warning! this is going to be the longest post ever!

so, its been a while. and honestly, i think its cause i just don't like facing the truth. i've been up and down again...mostly down though. i thought i was in the clear after all my meds had balanced out, and i was working out and felt like i was getting somewhere with it. but, just all of a sudden it hit me again, and i felt like everything i was doing was wrong, or not good enough. it has been mostly with work, but that of course just trickles down into everything else, and then the spiral begins.

i feel like every time i finally feel like i'm getting caught up with work, they throw something else at me and i get overwhelmed once again. and listen, i know that "that is life and how the real world works", but i am not lucky enough to be able to deal with "life" like every other normal person does. i'm sorry, but i can try as hard as i want, and i still feel the way i do - i can't just make it stop or change it, cause if i could i would have done it a LONG time ago. so, i just start telling myself that everything i'm doing is not good enough and i might as well quit. i feel like i can't even get one thing done 100% before another thing comes at me. i'm already working on 2 big projects (technically 3 because one of them is 2-part) and i just don't feel like i can do more. No, I DON'T WANT TO DO MORE! there, i said it. for the first time in my life i admit that I WANT TO BE SELFISH. there, that feels better. i am accepting that i need to take care of myself and do what's best for ME, so that means not allowing them to pile more and more on me. but wait, it's not that easy, now is it?! in my mind i hate them for even asking me to work on something else. because i can't say NO to them, and they know it. so then i say yes to taking on more work, and then all of the projects i work on start kicking into high gear at the same time, and i freak out and feel so overwhelmed. then i think about how i knew that was going to happen and kick myself for not saying no when i knew i wanted to.

i don't want to be an overachiever anymore. but now they're used to it, so why wouldn't they look to me to do more. so of course, i see their side and don't blame them....i blame myself for ever setting myself up for that. but then again, i used to thrive on doing EVERYTHING. but, thinking about it now, that was also when i was typically manic, so i thought i could do everything and take on the entire world. now, i'm leveled out. i don't have the energy, or drive that i had when i was manic. so now i don't want to do it anymore, and i've been tearing myself up on how i'm supposed to look at them and tell them no. i feel like if i tell them no that i would be letting them down and i would feel guilty for doing it. so, there it is, the vicious cycle...do you follow it? i want to take care of myself and make sure i have my time and not overdo myself anymore, but i feel guilty if i tell them i won't take on more work because i need to have MY time and just take care of things that are already on my plate, and then i think about what they will think of me and feel like i let them down...etc etc etc.

i can't even explain what i'm thinking right now. i feel like the entire last paragraph didn't even make sense. yet another thing i can't do right now. i honestly feel like i can't even function. i had to prepare for some attorneys to come in last friday and look at documents for one of our jobs, and i didn't know what to do. my boss wasn't in the office, so i couldn't ask him. i couldn't make a decision, i felt like there was something wrong with everything i was trying to figure out. how was i going to work this out? did i need to have breakfast for them? did i need to set up lunch? did they expect me to sit there while they're going through everything? were they going to grill me on everything about the docs? was the conference room going to be set up right? did i need to worry about bringing the couple hundred of binders to them, or do i make them go get the ones they needed on their own? ugh, it just kept on and on and on. i lost it thursday night. i just started crying. this was like the 100th time i had cried in a 2 weeks time. i honestly don't know how i came up with tears, there was no way my body could produce more.i had cried so much the week before cause i felt like i was letting them down. then i cried because i was mad that they put me in the position to feel like i was letting them down.

we had 2 huge blizzards back to back, so basically our entire area was immobile because we are NOT used to 40+ inches of snow falling within a weeks time. so i couldn't get anywhere. after the first one nick and i drove down to DC to take my sisters dog back to her and i had a panic attack from the drive down there. the roads were horrible, the drivers were worse, there was ice everywhere, a car spun out about 5 cars in front of us, people were swerving in and out trying to get past you and all of a sudden their lane stopped because of a pile of snow and they felt like it was ok to just swerve into your lane like you weren't even there. i wasn't even driving and i had a panic attack! i'm surprised i didn't rip the handle off my door cause i was holding onto it so hard. by the time we made it down there, i felt like i was going to throw up. i got into my sisters house and just started balling. uncontrollable crying because i was freaked out so bad. i had to lay down on the way back just so i couldn't see what was going on. i certainly didn't fall asleep cause i was still very nervous, but i at least didn't have to watch everything. so, i felt like an idiot for being that worked up about it, but it made me not even want to go anywhere in a car for the entire week cause we got another 20+ inches after the first 20+ inches. nick was using my car cause he HAD to go to work, being a fire fighter, and i had brought some work home with me the week before when i knew i could very well not be able to get into work that week. so i worked from home, trying to be a good employee. well, tuesday i get a call from someone at my office saying that i had a meeting wed morning with someone at the office...1 - why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me first? 2 - um, we're about to get shit on by another 20+ inches of snow tuesday night and wed morning, so exactly how am i supposed to get in there? so i told her i couldn't get anywhere. she called me back and now told me that it was changed to friday morning...1- why is someone scheduling me for a meeting without asking me? 2 - it's been 4 days since the last snow fall and the roads are so shitty that no one can get around, so why do you think that 2 days after ANOTHER 20+ inches is going to be any better for me to get there? so she told me it was "weather permitting". seriously, weather permitting. i already know it's not going to be bad weather on Fri, the issue is NOT weather, it's that the roads are not going to be ready to drive on, i couldn't even get out of my neighborhood if i wanted to. so i cried and cried wednesday and thursday because i just couldn't get myself pulled together to even think about driving. so now i felt like i was going to let them down. called my manager to tell him i wasn't gonna be able to make it, i felt like he was putting me on a guilt trip, so i cried even more. then i cried friday cause i found out the guy still showed up at the office even though i had left him 3 messages stating that i was not going to be there and we could reschedule. so i cried some more because now this other guy was going to think i was unreliable. ugh, i hate dealing with this shit.

then, because i am so emotional and feel like i can't do anything right, i'm crying all the time to nick and then i start feeling like i'm bothering him. he constantly tries to tell me that i'm worrying over nothing, but i won't accept it. he tells me i'm doing great at my job, but i won't accept it. finally he breaks down and say "just quit" - and i honestly want to, but i won't. i just drown myself in my own misery. and i do it to myself, and i know i do, but i can't make it stop.

so then, because i felt like i let everyone down because of the snow week issue, i tell my manager that i was going to work on presidents day even though it was a holiday, in hopes to make up some points and take the target off my head. i show up at my job at the bridge at 7am, as i was pulling up he asks me if i could work in the snow removal ops center that our company was helping out with. i asked when, he said from noon that day to 6am the next. UGH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i have plenty of things i need to take care of at the bridge, and now i'm supposed to do that and go work for 18 hours over night to sit and wait for emails to pop up about roads that haven't been plowed?! god, can things be any more aggrivating right now???!!!! but i said yes, because i can't say no. and hopefully after this the target will be 100% gone and they won't think about me not coming in on fri. so, i spent 2.5 hours at the bridge trying to take care of things that i had missed during the snow week, then i drove back to my house to get stuff for the night, then drove an hour away to go sit in a room with no windows, starring at a computer screen waiting for emails to randomly pop up...oh the joy! now, we were only supposed to work 12 hour shifts, so it was supposed to be from noon till midnight, but he asked me to work till 6am cause he had to find someone to replace me. well things were so slow that the people sent me home at 12:3oam. here goes another round of crying...

on my way home i was freaked out because that night it had snowed again, but only a enough to have a thin layer on the roads - not enough for plowing. so i was driving slow. i called nick to let him know i was on my way home cause if something happened no one would think about it till after 6am cause i wasn't supposed to be on the road till then. well, the phone just rang and rang...so aggrivating! god forbid something happen to me, no one would be able to get ahold of him!. so, i just kept driving, thinking to myself "this is gonna be a long drive home" cause it was normally an hour drive in good weather, but it had snowed so i wasn't gonna push my luck. so i'm driving and all of a sudden a lexus SUV comes FLYING past me - so fast that it shook my car (as if an 18 wheeler had flown by). it freaked me out! i looked at my spedometer and thought he was going AT LEAST 90 mph. i was thinking to myself i should call the cops cause this guy was either gonna hurt someone else or was gonna wreck himself...but just as i was thinking that i see another set of head lights flying up behind me in the next lane over. i was like "sweet, this has got to be a cop and i hope he goes to pull him over cause that's rediculous!". well, yep, it was a cop. he was in the next lane over and was about to pass me when he turned his lights on, so i pulled over into the farther lane to make sure i was outta the way....well he pulled over too! he started flashing his light at me, i tried to pull over but there was no shoulder to pull onto, so i was just rolling along trying to find somewhere out of the roadway to stop, but there was so much snow there wasn't a spot in sight! he pulled next to me and started yelling at me telling me to cross BACK OVER the 4 lane highway to the OTHER shoulder....WHAT?! 1- why are you pulling ME over? 2- why do i have to play frogger and try to dodge the traffic to get to the other shoulder?! so i eventually made my way accross thinking to myself "what just happened? there is no way i was speeding because i'm so scared to drive in this that i could pee myself, so why is this dude pulling me over?!". i stopped, got out my license, he came to my window and advised me he was pulling me over for speeding. i know the look on my face must have been the dumbest look ever. i gave him my license and i was still digging for my registration when he asked if i knew how fast i was going. i said "yes, like 60 mph". he said "mam, you were doing 70 in a 55". WHAT?! YOU'RE CRAZY! and i told him that it must have been the lexus suv that just went flying past me right before then. well, i was having trouble finding my license cause it was dark, i was tired, and somewhat in shock that i was just pulled over. he eventually just asked where i was coming from and where i worked. i told him i was coming from the county snow ops center and that i worked for a construction consultant. i then realized he prob asked me that cause i had on my fire department sweatshirt. so he went back to his car and came back and said i got a warning but i needed to slow down cause it wasn't the lexus speeding cause he had paced me doing the 70 mph. you paced me? really? you pulled up behind me just as fast as the lexus did, and you immediately turned your lights on...how is that pacing?! anyhow, i got back on the road and, yes you guessed it...started crying. not sure why cause i didn't get a ticket. i was tired, i was frustrated, i was in shock, i was upset that nick wouldn't answer the phone, i was upset that i had to work that night anyhow, i was upset that i hated my job, i was upset that i felt like i was letting everyone down....everything, it just made me cry. so i got home, went to bed at 2am. woke up at 6 to let my manager know that they sent me home early and not to worry about sending anyone else over there. well, guess what...remember how he said he would have someone replace me at 6am? HE HADN'T EVEN CALLED ANYONE ELSE YET!!!!!!!!! so if they hadn't sent me home, i would still be there just hanging high and dry! UGH, PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE! then he "gave me permission" to sleep a couple more hours and head back to the bridge for work. thanks douchebag, i appreciate being "given permission" to get at least 6 hours of sleep before i go back to work. god, i hate EVERYTHING at this point!

so i went back to sleep. woke up 2 hours later. got ready for work. nick was downstairs when i was about to leave....and again, i started crying cause i just didn't understand why it was that everything i did clearly was never enough. i was tired, pulled 5 different ways at all times, and all i wanted to do was take time for me. but nope, i'm up and at it again because "that's life". well, everyone who has ever said that to me can kiss my ass. it's NOT life to be miserable. and yes, i may be the main cause of my misery, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm miserable and that i need to find a way to change that. so i cried, and cried...i finally just picked up my stuff to leave, still crying, headed out the door...and i fell on the steps on the way out! OH MY GOD!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! one thing after another! even if it's just small things, it's still one thing after another and i'm am done! i cannot mentally take this anymore! i came back inside and broke down crying harder than i was before. not because i was hurt from falling, but because i was just a mess. a mental mess. i hated work. i hated feeling the way i did. i hated not being able to get the guts to stand up for myself, and i hated feeling guilty when i convinced myself i should be selfish, i hated being such a problem for nick, i hated everything! again, i picked up my stuff and just walked out, got in my car, and sped off - still crying. i made it to work, i hated every minute, every second, every breath i was taking. nick called to check on me. he said "i just wanted to make sure you're still alive". my response was "yeah". my thought though was "i wish i wasn't". yes, i really wished i wasn't i wouldn't have to worry about all this if i just wasn't here. i wouldn't have to make decisions, i wouldn't have to feel guilty, i wouldn't have to be overwhelmed, i wouldn't feel bad for making nick deal with me, i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.

ok, this has been the longest post ever, as promised, but sadly it has to be continued cause i just can't think straight right now.