true feelings suck, but its reality

so, its been a week i guess since i updated. there are 2 reasons why i have stalled on the update: 1 - i was back home for easter vacation, and 2 - because i have been trying to think of the best way to sum up some of my frustrations.

easter vacation was GREAT! didn't really have any plans while we were there, so we just went with the flow of things...and i realized i need to do that more often because it feels so much better. we got to see my niece play in her last soccer game of the season, we took some of the dogs out to the beach at sunrise, i got to be creative and paint a painting, we had easter dinner (which i thoroughly enjoyed because it was my cheat meal so i got to eat mac n cheese AND squash casserole), and we did a bunch of other random stuff. but it felt good because we kept busy the entire time, but had fun while doing it. i think we watched a total of 5 hours of TV the entire vacation. nick and i even got in a couple of crossfit workouts, so i didn't feel really guilty about not being on top of my "game"...and i still ate really well too (but i did gain a couple pounds, not sure why - oh well). but all in all, we had a great time - with exception of the 12 hour drive home.

so, the next thing...my frustrations. well, there are 2 things that have been "bothering" me. one is that i found out last week that our really good friends found out their having a baby. i am ecstatic for them, so happy for them, they will be GREAT parents, they will be perfect. it was kinda "unexpected", but more of a "we didn't think it would happen this soon". so they have had a rough time with the sudden "wow, this is really happening" aspect. its mostly because she just started a new job, and they've been trying to do major renovations on their house - so they don't know what to really do right now. but, i'm not bothered that they are having a kid...like i said, i am ecstatic for them. i think i'm just a little jealous. its the honest truth. just cause i want one soooo bad, but its just "not the right time yet". EVERYONE i know is or has already had a baby...so i'm just getting antsy. i want to have that "yay!" feeling. but i guess i just have to wait.

the other thing is aggrivation about something that i shouldn't let bother me, but it does. weight loss. not mine, but other people trying to do it. i know i need to be supportive, lord knows i've needed it...but there's a difference in supporting someone who is really and truely making an effort to change things, and someone who goes through the motions and says they want to do it but ALWAYS finds a reason why it just isn't working. i'm not a miracle worker...i'm a hard worker. i have not just all of a sudden dropped the weight just because i said i wanted to...i dropped it because i've worked my ass off. i decided that i wanted to do it, and i did it. i can't give any more advice other than it takes hard work, consistency, a want to change, a will to change, and an understanding that its going to be difficult. have i had my pouty moments - yes. have i cried because i didn't feel like i was getting anywhere - yes. do i have days that i feel like a failure - yes. have i had "cheat"days, and sometimes down right "bad"days - yes. do i typically ache somewhere on my body EVERY day - yes. has nick probably wanted to plug his ears so he didn't have to listen to me cry/whine anymore - yes. do i still cry because i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere - yes. but, have i given up - no. have i made excuses - no. did it happen over night - no. have i drastically changed my perspective and priorities - yes. i don't know what other advice i can give without being down right rude to make people realize that my success hasn't come without feelings of failure, hardwork and tears. so it gets kind of bothersome when someone wants to do what you've done, and have the success, without being willing to do the work. it just takes all the hard work i've put in and throws it in my face as if things "just happened to work out for me". no, i earned it. i know i haven't done everything perfect. i know certain things work better for certain people...but regardless what that "thing" is, it will always take hard work.

yes, i know i sound like a bitch. but i started this blog to get things off my chest and to be honest about my feelings. so there you go. here's what i think. i'm sure some will be offended by it, or some might use it to light a fire under their ass. either way, i feel better.