i screwed up.....

.....apparently. i didn't know i was doing it, but it apparently is my fault. well, technically it is my fault, but it was not done intentionally.

i went to my johns hopkins doctor yesterday to talk to her about everything thats been going on. i knew what the outcome was going to be...more meds. but she tried to make it seem like it wasn't a "step back" because they are temporary meds on an as needed basis. she gave me anti-anxiety stuff. my problem lately hasn't been a manic episode, it's actually been an depressive one - and it's not like most. so that's why i decided to go see her cause i was trying so hard to take care of it myself, but i clearly wasn't getting anywhere. nick asked me to go a few days ago, but i told him i didn't want to cause i knew it would mean more medicine - i just hoped that i could take care of it on my own - but i couldn't.

so, she gave me the prescription, i took it to get filled, but it was going to take too long to wait on it, so i just decided i would pick it up after work. went to work....and kept thinking about EVERYTHING. and this wasn't one of those times that things are racing through my head and i can't even focus on it. it was more of a slow motion pace and i would think about one thing, analyze it, and then move to the next. and i was thinking about EVERYTHING. i just feel like i've been working so hard to make things perfect and get everything taken care of, but i feel like i'm not getting anywhere.
- i try so hard at work, yet there doesn't seem to be a certain "point" that i'm getting to. i haven't gotten a raise in 3 years, yet they've told me i've done an amazing job on the jobs we've had in those 3 years, and i work like a mule with nothing but more expected from me. there's no "i did it" point for me.
- i've been working hard to lose weight and be healthy, but it seems to be at a standstill. i'm doing this so i can be healthy, and hopefully provide a healthy life for my kids whenever it is that i have them, but that just seems to keep getting pushed further and further away. so i don't feel like i'm any closer to that step in my life than i was way before i had even met nick.
- i've been trying so hard to get all my meds worked out and stable, but i keep getting pushed back into a dark pit, and i can't figure out why...or if i feel like i know why, i just don't know how to fix it. so i don't feel like i can get to an "i did it" moment with that either.

i just feel like i'm failing. or that any time i reach a point that i should be able to pat myself on the back and that i finally made it to the halfway mark, i then feel like i'm having to start the marathon all over again because the goal gets pushed even farther.

so, i just kept thinking. and we all know what happens when i just sit and think. so needless to say it went downhill pretty fast. i was thinking about the fact that nick and i are trying to make things perfect so that everything is taken care of. me fixing my meds, me losing weight, him getting off his meds, paying off the credit card, us fixing up the house to be able to sell it and move, us wanting to move and be settled in a more comfortable home before we have a kid, trying to figure out when we should have a kid...etc.etc.etc. so i just started getting upset because i felt like i can't say i'm anywhere close to accomplishing any of that. and then i kept asking myself "why does it all have to be perfect? there are so many people who don't have things "perfect", yet they figure out a way to make it. so why do we have to sit down and plan everything out and have things "just right" in order to take the next step?". i honestly feel like we have gone above and beyond what most people would even consider taking care of in order to make sure things are better for us down the road and for our kids, but i feel like there's no end in sight to that. as if what we try to do now is never enough. there's always gonna be something else, and if we try to make it all perfect that something else will never stop.

so, i got done with work and was heading to work out. i called nick just to try to get some of the stuff off my mind. well, i know things have been hard on him. he doesn't know what to do with me more than half the time. and i know when i've been on a spiral for a couple weeks that it is very straining on him....BUT, he is my shoulder. i don't have another Nick. i don't have another person that is my go to for anything and everything. there's no one else that has to deal with me 24/7 and that i HAVE to make decisions with. so when it comes to talking about stuff that i feel like we need to talk about together, i have to go to him. well, clearly yesterday was not the day to do that. i started telling him everything i was thinking. about how i feel like we're never going to get to a point where we feel like things are "right". and of course, i started crying. well, his response was "you need to chill the fuck out". that was NOT good. then he started getting mad at me for always being upset and thinking about these things. that was NOT good. so i told him that the last thing i need is for him to get upset with me when i need to just get things off my mind and let him know how i'm feeling. well, he didn't stop. and then he said "melissa, when you've been acting the way you've been acting the past couple of weeks...i don't want to have a kid with you". NOT GOOD. the first part of that sentence, i totally understand why he feels that way. but the second part is what i REALLY heard, especially feeling the way i was feeling. so i hung up. there was no way i could continue talking to him after he said something like that. even if he didn't mean it in a harsh way, it came accross as such and i couldn't handle talking to him because it just felt like someone had kicked me in my chest. so he would call me, and i would ignore it. i wasn't going to answer. i wasn't going to entertain that comment. i didn't even want to think about the fact that he made that comment...so i ignored it. he called and called, and i still ignored it. he texted me and said that if i didn't answer that he would leave work and come find me...i didn't believe him, i just thought that was his way of trying to get me to answer. so i still didn't answer. i made it to the gym and was able to text him to tell him that i just couldn't talk to him after hearing that. that our conversation would go no where but down, really fast. well, eventually i answered right before i was going into the gym. he was pissed. he said he had left work because he was worried about me doing something to myself. he thought i wasn't answering because something was wrong. that just pissed me off. yes, last week when i was at work and he called to check up on me, yes...i thought to myself that if i weren't here then i wouldn't have to worry about things. and yes, when i talked to him that night i told him that is what i thought when he called me. that i just feel like it would be easier. but i wouldn't act on it...i don't know why he really thought i would act on that. i thought he kept calling me just because he was being as stubborn as i was. that's why i didn't answer...not to make him think i was going to do something stupid.

well, i got home and we didn't talk. i took an hour long shower just to stay away from him. i gotout, took my meds, and when straight to bed at 7pm. still didn't talk to each other. i slept for about 2 hours. and then i just couldn't take it anymore. i went downstairs and just said "i don't know what else i'm supposed to do". well, he was pissed. more pissed than i've ever seen him. and that didn't help things cause now i felt bad that he took things the way he did. and it was my fault. i had no intentions of things turning out that way, but it was my fault because i am the way i am. i can't let things go. i can't just give him a chance to breath. he thinks i'm not happy with him, but that's not it. i'm very happy with him. i'm above and beyond happy with him. i just still have those things in life that i want, that i have ALWAYS wanted. he asked me if i thought having a kid was going to "fix things". that killed me. i told him i have not once ever made any sort of statement that could make him believe that my intentions of having a kid were to "fix things". i will never be "fixed". i will always have to fight, there's no getting around that. even for normal everyday people a kid is NOT a fix. they don't make you smile all the time, but it's more often than not, and the times they do are worth every second. i told him i've always wanted a kid because i feel like i have something inside of me that says i would be a good mother, a great mother. i have an urge that just tells me that is going to be one thing that i am meant for. i told him that my intentions were not to have a kid so i could play dressup and change daipers for fun. but it's because i've always felt like it's something i'm supposed to do. i have always looked out for everyone else, always been a mom to anyone around me...it's just in me. but, i guess recently i have started to question if i can handle it. can i really be a good mom if i have the issues i do? nick seems to constantly remind me of that. and i know he's scared. i'm scared as hell too. but it's a fight that i'm going to fight. it's something that i feel is 120% worth it. it's something that will make me happy because even when the kid cries all night, fusses all day, or smiles at me the right way, i can say it is a fight worth fighting. the other things that i've been fighting for, i haven't been fighting for it for me. work - i don't do that for me. i do it for the company. i don't LOVE it, it's just something i'm expected to do because that's how society makes it seem. losing weight - i do it for me, my future kids, and to some extent i don't do it for me. i don't do it for me in the sense that it's what your supposed to do because society makes it seem like you will never be good enough. but i do it for me and my future kid, and nick, in order to try and make things easier and better. but right now i feel like i'm failing at that.

i don't know....yesterday was just a mess. we didn't get anything accomplished with our talk last night. he just didn't want to talk. he was mad. i kept telling him i had no intentions of him taking things that way, but he did and i didn't know what to do to make him realize he didn't need to worry. he told me he couldn't forgive me for it...but i had no idea what i wasn't being forgiven for....because i couldn't talk to him anymore because i would just become more of a basket case? i think he was just mad that he thought what he did in the first place, and it scared him...and technically it is my fault because it's all because i am the way i am...even if i didn't mean for anything to happen.

so, i'm not all cheery today to say the least. he didn't really want to say anything to me this morning. that scares me. i texted him to ask if we were ok and to tell him that i was really trying to get things taken care of. he called and said we were fine, but it still scares me. i don't want him to hate me, or be mad at me. i don't mean to do the things i do, and i don't mean for him to worry the way he does. but i do know it's hard on him. i told him i'm gonna try to let things go, and not let them work me up anymore. but it's not an overnight thing. i've been working and fighting for over 7 years now. it's not easy. i will never be cured. i will always have it, and it can cause problems no matter how hard i try to stop it.

so, again, i ask myself "can i really handle being a mom?". i think i've started to question it a lot lately. and i think the thought of not being able to just tears me up. i know i have it in me, but for some reason "me" won't allow me to get to that point.