a little bit of a downer

this is probably gonna sound a little lame, but it's how i feel, so i have to accept that.

so, this crossfit stuff. the trainer there is a really great guy. very encouraging, very nice and outgoing. his girlfriend is there all the time too, either working out or helping him with things. they are a really nice couple and nick and i get along with them really well. so, here's the lame part - i friended them on facebook, and looking at their profiles and pictures, i'm somewhat jealous. i'm not jealous of them as a couple or as individual people - i'm jealous because it is clear that they are very easygoing and very free with the way they live their lives. they do what they want to do, they have fun, they go out and try new things, they have close friends that they seem to really have a good time with, etc. In some ways, i think i could say it's more of a respect for them, as opposed to jealousy. i feel like they live the way i used to live before all this bipolar mess. they live the way i wish i could live now. i wish i could not always worry about things and not worry about going out because i don't want to open a door to feeling upset or causing problems. i respect them for knowing who they are and being just that. now, i haven't sat down and had an indepth conversation with them so i'm sure they have their problems, but it's just the fact that you can see it in the way they approach things that it's more of a "well lets give it a shot and see what happens" as opposed to "that might not work out too well, so i'd rather not". i hate saying that i used to be the the first and now i have to claim the later. and a big thing that i respect him for is that he is doing what makes him happy. he started his own gym, and even though it's tough to get started and keep up with things, you can see it everyday he's there that he truely enjoys what he's doing and is happy with the decision he made.

so that's my lame feelings. i wish i could be the fun loving free spirited person i used to be. i wish i could still feel like i could pick up the phone and call any one of my friends to see if they want to go out on the spur of the moment, and actually have them be interested in doing so. i know i have good friends that would do that, but they are very few and far between now, and most the time i make myself believe that they probably don't feel like it, so i usually don't even bother. it's usually just me and nick, simply because he's basically the only person i feel 100% comfortable around all the time. i know he will spend time with me whether i'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between. and sometimes i don't think it's fair to nick to have to deal with me, because i know he has a fun loving and free spirited heart - i just know that most of the time he has to put the fun aside and be strong for me because of the way i am. he makes up for the confidence i typically lack, and makes up for the strong person i used to be. i hate that he can't enjoy things like he should. it's just not fair to the both of us.

and now, something else. i cried this morning. i cried because i saw a picture that they took of me working out yesterday, and i hated what i saw. i haven't changed at all in the past 1.5 months, yet i'm working harder now more than ever before. i don't feel the way i look. i feel smaller, but i get reassurance that's not the case when i see that pic. now i can feel it around my face, and in my stomach that i'm still heavy. i actually feel like i've gotten bigger since the tri, but ironically i have lost 5 pounds and have also dropped a pants size. so why am i still this big? i eat better now then i ever have before. i'm on a pretty regular diet, but still allow for the different stuff here and there. sometimes i even think i'm not eating enough because i lose every bit of energy i have, so why am i still so big? i eat more protein, less carbs, more veggies, no soda, tons of water, and it feels like nothing is working or changing. why does it have to be this hard?! and then this circles back around to what i was talking about earlier - i never used to have to worry about this. when i was laid back and having a good time, i never worried about how i looked because i was always on the go and not sitting around and eating all the time. i was in shape, and yes i did have to work really hard at one point to get that way, but it was smooth sailing after that - all up until the bipolar part.

i hate this. i hate that i can feel so good the past few days, and then just wake up and start crying and not want to go to work. feeling that way when i wake up, and then knowing that i have to come to work to deal with the BS i deal with, it doesn't make for a good outlook on the day. i'm not happy right now. i was very happy the past few days, but that picture just didn't do me any good. it's very frustrating.