just another day

so, i'm feeling better still. working out has helped a lot. my meds seem to be working themselves out now. so on that matter, things are good.

but i have a different post today. i realized how lonely i am sometimes. nick is always there for me and he couldn't be better about how he treats me and lets me know he loves me, but with the holidays coming up, i'm bummed. it's just gonna be another day for me. i have to work today, xmas eve, and nick has to work tomorrow but i don't. so he's gonna be at work and there's no where i can really go and feel comfortable. i don't get to go home to my fam cause i just can't afford it right now, kt went home so i can't just hang with her (i would have gone with her, but i had 2 work the past 2 days, so i couldn't leave when she was leaving). nicks fam is in NC, so i can't spend time with them. i have friends up here that have offered for me to go to their house, but it's 2 hours away. i don't want to do that cause i don't want to leave nick by himself when he gets home from work. i was thinking about going to his station and just hanging out there, but i feel like it would be awkward - the only family member/wife that is gonna go sit at her husbands fire station on xmas cause she has no where else to go - lame. i was thinking about riding at 34, but i'm not sure about that either. i started crying the other night when nick and i started talking about it - i never thought i would say i don't have anywhere to go on xmas, at lease anywhere that i would feel comfortable. i don't want to impose on other peoples xmas either. i did it one year when nick had to work 24hours, so i asked my old roommate if i could go with her to her fams xmas - awkward. i was thinking about biting the bullet and finding a way to pay for a plane/train/bus ticket just to go home, but i don't want to leave nick and i just don't have the money. i don't feel like driving down there would be great for me either cause i've been super tired lately and it would take prob 8 stops to sleep just to make it down there, and then i have to turn back around on wed to come back.

and, we're not doing anything for new years either. nick has to work the next day, and regardless what we do we wouldn't be able to just go somewhere and stay there cause we would have to come back and take care of the dogs. and i don't want to be out driving around cause of the stupid people that drink and drive. so, again, just another day.

and i am not saying that i won't enjoy the time with nick when he is home, just that xmas morning/day, i will just be sitting there knowing that so many people will be having a great time with fam and friends. i was thinking maybe i'll go to a shelter and volunteer or something. just to keep my mind off of what i won't have and know that i'm at least doing something to make other people have a little bit merrier xmas.