i've now lost 28 lbs as of this morning. i held steady for a couple weeks just cause i wasn't working out constantly, but i didn't gain weight. i have a feeling now that i'm feeling better and back on the regular workout routine, i'll prob drop 5-10 lbs before my triathlon. that's just based on how i was losing weight before - i averaged losing 3-4lbs per week, strictly because of working hard and eating right, and trust me i didn't starve myself, i ate PLENTY.i would love to be down to 210 when i do the tri, but we'll see. still worried about the run, though. not too good at running still.

gettin there...

it's not great yet, I still feel a little antsy, but I can tell I'm gettin there. Slowly but surely it's starting to balance out again, and now I'm left with the typical "fixing the broken pieces" damage that I did in my storm. happens every time. I get all worked up when I'm unbalanced, and then once i start feeling better its a "what the?" reaction to everything. this is what always makes me feel guilty, and it typically makes me want to just stay locked in my house for a while hoping that maybe the things that i thought were such a big deal and freaked out about and that were'nt an issue to anyone else might just blow over without discussion or mending necessary. but as i know from the past, i'm not so lucky....oh the joy.

it's official

yep, it's official that having messed with my meds to reduce the lithium, i am now on a rediculous manic swing....not good, very angry, antsy, irratable, impatient, and totally bothered i feel this way.
went to Johns Hopkins again for a follow up, def increased my other meds to try and help it out, but the worst part is I know it won't be better for about a week to 2 weeks cause it all has to settle in....

i hate this. i have to fight myself not to tell people exactly how i feel and to not get upset at every little thing....and everyone says just let it go, if they only knew how bad i wish those words were possible, oh how i wish. take something that another person would typically shrug a shoulder to and not even think about in 10 min - then multiply the aggrivation of it by 1000, and then stick it in one of the vicious hamster running things in my mind and sit back and watch me go insane.

Awesome...no, not really.

amazing...

it's amazing what calm sleeping can do for you. my doc told me to take my "chill pill" to help me sleep...and boy did it.
i felt so much better this weekend. my parents were in town too. it was in all a good weekend. I had to tell my mom i wasn't gonna move back home though. it went better than expected. i think i was more worried about it because i thought she would be disappointed, but she took it well and said that i had to do what i had to do. so it made me feel much better about everything.
in all, i feel pretty decent right now. it's def a better day.

perfect example

so, here's a perfect example for ya....i want to cry right now. just break down. the reason? well, the reason is because i feel bad that i had to ask if i could go to dinner with my mom, dad, sis, and her old roommates. i don't feel bad, nor am i upset, about them not inviting us - because they are coming to our house for a couple of days - but instead i feel bad because i feel like i am imposing on them. on my own fam! i am sitting here wondering if they are gonna be bothered. they're in town for a long weekend, don't get to see us often, and i feel like i'm imposing on them. and the thing about it is that i know it's stupid to feel this way and that they don't care one bit...but the emotions and thoughts going through my mind about it make me want to cry, and i don't know why. i hate this!

we're gonna go a little off track...

so, i know i haven't finished dishing out all the back up info that gets me up to this point...but i gotta do a detour.
I decided to start this blog in order to help with my feelings and kinda get things off my chest, and right now we need to do a little of that.
So, I am having a reaction to messing with my meds (long story short - but long story will eventually come in the back up info section - i'm changing my meds cause one of them has severe risks for heart defects in babies, so if i ever want to get prego it has to change). Anyhow, after lowering the dose on the one i need to get rid of about 3 weeks ago, I started to get antsy and manicy again. Of course like I typically do, I act like it's not a big deal and I try to work my way through it rather than suddenly freaking out and trying to up my other med that is supposed to balance it out. Well, finally realized it was out of my control when I had a breakdown last Thursday. It was because of a lot of reasons, but if I had to sit down and write it out, I honestly don't know what those reasons would be. That's the thing that sucks the most about this. I get so upset and fired up and antsy - but I don't know why, or it's a vicious circle that has to be ridden in order to try to figure it out. Some of it is because of work - but then I ask "is it because of work?" or "is it because i'm reacting differently to something that has to do with work" or "is my mind just making something seem like it's a problem and I'm really just blowing something out of proportion?"...and I can keep going. Typically I can have something happen, for instance a guy from my company that sat at my desk on the night time shift, he would move things or knock over sets of paperwork that I had purposfully put somewhere, change the heights of my chair, leave coffee rings on my desk, leave crumbs on my desk, etc. For the longest time I would just deal with it....but when my meds get messed with and I start getting tweaked easily, I can't handle it anymore. so in a very simple and not to cause attention way, I simply left a note on my desk telling him to find another place to sit. well, he decided to make it a big deal and call my manager - how old are we? really?!!! So, something that I was trying to handle as easy as possible became a huge mess of my boss finding out about it and being upset that we were acting immature and that he doesn't want us to seem in front of other people that we dont get along blah blah blah. So then we had to have a "we need to get along" meeting....and that was the end of it for me. I was also then told that it didn't matter what happened, what caused it, or how it was handled, we needed to forget about it and move on.....WHO MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do I need this lecture, and now why is the principle of the matter being ignored, and that principle being that this dumbass doesn't know how to respect someone elses space, and then gets pissed when he's asked not to enter it anymore. So I tried to let it go. Thank God for Nick, because when shit like this happens he's always the one that has to try and find a way to make things ok for me...and he's really good at it, but I know it's hard for him sometimes. Well, he helped me that afternoon....but that night and the next day - my mind just wasn't having it. I couldn't sleep cause my mind started racing, i had pressure in my chest and my heart was racing. eventually i did get to sleep, but i woke up with the same stuff going on. went to work trying to calm myself down and it didnt work - at all. total panic attack, not sure why. not sure if it was because of everything with work, not sure if it's cause the meds were finally out of my system and now my mind is a little outta control, not sure if i was just getting myself worked up, not sure if it was because the wind was blowing a certain way....i never know. all i do know is that i end up having an overwhelming rush of emotion come over me and the first time anything comes up with how i'm feeling, i start to cry...i called nick to tell him how i felt, and i busted out in tears, uncontrollable tears. he asks why i'm so upset, and i tell him i don't know, because i don't. then i get even more upset because i don't know why i'm upset. then i get even more upset because now me being upset and not knowing why is now effecting someone else, and they doin't know why i'm upset so they don't know how to help me.....do you see the vicious cycle? yeah, this calls for the chill pill. MUST GET HOME AND TAKE THE CHILL PILL. it all goes back to what i was saying in my other posts about if you're sleeping then you can't cause any problems or worry about anything. yep, the chill pill handles that. bad thing is, you can't bring it with you wherever you are because you take that thing, and you're out, no driving for you...just peaceful thoughtless sleep - ahhhhh, finally my mind at rest.
but here's the thing. that was last Thursday. i was a total mess. fri, sat, sun, mon were AWESOME days. nothing changed with my meds, still had the lower dose just like Thursday, but they were MEEEEEEEE days. Fri and mon i had off work, so i had a 4 day weekend. it was glorious...and it was because i took care of myself first...not worrying about anything else. just me, nick and the pups. i had my random moments with nick of "i wish i knew why i have to go through this", but he always makes me feel like it'll all work out and he'll be there to make sure of it.
tuesday, went back to work, BLAH. didn't want to be there. didn't care, didn't get excited about it one bit. i feel like it's because I'm figuring out i'm not working for ME, but instead i'm working for someone else to make money. i love the field i'm in, but when someone starts pulling bs on you and looking past you as a person and instead looking at you as a money maker - i don't care who you are, you lose respect in my book. It doesn't make me proud, and that's all i want to be - i want to be proud of what i do, regardless if i'm making money or cooking a meal. All i want is a sincere appreciation and i'll work like a mule for ya, but when that gets thrown out the window, as well as morals, respect, decensy, and taking responsibility for things - game over. so now i'm just gonna bide my time. i'm gonna be that regular employee, not the one that has gone above and beyond working 60+ hour weeks and working on 3, 4+ jobs at a time, and driving all over gods creation racking up 65000 miles on my 2 year old car.....i'm not doing it anymore.
And I don't want to cry over BS anymore. whatever the BS may be, half the time i obviously cant figure it out. but like today, i went to my workout this morning....i hate spinning, but that was part of it....i kept going because i wanted to reach the end and say good job because i didn't quit, but the entire time i was unhappy - and it wasn't even from being unhappy about spinning. i was just unhappy because i feel like i'm doing all of this to myself because i'm shifting meds around and now i feel horible and i'm swinging up and down, up and down. my trainer asked if i was ok and it was hard to just get out the words "i don't want to talk about it right now" with out breaking down and crying right there in the middle of spin class....and it's all because when i'm manic and start to think about things - I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING. and i get overwhelmed and feel like i don't have control. my mind has control, but I don't. actually, my mind doesn't have control....it's just that whatever it's doing is out of my conscious control. that's where the meds come in....and i'm messing with them, to make sure that any child i have is going to be ok...and i'm putting myself through hell over and over again, in hopes that i won't lose my mind all together in order to take care of that precious healthy child I hope to eventually have.
i hate the vicious cycle. i hate the racing mind. i hate feeling upset and not knowing why. BUT, i love all the thoughts i have about what makes me happy. having a family, volunteering, going kayaking, riding bikes with nick even though i'm not as good as him, going to the state fair, sitting on a porch and watching the sun go down overlooking a large piece of property that my dogs are going crazy on, giving old clothes to someone who needs them, helping my parents when they're older, camping, visiting old friends, taking care of kids or pets for friends....anything i can do to have an AAAHHHHH moment....i don't need a lot to make me happy. and i don't need all the BS that keeps getting in the way. i def don't need to be bipolar, but i'm doing the best i can....sometimes i just don't know what to do but cry.
after reading this, it might be evident that i'm on a manic swing because everything is all over the place and just constant rambling....welcome to my world.

here's a little more....

So, I left off with the part about pulling myself away from everyone. Technically, I wasn't JUST pulling myself away, I was destroying all relationships I had. I think I can honestly say it wasn't even really by choice. Instead it was by the way my mind was reacting to different situations and events. I ended up fighting with my sister all the time, and when I say fighting...I mean fighting. I can look back on it now and say it was basically verbal abuse and I would tear her apart for no apparent reason. Well, sometime I felt I had reason. Like how she would always comment about the stuff I wore, and she wouldn't just accept that I was a tomboy and didn't want to get all girlyed up like she did. I always have felt that I've been in her shadow, so when my mind wasn't right anyhow, I didn't need someone to keep telling me that I wasn't up to par. I even went over to my aunt and uncles house one time and found out from my cousin after i left that my aunt stated "she is never allowed to come over here again if she is dressed like that". Nice...I was wearing camo cargo shorts and a t-shirt - she made it seem like i was in fishnets and titty tassles. Well, with my mind the way it is, it's little stuff like that that kept telling me to just stay away and find reasons to avoid. My sister lived upstairs from me, but there were times when it wasn't volleyball season that I wouldn't see her for weeks at a time, and that was fine by me. I wouldn't really see many people. I would sleep. I was always depressed, sleeping was the best way not to worry about anything...that is, if my mind would stop spinning in circles and let me fall asleep.
But eventually, in order to feel like someone/something cared about me, I got a dog! He was soooo freakin cute too! I got him when I went home to SC for a bit during summer after sophomore year. Brought him back to DC a week after getting him and he ended up getting REALLY sick....so of course that sent me for a spiral because then i felt helpless. took him to the vet, he had a bronchial infection, so we spent the next week or so steaming it up in my bathroom at least 4 times a day. I would sit there, run my shower as hot as possible, and hold him up so he could breath in all the steam. It was either this or spending a shit load of money that I frankly didn't have. But, Mason became my baby. Looking at it now, it probably wasn't the best decision seeing that I didn't have money, would travel for vball, and could barely take care of myself.
But I managed. There were times that I had to take him to stay with someone while I was away, or had to take him to Nicks stepdads house in NC so he could stay there for the summer after junior year. But he's still my baby, and a happy spoiled boy at 7 years old.
Speaking of money...that's another BAAADDDD thing with Bipolar. You tend to spend money on unecessary things just because you feel as though you're obtaining something for yourself that at that moment makes you happy. Then it just turns into junk cause you didn't need it anyhow. And since I walked outta my job, my mom basically begged me not to work anymore so i could just focus on school. Needless to say, my parents weren't fans of the dog thing, but I fought for it hard because i was convinced he would be my friend that would never walk away or that I could never let down.
So, by the end of first semester junior year, i was done with everything and everybody. I needed something new. This happens often because if i felt like things were going downhill with something, I'd leave it and start something new so that I felt like I was accomplishing something again. That's why school was so hard, I felt like I was in a deep pit and just couldn't get out. So, I joined a volunteer fire department. Yes, very random. I've always thought it was cool, but never really expected to do anything like that. But there was a volunteer firehouse about 10 minutes into MD that I would pass when I would run errands...so one day, I walked up and knocked on the back door and asked if I could join.
Ok, to be cont again...

Maybe this can help with my new priorities, new perspective, and constant battle of settling my mind...

So, I'm gonna try this out. Maybe it will take all the thoughts that race through my head and help me settle a bit. I doubt I will be able to get it all in tonight, but there's no better time to start than now cause i can't sleep.

I'm Bipolar. After everything I've gone through, and all the doctors and therapists visits, this is what I have been able to figure out.....
I had random moments of breakdowns, anger, fights, depression, etc starting when I was in high school. Nothing was ever thought of them because it wasn't a constant issue or anything that raised an eyebrow of concern. I went to college, started feeling more depressed and having the angry moments more often. I was very dependent upon my parents and my boyfriend at the time. It was good to have freedom, but I always felt like I had to have someone else. My parents were def always there, but my boyfriend eventually couldn't handle it anymore. During this entire time, there was never any thought of my actions being a "disorder". It was just thought to be the tough times of growing up and dealing with the real world. By the end of Sophomore year, it was just down right bad. I would get angry at someone for almost no reason at all, I would stay in bed just because I felt like there was no reason to get out, I would yell at anyone for anything, I was just plain angry and unhappy with life. During Xmas vacation I got in severe fights with my family and this led them to begging me to go see a therapist. And finally, because I just didn't know why I was getting so upset all the time, I went to see someone. Nothing was really determined then, except that I def needed to continue therapy. I went back to school and started going to the counseling center on campus. After only a few sessions with grad student therapists, and then one session with an actual Psychologist, I was diagnosed Bipolar. I didn't really know how to take it at the time because I was basically trying to unnderstand that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that caused me to have very high highs and very low lows and that it wasn't an easy fix. During this time I had a job at a bar, and I loved it, but then things started to get aggitating and eventually so overwhelming that I just walked out one night. I was in school for architecture, my grades weren't great, but I loved the work I had to do...my problem was motivating myself to do it and not getting down on myself about stuff. I was also playing volleyball at the time, and that as well took a hit. I started gaining weight, pulling myself away from everyone and everything I knew because I didn't know what everyone thought about me and I figured if I didn't get out and associate with anyone then I didn't have to worry about getting hurt or upset about any BS stuff that went on.
Ok, this is gonna have to be continued. Not because I think I can finally get to sleep, but instead because I just can't concentrate to get it all out right now...so, to be cont....