just another day

so, i'm feeling better still. working out has helped a lot. my meds seem to be working themselves out now. so on that matter, things are good.

but i have a different post today. i realized how lonely i am sometimes. nick is always there for me and he couldn't be better about how he treats me and lets me know he loves me, but with the holidays coming up, i'm bummed. it's just gonna be another day for me. i have to work today, xmas eve, and nick has to work tomorrow but i don't. so he's gonna be at work and there's no where i can really go and feel comfortable. i don't get to go home to my fam cause i just can't afford it right now, kt went home so i can't just hang with her (i would have gone with her, but i had 2 work the past 2 days, so i couldn't leave when she was leaving). nicks fam is in NC, so i can't spend time with them. i have friends up here that have offered for me to go to their house, but it's 2 hours away. i don't want to do that cause i don't want to leave nick by himself when he gets home from work. i was thinking about going to his station and just hanging out there, but i feel like it would be awkward - the only family member/wife that is gonna go sit at her husbands fire station on xmas cause she has no where else to go - lame. i was thinking about riding at 34, but i'm not sure about that either. i started crying the other night when nick and i started talking about it - i never thought i would say i don't have anywhere to go on xmas, at lease anywhere that i would feel comfortable. i don't want to impose on other peoples xmas either. i did it one year when nick had to work 24hours, so i asked my old roommate if i could go with her to her fams xmas - awkward. i was thinking about biting the bullet and finding a way to pay for a plane/train/bus ticket just to go home, but i don't want to leave nick and i just don't have the money. i don't feel like driving down there would be great for me either cause i've been super tired lately and it would take prob 8 stops to sleep just to make it down there, and then i have to turn back around on wed to come back.

and, we're not doing anything for new years either. nick has to work the next day, and regardless what we do we wouldn't be able to just go somewhere and stay there cause we would have to come back and take care of the dogs. and i don't want to be out driving around cause of the stupid people that drink and drive. so, again, just another day.

and i am not saying that i won't enjoy the time with nick when he is home, just that xmas morning/day, i will just be sitting there knowing that so many people will be having a great time with fam and friends. i was thinking maybe i'll go to a shelter and volunteer or something. just to keep my mind off of what i won't have and know that i'm at least doing something to make other people have a little bit merrier xmas.

feelin better

so, i'm finally feeling better - but consistently. so in about a week or 2 i should be good to go cause i just went up a little on my lamictal again, so it should put me on a fun cloud nine kinda. and i'm soooooo looking forward to my 10 days off! so i think it should be a good end of the year.
hopefully i can start the new year with a whole new outlook. it's all starting to work itself out...thank goodness!

who's annoying now....?

so, i figured out my retaliation for the annoyance i receive from the lovely people that surround me every day....I am playing Christmas songs ALL DAY, REALLY LOUD, and sparatically singing along as well....

who's the annoying one now? most likely me, and I LOVE IT!

i'll leave you with this....and don't be mad if you think about it for a really long time, and sing it over and over again in your head...
Haaappppyyyy hhhooollliiiddaaayysss, happy hooolliiiddaayyysss....haaaappppyy hoooollliiidddaaayyyyss

you're welcome

not quite as fast as i hoped

so, first of all, update on the incident from Friday. i find it quite funny that this guy is so willing to throw shit in my face, blame me for things, and act like he doesn't need me for anything...but then yesterday, he conveniently started suckin up to me because he needed me to help him find out some information that the area engineer needed. up until yesterday afternoon, he didn't speak to me, look at me, or even act like i was there...as soon as the engineer called me for info, and then asked him for stuff too, he all of a sudden turned into my buddy because he couldn't get any of his answers without me getting everything for him....hmmmm, don't burn your bridges buddy, cause when you try to talk yourself up and show off to everyone as if you do EVERYTHING on this job and as if you are severely crucial to this job working out, just remember, you can't look that good without my help...but that's ok, i'll let you take the credit, because i think your ego apparently needs it more than i do.

ANYHOW, this working out and losing weigth thing....ugh. i hurt, every day, i'm tired and i'm sorta getting frustrated. i'm realizing that the weight isn't just going to fall off like it did when i first lost a bunch of weight. i know when i initially started everything, a big part of losing that weight was just the fact that i drastically changed my lifestyle from doing nothing and eating anything to working out constantly and paying attention to healthy foods and intake. but now, it's very frustrating. it might just be in my head, because i'm not gaining weight, and my clothes are still falling off me, but i guess i'm just getting impatient because i feel like i have so far to go and i'm already feeling like i'm hitting a road block. and recently, i've not gotten great sleep either...not really sure why cause i'm taking melatonine to help me out, but it could be because i'm getting stuffy and nick likes to crank the heater in the bedroom. so i end up waking up cause i can't breath through my nose or because i feel like i'm suffocating in the heat. but it's obvious that it effects how i feel the next day cause if i don't get a good nights sleep then i typically become a bitch and have a headache that feels like someone is taking a suction cup to the back of my eyes.

but anyhow, i'm feeling better in the sense of moods going up and down. i have my moments, but it's getting better.

can i get your opinion on something...?

so, the guy i work with that stares out the window all day...i basically got in a fight with him today. but i want your opinion on what you would have done or if you think it was right or wrong of me to do what i did....

i take care of the files here at the bridge. i deal with claims work all the time, so i know how important project files are. however, i can't claim to be the most organized or the most on top of filing everything just cause it's a lot of shit and it's hard to take a set of files that were f'd up when i got them from the previous office manager - fix them - and then keep up with them when i'm also working on other stuff and trying to keep up with the day to day data entry, etc.
so, i have all the files set up for the most part, but there are some piles that i have - which i know what they are - but they just haven't had folders made yet or haven't been put into their appropriate folders. anyhow, this guy, who does nothing all day, actually offered to help me with some of those files...so i gladly took him up on the offer because i would get more gratification outta knowing he's actually doing something rather than saying no just cause i knew there would be some sort of problem that he came up with.

so, the later ended up coming back and biting me in the ass. the files i gave him were his work product, he then gave them to me to file away. i simply asked him to seperate them by topic and that i would make folders for them. now, i need to note that these documents were in the EXACT form that i received them. there was ONE time that i had to make copies of all the ones i had in that file, but i made EXACT copies (ie, if they were stapled, then i stapled the old set back together and made sure to staple the new set, etc). well, he was going through them and came to me today and claimed that there was a bunch of documents missing. so my response to him was "well, they are the exact same way that i received them, and that's all i have of that type of document, so i don't know what would have happened to them. everything that's there is everything i've received". so, he then gets in a hissy about it saying that there's no way that he didn't put all the info in there and that it all had to have gone missing after it got to my office, etc. Mind you, this is the guy that i said ALWAYS complains about everything! so of course he started making this into a HUGE issue. My simple thought was, well i had all the documents that i was given, other than that i don't know what to tell you. he then decided to state "well, i'm not the one that has to answer to where they are".

i don't know about you, but i think it's fair to say you would probably have the same reaction that i had of "so, you're saying that i'm at fault, and i lost them or threw them away?". i didn't say that to him - yet - but i just told him he didn't need to get all bent out of shape about it. i then went and got the copies that i had made of these files, and i made them about 8 or 9 months ago, so i knew they were of exactly what i had received and how i received them. i showed him the comparison of the 2 sets and explained to him that what he saw was exactly how they were about 8 months ago when i had to make the copy, and that's all there was, no more, no less. he kept saying "well, they have to be somewhere, or someone threw them out". again, i can only take this as "well, you have to have put them somewhere else or you threw them out".

so this is where i stopped him before he got to the point of where i knew he was going. i just looked at him and told him that i wasn't about to let him sit there and try to make it seemed like I lost those documents. i have worked with claims ever since i have been at my job and know that the MOST important thing on a project is the documents...so the LAST thing i would do is get rid of them! and i knew they weren't anywhere else because i had seperated all the different files and had them either in their proper folders or in a certain pile to go in a certain folder.

well, as soon as i said that to him he got all fired up and shoved all my stuff back at me and said that he wasn't helping me anymore and that i could take care of my own stuff from now on. he got all pissy, and was saying that i was putting words in his mouth cause he never said that. i said that i didn't say he said that - i was simply stopping him from even thinking about trying to say that. see, i had already let my boss here know that he had told me stuff was missing and that i had no idea what he was talking about. my boss even ended up telling him that he never remembered seeing any of the stuff that he was talking about, so i know i'm not going crazy. so, i wasn't about to let him go around and basically telling everyone that i don't know what the F i'm doing - cause i know that's exactly what he would do. i've been here too long and listened to his mouth too many times to not believe that he will try to badmouth any person he possibly can, and make it seem like it's all someone elses fault.

so, he was fired up, which then got me fired up, and i just went and told him that i did appreciate that he was helping, but that i wasn't going to let him make it seem like i messed something up when i never even got the documents. he still said that i was putting words in his mouth. and then he said "you should know me by now, i wouldn't assume that"....HAHAHAHA. EXACTLY, i do know you by now and i know you're FULL OF SHIT! so my response to him was " i know how you make assumptions about everyone, and i'm not going to let you do it to me". he then stated "well i'm glad you're so smart. maybe if i was that smart then i could come work at OCL with you and all the other smart people there". i laughed and was like, i don't think i'm smart, i'm just stating the truth.

by that time, i felt like i was fighting with a 5 year old. he was always right and didn't do anything wrong and he was the victim. so he told me that he was done with the conversation and didn't want to talk about it anymore. i said fine, walked over to my boss and told him where i stood with the situation and that i didn't really know what he wanted me to do because he knew that this guy always bullshitted about everything. to no surprise, he agreed, and then proceeded to tell the guy to stay out of anything that i was dealing with and to just drop it.

i hate working here. it makes me miserable. and if there's anything that's worse than being miserable every day - it's to be miserable and having someone trying to throw you under the bus for something you didn't do - and that was probably a fault of his own....

so, should i have kept my mouth shut? cause i know it's hard for me to do that in general, but i don't feel like i am outta line when it comes to standing up for myself and my integrity.

yesterdays workout

so yesterday was supposed to be 1/2 mile run and 21 power cleans x 3. I ended up doing 1/4 mile run, 1/4 mile row, and 21 power cleans at 45lbs x 3. Did it all in 25min 50 sec. I hurt today. it felt good to finish, but it def made me feel lack of endurance on my run.

today is supposed to be row 1/2 mile, then do 3 sets of 15-12-9 of GHD situps and back extensions. oh boy sore abs and back tomorrow...can't wait!

it's like a shiny ball

so, i feel a little bit better this morning. not sure if it was the good sleep last night, the workout yesterday afternoon, or a combination of both. or maybe it's just my meds starting to work out again, not sure. but it's good to feel better.
so, this crossfit thing i started yesterday - i think it's like a shiny ball - it might actually keep my attention and make me want to come back as often as possible to find out what's next. you never do the same thing, and it's stuff you would regularly do in a workout, and some that you wouldn't - it's just the way they put it together and how fast it goes that makes it interesting. yesterday was my first day and the workout was to do right and left arm thrusters (using a weight in the right/left hand, elbow bent straight in front, squat down then burst up and extend your arm straight up, then start right back down into a squat again and repeat) and 1 arm pullups for reps of 15-12-9. the thrusters were supposed to be at 55lbs, but since it was my first day they scaled me back to 15lbs and then doing jump pulls (you hang like you do for a pullup, do a little swing, then when you're about to pullup you give yourself a little push/jump off the floor, but do most of it with your arms). so, ultimately it was 15 right arm thrusters, 15 left arm thrusters, 15 jump pulls - then repeat for a set of 12, then a set of 9. i did it all in 7min 30 sec. I think they were suprised that I could do that well and have the right form the entire time. the guy said i nailed it and cranked it out, and that i was alot more ready for this than he expected. i may still look outta shape, but i know i'm pretty strong, and the way they set this stuff up it's as if it's somewhat a competition, so it's makes me just go. granted, the huge guys that were in there were cranking out at 45lbs and actually doing the one arm pullups, but i felt good that i could do what i did, the right way, and as fast as i did it. i was already sore and walking funny about 15 min after i finished. i'm sore today, but not to the point of not being able to function, so i'm going back this afternoon and it's supposed to be a workout of 3 rounds of 1/2 mile run and 21 reps of 155lb power cleans...i know they will scale back the weight on power cleans, but that means i have to run 1.5 miles today...blah.
so we'll see how it goes, but i think this might def be my new workout, and i think it will help me lose weight and gain muscle faster than before because of the intensity.

i just don't wannnaaaaa

so, i'm getting in a depressed mode. i'm super tired cause i can't sleep well at all. i'm getting emotional again, mostly because i feel like i'm starting to fail at everything I've been working hard for. i haven't worked out in about 2 weeks. i'm not gaining weight, but i'm getting "jiggly" again.
i just have NO motivation. i don't even want to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to deal with anybody or anything. basically i feel like i hate every aspect of my life. i have my moments of feeling good, but my lack of motivation and emotional state def overwhelmes the good feelings.
i have made an effort to try and find some simple workout stuff to make a little "gym area" in the basement. i found some gym floor mats, weight bars and weights, and steppers on craigslist. i haven't set it up yet, but i'm hoping once i do it might help me at least get something in during the day. if i don't feel like i can make it to the gym, then i'm hoping i can at least roll outta bed and make it downstairs.
i'm actually starting a new workout at crossfit, the place that nick goes. it's really intense workouts, but i'm thinking it might keep me interested because it's on the verge of somewhat crazy intense. hopefully it might help get some frustration out and make me feel like i accomplished a lot in a little bit of time.
i need to stop comfort eating, been doing it alot lately. i just don't feel like doing ANYTHING right now, and it makes me even more depressed because i feel like i can't overcome it.
we'll see how things go, hopefully it will turn around soon.