we're gonna go a little off track...

so, i know i haven't finished dishing out all the back up info that gets me up to this point...but i gotta do a detour.
I decided to start this blog in order to help with my feelings and kinda get things off my chest, and right now we need to do a little of that.
So, I am having a reaction to messing with my meds (long story short - but long story will eventually come in the back up info section - i'm changing my meds cause one of them has severe risks for heart defects in babies, so if i ever want to get prego it has to change). Anyhow, after lowering the dose on the one i need to get rid of about 3 weeks ago, I started to get antsy and manicy again. Of course like I typically do, I act like it's not a big deal and I try to work my way through it rather than suddenly freaking out and trying to up my other med that is supposed to balance it out. Well, finally realized it was out of my control when I had a breakdown last Thursday. It was because of a lot of reasons, but if I had to sit down and write it out, I honestly don't know what those reasons would be. That's the thing that sucks the most about this. I get so upset and fired up and antsy - but I don't know why, or it's a vicious circle that has to be ridden in order to try to figure it out. Some of it is because of work - but then I ask "is it because of work?" or "is it because i'm reacting differently to something that has to do with work" or "is my mind just making something seem like it's a problem and I'm really just blowing something out of proportion?"...and I can keep going. Typically I can have something happen, for instance a guy from my company that sat at my desk on the night time shift, he would move things or knock over sets of paperwork that I had purposfully put somewhere, change the heights of my chair, leave coffee rings on my desk, leave crumbs on my desk, etc. For the longest time I would just deal with it....but when my meds get messed with and I start getting tweaked easily, I can't handle it anymore. so in a very simple and not to cause attention way, I simply left a note on my desk telling him to find another place to sit. well, he decided to make it a big deal and call my manager - how old are we? really?!!! So, something that I was trying to handle as easy as possible became a huge mess of my boss finding out about it and being upset that we were acting immature and that he doesn't want us to seem in front of other people that we dont get along blah blah blah. So then we had to have a "we need to get along" meeting....and that was the end of it for me. I was also then told that it didn't matter what happened, what caused it, or how it was handled, we needed to forget about it and move on.....WHO MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do I need this lecture, and now why is the principle of the matter being ignored, and that principle being that this dumbass doesn't know how to respect someone elses space, and then gets pissed when he's asked not to enter it anymore. So I tried to let it go. Thank God for Nick, because when shit like this happens he's always the one that has to try and find a way to make things ok for me...and he's really good at it, but I know it's hard for him sometimes. Well, he helped me that afternoon....but that night and the next day - my mind just wasn't having it. I couldn't sleep cause my mind started racing, i had pressure in my chest and my heart was racing. eventually i did get to sleep, but i woke up with the same stuff going on. went to work trying to calm myself down and it didnt work - at all. total panic attack, not sure why. not sure if it was because of everything with work, not sure if it's cause the meds were finally out of my system and now my mind is a little outta control, not sure if i was just getting myself worked up, not sure if it was because the wind was blowing a certain way....i never know. all i do know is that i end up having an overwhelming rush of emotion come over me and the first time anything comes up with how i'm feeling, i start to cry...i called nick to tell him how i felt, and i busted out in tears, uncontrollable tears. he asks why i'm so upset, and i tell him i don't know, because i don't. then i get even more upset because i don't know why i'm upset. then i get even more upset because now me being upset and not knowing why is now effecting someone else, and they doin't know why i'm upset so they don't know how to help me.....do you see the vicious cycle? yeah, this calls for the chill pill. MUST GET HOME AND TAKE THE CHILL PILL. it all goes back to what i was saying in my other posts about if you're sleeping then you can't cause any problems or worry about anything. yep, the chill pill handles that. bad thing is, you can't bring it with you wherever you are because you take that thing, and you're out, no driving for you...just peaceful thoughtless sleep - ahhhhh, finally my mind at rest.
but here's the thing. that was last Thursday. i was a total mess. fri, sat, sun, mon were AWESOME days. nothing changed with my meds, still had the lower dose just like Thursday, but they were MEEEEEEEE days. Fri and mon i had off work, so i had a 4 day weekend. it was glorious...and it was because i took care of myself first...not worrying about anything else. just me, nick and the pups. i had my random moments with nick of "i wish i knew why i have to go through this", but he always makes me feel like it'll all work out and he'll be there to make sure of it.
tuesday, went back to work, BLAH. didn't want to be there. didn't care, didn't get excited about it one bit. i feel like it's because I'm figuring out i'm not working for ME, but instead i'm working for someone else to make money. i love the field i'm in, but when someone starts pulling bs on you and looking past you as a person and instead looking at you as a money maker - i don't care who you are, you lose respect in my book. It doesn't make me proud, and that's all i want to be - i want to be proud of what i do, regardless if i'm making money or cooking a meal. All i want is a sincere appreciation and i'll work like a mule for ya, but when that gets thrown out the window, as well as morals, respect, decensy, and taking responsibility for things - game over. so now i'm just gonna bide my time. i'm gonna be that regular employee, not the one that has gone above and beyond working 60+ hour weeks and working on 3, 4+ jobs at a time, and driving all over gods creation racking up 65000 miles on my 2 year old car.....i'm not doing it anymore.
And I don't want to cry over BS anymore. whatever the BS may be, half the time i obviously cant figure it out. but like today, i went to my workout this morning....i hate spinning, but that was part of it....i kept going because i wanted to reach the end and say good job because i didn't quit, but the entire time i was unhappy - and it wasn't even from being unhappy about spinning. i was just unhappy because i feel like i'm doing all of this to myself because i'm shifting meds around and now i feel horible and i'm swinging up and down, up and down. my trainer asked if i was ok and it was hard to just get out the words "i don't want to talk about it right now" with out breaking down and crying right there in the middle of spin class....and it's all because when i'm manic and start to think about things - I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING. and i get overwhelmed and feel like i don't have control. my mind has control, but I don't. actually, my mind doesn't have control....it's just that whatever it's doing is out of my conscious control. that's where the meds come in....and i'm messing with them, to make sure that any child i have is going to be ok...and i'm putting myself through hell over and over again, in hopes that i won't lose my mind all together in order to take care of that precious healthy child I hope to eventually have.
i hate the vicious cycle. i hate the racing mind. i hate feeling upset and not knowing why. BUT, i love all the thoughts i have about what makes me happy. having a family, volunteering, going kayaking, riding bikes with nick even though i'm not as good as him, going to the state fair, sitting on a porch and watching the sun go down overlooking a large piece of property that my dogs are going crazy on, giving old clothes to someone who needs them, helping my parents when they're older, camping, visiting old friends, taking care of kids or pets for friends....anything i can do to have an AAAHHHHH moment....i don't need a lot to make me happy. and i don't need all the BS that keeps getting in the way. i def don't need to be bipolar, but i'm doing the best i can....sometimes i just don't know what to do but cry.
after reading this, it might be evident that i'm on a manic swing because everything is all over the place and just constant rambling....welcome to my world.