anxious is the word of the month

so, i officially already started the shift. i was way too impatient and anxious, so i decided "what the hell, what's three days difference?". i was getting so antsy about it that i couldn't sleep and it is all that has been on my mind. I'm anxious because i'm excited that it's gonna be over soon. i'm nervous cause i don't know if the reaction is going to be horrible or managable. i'm excited because this means that i'm on my way to being ready for the next step.
i don't think anyone understands the type of emotions that i have about this type of stuff. i know to most it's "just a change in meds", but this has been THE medicine that has kept me stable for almost 6 years now, the longest period of time i have been stable, and basically the majority of time I have had to deal with this. there's so much i think about when it comes to what this means and what might happen. i don't want to go through it because i hate how i feel when i do it. i don't want to go through it because i don't want everyone else to be dragged down with how i am during it. i don't want to go through it because i hate the feeling i get after the fact when i feel like i have to pick up all the pieces again. i don't want to go through it because i hate putting nick through all the crap that he has to deal with - during this type of thing is when we have some pretty heated discussions/fights just because i'm so irrational and stubborn. i don't want to go through it because i know my mom worries about every second of every day hoping she doesn't get a call from me breaking down and crying uncontrolably. i don't want to go through it because i get so paranoid about what other people think about me and i end up feeling like i'm all alone because no one understands.
but, then there's the other side. i want to do it to say that i have done my part to make sure everything goes well for my kid. i want to do it so i don't have to feel that way anymore. i want to do it because it finally lets me move on to the next step. i want to do it because i know when i stable out again i will feel so much better.
i've been thinking about something lately, and it could sound very bad, but i feel as though i kinda have a right to feel this way sometimes....i've been thinking that there are so many people out there that help fight against cancer, raise money to do anything they can to advance ways to beat it and make treatments quicker and more efficient. i am by no means downing those efforts because I too participate in that fight. but i sit back and wonder, why not do more trying to fight bipolar disease, pshyciatric issues, etc? unlike cancer, there is no "cure". it can't "go away", you can't beat it...all you can do is fight your hardest to maintain. yet, just like cancer, it could be fatal. the difference is that having this disease usually tends to make people choose to end their lives because they just can't take it anymore, or they end up dying after a long life and probably regret half of their life because of what they went through and how they acted based on something they really had no decision over. cancer, i know you don't really have a choice other than to fight it medically, but you have that better chance to survive because there's plenty of ways to beat it. I know there are people who do end up dying, especially those who don't get to live a long life, but they still have that chance. too many people die because of pshyciatric illnesses, and yes some may claim it is by choice, but at the same time it isn't. we didn't choose to have this. we didn't choose to deal with something for the rest of our lives regardless what we do to try and maintain it...you can try as hard as you want, but it doesn't go away, and you're lucky if you don't constantly have ups and downs just cause so many things could happen to change your balance. luckily i have come to understand and accept my issues and i do anything i can to maintain, and i consider myself a good person that has done everything i can to make my life better for myself and i have a huge support system to help me do so. i am lucky enough to have the money and insurance to take care of my issues, but what about the millions that don't. the millions of people that have cancer get all they need in technological advances and money to assist in treatments, and yes i understand there are still people that struggle, but it's like people are willing to help in that cause because theres a chance. for us, it's either maintain, go into a looney bin, or make it go away by taking your own life. i have chosen the first route, the more aggressive approach. i've luckily never had to go to a looney bin, and i unfortunately have in the past thought about taking my own life, but i do everything i can to maintain and stay away from it. please understand that i have noooooo intentions on either of the last 2, and i have had no feelings for the last one in quite some time (since i've been very stable). but i can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind.
so i think about how everyone reacts when someone gets cancer. i do feel horrible when i find it out, but lately i think "well, if i could only have people - whether i know them or not - understand and fight for me as much as they do for cancer victims". in a sense, sometimes i think "they have it easy" because they have the opportunity to beat it. i feel horrible for the ones that don't, and i by no means feel any frustration towards anyone about this, but i just hate that i am never going to be able to "beat" it. i, regardless what i do, have to maintain and accept that i will live with this no matter what.
i really do feel bad about having these feelings, but nontheless i have them and i just want to get it off my chest. i will continue to support the fight against cancer and any other medical illnesses that we can do anything to help cure/fight against/learn more about. i just wish i could "beat" this, because it would be a great feeling to know that it's gone and i don't always have to watch my back that something might happen to throw me off.
sorry for the downer. like i said, i have a lot of emotion and thoughts behind all this because it hasn't been an easy ride. and i'm scared that i'm about to hit a huge bump, or maybe a pothole in this case, and that it could be bad. i know i shouldn't think that way, but i just have all the feelings of the past episodes sitting in my mind and they aren't warm and fuzzy feelings.
we'll see how it goes.