the results....

first of all, last week did not go by nearly as fast at the previous one....but i had a GREAT weekend, so it makes up for it. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! he's the best! things have been going really well, and i feel like we've got a lot of our shit on track...that makes me feel a lot better and less anxious about stuff.

now, for the results.....official weight was 201.6 lbs.
so, great news, i lost just over 12 lbs since March 20th (5 weeks). so that's about 2.4 lbs a week - not too shabby.
but, there's bad news too....i don't think i won the challenge. if it were based on total weight lost, i def think i won. but instead, its based on total fat percentage lost, plus % gained of lean mass. why didn't i win that? well, its because of the approx 12 lbs, about 6 of it was fat mass lost and about 6 of it was lean mass lost. so, ultimately, since i basically lost the same amount of each, my fat mass % stayed about the same, and my lean mass % dropped = not good #s to win the challenge.

am i upset? well, depends what we're talking about. if it's that i didn't win the challenge - no, i'm not upset. if its that i feel like i've busted my ass and done everything i was told to do (to very specific measures, mind you) and ended up not having the % results i expected - then, yes, i am upset. but me being upset about that is not necessarily because of the #s - well, it is in a way, but not really....let me explain.

this whole baby thing. i've been kinda worked up about it lately. maybe i'm getting a little impatient, but part of me thinks i have reason to be. i have done everything that's been asked of me - i've busted my ass to lose weight so that the baby and i can both be healthy during and after pregnancy, i've changed my eating habits in order to maintain and help the weight loss that i've worked so hard for, i've changed my meds to make sure to be on one that has as little effect as possible on a baby, i've continued to push through work in order to maintain my job even though i hate it with a passion more times than not, i've struggled through ups and downs to stabilize my life and prepare for anything that could possibly happen, i've finally figured out a schedule that works for me and helps me maintain a good balance mentally and physically, i've stood up for myself at work in order to keep some sanity (which could be thrown off soon - a whole other story to that), i've just done everything that i can possibly do to prepare for this. so, it gets a little frustrating knowing that there are so many people having babies - whether they should or not - and they seem to be just fine and are able to figure things out regardless what the situation is, and regardless if it was planned or not. i'm tired of all the preparing for it, i just want it to happen now. if all these other people can make it work, then we can too! of course, i understand there are people who really shouldn't have kids because they don't know what they're doing or don't have the finances for it - but they do anyhow and they find a way to make it work (and i'm pretty sure its safe to say that nick and i are plenty capable of having a child if they can do it). so that's how i feel. i'm confident that nick and i are going to be very capable parents, i just get frustrated that we have to prepare for so much. i know its the responsible thing to do, but there's got to be a point where you draw the line and accept that things aren't going to be "perfect".

so, last week nick and i had a discussion about this whole baby thing again. i had gotten a little upset and flustered because of a few things. one being that i found out about another person who is going to have a baby - someone who is a complete asshole and compulsive liar. good for him that he's having one, because it's one of the best things that could happen in your life - but damnit, if he can figure out what to do to handle it, I CAN TOO! the other thing being - *potentially a TMI moment* - i all of a sudden have been having very random issues with my cycle. severe cramps on the last couple i had (which i usually don't have many cramps at all) and alot heavier and longer (they are usually light and short). then, i ended up having a random period 2 weeks into a new set of pills - NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN MY LIFE. if i've been on the pill, i always have regular cycles. if i haven't been on the pill, my cycles were always longer than normal - about 1.5 months apart. NEVER have i had numerous periods in less than a month! so i got a little wierded out by that and went to the doctor. basically, long story short on the doc visit and tests - it was most likely because of the pill. blood tests were fine, sonogram was fine. she suggested i see what the next month was like, and if it was still abnormal, then we would switch brands.
so those couple of things lead to "the talk" again. of course, nick didn't really want to talk about it - annoying to me because it's just something that HAS to be talked about. well, the first effort didn't get far at all. then he went camping with some of his friends - which during this trip he was hounded about having a kid by our good friend that recently found out they were expecting. so the day he got back, we had another "talk". this one actually got somewhere. now, i DID NOT bribe our friend to talk to him about it, it's something that he's hounded him about for a while. but i think that maybe something got to nick, because our friends were not really "expecting" this to happen so soon, so they hadn't really done anything to prepare for it - but ultimately its going to be serious reality in less than 9 months, so he's accepted the fact that they just have to adjust and make it work. then there was another friend of ours there that has been in the situation that him and his girlfriend had a kid pretty young and completely not ready for it at all, and now they have 2 kids and are happily married - he chimed in as well. so apparently they talked about alot of this stuff. i think this might have clicked something to really understand that things are never going to be "perfect".
so our talk that day got us to an agreement. nicks biggest concern is the health issue. knowing that we/i have done everything possible to limit any complications to myself or the baby due to health is his main concern. so he said that as long as i continue on this path and get to a healthier weight/fat percentage, then when i achieve that, we can try to have a kid.
so, i had 2 thoughts to that - 1) awesome! i'm doing so well, so i know i can get to that point! 2) wow, no pressure. everything just gets put on my shoulders - so, easier for him to give that offer than to understand what it feels like to have to work your ass off to make it happen.
but, it's something i knew i could get to, and with my bod pod being less than a week away, i knew my results were going to give me hope that i'm getting closer to that goal already.

well, after seeing the results yesterday, and knowing that the .5% fat loss was severely minimal to what was expected, my hopes were crushed that i was getting anywhere. was i losing weight, yes. was i getting to a healthier fat %, no, not really. so it was just very disheartening to see that and feel like i've done so much to get nowhere. so, that's why i was upset. i again felt that the thought of having a kid just keeps getting pushed further and further away, and i HATE the feelings that i work so hard and the goal i'm trying to reach is like a carrot on a stick.

but....there is a but....nick and i talked again. this is why i love him. he always does his best at trying to make me feel better - and it pretty much always works. but this time, it made me feel a lot better. i felt like he finally understood why i was fighting so hard, and why i was so upset that i felt like i wasn't getting anywhere. even though i know he "understood" why i started doing all of this, i think this was the first time that we had talked and i could tell that he REALLY appreciated what i was doing. i say this because he ended up saying that i don't have to be at a perfect weight/fat % for us to start trying for a kid. instead, he said that if i could give it a few more months of doing what i'm doing and making the effort i've been making, then we can start trying regardless what the numbers say. and he said he knew it would be ok because he knew that i wasn't going to just let everything go once i get pregnant. he knew that i was truely determined to live a better life, and so he feels comfortable enough to try without it all being planned and set in stone. THAT MADE ME FEEL SOOOO MUCH BETTER! not because he said we could try to have a kid soon, but because he acknowledged and appreciates the fact that i'm doing everything possible to make things better. and that he knows its not just a game to me. its a life style change that i don't regret, and wouldn't change back for the world. i feel sooo much better lately because of it. him and i get along so much better lately because i feel better. i'm happy because i'm taking care of things for me, which then reflect on other things around me. after all the tears he's seen from me being so hard on myself and setting such high expectations, he sees that i'm really putting forth the effort for us, and trusts that i'm going to continue to take the right steps and keep things better for us. and i am, i always will. i haven't felt this good in YEARS! prob since high school even.

so, after that, i was still a little upset because - as we know - i'm my toughest competitor, so i wish the results would have been better. but, i felt like the weight was lifted off my shoulders about the planning, and preparing, and reaching specific criteria, etc. i feel like now i can just do this just to do this, because its part of my life now. and everything else will just happen when it happens.

so what now? well, after talking to my trainer, i realized i need to tweak my eating a little bit in order to figure out a way to maintain my lean mass. he says that the body does what the body needs to do, so maybe the reason i lost the lean mass was because the body just didn't need it. but i have to start eating more protein and see how my body reacts - yay for protein shakes. AND, nick and i agreed i could come off the pill. that way, by the time my "system" gets back to normal in a few months, we can let life work the way its supposed to.

i'm a lucky girl, with a great husband!