so, here's the deal. i accomplished my short term goal of busting my butt to get healthier and to finish the triathlon. i also started the steps toward getting of my lithium and raising my lamictal. the outcome: super psyched about being healthier and finishing a tri, but not so excited about the feelings from changing the meds.
every time i, or the moron doctors that give me stuff that counteracts my meds, change my meds i have had a reaction. typically not a good one either. so i sit here and contemplate what i want to do. when i first started all this change of meds due to the risk of heart defects in a child, i had no set time frame of when it needed to be done by, i was just gonna go with the flow. so my doctors, nick and myself decided to go little by little. dropping one, seeing how it goes, and if things start going downhill then we would raise the other med to counter balance. well, like stated in previous posts, there's a lag time between when i physically take/don't take a medication. so if i drop one it's about 2 weeks before i know if it's affecting me, then i can raise the other one at that point, but again there's another 2 weeks before it kicks in....now we're going on about a month of craziness.
so, i started thinking after this last episode, which was the first time i knowingly and willingly decided to change the lithium, i might need to take a different approach. the main thing that was different about this time than any others - I decided to put myself in that position, it wasn't because a doctor messed up and gave me something that would effect it. so i keep thinking to myself "how can i possibly put myself through this over and over again and not feel more guilt than anything else because i know i'm choosing to do it?" the entire time i was feeling crappy from the med shift it was as if i was having an outer body experience. i knew that the meds changed, so i payed attention to how i was feeling because i knew it was coming, when i finally hit the crappy feeling and started getting antsy and angry and impatient - i knew it was cause of the med change and that i shouldn't be acting like that but there's was nothing i could do to make it stop. all i could do was call my doc and she would tell me to increase the next med, so i would then think that i have 2 weeks of dealing with the fact that i know i shouldn't feel the way i do but that i was reacting totally different than who i really was.
that's when the guilt sets in. i think "sorry everyone for putting you through this, i chose to do it and all of yall now have to suffer right along with me. and right now, as i'm yelling at you, i know i'm doing it for no reason but i can't stop, so deal with it". then, once i start feeling better, i sit there and think about everything i had done or said that truely wasn't me, and i feel guilty about it all and have to pick up the pieces. after a while, you start to wonder if those who you continually and unintentionally hurt over and over again really even care if you're trying to fix things again. a lot of people don't know what's going on, so they tend to back away from even dealing with me, if i don't do it first. that's why i say when i'm feeling that way i just don't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone because i can do less damage that way.
so i had to start really pondering if i wanted to do the "take your time and do little by little" on the med change. that would mean that i could potentially spread it out over a year or two, and have about 5 or 6 different times that i would knowingly go into a funk stage because i would change my dose again. the process we were doing was drop by a little, wait a few weeks, raise the other a little, then balance out and wait a few weeks before starting again. so we were planning to take extra time in between each set to have some balanced time. but to me, that would just drive me insane because that would mean i couldn't go a long period of time feeling good because i would then just end up sending myself right back into the spiral.
that's when i started thinking, "damn it, i just want to do this and get it over with". and it's not because i want to rush to have a kid sooner, it's because i can't stand the thought of going up and down, up and down, up and down - and making everyone else be dragged out with the whole process also. so i talked to nick and my mom to get their opinion on taking a more drastic approach - let's go into this dropping my med as much as i can at a time, but lets not have the balancing time in between. i know i'm going to eventually feel like crap, so i would rather do it one more time, even if it may be a longer time than normal, but that way once i'm totally off it i can finally start to balance out the other med for good. so, medically speaking, i would still have to drop it in intervals because the level that i'm on now i can't just drop it all in one swoop because it effects my blood levels and could cause some problems. but, i can drop a little and wait a week or two, then drop more, wait, then drop more, etc. but it would be taking the drop, wait, balance out, wait, drop, wait, balance, wait etc. it would ultimately take the balancing out and the wait time out of it.
but taking this approach it will be very unknown how i will react because i have been on this med for over 5 years, and every time it has changed i have had a reaction. so i think about the fact that if i drop off of so much of it, will i have an even more serious spiral or will it be the same type of spiral but just longer? i told my doc it it does worry me a little bit, and that if it got too bad i would stop and go back to the other method. luckily she said that theres a possibility that i may not have a reaction or at least one not as severe because since i already started to reduce my level, the lithium has already been taken out of a therapuetic level and is now non thereapuetic. so basically, what my mind was used to is already changed so it might not have the drastic reaction like before. but honestly, with the way things have been for me, i have a feeling i would still have the spiral effect. but it is good to know there's a possibility to stay sane.
so, i talked with nick again, and he's on board. he says whatever i feel is better for me that he will support me, because he knows how i am when i go through this stuff but he doesn't fully understand the way it affects me because he's never been through it. so he said it's my choice on what i feel i can handle, and that no matter what he's confident that we can get through it. I LOVE HIM!
so now, it's just a matter of figuring out when to try and do it. from my understanding it will prob be a 2-3 month time frame to get it all done. and frankly, there is never a "good time" to do something like this, so it's kind of a toss up. but whenever we choose, my doc said she would send me a tapering schedule and we would just go from there. it's just a little scary cause it's going to effect soooo much for a longer period than i have ever had to deal with before. along with the issues of nick having to be there to help me, i also have to consider work in the picture too.
there have been several times that i have been messed up on my meds and it got me to the point that i just can't function - no point of even leaving the house, let alone think about working. half the time, if i did come into work, i would want to throw a book at every person that walked by my door - and for no reason really, just cause something about them would piss me off. or here's a good example - i was in my main office one day, and i started crying - wanna know why? because there was someone running off copies on the copier near me ALL DAY LONG! well, the damn copier made a squeaking noise EVERY time a piece of paper went through....i lost it! i couldn't take it! i asked someone else if it was bothering them and they said they didn't even realize it. imagine that. I of course on the other hand, heard it like it was a bullhorn in my ear - and it drove me INSANE! and i started crying because i couldn't deal with it. i know, dumb, right?!
so, needless to say work is an issue and i had to let me boss and manager know what i was going to be doing. they both know about my issues and my boss has always been SUPER supportive of whatever is going on with me, so he has never had any issues as long as i keep him in the loop as to how i feel and if it's going to effect work. my manager also knows about everything, but i don't think he handles it quite as well. i think it intemidates him a little because he always seems uneasy when i let him know that things are a little off for me or if there was something beothering me. a good example was in one of my previous posts about the guy that was messing with stuff on my desk and in my office. i don't think he realized that was a reaction to my meds, and at the time i wanted to rip someones head off, but now i couldn't care less. he just doesn't seem to be able to sway with me and my moods like my boss does. but anyhow, i talked to them about it yesterday and they were totally cool with it. there's obviously the understanding that even though i'm going to be going through this, there is still work to be done. so i need to let them know how when i'm gonna start, how i feel throughout the process, and if i feel as though my work is going to be effected at any time because of it. they asked how i would feel about staying at the bridge and doing my work there, or if i needed to go back and work at the office while i'm going through it, and i told them i felt as though maybe working in the office would be better because i would be more comfortable with the people around me. most of the people in my office know about what's going on in a general sense, but no one at the bridge has any clue and i would prefer not telling them anyhow. so my boss said that is something they can work out if it's needed and that they would try to make things as comfortable as possible in order to effect my work as little as possible. it's not necessarily that the stuff i do can't be done by anyone else, technically it can. but no one knows the stuff like i do and it would prob take a long time to get it figured out, so they said they just need me to really push through it the best i can to make sure that things are still taken care of - or at least be able to help someone else figure things out if necessary.
so, in all, i have the support from those that i need it from. it's just that i'm scared shitless about what could potentially happen. this would be the biggest med shift i've had ever since i finally got stable - about 6 years ago. there are going to people that i have to interact with that will have no idea about any of this, and it could potentially be a disaster. but i have to do it, for my sanity. i may have to go insane in order to get there, but i have to just get it done so i don't have to worry about how many times i will have to affect everyones lives for however long it would have taken the other way.
man, i want to be normal...i wish it wasn't this hard. i wish it only affected me and not everyone else. and i hope everything goes ok. as of right now, nick and i are thinking we might hold off until February so we can have a few months to prepare and get ready for it, and it would also be nice to at least have decent holidays instead of being the grinch.
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