here's a little more....

So, I left off with the part about pulling myself away from everyone. Technically, I wasn't JUST pulling myself away, I was destroying all relationships I had. I think I can honestly say it wasn't even really by choice. Instead it was by the way my mind was reacting to different situations and events. I ended up fighting with my sister all the time, and when I say fighting...I mean fighting. I can look back on it now and say it was basically verbal abuse and I would tear her apart for no apparent reason. Well, sometime I felt I had reason. Like how she would always comment about the stuff I wore, and she wouldn't just accept that I was a tomboy and didn't want to get all girlyed up like she did. I always have felt that I've been in her shadow, so when my mind wasn't right anyhow, I didn't need someone to keep telling me that I wasn't up to par. I even went over to my aunt and uncles house one time and found out from my cousin after i left that my aunt stated "she is never allowed to come over here again if she is dressed like that". Nice...I was wearing camo cargo shorts and a t-shirt - she made it seem like i was in fishnets and titty tassles. Well, with my mind the way it is, it's little stuff like that that kept telling me to just stay away and find reasons to avoid. My sister lived upstairs from me, but there were times when it wasn't volleyball season that I wouldn't see her for weeks at a time, and that was fine by me. I wouldn't really see many people. I would sleep. I was always depressed, sleeping was the best way not to worry about anything...that is, if my mind would stop spinning in circles and let me fall asleep.
But eventually, in order to feel like someone/something cared about me, I got a dog! He was soooo freakin cute too! I got him when I went home to SC for a bit during summer after sophomore year. Brought him back to DC a week after getting him and he ended up getting REALLY sick....so of course that sent me for a spiral because then i felt helpless. took him to the vet, he had a bronchial infection, so we spent the next week or so steaming it up in my bathroom at least 4 times a day. I would sit there, run my shower as hot as possible, and hold him up so he could breath in all the steam. It was either this or spending a shit load of money that I frankly didn't have. But, Mason became my baby. Looking at it now, it probably wasn't the best decision seeing that I didn't have money, would travel for vball, and could barely take care of myself.
But I managed. There were times that I had to take him to stay with someone while I was away, or had to take him to Nicks stepdads house in NC so he could stay there for the summer after junior year. But he's still my baby, and a happy spoiled boy at 7 years old.
Speaking of money...that's another BAAADDDD thing with Bipolar. You tend to spend money on unecessary things just because you feel as though you're obtaining something for yourself that at that moment makes you happy. Then it just turns into junk cause you didn't need it anyhow. And since I walked outta my job, my mom basically begged me not to work anymore so i could just focus on school. Needless to say, my parents weren't fans of the dog thing, but I fought for it hard because i was convinced he would be my friend that would never walk away or that I could never let down.
So, by the end of first semester junior year, i was done with everything and everybody. I needed something new. This happens often because if i felt like things were going downhill with something, I'd leave it and start something new so that I felt like I was accomplishing something again. That's why school was so hard, I felt like I was in a deep pit and just couldn't get out. So, I joined a volunteer fire department. Yes, very random. I've always thought it was cool, but never really expected to do anything like that. But there was a volunteer firehouse about 10 minutes into MD that I would pass when I would run errands...so one day, I walked up and knocked on the back door and asked if I could join.
Ok, to be cont again...