at least i know there are others out there

i have started looking into some other bipolar blogs, and have found a handful that are actually very interesting. they are interesting in many different ways too. they have made me realize that i'm not the only one. i have constantly talked to people about being bipolar, but i have never talked and discussed with anyone else who is bipolar, so it opens my mind to some new understanding - and some new questions as well.
they help me understand that there are many different ways to react to and get through some of the tough times. some of those tough times are easier than what i'm used to, but some are harder. i at least can come to an understanding that my reactions aren't out of the ordinary and that there are many people who go through the same ups/downs, feelings of being able to do anything, feelings of not wanting to do anything, feelings of losing every bit of your life, feelings of regaining strength to find your life, etc.
i have read almost all of their posts, and i would say that over 3/4ths of them i either laugh at or sit and nod because i totally understand. i don't laugh at them because i think it's funny that they have been through or are going through tough or good times - instead i laugh because i realize the "normal" side of being "not normal" and feel like finally i have found someone that understands and maybe i'm not crazy, or at least we can be crazy together. and i nod at most of them because i can sit here and say "yep, been there, done that" or "that is soooo true".
some questions that i end up asking are "will i ever have to go through that?", "why did that seem so much harder for me?", "why did that seem so much easier for me?", "what can i do to help them?", "why do i, or anyone for that matter, have to even deal with this in the first place?", "how would i react to that if it happened to me?", "why can't people understand what we go through?", etc.

it scares me to think that i can try so hard to take care of this and try to make my world/life "normal", but everything could still just topple over like no effort was there to begin with. there are so many things that i know i haven't dealt with in life that completely freak me out about what my reaction would be and that i wouldn't be able to get through them. one of the main things is that i worry about when my parents die, what will i do? how will i get through that? right now, i can have a great day but at any random moment i could just sit and think about my grandma and i start to cry because i wish i could have done something to help her a little more, or i wish that she could have been around long enough to see some of her great grandchildren, or i wish i could know that she really understood how much she meant to me. because back then, i wasn't "mature" enough to really be able to get those emotions across. and i worry now that when my parents die, i will not have done everything i can to make them realize how much i appreciate them, because i know i could not have gotten through everything without them. i don't know if i can make it the rest of the way without them, i just know i will fall in a black hole. and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not just my parents i think about. i worry about if something happened to my sister, or my neice/nephew, or my husband, etc....i get so scared about not being able to get through it. all sorts of scenarios run through my head, and i can't figure out a way to believe that i can handle it if it happens.
then another thing i constantly think about is how will i handle being pregnant and having kids. it's one of the things i want most, but it scares me to death! will i be able to stay stable through pregnancy? what about after? i've already been told that i have a very high chance of falling into a deep depression post partum because of my general emotional status, so how will i be able to get through it? will i be a total failure to my kids because i can't get through "normal" things, or handle stressful days?

i'm not in a depressed mood right now and i'm actually feeling pretty good about everything, but these things still scare me. and reading about others experiences make me question even more how i will handle it.

if any of you who have bipolar blogs read this, please understand that i truely appreciate you sharing your experiences, because as much as it scares me, it at least makes me think about it and somewhat prepare myself or try to find a sense of understanding about certain aspects of this "disease".