the never ending post...continued

so i left off at the part where i basically hate life. and i do. i feel like no matter how hard i try, it always ends up with me crying.

so, as of the last part, i had gotten you from 2 weeks ago when the blizzards started, up to last tuesday after my shitty night on snow email watch. so, tuesday at work was no better. i didn't want to be there, i was fuming the entire time. i wanted to yell at everyone here because they were acting just like they always did, so with me being in the mood i was just made it worse. but i just kept to myself and got through 6 hours and went home. it was another night of crying and talking to nick, who again told me - in a very nasty and surrenduring way - to just quit cause he couldn't take it any more. so i cried even harder cause now it's causing problems between the 2 of us. i know he supports me in everything i do, and i know he thinks i'm great at my job - and he tells me that - but me being so miserable rubs on him and i know he feels helpless sometimes too. considering that he is my "go to guy" for everything, it makes me even more upset that now i'm deteriorating the one constant shoulder i have to lean on. and i know people will say "well you have plenty of friends that would be there to listen" etc, but it's not that easy. i know i have friends i can talk to, but i still feel guilty making them deal with me. just like i feel guilty knowing nick has to deal with me.

so the next day i ended up picking up a friend from work to go into the office. she is my work "go to person". i laid everything out for her and she said that i have every right feeling what i'm feeling and that if i sit down and really think about what i want and figure out that i just can not handle the pressure from work, then that's that - i need to do something to change it. so, it was a good talk, but i of course still had stuff running through my mind.

well, i had to go into our main office that day for the rescheduled meeting - that i didn't schedule to begin with, remember? so, the guy showed up and i helped him the best i could with what he needed. i then worked on ANOTHER job that i was asked to help with (i was asked prior to the blizzard to help with this job that they had dropped the ball on). so i was trying to get them caught up with that. then i got the email about the lawyers wanting to come and look at documents on fri...so i had no choice but to say yes, and spend yet again another day away from the bridge where there was plenty of stuff i needed to get caught up on.

so thursday was just another day of catching up on stuff at the bridge. i finally got to work out thursday afternoon - the blizzards and craziness of work kept me from working out, which totally threw off my routine. and then thursday night i cried again over the overwhelming feeling about the lawyers coming.

so i went into fri morning very flustered. did what i had to do to get them settled and showed them where everything was. my boss was there that day. i had to talk to him about some of the stuff the lawyers were asking about, and then he did it....he asked the question....."how are you doing?". my answer to him was "you are going to make me cry". i've stated in previous posts how i can talk to my boss very freely and tell him exactly whats on my mind. and while i had no intention of sitting him down and telling him how i feel, he asked the question and i just started pouring everything out - my thoughts and my tears. i told him i couldn't take it anymore. it was too much pressure and too overwhelming to be expected to be THE person to do this type of stuff. and that i used to live and breath this work, but i don't anymore because i've realized i have to take care of myself, etc, etc, etc. he was actually very open to everything i was saying and seemed to understand every bit of it. and when i said i told him everything on my mind, i did just that. about how i felt about my manager and how ever since i was put under him instead of dealing directly with my boss that i seemed to have more problems than not. i told him how i don't want to be the "fall back person" anymore. i was always the person they could count on if something needed to get done, i would always say yes....but i didn't want to be that person anymore. i told him i wanted to work on the projects i already had on my plate, work my 45 hours a week, and be done with it, because the rest is my time. i HAVE to do that. i have NEVER told them that before - i have NEVER told them no. so i finally told him that and he said "ok". he said he doesn't understand why i get so worked up and worried over everything because he has never heard a single complaint about me or the work i do. he said all he hears is compliments about everything i do, and that there is no reason for me to feel like i'm letting anyone down. but i told him that i felt that if i start saying no to doing all the extra stuff, then i will feel guilty for not helping out. and of course he told me not to worry about it, but come on, lets be real...i'm gonna worry no matter what. i told him i knew that the way i thought about things was what the main problem was, but it doesn't mean i can just change it. and that taking time for me and making sure i take care of myself is my way of trying to get control of feeling ok about everything. he said "ok". so, i walked away feeling much better than i did before, but i was still flustered just cause i hate having to even worry about dealing with this type of stuff. i know i'm very lucky to have a boss like i do though, cause lord knows i would have lost my job anywhere else if i talked to most people like i do him.

so, friday ended decently. i was just worked up in general, but i didn't cry anymore. it's monday and i actually haven't cried since - although i partially wanted to on saturday night. my good friend from home was in town and i went to meet up with her and her guy "friend". i feel totally comfortable talking to her, but it seemed kinda awkward when we were out to dinner. i just feel like things were a little overwhelming, but i chalk it up to having had a rough week and being a little frazzled about everything anyhow. needless to say, i slightly wanted to cry after we left cause i felt like things were just weird, but i didn't cause i just didn't have the energy to think or worry about it.

but i'm realizing that i might not be quite as stable as i thought. or maybe being thrown off my routine for a couple weeks just did me in, but needless to say, it wasn't good. i still feel crappy now, and i am still thinking about a lot of stuff. i'm jealous that nick has a job that he enjoys, i'm jealous that other people don't have to deal with the thought craziness that i have to - cause they don't understand, i'm jealous that people who shouldn't have kids do and mad that people who should can't, i'm angry cause i try to do everything i can to feel better yet i'm always miserable anyhow...i'm just bummed. i need to get to the next step. i need to move, rearrange work, find something else to keep me occupied, i want to have a kid - but clearly right now isn't the best time, and i wonder if there ever will be a good time, i just need a change and i need to look out for myself....but i need this mental crap to go away!

so, that's how i've been the past month...