taking care of me...

i'll just start off by saying that this post can be taken 2 ways: 1) as if i am very selfish and egotistical, or 2) that i finally figured out the trigger to a happier me, which in turn means a happier everything.

i feel like i'm on the right path. i feel somewhat empowered by the steps i've taken to look out for myself.
- i've put my foot down about things that i would have felt guilty about in the past.
- i've had to put aside my worries for other people in order to focus on myself.
- i've become more attentive to what works, and what doesn't.
- i know i've disappointed many from the way i have had to put them aside, but at the same time i feel like they understand and support me for taking charge of my life.
- i've had some disappointing moments, but have been able to work through them.
- i've wanted to quit, but reminded myself i can be strong and get through it.
- i've gone from crying all the time, to smiling all the time.
- i've realized that being selfish to take care of myself has made me a better person in so many more ways.
- i've realized when i feel good everything around me seems ok.
- i've realized when i feel good, my relationships with other people are better and more enjoyable.
- i've realized limiting what i do and what i worry about DOES take a huge weight off my shoulders.
- i've realized that when i look after myself, i am technically also looking out for other people - because they don't have to deal with a depressed, angry, and worrying person anymore.

and the list can go on and on.

i've had a lot of things challenge me lately. things that would typically get under my skin and that i would worry and think about 24/7. but, i feel good, and i focus on other things in order to get through it and put it aside. and if i can't put it aside, i make a decision right then and there about what needs to be done to take care of it.

for instance - work has thrown another wrench into my life. basically, to save you the time of details, this is what has transpired:
i have been told that i'm being put on another job (in addition to the 3 I currently have to take care of). it's another full time job that is further away than my main office. and when i say further away, i mean it would take me AT LEAST an hour and a half to get there from my house. and thats if i get lucky and don't hit traffic. so, with this being an additional job i have to take care of, they are now basically putting me into a managers position (without the pay increase i might add) and making me train someone to help out at the bridge. i'm fine with training someone, but i'm not fine with basically being a manager when i specifically stated to MY manager that i did not want that responsibility right now. and i'm kinda pissed i have to do managerial work without getting paid as a manager. so, anyhow. i put my foot down. i told them i have a schedule that i maintain in order to keep myself focused. and that they can't expect me to lengthen my day from about 10-11 hours to 14-15 hours because they're sending me to the middle of no where. they claim i should be ecstatic because i was "specifically requested" by this client - and don't get me wrong, it makes me feel good - but i'm only one person. so, i told them i would give them the same amount of time, and if it meant they paid me for my travel time, so be it, because i was still going to get paid at least 9 hours, and i wasn't going to lengthen my day. this sounds selfish, i know, but i'm to the point where i HAVE to stand up for myself and not let them run me down. i told them i also wasn't going to double my mileage on my car. so, how did that go? they said they would make my hours flexible, i would get paid 9 hours regardless, i will get a company car, and if i they had to they would pay for another gym membership over near the office that i would have to go to. i also told them that once i figure things out at this new job, then the person i train can go over there because its closer for him to be there and closer for me to be at the bridge. i'm glad i put my foot down! it felt soooo good to know that i stood up for myself! i don't feel bad telling them how things are going to work because i'm basically bringing in business for myself, which in turn means its their business, so i'm an asset. if i up and walked away they would be SOL on a lot of the work we do. i sound cocky, i'm sure. but looking at the big picture, i should have felt strong about myself all along. i'm worth it, and i'm finally realizing how to give myself the credit for which i deserve. and its not that i feel entitled to this stuff, but instead i feel like i've worked hard for it, and am finally drawing a line at how i will handle things.

so what did this do for me? i don't really care about the perks they just told me i could have. i care about the confidence that i just obtained from knowing i'm worth it. they obviously think so, and its about time i realized it. this has made me feel strong. its great to feel strong.

the way things have been going lately has just opened up a new me. nick and i are having a great time being together and being ourselves. i'm not fighting myself anymore - i'm conquering it. i don't feel tied down to being bipolar, i'm pushing through being bipolar. i'm doing things for myself, which in turn make my life more rewarding and fulfilled. i feel good about myself again. i am still very hard on myself about accomplishing certain things, but its more of me being my own competitor - what can i do to top that, make it better, or challenge myself a little more? thats how i feel. its great. i can be me again. i have my priorities figured out - take care of me. that's it, just take care of me. sounds very selfish, but it helps so many other aspects of my life, so i'm not afraid to say that is my priority. it helps me get through work, it helps me stand strong and not be run down, it helps my relationship with nick, it helps me be able to smile at all the stupid things again.

i know there have been some people/issues that i have turned my back to while i've been trying to figure things out for myself. the only thing i can try to do is now take this new me and add them back in one by one, figure things out one by one. i know the whole baby idea is something that will send me for a loop, but i know that i have figured out how to deal with things (i know normal things aren't like taking care of a kid), but i have to take all those steps and pull them together, and i think i will do just fine.

i'm realizing this blog has in a way broken away from the specifics of what i started it for - me changing meds and losing weight because of the want for a baby. so i'm considering starting a new one about my working out and eating better because that has become a big part of my life now. that way, i can keep this one about the steps towards having a kid and getting through it all. and on that note, things are going really between nick and i about what our plans are. and if i didn't know any better, i would think he's really excited about the thought now cause he gets kinda giddy about talking about it. it makes me laugh. love him!