so, yesterday was much better. the meds def helped. i would say that they didn't make me feel more calm, cause i wasn't manic...they just helped me relax cause i was tense about everything.
but nick came home and we talked a little more about everything. we're good. i told him i'm going to try to let things go and do my best to move in the right direction. i asked him what he wanted me to do to make things better, and his response was "keep trying. just keep trying, and if you start doing something that is bothering me, i'll let you know. but just keep trying". so, that's that. i just have to keep pushing through.
today has been better. i've been productive and i haven't felt tense at all.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
i screwed up.....
.....apparently. i didn't know i was doing it, but it apparently is my fault. well, technically it is my fault, but it was not done intentionally.
i went to my johns hopkins doctor yesterday to talk to her about everything thats been going on. i knew what the outcome was going to be...more meds. but she tried to make it seem like it wasn't a "step back" because they are temporary meds on an as needed basis. she gave me anti-anxiety stuff. my problem lately hasn't been a manic episode, it's actually been an depressive one - and it's not like most. so that's why i decided to go see her cause i was trying so hard to take care of it myself, but i clearly wasn't getting anywhere. nick asked me to go a few days ago, but i told him i didn't want to cause i knew it would mean more medicine - i just hoped that i could take care of it on my own - but i couldn't.
so, she gave me the prescription, i took it to get filled, but it was going to take too long to wait on it, so i just decided i would pick it up after work. went to work....and kept thinking about EVERYTHING. and this wasn't one of those times that things are racing through my head and i can't even focus on it. it was more of a slow motion pace and i would think about one thing, analyze it, and then move to the next. and i was thinking about EVERYTHING. i just feel like i've been working so hard to make things perfect and get everything taken care of, but i feel like i'm not getting anywhere.
- i try so hard at work, yet there doesn't seem to be a certain "point" that i'm getting to. i haven't gotten a raise in 3 years, yet they've told me i've done an amazing job on the jobs we've had in those 3 years, and i work like a mule with nothing but more expected from me. there's no "i did it" point for me.
- i've been working hard to lose weight and be healthy, but it seems to be at a standstill. i'm doing this so i can be healthy, and hopefully provide a healthy life for my kids whenever it is that i have them, but that just seems to keep getting pushed further and further away. so i don't feel like i'm any closer to that step in my life than i was way before i had even met nick.
- i've been trying so hard to get all my meds worked out and stable, but i keep getting pushed back into a dark pit, and i can't figure out why...or if i feel like i know why, i just don't know how to fix it. so i don't feel like i can get to an "i did it" moment with that either.
i just feel like i'm failing. or that any time i reach a point that i should be able to pat myself on the back and that i finally made it to the halfway mark, i then feel like i'm having to start the marathon all over again because the goal gets pushed even farther.
so, i just kept thinking. and we all know what happens when i just sit and think. so needless to say it went downhill pretty fast. i was thinking about the fact that nick and i are trying to make things perfect so that everything is taken care of. me fixing my meds, me losing weight, him getting off his meds, paying off the credit card, us fixing up the house to be able to sell it and move, us wanting to move and be settled in a more comfortable home before we have a kid, trying to figure out when we should have a kid...etc.etc.etc. so i just started getting upset because i felt like i can't say i'm anywhere close to accomplishing any of that. and then i kept asking myself "why does it all have to be perfect? there are so many people who don't have things "perfect", yet they figure out a way to make it. so why do we have to sit down and plan everything out and have things "just right" in order to take the next step?". i honestly feel like we have gone above and beyond what most people would even consider taking care of in order to make sure things are better for us down the road and for our kids, but i feel like there's no end in sight to that. as if what we try to do now is never enough. there's always gonna be something else, and if we try to make it all perfect that something else will never stop.
so, i got done with work and was heading to work out. i called nick just to try to get some of the stuff off my mind. well, i know things have been hard on him. he doesn't know what to do with me more than half the time. and i know when i've been on a spiral for a couple weeks that it is very straining on him....BUT, he is my shoulder. i don't have another Nick. i don't have another person that is my go to for anything and everything. there's no one else that has to deal with me 24/7 and that i HAVE to make decisions with. so when it comes to talking about stuff that i feel like we need to talk about together, i have to go to him. well, clearly yesterday was not the day to do that. i started telling him everything i was thinking. about how i feel like we're never going to get to a point where we feel like things are "right". and of course, i started crying. well, his response was "you need to chill the fuck out". that was NOT good. then he started getting mad at me for always being upset and thinking about these things. that was NOT good. so i told him that the last thing i need is for him to get upset with me when i need to just get things off my mind and let him know how i'm feeling. well, he didn't stop. and then he said "melissa, when you've been acting the way you've been acting the past couple of weeks...i don't want to have a kid with you". NOT GOOD. the first part of that sentence, i totally understand why he feels that way. but the second part is what i REALLY heard, especially feeling the way i was feeling. so i hung up. there was no way i could continue talking to him after he said something like that. even if he didn't mean it in a harsh way, it came accross as such and i couldn't handle talking to him because it just felt like someone had kicked me in my chest. so he would call me, and i would ignore it. i wasn't going to answer. i wasn't going to entertain that comment. i didn't even want to think about the fact that he made that comment...so i ignored it. he called and called, and i still ignored it. he texted me and said that if i didn't answer that he would leave work and come find me...i didn't believe him, i just thought that was his way of trying to get me to answer. so i still didn't answer. i made it to the gym and was able to text him to tell him that i just couldn't talk to him after hearing that. that our conversation would go no where but down, really fast. well, eventually i answered right before i was going into the gym. he was pissed. he said he had left work because he was worried about me doing something to myself. he thought i wasn't answering because something was wrong. that just pissed me off. yes, last week when i was at work and he called to check up on me, yes...i thought to myself that if i weren't here then i wouldn't have to worry about things. and yes, when i talked to him that night i told him that is what i thought when he called me. that i just feel like it would be easier. but i wouldn't act on it...i don't know why he really thought i would act on that. i thought he kept calling me just because he was being as stubborn as i was. that's why i didn't answer...not to make him think i was going to do something stupid.
well, i got home and we didn't talk. i took an hour long shower just to stay away from him. i gotout, took my meds, and when straight to bed at 7pm. still didn't talk to each other. i slept for about 2 hours. and then i just couldn't take it anymore. i went downstairs and just said "i don't know what else i'm supposed to do". well, he was pissed. more pissed than i've ever seen him. and that didn't help things cause now i felt bad that he took things the way he did. and it was my fault. i had no intentions of things turning out that way, but it was my fault because i am the way i am. i can't let things go. i can't just give him a chance to breath. he thinks i'm not happy with him, but that's not it. i'm very happy with him. i'm above and beyond happy with him. i just still have those things in life that i want, that i have ALWAYS wanted. he asked me if i thought having a kid was going to "fix things". that killed me. i told him i have not once ever made any sort of statement that could make him believe that my intentions of having a kid were to "fix things". i will never be "fixed". i will always have to fight, there's no getting around that. even for normal everyday people a kid is NOT a fix. they don't make you smile all the time, but it's more often than not, and the times they do are worth every second. i told him i've always wanted a kid because i feel like i have something inside of me that says i would be a good mother, a great mother. i have an urge that just tells me that is going to be one thing that i am meant for. i told him that my intentions were not to have a kid so i could play dressup and change daipers for fun. but it's because i've always felt like it's something i'm supposed to do. i have always looked out for everyone else, always been a mom to anyone around me...it's just in me. but, i guess recently i have started to question if i can handle it. can i really be a good mom if i have the issues i do? nick seems to constantly remind me of that. and i know he's scared. i'm scared as hell too. but it's a fight that i'm going to fight. it's something that i feel is 120% worth it. it's something that will make me happy because even when the kid cries all night, fusses all day, or smiles at me the right way, i can say it is a fight worth fighting. the other things that i've been fighting for, i haven't been fighting for it for me. work - i don't do that for me. i do it for the company. i don't LOVE it, it's just something i'm expected to do because that's how society makes it seem. losing weight - i do it for me, my future kids, and to some extent i don't do it for me. i don't do it for me in the sense that it's what your supposed to do because society makes it seem like you will never be good enough. but i do it for me and my future kid, and nick, in order to try and make things easier and better. but right now i feel like i'm failing at that.
i don't know....yesterday was just a mess. we didn't get anything accomplished with our talk last night. he just didn't want to talk. he was mad. i kept telling him i had no intentions of him taking things that way, but he did and i didn't know what to do to make him realize he didn't need to worry. he told me he couldn't forgive me for it...but i had no idea what i wasn't being forgiven for....because i couldn't talk to him anymore because i would just become more of a basket case? i think he was just mad that he thought what he did in the first place, and it scared him...and technically it is my fault because it's all because i am the way i am...even if i didn't mean for anything to happen.
so, i'm not all cheery today to say the least. he didn't really want to say anything to me this morning. that scares me. i texted him to ask if we were ok and to tell him that i was really trying to get things taken care of. he called and said we were fine, but it still scares me. i don't want him to hate me, or be mad at me. i don't mean to do the things i do, and i don't mean for him to worry the way he does. but i do know it's hard on him. i told him i'm gonna try to let things go, and not let them work me up anymore. but it's not an overnight thing. i've been working and fighting for over 7 years now. it's not easy. i will never be cured. i will always have it, and it can cause problems no matter how hard i try to stop it.
so, again, i ask myself "can i really handle being a mom?". i think i've started to question it a lot lately. and i think the thought of not being able to just tears me up. i know i have it in me, but for some reason "me" won't allow me to get to that point.
i went to my johns hopkins doctor yesterday to talk to her about everything thats been going on. i knew what the outcome was going to be...more meds. but she tried to make it seem like it wasn't a "step back" because they are temporary meds on an as needed basis. she gave me anti-anxiety stuff. my problem lately hasn't been a manic episode, it's actually been an depressive one - and it's not like most. so that's why i decided to go see her cause i was trying so hard to take care of it myself, but i clearly wasn't getting anywhere. nick asked me to go a few days ago, but i told him i didn't want to cause i knew it would mean more medicine - i just hoped that i could take care of it on my own - but i couldn't.
so, she gave me the prescription, i took it to get filled, but it was going to take too long to wait on it, so i just decided i would pick it up after work. went to work....and kept thinking about EVERYTHING. and this wasn't one of those times that things are racing through my head and i can't even focus on it. it was more of a slow motion pace and i would think about one thing, analyze it, and then move to the next. and i was thinking about EVERYTHING. i just feel like i've been working so hard to make things perfect and get everything taken care of, but i feel like i'm not getting anywhere.
- i try so hard at work, yet there doesn't seem to be a certain "point" that i'm getting to. i haven't gotten a raise in 3 years, yet they've told me i've done an amazing job on the jobs we've had in those 3 years, and i work like a mule with nothing but more expected from me. there's no "i did it" point for me.
- i've been working hard to lose weight and be healthy, but it seems to be at a standstill. i'm doing this so i can be healthy, and hopefully provide a healthy life for my kids whenever it is that i have them, but that just seems to keep getting pushed further and further away. so i don't feel like i'm any closer to that step in my life than i was way before i had even met nick.
- i've been trying so hard to get all my meds worked out and stable, but i keep getting pushed back into a dark pit, and i can't figure out why...or if i feel like i know why, i just don't know how to fix it. so i don't feel like i can get to an "i did it" moment with that either.
i just feel like i'm failing. or that any time i reach a point that i should be able to pat myself on the back and that i finally made it to the halfway mark, i then feel like i'm having to start the marathon all over again because the goal gets pushed even farther.
so, i just kept thinking. and we all know what happens when i just sit and think. so needless to say it went downhill pretty fast. i was thinking about the fact that nick and i are trying to make things perfect so that everything is taken care of. me fixing my meds, me losing weight, him getting off his meds, paying off the credit card, us fixing up the house to be able to sell it and move, us wanting to move and be settled in a more comfortable home before we have a kid, trying to figure out when we should have a kid...etc.etc.etc. so i just started getting upset because i felt like i can't say i'm anywhere close to accomplishing any of that. and then i kept asking myself "why does it all have to be perfect? there are so many people who don't have things "perfect", yet they figure out a way to make it. so why do we have to sit down and plan everything out and have things "just right" in order to take the next step?". i honestly feel like we have gone above and beyond what most people would even consider taking care of in order to make sure things are better for us down the road and for our kids, but i feel like there's no end in sight to that. as if what we try to do now is never enough. there's always gonna be something else, and if we try to make it all perfect that something else will never stop.
so, i got done with work and was heading to work out. i called nick just to try to get some of the stuff off my mind. well, i know things have been hard on him. he doesn't know what to do with me more than half the time. and i know when i've been on a spiral for a couple weeks that it is very straining on him....BUT, he is my shoulder. i don't have another Nick. i don't have another person that is my go to for anything and everything. there's no one else that has to deal with me 24/7 and that i HAVE to make decisions with. so when it comes to talking about stuff that i feel like we need to talk about together, i have to go to him. well, clearly yesterday was not the day to do that. i started telling him everything i was thinking. about how i feel like we're never going to get to a point where we feel like things are "right". and of course, i started crying. well, his response was "you need to chill the fuck out". that was NOT good. then he started getting mad at me for always being upset and thinking about these things. that was NOT good. so i told him that the last thing i need is for him to get upset with me when i need to just get things off my mind and let him know how i'm feeling. well, he didn't stop. and then he said "melissa, when you've been acting the way you've been acting the past couple of weeks...i don't want to have a kid with you". NOT GOOD. the first part of that sentence, i totally understand why he feels that way. but the second part is what i REALLY heard, especially feeling the way i was feeling. so i hung up. there was no way i could continue talking to him after he said something like that. even if he didn't mean it in a harsh way, it came accross as such and i couldn't handle talking to him because it just felt like someone had kicked me in my chest. so he would call me, and i would ignore it. i wasn't going to answer. i wasn't going to entertain that comment. i didn't even want to think about the fact that he made that comment...so i ignored it. he called and called, and i still ignored it. he texted me and said that if i didn't answer that he would leave work and come find me...i didn't believe him, i just thought that was his way of trying to get me to answer. so i still didn't answer. i made it to the gym and was able to text him to tell him that i just couldn't talk to him after hearing that. that our conversation would go no where but down, really fast. well, eventually i answered right before i was going into the gym. he was pissed. he said he had left work because he was worried about me doing something to myself. he thought i wasn't answering because something was wrong. that just pissed me off. yes, last week when i was at work and he called to check up on me, yes...i thought to myself that if i weren't here then i wouldn't have to worry about things. and yes, when i talked to him that night i told him that is what i thought when he called me. that i just feel like it would be easier. but i wouldn't act on it...i don't know why he really thought i would act on that. i thought he kept calling me just because he was being as stubborn as i was. that's why i didn't answer...not to make him think i was going to do something stupid.
well, i got home and we didn't talk. i took an hour long shower just to stay away from him. i gotout, took my meds, and when straight to bed at 7pm. still didn't talk to each other. i slept for about 2 hours. and then i just couldn't take it anymore. i went downstairs and just said "i don't know what else i'm supposed to do". well, he was pissed. more pissed than i've ever seen him. and that didn't help things cause now i felt bad that he took things the way he did. and it was my fault. i had no intentions of things turning out that way, but it was my fault because i am the way i am. i can't let things go. i can't just give him a chance to breath. he thinks i'm not happy with him, but that's not it. i'm very happy with him. i'm above and beyond happy with him. i just still have those things in life that i want, that i have ALWAYS wanted. he asked me if i thought having a kid was going to "fix things". that killed me. i told him i have not once ever made any sort of statement that could make him believe that my intentions of having a kid were to "fix things". i will never be "fixed". i will always have to fight, there's no getting around that. even for normal everyday people a kid is NOT a fix. they don't make you smile all the time, but it's more often than not, and the times they do are worth every second. i told him i've always wanted a kid because i feel like i have something inside of me that says i would be a good mother, a great mother. i have an urge that just tells me that is going to be one thing that i am meant for. i told him that my intentions were not to have a kid so i could play dressup and change daipers for fun. but it's because i've always felt like it's something i'm supposed to do. i have always looked out for everyone else, always been a mom to anyone around me...it's just in me. but, i guess recently i have started to question if i can handle it. can i really be a good mom if i have the issues i do? nick seems to constantly remind me of that. and i know he's scared. i'm scared as hell too. but it's a fight that i'm going to fight. it's something that i feel is 120% worth it. it's something that will make me happy because even when the kid cries all night, fusses all day, or smiles at me the right way, i can say it is a fight worth fighting. the other things that i've been fighting for, i haven't been fighting for it for me. work - i don't do that for me. i do it for the company. i don't LOVE it, it's just something i'm expected to do because that's how society makes it seem. losing weight - i do it for me, my future kids, and to some extent i don't do it for me. i don't do it for me in the sense that it's what your supposed to do because society makes it seem like you will never be good enough. but i do it for me and my future kid, and nick, in order to try and make things easier and better. but right now i feel like i'm failing at that.
i don't know....yesterday was just a mess. we didn't get anything accomplished with our talk last night. he just didn't want to talk. he was mad. i kept telling him i had no intentions of him taking things that way, but he did and i didn't know what to do to make him realize he didn't need to worry. he told me he couldn't forgive me for it...but i had no idea what i wasn't being forgiven for....because i couldn't talk to him anymore because i would just become more of a basket case? i think he was just mad that he thought what he did in the first place, and it scared him...and technically it is my fault because it's all because i am the way i am...even if i didn't mean for anything to happen.
so, i'm not all cheery today to say the least. he didn't really want to say anything to me this morning. that scares me. i texted him to ask if we were ok and to tell him that i was really trying to get things taken care of. he called and said we were fine, but it still scares me. i don't want him to hate me, or be mad at me. i don't mean to do the things i do, and i don't mean for him to worry the way he does. but i do know it's hard on him. i told him i'm gonna try to let things go, and not let them work me up anymore. but it's not an overnight thing. i've been working and fighting for over 7 years now. it's not easy. i will never be cured. i will always have it, and it can cause problems no matter how hard i try to stop it.
so, again, i ask myself "can i really handle being a mom?". i think i've started to question it a lot lately. and i think the thought of not being able to just tears me up. i know i have it in me, but for some reason "me" won't allow me to get to that point.
Monday, February 22, 2010
the never ending post...continued
so i left off at the part where i basically hate life. and i do. i feel like no matter how hard i try, it always ends up with me crying.
so, as of the last part, i had gotten you from 2 weeks ago when the blizzards started, up to last tuesday after my shitty night on snow email watch. so, tuesday at work was no better. i didn't want to be there, i was fuming the entire time. i wanted to yell at everyone here because they were acting just like they always did, so with me being in the mood i was just made it worse. but i just kept to myself and got through 6 hours and went home. it was another night of crying and talking to nick, who again told me - in a very nasty and surrenduring way - to just quit cause he couldn't take it any more. so i cried even harder cause now it's causing problems between the 2 of us. i know he supports me in everything i do, and i know he thinks i'm great at my job - and he tells me that - but me being so miserable rubs on him and i know he feels helpless sometimes too. considering that he is my "go to guy" for everything, it makes me even more upset that now i'm deteriorating the one constant shoulder i have to lean on. and i know people will say "well you have plenty of friends that would be there to listen" etc, but it's not that easy. i know i have friends i can talk to, but i still feel guilty making them deal with me. just like i feel guilty knowing nick has to deal with me.
so the next day i ended up picking up a friend from work to go into the office. she is my work "go to person". i laid everything out for her and she said that i have every right feeling what i'm feeling and that if i sit down and really think about what i want and figure out that i just can not handle the pressure from work, then that's that - i need to do something to change it. so, it was a good talk, but i of course still had stuff running through my mind.
well, i had to go into our main office that day for the rescheduled meeting - that i didn't schedule to begin with, remember? so, the guy showed up and i helped him the best i could with what he needed. i then worked on ANOTHER job that i was asked to help with (i was asked prior to the blizzard to help with this job that they had dropped the ball on). so i was trying to get them caught up with that. then i got the email about the lawyers wanting to come and look at documents on fri...so i had no choice but to say yes, and spend yet again another day away from the bridge where there was plenty of stuff i needed to get caught up on.
so thursday was just another day of catching up on stuff at the bridge. i finally got to work out thursday afternoon - the blizzards and craziness of work kept me from working out, which totally threw off my routine. and then thursday night i cried again over the overwhelming feeling about the lawyers coming.
so i went into fri morning very flustered. did what i had to do to get them settled and showed them where everything was. my boss was there that day. i had to talk to him about some of the stuff the lawyers were asking about, and then he did it....he asked the question....."how are you doing?". my answer to him was "you are going to make me cry". i've stated in previous posts how i can talk to my boss very freely and tell him exactly whats on my mind. and while i had no intention of sitting him down and telling him how i feel, he asked the question and i just started pouring everything out - my thoughts and my tears. i told him i couldn't take it anymore. it was too much pressure and too overwhelming to be expected to be THE person to do this type of stuff. and that i used to live and breath this work, but i don't anymore because i've realized i have to take care of myself, etc, etc, etc. he was actually very open to everything i was saying and seemed to understand every bit of it. and when i said i told him everything on my mind, i did just that. about how i felt about my manager and how ever since i was put under him instead of dealing directly with my boss that i seemed to have more problems than not. i told him how i don't want to be the "fall back person" anymore. i was always the person they could count on if something needed to get done, i would always say yes....but i didn't want to be that person anymore. i told him i wanted to work on the projects i already had on my plate, work my 45 hours a week, and be done with it, because the rest is my time. i HAVE to do that. i have NEVER told them that before - i have NEVER told them no. so i finally told him that and he said "ok". he said he doesn't understand why i get so worked up and worried over everything because he has never heard a single complaint about me or the work i do. he said all he hears is compliments about everything i do, and that there is no reason for me to feel like i'm letting anyone down. but i told him that i felt that if i start saying no to doing all the extra stuff, then i will feel guilty for not helping out. and of course he told me not to worry about it, but come on, lets be real...i'm gonna worry no matter what. i told him i knew that the way i thought about things was what the main problem was, but it doesn't mean i can just change it. and that taking time for me and making sure i take care of myself is my way of trying to get control of feeling ok about everything. he said "ok". so, i walked away feeling much better than i did before, but i was still flustered just cause i hate having to even worry about dealing with this type of stuff. i know i'm very lucky to have a boss like i do though, cause lord knows i would have lost my job anywhere else if i talked to most people like i do him.
so, friday ended decently. i was just worked up in general, but i didn't cry anymore. it's monday and i actually haven't cried since - although i partially wanted to on saturday night. my good friend from home was in town and i went to meet up with her and her guy "friend". i feel totally comfortable talking to her, but it seemed kinda awkward when we were out to dinner. i just feel like things were a little overwhelming, but i chalk it up to having had a rough week and being a little frazzled about everything anyhow. needless to say, i slightly wanted to cry after we left cause i felt like things were just weird, but i didn't cause i just didn't have the energy to think or worry about it.
but i'm realizing that i might not be quite as stable as i thought. or maybe being thrown off my routine for a couple weeks just did me in, but needless to say, it wasn't good. i still feel crappy now, and i am still thinking about a lot of stuff. i'm jealous that nick has a job that he enjoys, i'm jealous that other people don't have to deal with the thought craziness that i have to - cause they don't understand, i'm jealous that people who shouldn't have kids do and mad that people who should can't, i'm angry cause i try to do everything i can to feel better yet i'm always miserable anyhow...i'm just bummed. i need to get to the next step. i need to move, rearrange work, find something else to keep me occupied, i want to have a kid - but clearly right now isn't the best time, and i wonder if there ever will be a good time, i just need a change and i need to look out for myself....but i need this mental crap to go away!
so, that's how i've been the past month...
so, as of the last part, i had gotten you from 2 weeks ago when the blizzards started, up to last tuesday after my shitty night on snow email watch. so, tuesday at work was no better. i didn't want to be there, i was fuming the entire time. i wanted to yell at everyone here because they were acting just like they always did, so with me being in the mood i was just made it worse. but i just kept to myself and got through 6 hours and went home. it was another night of crying and talking to nick, who again told me - in a very nasty and surrenduring way - to just quit cause he couldn't take it any more. so i cried even harder cause now it's causing problems between the 2 of us. i know he supports me in everything i do, and i know he thinks i'm great at my job - and he tells me that - but me being so miserable rubs on him and i know he feels helpless sometimes too. considering that he is my "go to guy" for everything, it makes me even more upset that now i'm deteriorating the one constant shoulder i have to lean on. and i know people will say "well you have plenty of friends that would be there to listen" etc, but it's not that easy. i know i have friends i can talk to, but i still feel guilty making them deal with me. just like i feel guilty knowing nick has to deal with me.
so the next day i ended up picking up a friend from work to go into the office. she is my work "go to person". i laid everything out for her and she said that i have every right feeling what i'm feeling and that if i sit down and really think about what i want and figure out that i just can not handle the pressure from work, then that's that - i need to do something to change it. so, it was a good talk, but i of course still had stuff running through my mind.
well, i had to go into our main office that day for the rescheduled meeting - that i didn't schedule to begin with, remember? so, the guy showed up and i helped him the best i could with what he needed. i then worked on ANOTHER job that i was asked to help with (i was asked prior to the blizzard to help with this job that they had dropped the ball on). so i was trying to get them caught up with that. then i got the email about the lawyers wanting to come and look at documents on fri...so i had no choice but to say yes, and spend yet again another day away from the bridge where there was plenty of stuff i needed to get caught up on.
so thursday was just another day of catching up on stuff at the bridge. i finally got to work out thursday afternoon - the blizzards and craziness of work kept me from working out, which totally threw off my routine. and then thursday night i cried again over the overwhelming feeling about the lawyers coming.
so i went into fri morning very flustered. did what i had to do to get them settled and showed them where everything was. my boss was there that day. i had to talk to him about some of the stuff the lawyers were asking about, and then he did it....he asked the question....."how are you doing?". my answer to him was "you are going to make me cry". i've stated in previous posts how i can talk to my boss very freely and tell him exactly whats on my mind. and while i had no intention of sitting him down and telling him how i feel, he asked the question and i just started pouring everything out - my thoughts and my tears. i told him i couldn't take it anymore. it was too much pressure and too overwhelming to be expected to be THE person to do this type of stuff. and that i used to live and breath this work, but i don't anymore because i've realized i have to take care of myself, etc, etc, etc. he was actually very open to everything i was saying and seemed to understand every bit of it. and when i said i told him everything on my mind, i did just that. about how i felt about my manager and how ever since i was put under him instead of dealing directly with my boss that i seemed to have more problems than not. i told him how i don't want to be the "fall back person" anymore. i was always the person they could count on if something needed to get done, i would always say yes....but i didn't want to be that person anymore. i told him i wanted to work on the projects i already had on my plate, work my 45 hours a week, and be done with it, because the rest is my time. i HAVE to do that. i have NEVER told them that before - i have NEVER told them no. so i finally told him that and he said "ok". he said he doesn't understand why i get so worked up and worried over everything because he has never heard a single complaint about me or the work i do. he said all he hears is compliments about everything i do, and that there is no reason for me to feel like i'm letting anyone down. but i told him that i felt that if i start saying no to doing all the extra stuff, then i will feel guilty for not helping out. and of course he told me not to worry about it, but come on, lets be real...i'm gonna worry no matter what. i told him i knew that the way i thought about things was what the main problem was, but it doesn't mean i can just change it. and that taking time for me and making sure i take care of myself is my way of trying to get control of feeling ok about everything. he said "ok". so, i walked away feeling much better than i did before, but i was still flustered just cause i hate having to even worry about dealing with this type of stuff. i know i'm very lucky to have a boss like i do though, cause lord knows i would have lost my job anywhere else if i talked to most people like i do him.
so, friday ended decently. i was just worked up in general, but i didn't cry anymore. it's monday and i actually haven't cried since - although i partially wanted to on saturday night. my good friend from home was in town and i went to meet up with her and her guy "friend". i feel totally comfortable talking to her, but it seemed kinda awkward when we were out to dinner. i just feel like things were a little overwhelming, but i chalk it up to having had a rough week and being a little frazzled about everything anyhow. needless to say, i slightly wanted to cry after we left cause i felt like things were just weird, but i didn't cause i just didn't have the energy to think or worry about it.
but i'm realizing that i might not be quite as stable as i thought. or maybe being thrown off my routine for a couple weeks just did me in, but needless to say, it wasn't good. i still feel crappy now, and i am still thinking about a lot of stuff. i'm jealous that nick has a job that he enjoys, i'm jealous that other people don't have to deal with the thought craziness that i have to - cause they don't understand, i'm jealous that people who shouldn't have kids do and mad that people who should can't, i'm angry cause i try to do everything i can to feel better yet i'm always miserable anyhow...i'm just bummed. i need to get to the next step. i need to move, rearrange work, find something else to keep me occupied, i want to have a kid - but clearly right now isn't the best time, and i wonder if there ever will be a good time, i just need a change and i need to look out for myself....but i need this mental crap to go away!
so, that's how i've been the past month...
warning! this is going to be the longest post ever!
so, its been a while. and honestly, i think its cause i just don't like facing the truth. i've been up and down again...mostly down though. i thought i was in the clear after all my meds had balanced out, and i was working out and felt like i was getting somewhere with it. but, just all of a sudden it hit me again, and i felt like everything i was doing was wrong, or not good enough. it has been mostly with work, but that of course just trickles down into everything else, and then the spiral begins.
i feel like every time i finally feel like i'm getting caught up with work, they throw something else at me and i get overwhelmed once again. and listen, i know that "that is life and how the real world works", but i am not lucky enough to be able to deal with "life" like every other normal person does. i'm sorry, but i can try as hard as i want, and i still feel the way i do - i can't just make it stop or change it, cause if i could i would have done it a LONG time ago. so, i just start telling myself that everything i'm doing is not good enough and i might as well quit. i feel like i can't even get one thing done 100% before another thing comes at me. i'm already working on 2 big projects (technically 3 because one of them is 2-part) and i just don't feel like i can do more. No, I DON'T WANT TO DO MORE! there, i said it. for the first time in my life i admit that I WANT TO BE SELFISH. there, that feels better. i am accepting that i need to take care of myself and do what's best for ME, so that means not allowing them to pile more and more on me. but wait, it's not that easy, now is it?! in my mind i hate them for even asking me to work on something else. because i can't say NO to them, and they know it. so then i say yes to taking on more work, and then all of the projects i work on start kicking into high gear at the same time, and i freak out and feel so overwhelmed. then i think about how i knew that was going to happen and kick myself for not saying no when i knew i wanted to.
i don't want to be an overachiever anymore. but now they're used to it, so why wouldn't they look to me to do more. so of course, i see their side and don't blame them....i blame myself for ever setting myself up for that. but then again, i used to thrive on doing EVERYTHING. but, thinking about it now, that was also when i was typically manic, so i thought i could do everything and take on the entire world. now, i'm leveled out. i don't have the energy, or drive that i had when i was manic. so now i don't want to do it anymore, and i've been tearing myself up on how i'm supposed to look at them and tell them no. i feel like if i tell them no that i would be letting them down and i would feel guilty for doing it. so, there it is, the vicious cycle...do you follow it? i want to take care of myself and make sure i have my time and not overdo myself anymore, but i feel guilty if i tell them i won't take on more work because i need to have MY time and just take care of things that are already on my plate, and then i think about what they will think of me and feel like i let them down...etc etc etc.
i can't even explain what i'm thinking right now. i feel like the entire last paragraph didn't even make sense. yet another thing i can't do right now. i honestly feel like i can't even function. i had to prepare for some attorneys to come in last friday and look at documents for one of our jobs, and i didn't know what to do. my boss wasn't in the office, so i couldn't ask him. i couldn't make a decision, i felt like there was something wrong with everything i was trying to figure out. how was i going to work this out? did i need to have breakfast for them? did i need to set up lunch? did they expect me to sit there while they're going through everything? were they going to grill me on everything about the docs? was the conference room going to be set up right? did i need to worry about bringing the couple hundred of binders to them, or do i make them go get the ones they needed on their own? ugh, it just kept on and on and on. i lost it thursday night. i just started crying. this was like the 100th time i had cried in a 2 weeks time. i honestly don't know how i came up with tears, there was no way my body could produce more.i had cried so much the week before cause i felt like i was letting them down. then i cried because i was mad that they put me in the position to feel like i was letting them down.
we had 2 huge blizzards back to back, so basically our entire area was immobile because we are NOT used to 40+ inches of snow falling within a weeks time. so i couldn't get anywhere. after the first one nick and i drove down to DC to take my sisters dog back to her and i had a panic attack from the drive down there. the roads were horrible, the drivers were worse, there was ice everywhere, a car spun out about 5 cars in front of us, people were swerving in and out trying to get past you and all of a sudden their lane stopped because of a pile of snow and they felt like it was ok to just swerve into your lane like you weren't even there. i wasn't even driving and i had a panic attack! i'm surprised i didn't rip the handle off my door cause i was holding onto it so hard. by the time we made it down there, i felt like i was going to throw up. i got into my sisters house and just started balling. uncontrollable crying because i was freaked out so bad. i had to lay down on the way back just so i couldn't see what was going on. i certainly didn't fall asleep cause i was still very nervous, but i at least didn't have to watch everything. so, i felt like an idiot for being that worked up about it, but it made me not even want to go anywhere in a car for the entire week cause we got another 20+ inches after the first 20+ inches. nick was using my car cause he HAD to go to work, being a fire fighter, and i had brought some work home with me the week before when i knew i could very well not be able to get into work that week. so i worked from home, trying to be a good employee. well, tuesday i get a call from someone at my office saying that i had a meeting wed morning with someone at the office...1 - why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me first? 2 - um, we're about to get shit on by another 20+ inches of snow tuesday night and wed morning, so exactly how am i supposed to get in there? so i told her i couldn't get anywhere. she called me back and now told me that it was changed to friday morning...1- why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me? 2 - it's been 4 days since the last snow fall and the roads are so shitty that no one can get around, so why do you think that 2 days after ANOTHER 20+ inches is going to be any better for me to get there? so she told me it was "weather permitting". seriously, weather permitting. i already know it's not going to be bad weather on Fri, the issue is NOT weather, it's that the roads are not going to be ready to drive on, i couldn't even get out of my neighborhood if i wanted to. so i cried and cried wednesday and thursday because i just couldn't get myself pulled together to even think about driving. so now i felt like i was going to let them down. called my manager to tell him i wasn't gonna be able to make it, i felt like he was putting me on a guilt trip, so i cried even more. then i cried friday cause i found out the guy still showed up at the office even though i had left him 3 messages stating that i was not going to be there and we could reschedule. so i cried some more because now this other guy was going to think i was unreliable. ugh, i hate dealing with this shit.
then, because i am so emotional and feel like i can't do anything right, i'm crying all the time to nick and then i start feeling like i'm bothering him. he constantly tries to tell me that i'm worrying over nothing, but i won't accept it. he tells me i'm doing great at my job, but i won't accept it. finally he breaks down and say "just quit" - and i honestly want to, but i won't. i just drown myself in my own misery. and i do it to myself, and i know i do, but i can't make it stop.
so then, because i felt like i let everyone down because of the snow week issue, i tell my manager that i was going to work on presidents day even though it was a holiday, in hopes to make up some points and take the target off my head. i show up at my job at the bridge at 7am, as i was pulling up he asks me if i could work in the snow removal ops center that our company was helping out with. i asked when, he said from noon that day to 6am the next. UGH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i have plenty of things i need to take care of at the bridge, and now i'm supposed to do that and go work for 18 hours over night to sit and wait for emails to pop up about roads that haven't been plowed?! god, can things be any more aggrivating right now???!!!! but i said yes, because i can't say no. and hopefully after this the target will be 100% gone and they won't think about me not coming in on fri. so, i spent 2.5 hours at the bridge trying to take care of things that i had missed during the snow week, then i drove back to my house to get stuff for the night, then drove an hour away to go sit in a room with no windows, starring at a computer screen waiting for emails to randomly pop up...oh the joy! now, we were only supposed to work 12 hour shifts, so it was supposed to be from noon till midnight, but he asked me to work till 6am cause he had to find someone to replace me. well things were so slow that the people sent me home at 12:3oam. here goes another round of crying...
on my way home i was freaked out because that night it had snowed again, but only a enough to have a thin layer on the roads - not enough for plowing. so i was driving slow. i called nick to let him know i was on my way home cause if something happened no one would think about it till after 6am cause i wasn't supposed to be on the road till then. well, the phone just rang and rang...so aggrivating! god forbid something happen to me, no one would be able to get ahold of him!. so, i just kept driving, thinking to myself "this is gonna be a long drive home" cause it was normally an hour drive in good weather, but it had snowed so i wasn't gonna push my luck. so i'm driving and all of a sudden a lexus SUV comes FLYING past me - so fast that it shook my car (as if an 18 wheeler had flown by). it freaked me out! i looked at my spedometer and thought he was going AT LEAST 90 mph. i was thinking to myself i should call the cops cause this guy was either gonna hurt someone else or was gonna wreck himself...but just as i was thinking that i see another set of head lights flying up behind me in the next lane over. i was like "sweet, this has got to be a cop and i hope he goes to pull him over cause that's rediculous!". well, yep, it was a cop. he was in the next lane over and was about to pass me when he turned his lights on, so i pulled over into the farther lane to make sure i was outta the way....well he pulled over too! he started flashing his light at me, i tried to pull over but there was no shoulder to pull onto, so i was just rolling along trying to find somewhere out of the roadway to stop, but there was so much snow there wasn't a spot in sight! he pulled next to me and started yelling at me telling me to cross BACK OVER the 4 lane highway to the OTHER shoulder....WHAT?! 1- why are you pulling ME over? 2- why do i have to play frogger and try to dodge the traffic to get to the other shoulder?! so i eventually made my way accross thinking to myself "what just happened? there is no way i was speeding because i'm so scared to drive in this that i could pee myself, so why is this dude pulling me over?!". i stopped, got out my license, he came to my window and advised me he was pulling me over for speeding. i know the look on my face must have been the dumbest look ever. i gave him my license and i was still digging for my registration when he asked if i knew how fast i was going. i said "yes, like 60 mph". he said "mam, you were doing 70 in a 55". WHAT?! YOU'RE CRAZY! and i told him that it must have been the lexus suv that just went flying past me right before then. well, i was having trouble finding my license cause it was dark, i was tired, and somewhat in shock that i was just pulled over. he eventually just asked where i was coming from and where i worked. i told him i was coming from the county snow ops center and that i worked for a construction consultant. i then realized he prob asked me that cause i had on my fire department sweatshirt. so he went back to his car and came back and said i got a warning but i needed to slow down cause it wasn't the lexus speeding cause he had paced me doing the 70 mph. you paced me? really? you pulled up behind me just as fast as the lexus did, and you immediately turned your lights on...how is that pacing?! anyhow, i got back on the road and, yes you guessed it...started crying. not sure why cause i didn't get a ticket. i was tired, i was frustrated, i was in shock, i was upset that nick wouldn't answer the phone, i was upset that i had to work that night anyhow, i was upset that i hated my job, i was upset that i felt like i was letting everyone down....everything, it just made me cry. so i got home, went to bed at 2am. woke up at 6 to let my manager know that they sent me home early and not to worry about sending anyone else over there. well, guess what...remember how he said he would have someone replace me at 6am? HE HADN'T EVEN CALLED ANYONE ELSE YET!!!!!!!!! so if they hadn't sent me home, i would still be there just hanging high and dry! UGH, PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE! then he "gave me permission" to sleep a couple more hours and head back to the bridge for work. thanks douchebag, i appreciate being "given permission" to get at least 6 hours of sleep before i go back to work. god, i hate EVERYTHING at this point!
so i went back to sleep. woke up 2 hours later. got ready for work. nick was downstairs when i was about to leave....and again, i started crying cause i just didn't understand why it was that everything i did clearly was never enough. i was tired, pulled 5 different ways at all times, and all i wanted to do was take time for me. but nope, i'm up and at it again because "that's life". well, everyone who has ever said that to me can kiss my ass. it's NOT life to be miserable. and yes, i may be the main cause of my misery, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm miserable and that i need to find a way to change that. so i cried, and cried...i finally just picked up my stuff to leave, still crying, headed out the door...and i fell on the steps on the way out! OH MY GOD!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! one thing after another! even if it's just small things, it's still one thing after another and i'm am done! i cannot mentally take this anymore! i came back inside and broke down crying harder than i was before. not because i was hurt from falling, but because i was just a mess. a mental mess. i hated work. i hated feeling the way i did. i hated not being able to get the guts to stand up for myself, and i hated feeling guilty when i convinced myself i should be selfish, i hated being such a problem for nick, i hated everything! again, i picked up my stuff and just walked out, got in my car, and sped off - still crying. i made it to work, i hated every minute, every second, every breath i was taking. nick called to check on me. he said "i just wanted to make sure you're still alive". my response was "yeah". my thought though was "i wish i wasn't". yes, i really wished i wasn't i wouldn't have to worry about all this if i just wasn't here. i wouldn't have to make decisions, i wouldn't have to feel guilty, i wouldn't have to be overwhelmed, i wouldn't feel bad for making nick deal with me, i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.
ok, this has been the longest post ever, as promised, but sadly it has to be continued cause i just can't think straight right now.
i feel like every time i finally feel like i'm getting caught up with work, they throw something else at me and i get overwhelmed once again. and listen, i know that "that is life and how the real world works", but i am not lucky enough to be able to deal with "life" like every other normal person does. i'm sorry, but i can try as hard as i want, and i still feel the way i do - i can't just make it stop or change it, cause if i could i would have done it a LONG time ago. so, i just start telling myself that everything i'm doing is not good enough and i might as well quit. i feel like i can't even get one thing done 100% before another thing comes at me. i'm already working on 2 big projects (technically 3 because one of them is 2-part) and i just don't feel like i can do more. No, I DON'T WANT TO DO MORE! there, i said it. for the first time in my life i admit that I WANT TO BE SELFISH. there, that feels better. i am accepting that i need to take care of myself and do what's best for ME, so that means not allowing them to pile more and more on me. but wait, it's not that easy, now is it?! in my mind i hate them for even asking me to work on something else. because i can't say NO to them, and they know it. so then i say yes to taking on more work, and then all of the projects i work on start kicking into high gear at the same time, and i freak out and feel so overwhelmed. then i think about how i knew that was going to happen and kick myself for not saying no when i knew i wanted to.
i don't want to be an overachiever anymore. but now they're used to it, so why wouldn't they look to me to do more. so of course, i see their side and don't blame them....i blame myself for ever setting myself up for that. but then again, i used to thrive on doing EVERYTHING. but, thinking about it now, that was also when i was typically manic, so i thought i could do everything and take on the entire world. now, i'm leveled out. i don't have the energy, or drive that i had when i was manic. so now i don't want to do it anymore, and i've been tearing myself up on how i'm supposed to look at them and tell them no. i feel like if i tell them no that i would be letting them down and i would feel guilty for doing it. so, there it is, the vicious cycle...do you follow it? i want to take care of myself and make sure i have my time and not overdo myself anymore, but i feel guilty if i tell them i won't take on more work because i need to have MY time and just take care of things that are already on my plate, and then i think about what they will think of me and feel like i let them down...etc etc etc.
i can't even explain what i'm thinking right now. i feel like the entire last paragraph didn't even make sense. yet another thing i can't do right now. i honestly feel like i can't even function. i had to prepare for some attorneys to come in last friday and look at documents for one of our jobs, and i didn't know what to do. my boss wasn't in the office, so i couldn't ask him. i couldn't make a decision, i felt like there was something wrong with everything i was trying to figure out. how was i going to work this out? did i need to have breakfast for them? did i need to set up lunch? did they expect me to sit there while they're going through everything? were they going to grill me on everything about the docs? was the conference room going to be set up right? did i need to worry about bringing the couple hundred of binders to them, or do i make them go get the ones they needed on their own? ugh, it just kept on and on and on. i lost it thursday night. i just started crying. this was like the 100th time i had cried in a 2 weeks time. i honestly don't know how i came up with tears, there was no way my body could produce more.i had cried so much the week before cause i felt like i was letting them down. then i cried because i was mad that they put me in the position to feel like i was letting them down.
we had 2 huge blizzards back to back, so basically our entire area was immobile because we are NOT used to 40+ inches of snow falling within a weeks time. so i couldn't get anywhere. after the first one nick and i drove down to DC to take my sisters dog back to her and i had a panic attack from the drive down there. the roads were horrible, the drivers were worse, there was ice everywhere, a car spun out about 5 cars in front of us, people were swerving in and out trying to get past you and all of a sudden their lane stopped because of a pile of snow and they felt like it was ok to just swerve into your lane like you weren't even there. i wasn't even driving and i had a panic attack! i'm surprised i didn't rip the handle off my door cause i was holding onto it so hard. by the time we made it down there, i felt like i was going to throw up. i got into my sisters house and just started balling. uncontrollable crying because i was freaked out so bad. i had to lay down on the way back just so i couldn't see what was going on. i certainly didn't fall asleep cause i was still very nervous, but i at least didn't have to watch everything. so, i felt like an idiot for being that worked up about it, but it made me not even want to go anywhere in a car for the entire week cause we got another 20+ inches after the first 20+ inches. nick was using my car cause he HAD to go to work, being a fire fighter, and i had brought some work home with me the week before when i knew i could very well not be able to get into work that week. so i worked from home, trying to be a good employee. well, tuesday i get a call from someone at my office saying that i had a meeting wed morning with someone at the office...1 - why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me first? 2 - um, we're about to get shit on by another 20+ inches of snow tuesday night and wed morning, so exactly how am i supposed to get in there? so i told her i couldn't get anywhere. she called me back and now told me that it was changed to friday morning...1- why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me? 2 - it's been 4 days since the last snow fall and the roads are so shitty that no one can get around, so why do you think that 2 days after ANOTHER 20+ inches is going to be any better for me to get there? so she told me it was "weather permitting". seriously, weather permitting. i already know it's not going to be bad weather on Fri, the issue is NOT weather, it's that the roads are not going to be ready to drive on, i couldn't even get out of my neighborhood if i wanted to. so i cried and cried wednesday and thursday because i just couldn't get myself pulled together to even think about driving. so now i felt like i was going to let them down. called my manager to tell him i wasn't gonna be able to make it, i felt like he was putting me on a guilt trip, so i cried even more. then i cried friday cause i found out the guy still showed up at the office even though i had left him 3 messages stating that i was not going to be there and we could reschedule. so i cried some more because now this other guy was going to think i was unreliable. ugh, i hate dealing with this shit.
then, because i am so emotional and feel like i can't do anything right, i'm crying all the time to nick and then i start feeling like i'm bothering him. he constantly tries to tell me that i'm worrying over nothing, but i won't accept it. he tells me i'm doing great at my job, but i won't accept it. finally he breaks down and say "just quit" - and i honestly want to, but i won't. i just drown myself in my own misery. and i do it to myself, and i know i do, but i can't make it stop.
so then, because i felt like i let everyone down because of the snow week issue, i tell my manager that i was going to work on presidents day even though it was a holiday, in hopes to make up some points and take the target off my head. i show up at my job at the bridge at 7am, as i was pulling up he asks me if i could work in the snow removal ops center that our company was helping out with. i asked when, he said from noon that day to 6am the next. UGH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i have plenty of things i need to take care of at the bridge, and now i'm supposed to do that and go work for 18 hours over night to sit and wait for emails to pop up about roads that haven't been plowed?! god, can things be any more aggrivating right now???!!!! but i said yes, because i can't say no. and hopefully after this the target will be 100% gone and they won't think about me not coming in on fri. so, i spent 2.5 hours at the bridge trying to take care of things that i had missed during the snow week, then i drove back to my house to get stuff for the night, then drove an hour away to go sit in a room with no windows, starring at a computer screen waiting for emails to randomly pop up...oh the joy! now, we were only supposed to work 12 hour shifts, so it was supposed to be from noon till midnight, but he asked me to work till 6am cause he had to find someone to replace me. well things were so slow that the people sent me home at 12:3oam. here goes another round of crying...
on my way home i was freaked out because that night it had snowed again, but only a enough to have a thin layer on the roads - not enough for plowing. so i was driving slow. i called nick to let him know i was on my way home cause if something happened no one would think about it till after 6am cause i wasn't supposed to be on the road till then. well, the phone just rang and rang...so aggrivating! god forbid something happen to me, no one would be able to get ahold of him!. so, i just kept driving, thinking to myself "this is gonna be a long drive home" cause it was normally an hour drive in good weather, but it had snowed so i wasn't gonna push my luck. so i'm driving and all of a sudden a lexus SUV comes FLYING past me - so fast that it shook my car (as if an 18 wheeler had flown by). it freaked me out! i looked at my spedometer and thought he was going AT LEAST 90 mph. i was thinking to myself i should call the cops cause this guy was either gonna hurt someone else or was gonna wreck himself...but just as i was thinking that i see another set of head lights flying up behind me in the next lane over. i was like "sweet, this has got to be a cop and i hope he goes to pull him over cause that's rediculous!". well, yep, it was a cop. he was in the next lane over and was about to pass me when he turned his lights on, so i pulled over into the farther lane to make sure i was outta the way....well he pulled over too! he started flashing his light at me, i tried to pull over but there was no shoulder to pull onto, so i was just rolling along trying to find somewhere out of the roadway to stop, but there was so much snow there wasn't a spot in sight! he pulled next to me and started yelling at me telling me to cross BACK OVER the 4 lane highway to the OTHER shoulder....WHAT?! 1- why are you pulling ME over? 2- why do i have to play frogger and try to dodge the traffic to get to the other shoulder?! so i eventually made my way accross thinking to myself "what just happened? there is no way i was speeding because i'm so scared to drive in this that i could pee myself, so why is this dude pulling me over?!". i stopped, got out my license, he came to my window and advised me he was pulling me over for speeding. i know the look on my face must have been the dumbest look ever. i gave him my license and i was still digging for my registration when he asked if i knew how fast i was going. i said "yes, like 60 mph". he said "mam, you were doing 70 in a 55". WHAT?! YOU'RE CRAZY! and i told him that it must have been the lexus suv that just went flying past me right before then. well, i was having trouble finding my license cause it was dark, i was tired, and somewhat in shock that i was just pulled over. he eventually just asked where i was coming from and where i worked. i told him i was coming from the county snow ops center and that i worked for a construction consultant. i then realized he prob asked me that cause i had on my fire department sweatshirt. so he went back to his car and came back and said i got a warning but i needed to slow down cause it wasn't the lexus speeding cause he had paced me doing the 70 mph. you paced me? really? you pulled up behind me just as fast as the lexus did, and you immediately turned your lights on...how is that pacing?! anyhow, i got back on the road and, yes you guessed it...started crying. not sure why cause i didn't get a ticket. i was tired, i was frustrated, i was in shock, i was upset that nick wouldn't answer the phone, i was upset that i had to work that night anyhow, i was upset that i hated my job, i was upset that i felt like i was letting everyone down....everything, it just made me cry. so i got home, went to bed at 2am. woke up at 6 to let my manager know that they sent me home early and not to worry about sending anyone else over there. well, guess what...remember how he said he would have someone replace me at 6am? HE HADN'T EVEN CALLED ANYONE ELSE YET!!!!!!!!! so if they hadn't sent me home, i would still be there just hanging high and dry! UGH, PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE! then he "gave me permission" to sleep a couple more hours and head back to the bridge for work. thanks douchebag, i appreciate being "given permission" to get at least 6 hours of sleep before i go back to work. god, i hate EVERYTHING at this point!
so i went back to sleep. woke up 2 hours later. got ready for work. nick was downstairs when i was about to leave....and again, i started crying cause i just didn't understand why it was that everything i did clearly was never enough. i was tired, pulled 5 different ways at all times, and all i wanted to do was take time for me. but nope, i'm up and at it again because "that's life". well, everyone who has ever said that to me can kiss my ass. it's NOT life to be miserable. and yes, i may be the main cause of my misery, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm miserable and that i need to find a way to change that. so i cried, and cried...i finally just picked up my stuff to leave, still crying, headed out the door...and i fell on the steps on the way out! OH MY GOD!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! one thing after another! even if it's just small things, it's still one thing after another and i'm am done! i cannot mentally take this anymore! i came back inside and broke down crying harder than i was before. not because i was hurt from falling, but because i was just a mess. a mental mess. i hated work. i hated feeling the way i did. i hated not being able to get the guts to stand up for myself, and i hated feeling guilty when i convinced myself i should be selfish, i hated being such a problem for nick, i hated everything! again, i picked up my stuff and just walked out, got in my car, and sped off - still crying. i made it to work, i hated every minute, every second, every breath i was taking. nick called to check on me. he said "i just wanted to make sure you're still alive". my response was "yeah". my thought though was "i wish i wasn't". yes, i really wished i wasn't i wouldn't have to worry about all this if i just wasn't here. i wouldn't have to make decisions, i wouldn't have to feel guilty, i wouldn't have to be overwhelmed, i wouldn't feel bad for making nick deal with me, i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.
ok, this has been the longest post ever, as promised, but sadly it has to be continued cause i just can't think straight right now.
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