so, i officially already started the shift. i was way too impatient and anxious, so i decided "what the hell, what's three days difference?". i was getting so antsy about it that i couldn't sleep and it is all that has been on my mind. I'm anxious because i'm excited that it's gonna be over soon. i'm nervous cause i don't know if the reaction is going to be horrible or managable. i'm excited because this means that i'm on my way to being ready for the next step.
i don't think anyone understands the type of emotions that i have about this type of stuff. i know to most it's "just a change in meds", but this has been THE medicine that has kept me stable for almost 6 years now, the longest period of time i have been stable, and basically the majority of time I have had to deal with this. there's so much i think about when it comes to what this means and what might happen. i don't want to go through it because i hate how i feel when i do it. i don't want to go through it because i don't want everyone else to be dragged down with how i am during it. i don't want to go through it because i hate the feeling i get after the fact when i feel like i have to pick up all the pieces again. i don't want to go through it because i hate putting nick through all the crap that he has to deal with - during this type of thing is when we have some pretty heated discussions/fights just because i'm so irrational and stubborn. i don't want to go through it because i know my mom worries about every second of every day hoping she doesn't get a call from me breaking down and crying uncontrolably. i don't want to go through it because i get so paranoid about what other people think about me and i end up feeling like i'm all alone because no one understands.
but, then there's the other side. i want to do it to say that i have done my part to make sure everything goes well for my kid. i want to do it so i don't have to feel that way anymore. i want to do it because it finally lets me move on to the next step. i want to do it because i know when i stable out again i will feel so much better.
i've been thinking about something lately, and it could sound very bad, but i feel as though i kinda have a right to feel this way sometimes....i've been thinking that there are so many people out there that help fight against cancer, raise money to do anything they can to advance ways to beat it and make treatments quicker and more efficient. i am by no means downing those efforts because I too participate in that fight. but i sit back and wonder, why not do more trying to fight bipolar disease, pshyciatric issues, etc? unlike cancer, there is no "cure". it can't "go away", you can't beat it...all you can do is fight your hardest to maintain. yet, just like cancer, it could be fatal. the difference is that having this disease usually tends to make people choose to end their lives because they just can't take it anymore, or they end up dying after a long life and probably regret half of their life because of what they went through and how they acted based on something they really had no decision over. cancer, i know you don't really have a choice other than to fight it medically, but you have that better chance to survive because there's plenty of ways to beat it. I know there are people who do end up dying, especially those who don't get to live a long life, but they still have that chance. too many people die because of pshyciatric illnesses, and yes some may claim it is by choice, but at the same time it isn't. we didn't choose to have this. we didn't choose to deal with something for the rest of our lives regardless what we do to try and maintain it...you can try as hard as you want, but it doesn't go away, and you're lucky if you don't constantly have ups and downs just cause so many things could happen to change your balance. luckily i have come to understand and accept my issues and i do anything i can to maintain, and i consider myself a good person that has done everything i can to make my life better for myself and i have a huge support system to help me do so. i am lucky enough to have the money and insurance to take care of my issues, but what about the millions that don't. the millions of people that have cancer get all they need in technological advances and money to assist in treatments, and yes i understand there are still people that struggle, but it's like people are willing to help in that cause because theres a chance. for us, it's either maintain, go into a looney bin, or make it go away by taking your own life. i have chosen the first route, the more aggressive approach. i've luckily never had to go to a looney bin, and i unfortunately have in the past thought about taking my own life, but i do everything i can to maintain and stay away from it. please understand that i have noooooo intentions on either of the last 2, and i have had no feelings for the last one in quite some time (since i've been very stable). but i can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind.
so i think about how everyone reacts when someone gets cancer. i do feel horrible when i find it out, but lately i think "well, if i could only have people - whether i know them or not - understand and fight for me as much as they do for cancer victims". in a sense, sometimes i think "they have it easy" because they have the opportunity to beat it. i feel horrible for the ones that don't, and i by no means feel any frustration towards anyone about this, but i just hate that i am never going to be able to "beat" it. i, regardless what i do, have to maintain and accept that i will live with this no matter what.
i really do feel bad about having these feelings, but nontheless i have them and i just want to get it off my chest. i will continue to support the fight against cancer and any other medical illnesses that we can do anything to help cure/fight against/learn more about. i just wish i could "beat" this, because it would be a great feeling to know that it's gone and i don't always have to watch my back that something might happen to throw me off.
sorry for the downer. like i said, i have a lot of emotion and thoughts behind all this because it hasn't been an easy ride. and i'm scared that i'm about to hit a huge bump, or maybe a pothole in this case, and that it could be bad. i know i shouldn't think that way, but i just have all the feelings of the past episodes sitting in my mind and they aren't warm and fuzzy feelings.
we'll see how it goes.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! freedom!
Hot damn, it's a GREAT day! i finally got my tapering schedule from my doc....and it's gonna be a lot less time than i expected to do this shift. i thought it would be about a 2 month process....nope...just about a month. 9 days to rapidly taper, then I'm done....and i just have to get through the 2-3 weeks of reaction and adjustment - THEN I'M FREEEEEEE!! then i can move onto the next step! then i can think about being normal again, and not having to worry about the ups and downs! closing the door to the worry about the effects of the meds on a baby...granted, i know there are other natural life things that could happen, but i feel much better knowing that i have done my part to make sure whenever i get prego that the baby is as healthy as possible!
there is, however, the possibility that when i do get prego and the hormones start kicking in that i will start having ups and downs again - especially postpartum - but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I'm happy...extatic...and i think i can get through this shift better than usual because i will know that it's the last time. done. finito. bye bye. no more lithium.
so, starting nov 1st, i'm starting the process of closing the door to that chapter in my life in order to open the door to the next...it's gonna be rough, but it's worth it!
there is, however, the possibility that when i do get prego and the hormones start kicking in that i will start having ups and downs again - especially postpartum - but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I'm happy...extatic...and i think i can get through this shift better than usual because i will know that it's the last time. done. finito. bye bye. no more lithium.
so, starting nov 1st, i'm starting the process of closing the door to that chapter in my life in order to open the door to the next...it's gonna be rough, but it's worth it!
Monday, October 19, 2009
impatient
i don't know why, but I've found myself a little impatient lately. don't know if it's cause i'm nervous, anxious, bored....not sure.
i think it's a safe bet to say that's it's about all this med stuff and the thought of drastically changing it. i'm nervous cause i don't know how i'm going to react. i don't know if i'm going to totally lose it, or if i might have random moents here and there that i have to get through...but it's very unnerving to not know. i ended up asking my doc for just a general schedule of the tapering so that i can have an idea of the time frame regardless of when i start it. i'm thinking that i might actually start it at the beginning of Nov cause i know i will have guarunteed days off for the holidays, so that's potentially less days i would have to take off. also, it would be better for my mom, cause she said that she would come up here to help out nick in case it gets bad, cause i know he can only take some much of it. and another reason is cause i just want to get it over with.
i was going to put it off till after the winter, so that i could maybe get a seasonal job to earn some extra cash, just because. nick and i are doing well with paying off our debt, so i'm kinda scared about what type of setback we might have with me changing everything. if i have to take days without pay, it's a pretty decent hit, especially if they add up.
so, i'm impatiently waiting for my doc to send me the schedule. cause then i have to talk to my bosses about it so that they can be prepared in case i have to miss a lot of work. and to let my mom get prepared cause it might be a couple months of this crap. and also to get myself and nick prepared cause this could go well, or it could be hell...no way to tell.
i can say that luckily, so far, i have not had to be hospitalized, so i'm hoping i can keep it together enough to not worry about that. but there's part of me that does worry, because i know before i have had moments of feeling like i might need to go...but i end up just constantly taking some chill pills so i can just sleep through it.
i don't know...gotta just deal with the bad of it to get to the good of it...i think it's worth it, just really scared.
i think it's a safe bet to say that's it's about all this med stuff and the thought of drastically changing it. i'm nervous cause i don't know how i'm going to react. i don't know if i'm going to totally lose it, or if i might have random moents here and there that i have to get through...but it's very unnerving to not know. i ended up asking my doc for just a general schedule of the tapering so that i can have an idea of the time frame regardless of when i start it. i'm thinking that i might actually start it at the beginning of Nov cause i know i will have guarunteed days off for the holidays, so that's potentially less days i would have to take off. also, it would be better for my mom, cause she said that she would come up here to help out nick in case it gets bad, cause i know he can only take some much of it. and another reason is cause i just want to get it over with.
i was going to put it off till after the winter, so that i could maybe get a seasonal job to earn some extra cash, just because. nick and i are doing well with paying off our debt, so i'm kinda scared about what type of setback we might have with me changing everything. if i have to take days without pay, it's a pretty decent hit, especially if they add up.
so, i'm impatiently waiting for my doc to send me the schedule. cause then i have to talk to my bosses about it so that they can be prepared in case i have to miss a lot of work. and to let my mom get prepared cause it might be a couple months of this crap. and also to get myself and nick prepared cause this could go well, or it could be hell...no way to tell.
i can say that luckily, so far, i have not had to be hospitalized, so i'm hoping i can keep it together enough to not worry about that. but there's part of me that does worry, because i know before i have had moments of feeling like i might need to go...but i end up just constantly taking some chill pills so i can just sleep through it.
i don't know...gotta just deal with the bad of it to get to the good of it...i think it's worth it, just really scared.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
a little off topic
so, i consider myself a pretty decent person when i'm stable. and as of right now, i've been stable for about 3 weeks. so i'm ok, and i can tolerate most things pretty well....but do you ever have that aggrivating feeling that people are just REALLY bothering you. just because. i'm not angry at them, i'm not judging them, i just really wonder why people act the way they do.
you know, the guy that walks around with a strut thinkin he's a bad ass because he is now the project manager of a small job - congrats, it's a step in the righ direction, be proud of yourself, but get your head out your ass - you don't need to talk about the fact that they left a ladder up or moved the dumpster and you had to make them fix it like it was a huge happening on your project - trust me, there are going to be bigger and better things to be excited about on a project, and a mishap on the placement of the dumpster really shouldn't top your list of something to brag about.
the guy who thinks he knows everything about the job and what needs to be done just cause the project manager job asks him to do specific things - good for you, but it's your job, its not like he's asking you to do it cause yall are buddies, so quit acting towards everyone else like you are "THE man", because half the time he has to retrace your footsteps and fix it anyhow...he asks me to do stuff to, because i'm supposed to, but i would never consider his asking to be a "hey buddy, cause i like you why don't you do this for me" chummy chum chum.
and the guy that ALWAYS has something to complain about...and yes, i def have my moments of constant complaint, but I mean he takes it to a whole other level. this is also the guy that does NOTHING all day, but claims his job is so taxing....REALLY?! his day consists of listening to the police radio, writting down on his daily log EVERYTHING that happens (when lanes close/open, when people go out for work, when someone calls him and what they talk about, he might as well write down every time he takes a shit), reading email, complaining about said emails, writing responses to emails, showing everyone what his response to the emails was, talking about said email for a good 20 minutes, logging that he wrote and email and who it went to, staring out the window at the maintenance guys who are cutting the lawn, complaining about said maintenance guys and their lawn cutting methods for about an hour, telling everyone he's gonna write ANOTHER letter to the editor about how construction signs in his area were incorrect (even though he failed his maintenance of traffic test), check his email, complain that someone changed their mind about working one day and now he actually has to change the schedule (which is his job anyhow), respond to said email with a nasty note stating that he needs to know sooner (even though it's a day to day option of when people are going to work), and then complain to everyone for approx 1-2 hours about how he has to update the schedule, and also talk about the response he sent back to them....and there's a lot of staring out the window at the traffic going by - ROUGH DAY HUH?!
so, is it just me? are there not people that just rub you the wrong way? i mean, yes, there are things that they do right and they are decent people that i get along with, but i just want to say "are you serious right now? cut the strut, the boss isn't your buddy, and if you shut up and just do the work then you could prob be outta here in 3 hours every day".
i don't know, maybe it's just me...and i know there are times people wonder about me too, and the fact that i'm bipolar doesn't always take responsibility for the way i act, but i really don't feel like i am THAT annoying.
you know, the guy that walks around with a strut thinkin he's a bad ass because he is now the project manager of a small job - congrats, it's a step in the righ direction, be proud of yourself, but get your head out your ass - you don't need to talk about the fact that they left a ladder up or moved the dumpster and you had to make them fix it like it was a huge happening on your project - trust me, there are going to be bigger and better things to be excited about on a project, and a mishap on the placement of the dumpster really shouldn't top your list of something to brag about.
the guy who thinks he knows everything about the job and what needs to be done just cause the project manager job asks him to do specific things - good for you, but it's your job, its not like he's asking you to do it cause yall are buddies, so quit acting towards everyone else like you are "THE man", because half the time he has to retrace your footsteps and fix it anyhow...he asks me to do stuff to, because i'm supposed to, but i would never consider his asking to be a "hey buddy, cause i like you why don't you do this for me" chummy chum chum.
and the guy that ALWAYS has something to complain about...and yes, i def have my moments of constant complaint, but I mean he takes it to a whole other level. this is also the guy that does NOTHING all day, but claims his job is so taxing....REALLY?! his day consists of listening to the police radio, writting down on his daily log EVERYTHING that happens (when lanes close/open, when people go out for work, when someone calls him and what they talk about, he might as well write down every time he takes a shit), reading email, complaining about said emails, writing responses to emails, showing everyone what his response to the emails was, talking about said email for a good 20 minutes, logging that he wrote and email and who it went to, staring out the window at the maintenance guys who are cutting the lawn, complaining about said maintenance guys and their lawn cutting methods for about an hour, telling everyone he's gonna write ANOTHER letter to the editor about how construction signs in his area were incorrect (even though he failed his maintenance of traffic test), check his email, complain that someone changed their mind about working one day and now he actually has to change the schedule (which is his job anyhow), respond to said email with a nasty note stating that he needs to know sooner (even though it's a day to day option of when people are going to work), and then complain to everyone for approx 1-2 hours about how he has to update the schedule, and also talk about the response he sent back to them....and there's a lot of staring out the window at the traffic going by - ROUGH DAY HUH?!
so, is it just me? are there not people that just rub you the wrong way? i mean, yes, there are things that they do right and they are decent people that i get along with, but i just want to say "are you serious right now? cut the strut, the boss isn't your buddy, and if you shut up and just do the work then you could prob be outta here in 3 hours every day".
i don't know, maybe it's just me...and i know there are times people wonder about me too, and the fact that i'm bipolar doesn't always take responsibility for the way i act, but i really don't feel like i am THAT annoying.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
now it's back to reality...sort of...
so, here's the deal. i accomplished my short term goal of busting my butt to get healthier and to finish the triathlon. i also started the steps toward getting of my lithium and raising my lamictal. the outcome: super psyched about being healthier and finishing a tri, but not so excited about the feelings from changing the meds.
every time i, or the moron doctors that give me stuff that counteracts my meds, change my meds i have had a reaction. typically not a good one either. so i sit here and contemplate what i want to do. when i first started all this change of meds due to the risk of heart defects in a child, i had no set time frame of when it needed to be done by, i was just gonna go with the flow. so my doctors, nick and myself decided to go little by little. dropping one, seeing how it goes, and if things start going downhill then we would raise the other med to counter balance. well, like stated in previous posts, there's a lag time between when i physically take/don't take a medication. so if i drop one it's about 2 weeks before i know if it's affecting me, then i can raise the other one at that point, but again there's another 2 weeks before it kicks in....now we're going on about a month of craziness.
so, i started thinking after this last episode, which was the first time i knowingly and willingly decided to change the lithium, i might need to take a different approach. the main thing that was different about this time than any others - I decided to put myself in that position, it wasn't because a doctor messed up and gave me something that would effect it. so i keep thinking to myself "how can i possibly put myself through this over and over again and not feel more guilt than anything else because i know i'm choosing to do it?" the entire time i was feeling crappy from the med shift it was as if i was having an outer body experience. i knew that the meds changed, so i payed attention to how i was feeling because i knew it was coming, when i finally hit the crappy feeling and started getting antsy and angry and impatient - i knew it was cause of the med change and that i shouldn't be acting like that but there's was nothing i could do to make it stop. all i could do was call my doc and she would tell me to increase the next med, so i would then think that i have 2 weeks of dealing with the fact that i know i shouldn't feel the way i do but that i was reacting totally different than who i really was.
that's when the guilt sets in. i think "sorry everyone for putting you through this, i chose to do it and all of yall now have to suffer right along with me. and right now, as i'm yelling at you, i know i'm doing it for no reason but i can't stop, so deal with it". then, once i start feeling better, i sit there and think about everything i had done or said that truely wasn't me, and i feel guilty about it all and have to pick up the pieces. after a while, you start to wonder if those who you continually and unintentionally hurt over and over again really even care if you're trying to fix things again. a lot of people don't know what's going on, so they tend to back away from even dealing with me, if i don't do it first. that's why i say when i'm feeling that way i just don't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone because i can do less damage that way.
so i had to start really pondering if i wanted to do the "take your time and do little by little" on the med change. that would mean that i could potentially spread it out over a year or two, and have about 5 or 6 different times that i would knowingly go into a funk stage because i would change my dose again. the process we were doing was drop by a little, wait a few weeks, raise the other a little, then balance out and wait a few weeks before starting again. so we were planning to take extra time in between each set to have some balanced time. but to me, that would just drive me insane because that would mean i couldn't go a long period of time feeling good because i would then just end up sending myself right back into the spiral.
that's when i started thinking, "damn it, i just want to do this and get it over with". and it's not because i want to rush to have a kid sooner, it's because i can't stand the thought of going up and down, up and down, up and down - and making everyone else be dragged out with the whole process also. so i talked to nick and my mom to get their opinion on taking a more drastic approach - let's go into this dropping my med as much as i can at a time, but lets not have the balancing time in between. i know i'm going to eventually feel like crap, so i would rather do it one more time, even if it may be a longer time than normal, but that way once i'm totally off it i can finally start to balance out the other med for good. so, medically speaking, i would still have to drop it in intervals because the level that i'm on now i can't just drop it all in one swoop because it effects my blood levels and could cause some problems. but, i can drop a little and wait a week or two, then drop more, wait, then drop more, etc. but it would be taking the drop, wait, balance out, wait, drop, wait, balance, wait etc. it would ultimately take the balancing out and the wait time out of it.
but taking this approach it will be very unknown how i will react because i have been on this med for over 5 years, and every time it has changed i have had a reaction. so i think about the fact that if i drop off of so much of it, will i have an even more serious spiral or will it be the same type of spiral but just longer? i told my doc it it does worry me a little bit, and that if it got too bad i would stop and go back to the other method. luckily she said that theres a possibility that i may not have a reaction or at least one not as severe because since i already started to reduce my level, the lithium has already been taken out of a therapuetic level and is now non thereapuetic. so basically, what my mind was used to is already changed so it might not have the drastic reaction like before. but honestly, with the way things have been for me, i have a feeling i would still have the spiral effect. but it is good to know there's a possibility to stay sane.
so, i talked with nick again, and he's on board. he says whatever i feel is better for me that he will support me, because he knows how i am when i go through this stuff but he doesn't fully understand the way it affects me because he's never been through it. so he said it's my choice on what i feel i can handle, and that no matter what he's confident that we can get through it. I LOVE HIM!
so now, it's just a matter of figuring out when to try and do it. from my understanding it will prob be a 2-3 month time frame to get it all done. and frankly, there is never a "good time" to do something like this, so it's kind of a toss up. but whenever we choose, my doc said she would send me a tapering schedule and we would just go from there. it's just a little scary cause it's going to effect soooo much for a longer period than i have ever had to deal with before. along with the issues of nick having to be there to help me, i also have to consider work in the picture too.
there have been several times that i have been messed up on my meds and it got me to the point that i just can't function - no point of even leaving the house, let alone think about working. half the time, if i did come into work, i would want to throw a book at every person that walked by my door - and for no reason really, just cause something about them would piss me off. or here's a good example - i was in my main office one day, and i started crying - wanna know why? because there was someone running off copies on the copier near me ALL DAY LONG! well, the damn copier made a squeaking noise EVERY time a piece of paper went through....i lost it! i couldn't take it! i asked someone else if it was bothering them and they said they didn't even realize it. imagine that. I of course on the other hand, heard it like it was a bullhorn in my ear - and it drove me INSANE! and i started crying because i couldn't deal with it. i know, dumb, right?!
so, needless to say work is an issue and i had to let me boss and manager know what i was going to be doing. they both know about my issues and my boss has always been SUPER supportive of whatever is going on with me, so he has never had any issues as long as i keep him in the loop as to how i feel and if it's going to effect work. my manager also knows about everything, but i don't think he handles it quite as well. i think it intemidates him a little because he always seems uneasy when i let him know that things are a little off for me or if there was something beothering me. a good example was in one of my previous posts about the guy that was messing with stuff on my desk and in my office. i don't think he realized that was a reaction to my meds, and at the time i wanted to rip someones head off, but now i couldn't care less. he just doesn't seem to be able to sway with me and my moods like my boss does. but anyhow, i talked to them about it yesterday and they were totally cool with it. there's obviously the understanding that even though i'm going to be going through this, there is still work to be done. so i need to let them know how when i'm gonna start, how i feel throughout the process, and if i feel as though my work is going to be effected at any time because of it. they asked how i would feel about staying at the bridge and doing my work there, or if i needed to go back and work at the office while i'm going through it, and i told them i felt as though maybe working in the office would be better because i would be more comfortable with the people around me. most of the people in my office know about what's going on in a general sense, but no one at the bridge has any clue and i would prefer not telling them anyhow. so my boss said that is something they can work out if it's needed and that they would try to make things as comfortable as possible in order to effect my work as little as possible. it's not necessarily that the stuff i do can't be done by anyone else, technically it can. but no one knows the stuff like i do and it would prob take a long time to get it figured out, so they said they just need me to really push through it the best i can to make sure that things are still taken care of - or at least be able to help someone else figure things out if necessary.
so, in all, i have the support from those that i need it from. it's just that i'm scared shitless about what could potentially happen. this would be the biggest med shift i've had ever since i finally got stable - about 6 years ago. there are going to people that i have to interact with that will have no idea about any of this, and it could potentially be a disaster. but i have to do it, for my sanity. i may have to go insane in order to get there, but i have to just get it done so i don't have to worry about how many times i will have to affect everyones lives for however long it would have taken the other way.
man, i want to be normal...i wish it wasn't this hard. i wish it only affected me and not everyone else. and i hope everything goes ok. as of right now, nick and i are thinking we might hold off until February so we can have a few months to prepare and get ready for it, and it would also be nice to at least have decent holidays instead of being the grinch.
every time i, or the moron doctors that give me stuff that counteracts my meds, change my meds i have had a reaction. typically not a good one either. so i sit here and contemplate what i want to do. when i first started all this change of meds due to the risk of heart defects in a child, i had no set time frame of when it needed to be done by, i was just gonna go with the flow. so my doctors, nick and myself decided to go little by little. dropping one, seeing how it goes, and if things start going downhill then we would raise the other med to counter balance. well, like stated in previous posts, there's a lag time between when i physically take/don't take a medication. so if i drop one it's about 2 weeks before i know if it's affecting me, then i can raise the other one at that point, but again there's another 2 weeks before it kicks in....now we're going on about a month of craziness.
so, i started thinking after this last episode, which was the first time i knowingly and willingly decided to change the lithium, i might need to take a different approach. the main thing that was different about this time than any others - I decided to put myself in that position, it wasn't because a doctor messed up and gave me something that would effect it. so i keep thinking to myself "how can i possibly put myself through this over and over again and not feel more guilt than anything else because i know i'm choosing to do it?" the entire time i was feeling crappy from the med shift it was as if i was having an outer body experience. i knew that the meds changed, so i payed attention to how i was feeling because i knew it was coming, when i finally hit the crappy feeling and started getting antsy and angry and impatient - i knew it was cause of the med change and that i shouldn't be acting like that but there's was nothing i could do to make it stop. all i could do was call my doc and she would tell me to increase the next med, so i would then think that i have 2 weeks of dealing with the fact that i know i shouldn't feel the way i do but that i was reacting totally different than who i really was.
that's when the guilt sets in. i think "sorry everyone for putting you through this, i chose to do it and all of yall now have to suffer right along with me. and right now, as i'm yelling at you, i know i'm doing it for no reason but i can't stop, so deal with it". then, once i start feeling better, i sit there and think about everything i had done or said that truely wasn't me, and i feel guilty about it all and have to pick up the pieces. after a while, you start to wonder if those who you continually and unintentionally hurt over and over again really even care if you're trying to fix things again. a lot of people don't know what's going on, so they tend to back away from even dealing with me, if i don't do it first. that's why i say when i'm feeling that way i just don't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone because i can do less damage that way.
so i had to start really pondering if i wanted to do the "take your time and do little by little" on the med change. that would mean that i could potentially spread it out over a year or two, and have about 5 or 6 different times that i would knowingly go into a funk stage because i would change my dose again. the process we were doing was drop by a little, wait a few weeks, raise the other a little, then balance out and wait a few weeks before starting again. so we were planning to take extra time in between each set to have some balanced time. but to me, that would just drive me insane because that would mean i couldn't go a long period of time feeling good because i would then just end up sending myself right back into the spiral.
that's when i started thinking, "damn it, i just want to do this and get it over with". and it's not because i want to rush to have a kid sooner, it's because i can't stand the thought of going up and down, up and down, up and down - and making everyone else be dragged out with the whole process also. so i talked to nick and my mom to get their opinion on taking a more drastic approach - let's go into this dropping my med as much as i can at a time, but lets not have the balancing time in between. i know i'm going to eventually feel like crap, so i would rather do it one more time, even if it may be a longer time than normal, but that way once i'm totally off it i can finally start to balance out the other med for good. so, medically speaking, i would still have to drop it in intervals because the level that i'm on now i can't just drop it all in one swoop because it effects my blood levels and could cause some problems. but, i can drop a little and wait a week or two, then drop more, wait, then drop more, etc. but it would be taking the drop, wait, balance out, wait, drop, wait, balance, wait etc. it would ultimately take the balancing out and the wait time out of it.
but taking this approach it will be very unknown how i will react because i have been on this med for over 5 years, and every time it has changed i have had a reaction. so i think about the fact that if i drop off of so much of it, will i have an even more serious spiral or will it be the same type of spiral but just longer? i told my doc it it does worry me a little bit, and that if it got too bad i would stop and go back to the other method. luckily she said that theres a possibility that i may not have a reaction or at least one not as severe because since i already started to reduce my level, the lithium has already been taken out of a therapuetic level and is now non thereapuetic. so basically, what my mind was used to is already changed so it might not have the drastic reaction like before. but honestly, with the way things have been for me, i have a feeling i would still have the spiral effect. but it is good to know there's a possibility to stay sane.
so, i talked with nick again, and he's on board. he says whatever i feel is better for me that he will support me, because he knows how i am when i go through this stuff but he doesn't fully understand the way it affects me because he's never been through it. so he said it's my choice on what i feel i can handle, and that no matter what he's confident that we can get through it. I LOVE HIM!
so now, it's just a matter of figuring out when to try and do it. from my understanding it will prob be a 2-3 month time frame to get it all done. and frankly, there is never a "good time" to do something like this, so it's kind of a toss up. but whenever we choose, my doc said she would send me a tapering schedule and we would just go from there. it's just a little scary cause it's going to effect soooo much for a longer period than i have ever had to deal with before. along with the issues of nick having to be there to help me, i also have to consider work in the picture too.
there have been several times that i have been messed up on my meds and it got me to the point that i just can't function - no point of even leaving the house, let alone think about working. half the time, if i did come into work, i would want to throw a book at every person that walked by my door - and for no reason really, just cause something about them would piss me off. or here's a good example - i was in my main office one day, and i started crying - wanna know why? because there was someone running off copies on the copier near me ALL DAY LONG! well, the damn copier made a squeaking noise EVERY time a piece of paper went through....i lost it! i couldn't take it! i asked someone else if it was bothering them and they said they didn't even realize it. imagine that. I of course on the other hand, heard it like it was a bullhorn in my ear - and it drove me INSANE! and i started crying because i couldn't deal with it. i know, dumb, right?!
so, needless to say work is an issue and i had to let me boss and manager know what i was going to be doing. they both know about my issues and my boss has always been SUPER supportive of whatever is going on with me, so he has never had any issues as long as i keep him in the loop as to how i feel and if it's going to effect work. my manager also knows about everything, but i don't think he handles it quite as well. i think it intemidates him a little because he always seems uneasy when i let him know that things are a little off for me or if there was something beothering me. a good example was in one of my previous posts about the guy that was messing with stuff on my desk and in my office. i don't think he realized that was a reaction to my meds, and at the time i wanted to rip someones head off, but now i couldn't care less. he just doesn't seem to be able to sway with me and my moods like my boss does. but anyhow, i talked to them about it yesterday and they were totally cool with it. there's obviously the understanding that even though i'm going to be going through this, there is still work to be done. so i need to let them know how when i'm gonna start, how i feel throughout the process, and if i feel as though my work is going to be effected at any time because of it. they asked how i would feel about staying at the bridge and doing my work there, or if i needed to go back and work at the office while i'm going through it, and i told them i felt as though maybe working in the office would be better because i would be more comfortable with the people around me. most of the people in my office know about what's going on in a general sense, but no one at the bridge has any clue and i would prefer not telling them anyhow. so my boss said that is something they can work out if it's needed and that they would try to make things as comfortable as possible in order to effect my work as little as possible. it's not necessarily that the stuff i do can't be done by anyone else, technically it can. but no one knows the stuff like i do and it would prob take a long time to get it figured out, so they said they just need me to really push through it the best i can to make sure that things are still taken care of - or at least be able to help someone else figure things out if necessary.
so, in all, i have the support from those that i need it from. it's just that i'm scared shitless about what could potentially happen. this would be the biggest med shift i've had ever since i finally got stable - about 6 years ago. there are going to people that i have to interact with that will have no idea about any of this, and it could potentially be a disaster. but i have to do it, for my sanity. i may have to go insane in order to get there, but i have to just get it done so i don't have to worry about how many times i will have to affect everyones lives for however long it would have taken the other way.
man, i want to be normal...i wish it wasn't this hard. i wish it only affected me and not everyone else. and i hope everything goes ok. as of right now, nick and i are thinking we might hold off until February so we can have a few months to prepare and get ready for it, and it would also be nice to at least have decent holidays instead of being the grinch.
Monday, October 12, 2009
correction
Looking at the race results, I was 401 out of 413...yeeessssss!!!! Everyone after me was above the age of 43, but I don't care.
And my time was 2 hours 46 min and 41 sec. I was hoping for less than 3 hours, so yippee!
And my time was 2 hours 46 min and 41 sec. I was hoping for less than 3 hours, so yippee!
some of us take our time to appreciate the moment...
soooooo....I FINISHED!!!! I was very slow, but darn it, I finished.
I have determined I won't do an ocean swim anymore, or at least till I'm in better shape. It wasn't horrible, but not being used to a wetsuit, when I would swim normal, I would tend to start floating really well with my legs but then my top half would be pushed further into the water - leading to involuntary swollowing of water and unappreciated gushes of it up my nose - it didn't taste too good, and didn't feel that great when I started gagging. And they ended up making us swim against the current, so it was very aggrivating when you would look up and think "I swear I have been swimming this entire time, but damn-it if I haven't gotten anywhere". But I took my time so I wouldn't get completely worn out. I realized the best progress I made was laying on my back doing a backstroke, so that's what I did most of the time. There was one point that I was basically doing a sprint, but it wasn't encouraged by my wanting to hurry up and get done, it was encouraged by my suddenly kicking something pretty solid and heavy...and it wasn't a person because no one was around me (I was at the back of the pack with all the stragglers). Needless to say my strokes turned into propeller (sp?) mode and started taking off...and the lifeguards started looking at me pretty funny because I'm sure it looked like I was panicing and flailing my arms everywhere. There were dolphins all around us the entire time, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't one of those either because they stayed on the outter side of everyone and didn't come thru the middle. Anyhow, the rest of the time I would just lie on my back and look at the clouds and the moon that was still out and think to myself "it's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day" over and over again, so I didn't think "what the hell am I doing, what the hell am I doing". So then I was finally around the last bouy and I got to the beach...then the transition was running through about 100 yards of all sand - very tiring - and then putting my sneakers on to do about a 1/4 mile run to the actual transition area - what a bummer, can this count as part of our 3 mile run PLEASE?!
So I got to the transition area, not many spectators were left, because like I said I was with the stragglers. But the ones that were there were very encouraging, and I was still running, so I figured I was doing pretty well.
Next up, the 15 mile bike. Rip the wetsuit off, clean the snad off my feet, throw some socks on, then the sneakers, put my helmet on, and we're off. Oh, wait a minute, on the way out it was a wave and a hello to all those who were now RETURNING from their 15 mile bike...awesome! But I still mounted up and took off. Well, I think it's best described as a nice little stroll through the town of Lewes DE. There were moments that I got some umph in me to do some good sprints, but other than that it was a "oh, that's a pretty house; aw look at the beautiful stream; wow, I'm all by myself, no one in front - behind - or beside of me; thank you Mr. police officer for helping to direct traffic so I don't get hit, and by the way, no worries because there aren't many people behind me - you will be off your feet soon". But, again, I took my time, doing what I knew I could do so my thighs wouldn't tighten up and that I could still function for the dreaded run. I eventually passed 2 people, they were old women, but I passed them...EAT MY DUST! So I'm on my way back in on the last stretch of the bike, and I knew this because it was the main road we started on...and there they were...bastards...the people who were passing me with their bikes on the back of their cars - WHAT?! You're done already?! AND you're already leaving?! So I thought "That's cool...I just took my time so I can take it all in, you people don't know how to appreciate the moment." So I got back to the transition area, and again there were few spectators but they were very encouraging still. I pulled up to my transition spot and it was very easy to find - it's that one open spot right there because everyone elses bikes are there already - but cool, thanks for making it easy to find guys, that helped! So, take the helmet off, strap the number belt on, and wait - I hear someone calling my name - it was Nick cheering me on. He had already finished everything, so he was waiting on me to get back...I love him, but I did have a moment of "thanks honey, now can I kick you cause I have another freakin 3 miles ahead of me". But I was off - with some very tight and tired legs.
So now the run....When I first left the transition area, there was a miracle waiting for me - AHHHHH, my first sip of water! yes, that's right, I forgot to fill my water bottle up that I had on my bike, so I had gone the entire time so far without a sip of water...it was quite refreshing. But this time there were a lot of spectators around - they were all by the food tent, because they were all done, so they were cheering me on - thanks guys! So I take off and I'm goooooiiinnnggg vvveeeerrrrryyyyy slllllooooowwwww. This is probably the first time in the entire thing that I said "what the hell am I doing?" But I kept going. Now, during the entire run, I came up with a system, which I felt was pretty efficient. I would set landmarks within sight distance of what I would run to, then when I got there I would decide which landmark I would walk to, then I got there and I found one that I would run to, etc etc. It worked pretty well actually, and sometimes I would get to where I was supposed to run to but I would say "nah, go a little further". And there it was, the 1 mile mark..."I hate you, you were supposed to be sooner" I thought. So I continued my method that I had set up and there was the 2 mile mark..."hey, not bad, you came sooner than I thought". And then I could hear the music of the finish area...I'm within a close enough distance, awesome. Eventually that music went away, and I got a little worried like "wow, did I take a wrong turn and go somewhere further away?" No, Later I found out it was just cause they were shutin everything down, and I thought "it's cool guys, I have the rocky song in my head, I don't need your music anyhow". So anyhow, I finally reach the turn that I knew was taking me back into the finish, about 1/4 mile left...and I said "JUST RUN!" So I listened to myself and I did, I just ran, like Forrest Gump - but maybe not quite as fast. THERE IT IS!!!! The finishe line, I see it, it's right there, I'm on the path that takes me to the finish line! And then, I almost started crying...partly because I was happy to be done, partly because I was proud of myself for finishing, and partly because I have the best husband and friend. He saw me and started running towards me, he got to me and said "let's go babe, you're almost there", and he started running with me. I thought "HOLD THE WATERWORKS, HOLD THE WATERWORKS...DON'T DO IT NOW BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE THE FINISH LINE WHEN YOU CROSS IT!". Again, there weren't a lot of people there anymore, but the ones who were there were very encouraging. I passed the finish line and it was like I couldn't stop running, I ran all the way to the end of the area to the people that give you water and I was like "oh, I guess I better stop, what the hell am I thinking, you just ran about 20 unnecessary yards - you over achiever, you".
So there, I was done! I finished! Alright, time to get my shit and get outta here. HA! I got to my stuff, and almost all of the stations where people had their stuff were already broken down and getting packed up. Whatever, I finished. I may have been 401 out of 408 - and the 7 after me could have potentially been the 2 old women I passed and 5 diasabled people (not knocking them, I just know there were some), but I finished!
In all, it was a great experience. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Do I plan to improve, Absolutely! And I appreciate all the support I have recieved from all of my friends and family! It helped more than you can imagine!
I have determined I won't do an ocean swim anymore, or at least till I'm in better shape. It wasn't horrible, but not being used to a wetsuit, when I would swim normal, I would tend to start floating really well with my legs but then my top half would be pushed further into the water - leading to involuntary swollowing of water and unappreciated gushes of it up my nose - it didn't taste too good, and didn't feel that great when I started gagging. And they ended up making us swim against the current, so it was very aggrivating when you would look up and think "I swear I have been swimming this entire time, but damn-it if I haven't gotten anywhere". But I took my time so I wouldn't get completely worn out. I realized the best progress I made was laying on my back doing a backstroke, so that's what I did most of the time. There was one point that I was basically doing a sprint, but it wasn't encouraged by my wanting to hurry up and get done, it was encouraged by my suddenly kicking something pretty solid and heavy...and it wasn't a person because no one was around me (I was at the back of the pack with all the stragglers). Needless to say my strokes turned into propeller (sp?) mode and started taking off...and the lifeguards started looking at me pretty funny because I'm sure it looked like I was panicing and flailing my arms everywhere. There were dolphins all around us the entire time, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't one of those either because they stayed on the outter side of everyone and didn't come thru the middle. Anyhow, the rest of the time I would just lie on my back and look at the clouds and the moon that was still out and think to myself "it's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day" over and over again, so I didn't think "what the hell am I doing, what the hell am I doing". So then I was finally around the last bouy and I got to the beach...then the transition was running through about 100 yards of all sand - very tiring - and then putting my sneakers on to do about a 1/4 mile run to the actual transition area - what a bummer, can this count as part of our 3 mile run PLEASE?!
So I got to the transition area, not many spectators were left, because like I said I was with the stragglers. But the ones that were there were very encouraging, and I was still running, so I figured I was doing pretty well.
Next up, the 15 mile bike. Rip the wetsuit off, clean the snad off my feet, throw some socks on, then the sneakers, put my helmet on, and we're off. Oh, wait a minute, on the way out it was a wave and a hello to all those who were now RETURNING from their 15 mile bike...awesome! But I still mounted up and took off. Well, I think it's best described as a nice little stroll through the town of Lewes DE. There were moments that I got some umph in me to do some good sprints, but other than that it was a "oh, that's a pretty house; aw look at the beautiful stream; wow, I'm all by myself, no one in front - behind - or beside of me; thank you Mr. police officer for helping to direct traffic so I don't get hit, and by the way, no worries because there aren't many people behind me - you will be off your feet soon". But, again, I took my time, doing what I knew I could do so my thighs wouldn't tighten up and that I could still function for the dreaded run. I eventually passed 2 people, they were old women, but I passed them...EAT MY DUST! So I'm on my way back in on the last stretch of the bike, and I knew this because it was the main road we started on...and there they were...bastards...the people who were passing me with their bikes on the back of their cars - WHAT?! You're done already?! AND you're already leaving?! So I thought "That's cool...I just took my time so I can take it all in, you people don't know how to appreciate the moment." So I got back to the transition area, and again there were few spectators but they were very encouraging still. I pulled up to my transition spot and it was very easy to find - it's that one open spot right there because everyone elses bikes are there already - but cool, thanks for making it easy to find guys, that helped! So, take the helmet off, strap the number belt on, and wait - I hear someone calling my name - it was Nick cheering me on. He had already finished everything, so he was waiting on me to get back...I love him, but I did have a moment of "thanks honey, now can I kick you cause I have another freakin 3 miles ahead of me". But I was off - with some very tight and tired legs.
So now the run....When I first left the transition area, there was a miracle waiting for me - AHHHHH, my first sip of water! yes, that's right, I forgot to fill my water bottle up that I had on my bike, so I had gone the entire time so far without a sip of water...it was quite refreshing. But this time there were a lot of spectators around - they were all by the food tent, because they were all done, so they were cheering me on - thanks guys! So I take off and I'm goooooiiinnnggg vvveeeerrrrryyyyy slllllooooowwwww. This is probably the first time in the entire thing that I said "what the hell am I doing?" But I kept going. Now, during the entire run, I came up with a system, which I felt was pretty efficient. I would set landmarks within sight distance of what I would run to, then when I got there I would decide which landmark I would walk to, then I got there and I found one that I would run to, etc etc. It worked pretty well actually, and sometimes I would get to where I was supposed to run to but I would say "nah, go a little further". And there it was, the 1 mile mark..."I hate you, you were supposed to be sooner" I thought. So I continued my method that I had set up and there was the 2 mile mark..."hey, not bad, you came sooner than I thought". And then I could hear the music of the finish area...I'm within a close enough distance, awesome. Eventually that music went away, and I got a little worried like "wow, did I take a wrong turn and go somewhere further away?" No, Later I found out it was just cause they were shutin everything down, and I thought "it's cool guys, I have the rocky song in my head, I don't need your music anyhow". So anyhow, I finally reach the turn that I knew was taking me back into the finish, about 1/4 mile left...and I said "JUST RUN!" So I listened to myself and I did, I just ran, like Forrest Gump - but maybe not quite as fast. THERE IT IS!!!! The finishe line, I see it, it's right there, I'm on the path that takes me to the finish line! And then, I almost started crying...partly because I was happy to be done, partly because I was proud of myself for finishing, and partly because I have the best husband and friend. He saw me and started running towards me, he got to me and said "let's go babe, you're almost there", and he started running with me. I thought "HOLD THE WATERWORKS, HOLD THE WATERWORKS...DON'T DO IT NOW BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE THE FINISH LINE WHEN YOU CROSS IT!". Again, there weren't a lot of people there anymore, but the ones who were there were very encouraging. I passed the finish line and it was like I couldn't stop running, I ran all the way to the end of the area to the people that give you water and I was like "oh, I guess I better stop, what the hell am I thinking, you just ran about 20 unnecessary yards - you over achiever, you".
So there, I was done! I finished! Alright, time to get my shit and get outta here. HA! I got to my stuff, and almost all of the stations where people had their stuff were already broken down and getting packed up. Whatever, I finished. I may have been 401 out of 408 - and the 7 after me could have potentially been the 2 old women I passed and 5 diasabled people (not knocking them, I just know there were some), but I finished!
In all, it was a great experience. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Do I plan to improve, Absolutely! And I appreciate all the support I have recieved from all of my friends and family! It helped more than you can imagine!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
4 days...
so, 4 days till i get my butt kicked (at the triathlon). i know that's not how i should think about it, but unfortunately that IS how i'm thinking about it. I def didn't lose the other 10 lbs i was hoping for. my motivation has lacked lately, and i've been super exhausted. i'm getting a little nervous cause my trainer isn't able to do it with me now, so it's gonna be me, all by myself. yes, nick is still doing it, but he starts before i do and there's no way i'll catch up to him.
i feel strong, and i keep telling myself that i can do it, but then it's as if that thought gets over powered by "but what if i cant?". nick has told me, in the nicest way possible, that he would rather me not do it if i feel like i would quit in the middle of it. because he feels like me quitting in the middle of it would be alot worse on my mind than if i didn't do it at all. i understand where's he's coming from...i just don't think i'm willing to not try. but yes, if i do quit, i know i will be upset with myself.
i get excited when i think about actually participating, but it's when i start thinking about how my body will feel after working that hard (cause i know how it feels doing just normal things, let a alone a triathlon) that i start to question it.
i know that if i had someone right there doing it with me, then i would without a doubt be ok. but nick will only be there if we happen to cross paths, or when he's waiting on me to finish. it's just gonna be me and my mind through the entire thing...and i think we all know that my mind is not always very nice to me. luckily, i've balanced out recently, so i'm not super out of whack. but i also haven't been very uppity or "that's it - go gett'em" either.
so i'm just wondering what is going to happen....is it my mind or my body. my body is in better, but not great shape. my mind is in better, but not great shape. they always say it's your mind over your body at stuff like this...well, what do you do if your mind isn't quite sure what it wants to do and likes to take every detour possible, and also make about 50 uturns where uturns are not allowed? this should be interesting....
i feel strong, and i keep telling myself that i can do it, but then it's as if that thought gets over powered by "but what if i cant?". nick has told me, in the nicest way possible, that he would rather me not do it if i feel like i would quit in the middle of it. because he feels like me quitting in the middle of it would be alot worse on my mind than if i didn't do it at all. i understand where's he's coming from...i just don't think i'm willing to not try. but yes, if i do quit, i know i will be upset with myself.
i get excited when i think about actually participating, but it's when i start thinking about how my body will feel after working that hard (cause i know how it feels doing just normal things, let a alone a triathlon) that i start to question it.
i know that if i had someone right there doing it with me, then i would without a doubt be ok. but nick will only be there if we happen to cross paths, or when he's waiting on me to finish. it's just gonna be me and my mind through the entire thing...and i think we all know that my mind is not always very nice to me. luckily, i've balanced out recently, so i'm not super out of whack. but i also haven't been very uppity or "that's it - go gett'em" either.
so i'm just wondering what is going to happen....is it my mind or my body. my body is in better, but not great shape. my mind is in better, but not great shape. they always say it's your mind over your body at stuff like this...well, what do you do if your mind isn't quite sure what it wants to do and likes to take every detour possible, and also make about 50 uturns where uturns are not allowed? this should be interesting....
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